That's what best describes my brain in the midst of the chaos that is life these days.
I'm working less than 20 hours a week, trying to do a job that involves about 30-40 hours of work...this means I'm always taking stuff home, bringing Caden into the office after his nap and really stressed out about dropping the ball and forgetting the details.
I've enjoyed my time at the church but I'm ready to move on and not be torn in a billion different directions.
My beautiful and amazing friend Kris has graciously been not only taking care of Caden while I work in the mornings, but has been picking him up and dropping him off at my door. Amazing. Life would not be functioning right now without her.
Jay's new job better be worth the cash. That's all I'm saying about that...nah, I'll say some more.
He is the hardest worker I've ever known and no one puts more pressure on Jay than Jay. He's been working 9-8, everyday and lost two of his three sales people during his first week of work because they relocated/took new positions somewhere else. This has left him working every day of the week (weekends included) to reach goals and that doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon. I know there's no where he'd rather be than with us but I also know that he has a passionate drive to make sure we have everything we need. I have so much respect for him and I miss him.
The new schedule has been hard. I am once again affirmed in thinking that single parents are the strongest people in the world. It's been really hard to do this on my own, since Jay and Caden are only seeing each other about 45 minutes a day in the mornings before work. We pick him up at 8 each evening (which usually turns into 8:30 if there's an issue at the gym) and Caden falls asleep on the way back to the house. I'm thinking that he is needing to be in bed by 7:30 with his new found aversion to daytime napping but with our car-sharing, that's not a possibility right now. He's been acting out a good bit and copping a big time attitude with me and others he feels comfortable enough with to lash out at. I feel bad for the little guy...he's just trying to adjust to the new schedule but I'm also having to crack down pretty hard on the behavior. It's been exhausting to say the least. We use to pull a great 'good cop-bad cop' routine...but now I'm the only cop around most of the time. Each day I bring Jay to work, go to work, run around like a crazy person getting things done, rush home, deal with a tired and attitude-filled little boy, get him in the bed...by this time it's 2:30 and I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast. Not good for a pregnant lady...Me hungry! Me want food!
I am about 33 weeks pregnant and am feeling pretty good. I tested positive for gestational diabetes during my first screening but I think it may have been a false reading. I'm still waiting to hear the results from the second screening which I'm hoping is fine...no news is good news, right?
I'm excited to set up Preston's nursery next week!! Baby furniture is tucked into every corner of the living room and thanks to my amazing friend and the most generous soul ever, Shea Tillery, I will have a truck load (literally) of more baby stuff tomorrow that her precious son Ollie has grown out of. My handful of close friends are the most amazing a woman could ever ask for.
I hope this post isn't coming across as negative, because I gave negativity up for Lent :) but it is my current reality. The key is that in the midst of the craziness, chaos, attitudes, ups and downs, I chose to be the best person I can be and count my blessings, which are numerous. Somedays I succeed...other days I fail miserably...thankfully, there's grace on those days.
The house is a MESS so I am going to go nest-it-up a little bit and maximize the 'none-swollen-feet' hours of the day to get some work done.
Until next time...when I have something a bit more inspirational to say...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
New Hair
I think I am experiencing some cutter's remorse...but it's only hair and it will grow back.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Turning the other cheek
“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” Matthew 5:39
I've heard this passage of scripture 1000 times before. I'll be honest, I haven't read it recently but for some reason, it flashed into my mind this morning as I lay in bed, awake and praying for a woman in my life. This person doesn't read my blog and isn't on my facebook so this is not some lame attempt to send a passage aggressive message to someone in a cryptic way. I don't believe in using public sites for such purposes.
I was praying for a woman I know who is very angry and bitter. A woman who believes herself to be a victim of all things. A woman who refuses to acknowledge that anything unhealthy in her life is her fault or her choice. I've been praying for this person for quite some time. I woke up this morning in the 6 o'clock hour with her on my mind. I began praying peace over her. I began praying that God would change her heart. Suddenly Matthew 5:39 flashed across my mind and I began to interpret that verse in a way I hadn't before.
This verse isn't Jesus telling us to be passive and meek in the face of adversity. It isn't him telling us not to fight or stick up for ourselves when being oppressed. It isn't him saying, "If someone literally hits you, stand there and let him hit you again."
I believe that one way this scripture can be viewed is of Jesus saying, "Chose your attitude."
If you get smacked in the cheek, you have every right to be hurt and angry. You can say that you are entitled to your pain and show everyone you meet how red that part of your face is. You can use your sore jaw as a reason to be ugly to people, to be self-centered, to be inwardly focused. You can rub your face and grow angrier and angrier every time you think of the person who did that to you. You can let the red, throbbing side of your face be the part that represents you....or.....you can turn the other cheek outward and let THAT side represent you.
In the midst of having every reason to be sad, angry, depressed and selfish, you can chose to literally put your best face forward. You can chose your attitude.
I think Jesus might have been saying, "When someone hurts you, show them the best sides of you...let them know they can't defeat you with their negativity and their abuse because you chose not to be defeated. Show them the good side even when they get on your bad side."
It was an interesting thought...not one that came from countless hours, dissecting the original scrolls or cross referencing historical facts but just an image and an idea that flashed into my head while I lay in bed in the morning, praying for someone who needed intercession.
A word of advice: Turn the other cheek...and be cautious of the people you see who embrace their right to have a busted jaw...they may be the ones swinging a left hook in your direction. Hurt people, hurt people. Don't be the one causing the pain.
I've heard this passage of scripture 1000 times before. I'll be honest, I haven't read it recently but for some reason, it flashed into my mind this morning as I lay in bed, awake and praying for a woman in my life. This person doesn't read my blog and isn't on my facebook so this is not some lame attempt to send a passage aggressive message to someone in a cryptic way. I don't believe in using public sites for such purposes.
I was praying for a woman I know who is very angry and bitter. A woman who believes herself to be a victim of all things. A woman who refuses to acknowledge that anything unhealthy in her life is her fault or her choice. I've been praying for this person for quite some time. I woke up this morning in the 6 o'clock hour with her on my mind. I began praying peace over her. I began praying that God would change her heart. Suddenly Matthew 5:39 flashed across my mind and I began to interpret that verse in a way I hadn't before.
This verse isn't Jesus telling us to be passive and meek in the face of adversity. It isn't him telling us not to fight or stick up for ourselves when being oppressed. It isn't him saying, "If someone literally hits you, stand there and let him hit you again."
I believe that one way this scripture can be viewed is of Jesus saying, "Chose your attitude."
If you get smacked in the cheek, you have every right to be hurt and angry. You can say that you are entitled to your pain and show everyone you meet how red that part of your face is. You can use your sore jaw as a reason to be ugly to people, to be self-centered, to be inwardly focused. You can rub your face and grow angrier and angrier every time you think of the person who did that to you. You can let the red, throbbing side of your face be the part that represents you....or.....you can turn the other cheek outward and let THAT side represent you.
In the midst of having every reason to be sad, angry, depressed and selfish, you can chose to literally put your best face forward. You can chose your attitude.
I think Jesus might have been saying, "When someone hurts you, show them the best sides of you...let them know they can't defeat you with their negativity and their abuse because you chose not to be defeated. Show them the good side even when they get on your bad side."
It was an interesting thought...not one that came from countless hours, dissecting the original scrolls or cross referencing historical facts but just an image and an idea that flashed into my head while I lay in bed in the morning, praying for someone who needed intercession.
A word of advice: Turn the other cheek...and be cautious of the people you see who embrace their right to have a busted jaw...they may be the ones swinging a left hook in your direction. Hurt people, hurt people. Don't be the one causing the pain.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Jesus Will Disappoint You
The following is taken from an article in Relevant Magazine:
"I’ve learned my disappointment is always tied to my imperfect projected expectations upon a perfectly loving God who doesn’t always behave as I would have Him. God is not our puppet, though we like to pretend He is. And when we come face to face with the reality that we are rarely in control of our lives and most certainly not in control of God, disappointment results. Disappointment that we can’t have things our way, in our timing. Jesus will disappoint all of us, but in time we will see our disappointing moments are also our most refining ones. They are the moments that birth hope and instill the necessary wisdom for a future we must face.
When we reduce Jesus to merely an insightful person but refuse to recognize Him as the all-knowing sovereign Creator of the world, we lose the privilege of really knowing Him. The words in 1 John set my heart at ease: “This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19-20).
God has no obligation, nor intention, to explain every happening He causes or allows in our lives. That doesn’t make Him any less loving or good. It makes Him a father. A father who, like I do regularly with my little girl, withholds explanations His children don’t need or won’t understand."
- Russ Masterson
"I’ve learned my disappointment is always tied to my imperfect projected expectations upon a perfectly loving God who doesn’t always behave as I would have Him. God is not our puppet, though we like to pretend He is. And when we come face to face with the reality that we are rarely in control of our lives and most certainly not in control of God, disappointment results. Disappointment that we can’t have things our way, in our timing. Jesus will disappoint all of us, but in time we will see our disappointing moments are also our most refining ones. They are the moments that birth hope and instill the necessary wisdom for a future we must face.
When we reduce Jesus to merely an insightful person but refuse to recognize Him as the all-knowing sovereign Creator of the world, we lose the privilege of really knowing Him. The words in 1 John set my heart at ease: “This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19-20).
God has no obligation, nor intention, to explain every happening He causes or allows in our lives. That doesn’t make Him any less loving or good. It makes Him a father. A father who, like I do regularly with my little girl, withholds explanations His children don’t need or won’t understand."
- Russ Masterson
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Mom Town
Mom Town is a strange place. It can be thankless and lonely while being amazing and insanely rewarding. Somedays you feel like the President and other days you feel like the sewage worker...or the punching bag at the local gym. Nothing pays better or worse than the occupation of motherhood. The majority of what you do is unseen and unrecognized by human eyes but incredibly appreciated by anyone who comes in contact with you, whether they can put their finger on it or not.
The residents of Mom Town make an incredible difference to the planet everyday, even when they don't shower or leave their houses. The work they do is taxing in every way imaginable but they are more than glad to do it...in fact, they can't fathom not doing it. They can not clock out and they can not go anywhere else.
Mom town can be a bit of an obnoxious place from time to time. There are many residents who believe their methods of parenting are the best and they feel the need to give unsolicited advice CONSTANTLY, whether it's good or not. Whether they have one child or eight children, some residents of Mom Town act like they have PhD's when they've barely reached the first grade of motherhood. Other times they abuse their position and do not live up to their title. This brings everyone in the town down.
The residents of Mom town can be awesome for each other or detrimental to one another, depending on the day. This is due to the incredible amounts of estrogen and progesterone flowing through the aqueducts of the city. The most powerful and wonderful residents of Mom Town are the real and down to earth women who do their best, love their kids and can admit that they don't know everything. They have a sense of humor about themselves and a sense of empathy for each other. They make the city worth living in.
The residents of Mom Town take a special interest in the people of Pregnantville. In fact, a lot of the Mom Town ladies reside on the border of Pregnantville and Mom Town, several times throughout their lifetime. Pregnantville is a passionate and interesting place. The residents of Pregnantville have to put up with a lot during their stay. They receive the unsolicited advice of the Mom Towners while enduring the ignorant comments from the people of Mansboro and 'No-kids-yet' City. There is something in the water of Pregnantville that can make ones hair and skin look radiant while making them sick to their stomach at the same time. It's a fun place, a beautiful place, a place of miracles and destiny.
I've been twice and although I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, I don't think I'll return after this last trip :) Two times in Pregnantville is quite enough for me.
But Mom Town is somewhere I plan on staying forever. Even though there's no such thing as sleeping in or eating your food while it's warm, it's still the greatest place on earth.
It's everything I never knew I wanted and I'm so grateful to be here.
The residents of Mom Town make an incredible difference to the planet everyday, even when they don't shower or leave their houses. The work they do is taxing in every way imaginable but they are more than glad to do it...in fact, they can't fathom not doing it. They can not clock out and they can not go anywhere else.
Mom town can be a bit of an obnoxious place from time to time. There are many residents who believe their methods of parenting are the best and they feel the need to give unsolicited advice CONSTANTLY, whether it's good or not. Whether they have one child or eight children, some residents of Mom Town act like they have PhD's when they've barely reached the first grade of motherhood. Other times they abuse their position and do not live up to their title. This brings everyone in the town down.
The residents of Mom town can be awesome for each other or detrimental to one another, depending on the day. This is due to the incredible amounts of estrogen and progesterone flowing through the aqueducts of the city. The most powerful and wonderful residents of Mom Town are the real and down to earth women who do their best, love their kids and can admit that they don't know everything. They have a sense of humor about themselves and a sense of empathy for each other. They make the city worth living in.
The residents of Mom Town take a special interest in the people of Pregnantville. In fact, a lot of the Mom Town ladies reside on the border of Pregnantville and Mom Town, several times throughout their lifetime. Pregnantville is a passionate and interesting place. The residents of Pregnantville have to put up with a lot during their stay. They receive the unsolicited advice of the Mom Towners while enduring the ignorant comments from the people of Mansboro and 'No-kids-yet' City. There is something in the water of Pregnantville that can make ones hair and skin look radiant while making them sick to their stomach at the same time. It's a fun place, a beautiful place, a place of miracles and destiny.
I've been twice and although I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, I don't think I'll return after this last trip :) Two times in Pregnantville is quite enough for me.
But Mom Town is somewhere I plan on staying forever. Even though there's no such thing as sleeping in or eating your food while it's warm, it's still the greatest place on earth.
It's everything I never knew I wanted and I'm so grateful to be here.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Success
We attended a different church last week. When people hear that they generally assume all kinds of things. What happened? Why are they leaving their church? I wonder why they don't like their old church anymore?
In reality, we just wanted to try something new for a sunday. We both felt the need to change the routine a little, experience something different, meet some new people. This was not done because the regular routine and old people arent enough. Truth is, I wish more people would step outside of the walls of their particular denomination or circles periodically and meet their neighbour down the street. In the New Testament, churches were divided mostly due to geography. Today, they are just divided. Take Tallahassee for example. There are 600+ churches in this town with a new one being planted every other day. I don't like the unwritten rule that we can't cross borders and see how our brothers and sisters in Christ are doing. I think I'm going to buck that system...Actually, I think I already am :)
It's amazing to me how experincing something new can greatly broaden your world view and give you fresh perspective, making you a better person. That's been my reality over the last few weeks and I love it. I love the feeling of revelation, growing, learning, changing. These things can't happen unless we're willing to take in all kinds of newness from day to day.
We're lucky to have a child that loves a good adventure so when we asked him if he wanted to go to a different church and meet new friends, he was all about it. When we arrived, they had a giant indoor play room so he was pretty much ready to sign the membership forms :) I was hoping he wouldn't break a commandment and start bowing in reverence towards the huge, red slide and luckily, he was able to focus on the bible lesson prior to playtime.
We enjoyed the service. The music was well balanced, well done and the people were friendly but not overtly friendly. It was a larger church so it was easy to sneak in and sneak out unnoticed, which is a good thing when you're shy and visiting but a bad thing when you're wanting to be connected. There were many different types of people. Jay and I were very touched by a hearing impaired woman who passionately signed words of praise heavenward. There was another man who literally danced and danced and danced throughout the entire praise set. The joy was thick and the passion was undeniable.
When the message began, the young preacher looked intriguingly towards the crowd and said, "How do you judge the success of a church?"
It was in that moment that I was entranced and knew that I was suppose to be there on that Sunday...because I realized that this was the question I had unknowingly been asking myself. Not only about my own church but about myself as a member of it...as a member of my community...as a member of my family...as a member of Heaven's roster. What does success look like?
He spoke of the division that took place in the garden of Eden...how in a split second and a wrong choice, we forever severed the perfect unity that existed between us and God, us and each other and us and the earth. Tigers weren't trying to tear Adam apart, Eve didn't secretly wish he was more than what he was...they weren't self conscious about how they looked...they didn't even know what nudity was! They didn't fear God or even think to hide anything from Him. All was in unity. All was perfect. But even in perfection, there was an opportunity to fail and fail they did. Suddenly, they hid themselves and became aware of so many things that kept them (and us) from ever fully engaging with one another. God then told them that childbirth would be excruciating and planting, building and maintaining the earth was going to be hard and painful for them.
We've read the story a hundred times but this was the first time I ever became aware of the following: The very purpose for which we were created was not meant to be easy for us. For Adam and Eve (and us), this not only meant reproducing and working the land but it meant relationships as well.
We were created to be in relationship. Even God doesn't exist outside of it. We were created to grow together, learn from one another, bare each other's burdens and walk through life together. Even the introvert needs another. We weren't just meant to be in community with God but with His children as well. It is dawning on me that this, relationship, the very thing we were created for, is not meant to be easy for us. It's meant to hurt! It's meant to make you sweat! It's meant to bring about momentary suffering and seasons of dry ground before giving birth to greatness.
The speaker tied this to the church's success by explaining that unlike big business, a church cannot be judged as successful by it's membership base or the amount of tithes it brings in. It can only be judged as successful by the depth of it's community and the connectivity people have with one another and God...the unity that is worked towards...the connection that was effortless and natural in the Garden of Eden which is now difficult, tiring, frustrating but purposeful.
I think this Sunday we are going to attend the church I have been working at. It should be a completely different experience than any I've had thus far and I'm excited to be open and available for the revelations God will show me there.
So to any and all that are concerned with my 'church hopping' you needn't be. I am instead taking in all that is around me in an effort to grow, mature and connect with people of other denominations who love and serve the same God that I do. I highly recommend it. If anything, it will make you better for when you return home.
In reality, we just wanted to try something new for a sunday. We both felt the need to change the routine a little, experience something different, meet some new people. This was not done because the regular routine and old people arent enough. Truth is, I wish more people would step outside of the walls of their particular denomination or circles periodically and meet their neighbour down the street. In the New Testament, churches were divided mostly due to geography. Today, they are just divided. Take Tallahassee for example. There are 600+ churches in this town with a new one being planted every other day. I don't like the unwritten rule that we can't cross borders and see how our brothers and sisters in Christ are doing. I think I'm going to buck that system...Actually, I think I already am :)
It's amazing to me how experincing something new can greatly broaden your world view and give you fresh perspective, making you a better person. That's been my reality over the last few weeks and I love it. I love the feeling of revelation, growing, learning, changing. These things can't happen unless we're willing to take in all kinds of newness from day to day.
We're lucky to have a child that loves a good adventure so when we asked him if he wanted to go to a different church and meet new friends, he was all about it. When we arrived, they had a giant indoor play room so he was pretty much ready to sign the membership forms :) I was hoping he wouldn't break a commandment and start bowing in reverence towards the huge, red slide and luckily, he was able to focus on the bible lesson prior to playtime.
We enjoyed the service. The music was well balanced, well done and the people were friendly but not overtly friendly. It was a larger church so it was easy to sneak in and sneak out unnoticed, which is a good thing when you're shy and visiting but a bad thing when you're wanting to be connected. There were many different types of people. Jay and I were very touched by a hearing impaired woman who passionately signed words of praise heavenward. There was another man who literally danced and danced and danced throughout the entire praise set. The joy was thick and the passion was undeniable.
When the message began, the young preacher looked intriguingly towards the crowd and said, "How do you judge the success of a church?"
It was in that moment that I was entranced and knew that I was suppose to be there on that Sunday...because I realized that this was the question I had unknowingly been asking myself. Not only about my own church but about myself as a member of it...as a member of my community...as a member of my family...as a member of Heaven's roster. What does success look like?
He spoke of the division that took place in the garden of Eden...how in a split second and a wrong choice, we forever severed the perfect unity that existed between us and God, us and each other and us and the earth. Tigers weren't trying to tear Adam apart, Eve didn't secretly wish he was more than what he was...they weren't self conscious about how they looked...they didn't even know what nudity was! They didn't fear God or even think to hide anything from Him. All was in unity. All was perfect. But even in perfection, there was an opportunity to fail and fail they did. Suddenly, they hid themselves and became aware of so many things that kept them (and us) from ever fully engaging with one another. God then told them that childbirth would be excruciating and planting, building and maintaining the earth was going to be hard and painful for them.
We've read the story a hundred times but this was the first time I ever became aware of the following: The very purpose for which we were created was not meant to be easy for us. For Adam and Eve (and us), this not only meant reproducing and working the land but it meant relationships as well.
We were created to be in relationship. Even God doesn't exist outside of it. We were created to grow together, learn from one another, bare each other's burdens and walk through life together. Even the introvert needs another. We weren't just meant to be in community with God but with His children as well. It is dawning on me that this, relationship, the very thing we were created for, is not meant to be easy for us. It's meant to hurt! It's meant to make you sweat! It's meant to bring about momentary suffering and seasons of dry ground before giving birth to greatness.
The speaker tied this to the church's success by explaining that unlike big business, a church cannot be judged as successful by it's membership base or the amount of tithes it brings in. It can only be judged as successful by the depth of it's community and the connectivity people have with one another and God...the unity that is worked towards...the connection that was effortless and natural in the Garden of Eden which is now difficult, tiring, frustrating but purposeful.
I think this Sunday we are going to attend the church I have been working at. It should be a completely different experience than any I've had thus far and I'm excited to be open and available for the revelations God will show me there.
So to any and all that are concerned with my 'church hopping' you needn't be. I am instead taking in all that is around me in an effort to grow, mature and connect with people of other denominations who love and serve the same God that I do. I highly recommend it. If anything, it will make you better for when you return home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)