Conviction

I was heavily convicted this morning when sitting in church. It was one of those services where I felt like Pastor Brian was speaking directly to me...which is uncomfortably refreshing. I wiggled in my seat a little, tried not to make eye contact with anyone...but the message got through to me loud and clear.
I don't pray right. I don't come before God's throne in the manner I should. As PB said, I worry and then attach God to the end of it, calling it prayer when it's not. It's just worry.
It's difficult to break this habit right now because time keeps going. Everyday that I sit here with no offers on the house is one day further away from being home with Caden again, and pretty soon he'll be in kindergarten and that window of being home with him while he is little will be closed forever.
As Brian spoke and these thoughts kept rolling through my head, I fought the lump that was growing increasingly larger in my throat...at one point he said something to the effect of there's no such thing as not trusting a little. You either trust God or you don't. Trusting God is not something I thought I would have to work on, but Caden is one area where I stress my face off and have little patience for God to work things out in His time.
I need to work on this or I'm going to miss out on God's greatness and I'm going to get an ulcer.
I'm also the classic 'pray in the car' person. I get up at 5:50, commute 45 minutes with the family, work 9 hours in a cubicle with little privacy, commute 45 minutes back with the fam, try to pacify Caden who is tired and hungry, make dinner, bathe Caden and get him ready for bed, pack lunches, spend some time on the computer, have a 30-60 minute conversation with my husband,and then go to bed to re-gain the energy to do it all over again.
I've become a pop-corn pray-er because I've convinced myself that I just don't have the time...
After hearing the message in the first service, I was meditating on things heavily during the second. We were playing a song and I remember thinking, "God, I don't know how to let this go. I'm running out of time. He keeps getting older and I'm missing it. I'm running out of time to be with him!"
All of a sudden a thought came to my head:
"What about your time with Me?"
Woah! God? Is that You?
Humbled, repenting and challenged to change things, I walked away from this morning exhausted from the hard lessons learned but focused on what needs to be done.
More of Him, less of me.
That means more worship and less everything else. Even less Jay, less Caden, less house-selling, less worry...less of me, More of Him. This will be the focus of my fast.
At the end of Pastor Brian's message he looked at us and said half-smiling, "Do you really think He's not going to come through for you?"
I know He will....now I need to come through for Him.