I don't struggle with control in many areas of my life. I am content in knowing that God is in control of all things and that all things work together for good to those who love Him.
I do have a giant issue with control in one specific area however. I hate that I can not control how people perceive me.
I don't know why, but somewhere along the line I began defining myself through the eyes of others. As though perception is reality. This is a dangerous state of mind, because the fact is you can't please everyone and sometimes in this life, we will be judged and perceived incorrectly, no matter how hard we try.
A few months ago I held a Christian woman accountable for some things that were laid upon my heart. I didn't know her well at all, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was suppose to confront her, lovingly, about some un-godly activity in her life. I am HORRIBLE with confrontation. I can't speak, I get backed into a corner, and the thoughts I find easy to write disappear quickly from mind when it comes time to speak. I decided to write her, so that I could properly express everything I was thinking and feeling.
The response was not good.
I was called everything under the sun...from hypocrite to judgemental...at one point she told me I was the exact opposite of Christ. It completely broke me. To this day I feel guilty about how things happened. When I wrote her, I did so intending to be supportive and loving, caring more about her character than her feelings but when she perceived me as being an ignorant, god-less, moron, I believed her. I wrote her again, apologizing, telling her it wasn't my intent to hurt her. I wrote her a third time to once again offer a helping hand and tell her there was no reason why we couldn't live in peace with one another...but to this day she wants nothing to do with me. I see her periodically and she is as cold as stone, causing guilt fill my guts.
I spoke in detail with trusted friends before and after the event and I was affirmed of doing the right thing.
To this day, I'm not quite sure that I did. But I guess just because something was hard, doesn't mean it wasn't right.
In my mind, I envision this woman's story about me. I picture her slandering my character to mutual friends, I shutter at the thought of how much she dislikes me.
The same is true for our current situation. We're moving out of a house before selling it, not in an effort to scam anyone, but because of an inability to live within our means, and an un willingness to give up what's important any longer: Time together as a family.
In my heart I know the decision we are making is a right one. I know that we have worked tirelessly to avoid this time in our lives from coming, but it came, regardless. I know that we have overcome so much over the past 24 months, eliminating debts, making sacrifices, sharing a car while commuting sometimes over 3.5 hours daily to make things work...I know that the grass will truly be greener on the other side and I believe that God will work a miracle in our situation. Still, there are those on the outside looking in who shake their heads, and although that shouldn't bother me, it does! I wish it didn't, but it does...
I recognize this joy-robbing mindset as being sinful and I am praying it out of my life. Worry and paranoia are not of God and I have received SO much more encouragement than negativity, for which I am eternally grateful. Still, the frowning faces seem to outweigh the kind in my mind. I hope I can come to a point in my life where I walk in boldness, defining myself by Christ alone and being confident in rightness even when it feels wrong.
In the mean time, I will pray the prayer of St. Augustine who said, "O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself."
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Stuff For Sale
If interested in any of the below, write me at kathylynnstock@hotmail.com for pricing info.
Whirlpool Washer and dryer, less than 3 years old. A few, hair line scratches on the top but otherwise in perfect working condition.
Bowflex Exercise Bench
X-large Exercise Ball with pump
Solid Wood Futon with drawers (only imperfection is a corner that a dog found tasty)
Very thick matress with two large sliding drawers for storage.
Stainless trash can
It has to go this week! Write for details!
Whirlpool Washer and dryer, less than 3 years old. A few, hair line scratches on the top but otherwise in perfect working condition.
Bowflex Exercise Bench
X-large Exercise Ball with pump
Solid Wood Futon with drawers (only imperfection is a corner that a dog found tasty)
Very thick matress with two large sliding drawers for storage.
Stainless trash can
It has to go this week! Write for details!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Embracing the Light
I am embracing the light at the end of the tunnel. This time next week I will be blogging from our new place in Tallahassee. The first place we had hoped for would not accept our animals, but we found an even better one...a townhouse with 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms in a complex with a pool, close enough to Jay's office for him to walk to work. This is an important aspect considering we share a car. No more crazy commutes, trying to figure out how to make it all work.
Less time on the road means less damage to the car and less traffic tickets. Always a good thing.
Amber, a member of our framily (framily is a friend that is more like family...I made that word up myself) will be living with us! I'm so excited about this. She'll have the room on the main floor and the rest of us will be upstairs. She is such an awesome addition to our lives and even now Caden says from time to time, "Where's Ms. Amber? Ms. Amber is not home yet!"
Obviously, he thinks she lives here already.
Caden is excited about his new house and his new room. He keeps asking if it's Saturday yet. I hope the transition goes well for him. I'm sure it will. He loves new and exciting things...and he certainly will love being in the car less!
This week will be spent packing and planning, transferring phone lines and selling stuff on craigslist.
Less time on the road means less damage to the car and less traffic tickets. Always a good thing.
Amber, a member of our framily (framily is a friend that is more like family...I made that word up myself) will be living with us! I'm so excited about this. She'll have the room on the main floor and the rest of us will be upstairs. She is such an awesome addition to our lives and even now Caden says from time to time, "Where's Ms. Amber? Ms. Amber is not home yet!"
Obviously, he thinks she lives here already.
Caden is excited about his new house and his new room. He keeps asking if it's Saturday yet. I hope the transition goes well for him. I'm sure it will. He loves new and exciting things...and he certainly will love being in the car less!
This week will be spent packing and planning, transferring phone lines and selling stuff on craigslist.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Moving On
This week will be spent packing up the house. I've moved through the stages of denial, anger, depression and acceptance...now I'm getting excited.
Our goal is to move into Tallahassee by March 1. I have to say, it's bitter sweet. I was hoping that when we moved away we would be completely cut from the ties of this house but I believe that with the house vacant, when the price is right, it will sell quickly.
For months we had been forcasting this time in our lives, hoping the house would sell prior to it, but since it hasn't we are making lemonade out of lemons and shipping out. We found a great place in the middle of Tallahassee, close to everything. The thought of having a 10 minute commute to anywhere is unfathomable now. I truly believe we will be healthier in every area of our lives once we are situated in the city. Financially, we will recover and begin thriving again. Emotionally, we won't feel the sting of seclusion and lonliness anymore. Physically, we will not be exhausted from the constant commuting and eating on the fly. As a family we will be able to take back all of the time we spend in the car and just be together, enjoying eachother's company. Caden won't have to suffer through anymore 1.5 hour treks into town and back again. Oh my gosh, it will be fantastic.
The miracle I am praying for is that someone chooses to purchase the house in March, but we are at peace with whatever happens.
"They can't eat us." - Jason Stock
Moving out is a step of faith...well, I'm not sure if it's fair to call it a step of faith when it feels like we have no other choice, but we certainly rely on our faith to keep the stress at bay.
I look forward to the move. If anyone has boxes, send them our way. We've found a great place but we're waiting to hear back as to whether they will accept pets.
When/if we move into our new place, we're going to have the biggest party ever. Consider yourself invited.
Our goal is to move into Tallahassee by March 1. I have to say, it's bitter sweet. I was hoping that when we moved away we would be completely cut from the ties of this house but I believe that with the house vacant, when the price is right, it will sell quickly.
For months we had been forcasting this time in our lives, hoping the house would sell prior to it, but since it hasn't we are making lemonade out of lemons and shipping out. We found a great place in the middle of Tallahassee, close to everything. The thought of having a 10 minute commute to anywhere is unfathomable now. I truly believe we will be healthier in every area of our lives once we are situated in the city. Financially, we will recover and begin thriving again. Emotionally, we won't feel the sting of seclusion and lonliness anymore. Physically, we will not be exhausted from the constant commuting and eating on the fly. As a family we will be able to take back all of the time we spend in the car and just be together, enjoying eachother's company. Caden won't have to suffer through anymore 1.5 hour treks into town and back again. Oh my gosh, it will be fantastic.
The miracle I am praying for is that someone chooses to purchase the house in March, but we are at peace with whatever happens.
"They can't eat us." - Jason Stock
Moving out is a step of faith...well, I'm not sure if it's fair to call it a step of faith when it feels like we have no other choice, but we certainly rely on our faith to keep the stress at bay.
I look forward to the move. If anyone has boxes, send them our way. We've found a great place but we're waiting to hear back as to whether they will accept pets.
When/if we move into our new place, we're going to have the biggest party ever. Consider yourself invited.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Who Knew Four Walls Could Make You Feel Like This
I'm not quite sure where to start..I'm not even sure if I should be typing this publicly, but I guess being transparent via blog has become a trademark of mine and honesty it always the best policy.
I'm ecstatic about what God has done in areas of my life and am forever thankful for my family...but this evening, after speaking with several people we know and trust and taking a look at the cold, hard truth about our house, I'm left feeling deflated and tired. I am regretful that things probably won't turn out the way I had hoped they would and although we tried to avoid this by trying to sell the house almost a year ago, here we are, forced into a corner...or at least edging quickly towards a corner.
The truth is we could not have predicted this. I remember the visions I had when buying the house. I saw our son attending the little school down the street and I saw us eventually constructing a small apartment for my visiting family on the adjacent lot. Our intentions were good and pure. The American Dream...maybe that's the problem...when a Canadian tries to obtain an American dream, it explodes like tin foil in the microwave ;)
I remember thinking that we would be in this house forever because in my mind, that's what people do. You buy a home and live out your days there, but the hard truth is that even if we could maintain this, we are just not happy here. The traditionalist and proud part of me feels obligated to this place...as if the deed we signed were constructed of stone, but I know how ridiculous that sounds.
It would be one thing if we were just unhappy here and had the time to wait it out. Unfortunately, life has dramatically shifted within the Stock Family since we signed the deed on this house 21 months ago and in spite of our concentrated efforts, we may not be able to maintain this lifestyle, as humble as it is, much longer.
Even so, I'm proud of us. I'm proud of my husband. We've come so far in the past year, eliminating debts and creating a great life for Caden by working hard and making sacrifices. We're not alone in our plight, which is somewhat comforting. Misery loves company after all. There are many of us throughout this nation who have lost jobs, had salaries cut in half and own homes we are upside down in. The 'American Dream' is quickly turning into a nightmare for masses of us who are finding ourselves in predicaments we thought only other people had to deal with.
Still, Jay made the right decision leaving his retail position...the store where he worked is actually shutting down this month...we are blessed to have had God's hand on us throughout this entire thing and I am coming to grips with the fact that it may not pan out the way I envisioned but I trust in the process and the power of prayer.
I would however like Jesus to beam down from heaven in physical man-form like a Star Trek character and tell me exactly what to do in complete detail. I just want to do the right thing...unfortunately, some scenarios aren't etched in black and white.
I've been a bit panicky today, reviewing out options, talking through decisions with trust worthy professionals that need to be made ASAP...decisions that seem much bigger than my mind can comprehend...but I am thankful, incredibly thankful.
God has given me various means to earn some money doing things that I love and was built to do. God has given me more time with Caden, which I am unwilling to part with for right now and an incredible marriage filled with love and respect. If the Almighty never does another thing for me, I will praise Him until the end of days.
One thing this economic crisis has taught me is that money will not make my world go 'round and as my husband says frequently, "They can't eat us."
Loosing a house and dinging our credit for 7 years is by far the least of tragedies. There are parents whose children have been abducted, mother's whose babies are suffering with cancer, marriages that are falling apart, families in third world countries without running water or any type of shelter at all.
We are blessed. We are blessed. And to say otherwise would be completely untrue.
So, I swallow my pride and silence the negative and disapproving voices in my head in an effort to move forward and do what's best for the family...regardless of whether it's conventional or creative. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Before I am bombarded with emails, phone calls and comments, we are FINE! We're alive and kicking, laughing and loving, blessed abundantly. Sorry to type so cryptically but it is the world wide web ;)
It's just been a weird day for me, considering options and realities I never believed I would find myself in, but also getting excited about the future and realizing that just because God doesn't answer prayer in my time or in the manner I think He should, doesn't mean His hand isn't on this entire thing.
I will pray more and worry less.
I'll keep you posted ;)
I'm ecstatic about what God has done in areas of my life and am forever thankful for my family...but this evening, after speaking with several people we know and trust and taking a look at the cold, hard truth about our house, I'm left feeling deflated and tired. I am regretful that things probably won't turn out the way I had hoped they would and although we tried to avoid this by trying to sell the house almost a year ago, here we are, forced into a corner...or at least edging quickly towards a corner.
The truth is we could not have predicted this. I remember the visions I had when buying the house. I saw our son attending the little school down the street and I saw us eventually constructing a small apartment for my visiting family on the adjacent lot. Our intentions were good and pure. The American Dream...maybe that's the problem...when a Canadian tries to obtain an American dream, it explodes like tin foil in the microwave ;)
I remember thinking that we would be in this house forever because in my mind, that's what people do. You buy a home and live out your days there, but the hard truth is that even if we could maintain this, we are just not happy here. The traditionalist and proud part of me feels obligated to this place...as if the deed we signed were constructed of stone, but I know how ridiculous that sounds.
It would be one thing if we were just unhappy here and had the time to wait it out. Unfortunately, life has dramatically shifted within the Stock Family since we signed the deed on this house 21 months ago and in spite of our concentrated efforts, we may not be able to maintain this lifestyle, as humble as it is, much longer.
Even so, I'm proud of us. I'm proud of my husband. We've come so far in the past year, eliminating debts and creating a great life for Caden by working hard and making sacrifices. We're not alone in our plight, which is somewhat comforting. Misery loves company after all. There are many of us throughout this nation who have lost jobs, had salaries cut in half and own homes we are upside down in. The 'American Dream' is quickly turning into a nightmare for masses of us who are finding ourselves in predicaments we thought only other people had to deal with.
Still, Jay made the right decision leaving his retail position...the store where he worked is actually shutting down this month...we are blessed to have had God's hand on us throughout this entire thing and I am coming to grips with the fact that it may not pan out the way I envisioned but I trust in the process and the power of prayer.
I would however like Jesus to beam down from heaven in physical man-form like a Star Trek character and tell me exactly what to do in complete detail. I just want to do the right thing...unfortunately, some scenarios aren't etched in black and white.
I've been a bit panicky today, reviewing out options, talking through decisions with trust worthy professionals that need to be made ASAP...decisions that seem much bigger than my mind can comprehend...but I am thankful, incredibly thankful.
God has given me various means to earn some money doing things that I love and was built to do. God has given me more time with Caden, which I am unwilling to part with for right now and an incredible marriage filled with love and respect. If the Almighty never does another thing for me, I will praise Him until the end of days.
One thing this economic crisis has taught me is that money will not make my world go 'round and as my husband says frequently, "They can't eat us."
Loosing a house and dinging our credit for 7 years is by far the least of tragedies. There are parents whose children have been abducted, mother's whose babies are suffering with cancer, marriages that are falling apart, families in third world countries without running water or any type of shelter at all.
We are blessed. We are blessed. And to say otherwise would be completely untrue.
So, I swallow my pride and silence the negative and disapproving voices in my head in an effort to move forward and do what's best for the family...regardless of whether it's conventional or creative. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Before I am bombarded with emails, phone calls and comments, we are FINE! We're alive and kicking, laughing and loving, blessed abundantly. Sorry to type so cryptically but it is the world wide web ;)
It's just been a weird day for me, considering options and realities I never believed I would find myself in, but also getting excited about the future and realizing that just because God doesn't answer prayer in my time or in the manner I think He should, doesn't mean His hand isn't on this entire thing.
I will pray more and worry less.
I'll keep you posted ;)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Piano Girl
I am in love with my new job. I make more in 3 hours than I did in 2 days at my last job and it's the gig I've wanted forever. I am having a blast and the crazy thing is...people love it! I was honestly a bit scared that someone who knows what they are talking about was going to walk in, hear me playing and call me out for being mediocre...I don't say that as a way of fishing for compliments, but I know that every musical ability in my body is from God alone and has nothing to do with my own strength or talent. Thankfully, He has been allowing me to use His gifts in this way and it has already lead me into a few, "How did you learn to play the piano?" conversations...which gives me an opportunity to give credit where credit is due.
The money is pretty fantastic too. I just show up, sit behind a baby grand and a microphone, play whatever I want for 3-4 hours while people eat expensive food. It's so easy going and relaxing and everyone seems to be happy with the arrangement. The owner is thrilled, I'm having a blast and people seem to enjoy the added touch to the atmosphere.
The drive is a bit much but when we move into Tallahassee it will be a breeze.
I began packing today. We don't have an offer on the house yet, but I believe a step of faith is needed so I purged the closets, packed up some pictures and trinkets and made a trip to the goodwill with four bags of stuff (after making a fort with Caden made of old sheets and blankets).
I've had several people ask me if I have started packing so I figured it was the right move.
I haven't received the book contract yet but I'm sure it will be here soon. Tomorrow I am going to nail out a massive chunk of time for writing. Last week was so insane, writing did not happen. I have been jotting down some ideas on route using a note pad so I'm excited to jump back in with both feet.
I'm also excited about chai tea at the coffee pub. Yum.
The money is pretty fantastic too. I just show up, sit behind a baby grand and a microphone, play whatever I want for 3-4 hours while people eat expensive food. It's so easy going and relaxing and everyone seems to be happy with the arrangement. The owner is thrilled, I'm having a blast and people seem to enjoy the added touch to the atmosphere.
The drive is a bit much but when we move into Tallahassee it will be a breeze.
I began packing today. We don't have an offer on the house yet, but I believe a step of faith is needed so I purged the closets, packed up some pictures and trinkets and made a trip to the goodwill with four bags of stuff (after making a fort with Caden made of old sheets and blankets).
I've had several people ask me if I have started packing so I figured it was the right move.
I haven't received the book contract yet but I'm sure it will be here soon. Tomorrow I am going to nail out a massive chunk of time for writing. Last week was so insane, writing did not happen. I have been jotting down some ideas on route using a note pad so I'm excited to jump back in with both feet.
I'm also excited about chai tea at the coffee pub. Yum.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
From Lonely to Crazy
A week ago I was feeling pretty lonely...this week, I'm craving some alone time! I guess you need to be careful what you pray for ;)
I have been freelancing and helping out at a spa in Tallahassee during the times Caden is in school/with Amber. On Tuesday evening I had an audition at a restaurant for a pianist position.
I walk in to meet the hostess who says, "Are you Kathy?"
I say, "Yes."
She says, "O great! He's going to love you! He loves brunettes!"
At this point I got nervous...I'm not much for womanizers and was picturing a dirty, old, single man with bad intentions to interview me. Turns out, he's an adorable, little Greek man named George who runs a friendly, easy going, family business. We spoke for a few minutes, he asked what he should pay me, I gave him a number and he gave me a higher one. I didn't complain.
I played the piano for a few minutes and he said, "You're hired!"
Wednesday I found some equipment to sing with and Wednesday night I went in for my first full gig. It was a bit slow, but I made 30 bucks in tips and am hoping to make a lot more on Friday and Saturday night. My regular schedule after this week will be Thursday-Saturday from 6-9.
With the spa work in the day and the piano gig at night, one family car and a three year old, it's been a crazy week! Not an ounce of loneliness to be found!
Next week, things will normal out a little.
I also should be receiving the book contract any day in the mail. I check daily with anticipation.
I'm so excited, blessed and humbled to finally be in positions that fit my interests and skill set. I prayed that God would place this square peg in a square hole, and He answered...big time.
After a lot of prayer and a gut feeling, we decided to not pursue the real estate deal we had been looking at. Instead, we were introduced to a fantastic realtor who is aggressive and enthusiastic about selling our home quickly. We are excited to see what happens.
I have been freelancing and helping out at a spa in Tallahassee during the times Caden is in school/with Amber. On Tuesday evening I had an audition at a restaurant for a pianist position.
I walk in to meet the hostess who says, "Are you Kathy?"
I say, "Yes."
She says, "O great! He's going to love you! He loves brunettes!"
At this point I got nervous...I'm not much for womanizers and was picturing a dirty, old, single man with bad intentions to interview me. Turns out, he's an adorable, little Greek man named George who runs a friendly, easy going, family business. We spoke for a few minutes, he asked what he should pay me, I gave him a number and he gave me a higher one. I didn't complain.
I played the piano for a few minutes and he said, "You're hired!"
Wednesday I found some equipment to sing with and Wednesday night I went in for my first full gig. It was a bit slow, but I made 30 bucks in tips and am hoping to make a lot more on Friday and Saturday night. My regular schedule after this week will be Thursday-Saturday from 6-9.
With the spa work in the day and the piano gig at night, one family car and a three year old, it's been a crazy week! Not an ounce of loneliness to be found!
Next week, things will normal out a little.
I also should be receiving the book contract any day in the mail. I check daily with anticipation.
I'm so excited, blessed and humbled to finally be in positions that fit my interests and skill set. I prayed that God would place this square peg in a square hole, and He answered...big time.
After a lot of prayer and a gut feeling, we decided to not pursue the real estate deal we had been looking at. Instead, we were introduced to a fantastic realtor who is aggressive and enthusiastic about selling our home quickly. We are excited to see what happens.
Monday, February 09, 2009
I don't have much...our house is small and it's in a rural, country, dirt road neighbourhood. My clothes are either from a discount store, the goodwill or someone else's closet. I didn't finish college and I don't have a lot of money in the bank. I do not have six-pack abs, 20/20 vision or clear skin.
But I am loved...by my God who created me for the soul purpose of knowing me. By my husband who respects me and honors me daily. We have never raised our voices at one another and we have never threatened to leave one another. We are best friends and what we have is rare and precious. By my son, who lights up my life daily and whose smile melts my heart. He's devastatingly handsome already and he has a compassionate heart for people. I see God all over him.
I've been judged and looked down upon as being lower middle class, unsuccessful and scatterbrained. Outside looking in, that is accurate. My resume is somewhat sad. We move a lot. We change jobs a lot. We hate being homeowners. One day we want to live in Africa, other days we want to move closer to family. We change our minds whenever the wind shifts.
But you know what, who cares! You only live once...might as well do it right...and sometimes that takes some trial and error. Show me Your will O Lord...even if it seems like non-sense, I'll take it over anything else. This may not make sense. It's late.
The point is, we can define ourselves by what others see or we can define ourselves by what we know, through the eyes of Christ.
I choose the latter. I am blessed beyond measure.
But I am loved...by my God who created me for the soul purpose of knowing me. By my husband who respects me and honors me daily. We have never raised our voices at one another and we have never threatened to leave one another. We are best friends and what we have is rare and precious. By my son, who lights up my life daily and whose smile melts my heart. He's devastatingly handsome already and he has a compassionate heart for people. I see God all over him.
I've been judged and looked down upon as being lower middle class, unsuccessful and scatterbrained. Outside looking in, that is accurate. My resume is somewhat sad. We move a lot. We change jobs a lot. We hate being homeowners. One day we want to live in Africa, other days we want to move closer to family. We change our minds whenever the wind shifts.
But you know what, who cares! You only live once...might as well do it right...and sometimes that takes some trial and error. Show me Your will O Lord...even if it seems like non-sense, I'll take it over anything else. This may not make sense. It's late.
The point is, we can define ourselves by what others see or we can define ourselves by what we know, through the eyes of Christ.
I choose the latter. I am blessed beyond measure.
It's a Beautiful Day
Today is one of those days where I am so over whelmingly thankful to be Caden's mom, that I can't really express it in words.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Thanks
Thanks friends who commented, called or emailed after reading my post yesterday. I have some seriously awesome friends. I apologize for missing every single one of your calls though :(....my phone is on it's way out (switches to silent on it's own, drops every call) and I'm in the process of getting another one.
I have a fantastic life and I hope I didn't come across as whiny or ungrateful. I think I'm just worn down from two weeks of nothing but illness and the seclusion of my house in the middle of nowhere. I still don't feel 100% healthy, so that is a large contributor as well. Luckily, we are all getting better quickly. Health and happiness have a tendency to go hand in hand sometimes. Next week we will make a point to get out of the house daily and feel the sunshine (or frost bite!) on our skin...even if we just end up pulling weeds in the backyard.
Bottom line is I'd rather have a touch of loneliness while spending more time with Caden then to socialize all day without him being around. Life is sweeter now than it has been because I feel good about how I'm spending my time...I'd take lonliness over guilt any day of the week. Caden makes me smile, big time.
And so do you. Thanks Amigos!
I have a fantastic life and I hope I didn't come across as whiny or ungrateful. I think I'm just worn down from two weeks of nothing but illness and the seclusion of my house in the middle of nowhere. I still don't feel 100% healthy, so that is a large contributor as well. Luckily, we are all getting better quickly. Health and happiness have a tendency to go hand in hand sometimes. Next week we will make a point to get out of the house daily and feel the sunshine (or frost bite!) on our skin...even if we just end up pulling weeds in the backyard.
Bottom line is I'd rather have a touch of loneliness while spending more time with Caden then to socialize all day without him being around. Life is sweeter now than it has been because I feel good about how I'm spending my time...I'd take lonliness over guilt any day of the week. Caden makes me smile, big time.
And so do you. Thanks Amigos!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Confession
I'm pretty lonely these days. I am still very much enjoying the excess time with my little boy, but I forgot how lonely and isolating stay-at-home parenting can be. Especially with our new 'one vehicle' situation. There are a few days a week where Caden and I do not have the means to leave the house. In all honesty, I haven't really noticed the loneliness during the day. I'm too active with Caden to focus on the lack of adult conversation...but in the evenings I am eager and needing to talk about everything and anything under the sun. I want to hear every detail about Jay's day, right down to the number of croutons he had on his afternoon salad...completely starved for interaction with someone above 3 feet tall.
Since I'm not as busy with the worship team as I use to be, and we no longer have any neighbours that we know, the sting of loneliness is a bit more intense this time around then it was during my first few years of stay-at-home-mommyness.
Thank goodness for Amber. She has been my saving grace and an answer to prayer. She doesn't live right down the street, but she's here frequently as an amazing support and friend to the entire family.
I'm an extrovert so I need to socialize to be myself. The isolation is nothing I can't and won't handle...I'll get into the swing of things and find a schedule that works for me. I'll re-connect with the small group I started attending but stopped because I wasn't spending enough time with Caden. Now that time with Caden isn't an issue anymore, I can plug back in. I can also use the downtime I have while Caden naps or goes to school to plug away at my book and to jot down other ideas I have for future literature. I'll get use to it...I think the sickness (first with Caden, now with me) has also made the situation more dyer than it will be in the near future. When we both feel better, we'll go for walks, blow bubbles in the yard, pull up weeds and draw a bike track in the drive way with side walk chalk for him to ride around on. I have big plans on the horizon.
Until then, I will rest in God's arms and utilize my annoying cell phone (it cuts off for no reason) to find the companionship I need to get through the day.
I'm blessed beyond measure and I know it. This too shall pass.
Since I'm not as busy with the worship team as I use to be, and we no longer have any neighbours that we know, the sting of loneliness is a bit more intense this time around then it was during my first few years of stay-at-home-mommyness.
Thank goodness for Amber. She has been my saving grace and an answer to prayer. She doesn't live right down the street, but she's here frequently as an amazing support and friend to the entire family.
I'm an extrovert so I need to socialize to be myself. The isolation is nothing I can't and won't handle...I'll get into the swing of things and find a schedule that works for me. I'll re-connect with the small group I started attending but stopped because I wasn't spending enough time with Caden. Now that time with Caden isn't an issue anymore, I can plug back in. I can also use the downtime I have while Caden naps or goes to school to plug away at my book and to jot down other ideas I have for future literature. I'll get use to it...I think the sickness (first with Caden, now with me) has also made the situation more dyer than it will be in the near future. When we both feel better, we'll go for walks, blow bubbles in the yard, pull up weeds and draw a bike track in the drive way with side walk chalk for him to ride around on. I have big plans on the horizon.
Until then, I will rest in God's arms and utilize my annoying cell phone (it cuts off for no reason) to find the companionship I need to get through the day.
I'm blessed beyond measure and I know it. This too shall pass.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Sick
Sorry for my temporary absence. Sickness has descended upon my home and I haven't had time to do anything but administer medicines, wipes noses and drive back and forth to the doctor. Just this week we have spent $178.00 on doctors visits and prescriptions. Not a fun way to spend cash you don't have.
Another $157.00 was spent at the vet because yes, even the dog is sick.
Diagnoses? Double ear infections for Caden and Dakota. Caden's eyes also became infected so he needed eye drops as well as anti-biotics. The anti-biotics gave him small hives so we had to discontinue using that $40.00 bottle after only 2 doses. Argh.
The medicine drawer in the kitchen is bursting at the seams. Vitamins, decongestants and eye drops for Caden, ear wash an ear drops for Dakota and anti-biotics, nasal spray and eye drops for me.
In addition to the corneal infection in my right eye (which I believe is pretty much done...I can't wait to get my contact lenses back!) I have developed a sinus infection that is causing me to feel like I have a piece of glass wedged in my throat. Convenient time to be uninsured (sarcasm).
Jay, so far, has dodged the bullet. So have the cats...who never seem to cause much trouble aside from random hairballs.
There has been a lot of napping and television watching in the Stock house. Luckily, I don't need to worry about asking my boss for time off in the midst of all these infections. With more lay offs occurring at my former place of business, I believe my job would have been terminated whether I volunteered for it to happen or not. Everything happens for a reason and I know God has big plans for everyone who finds themselves unsure in these scary economic times.
So far today, Caden and I are still in our pajamas, we put on woolen socks and skated on the kitchen floor, we coloured, did laundry together, watched cartoons, had a snack and are really enjoying all of this new found time with one another. I can't believe I was missing out on this for so long. It is so much more exhausting but so much more rewarding. Working was a nice mental break but at times, the silence was deafening and I found myself longing for the sounds of my son's voice, whether it was whiny or not. It's weird because in the quiet of my cubicle I felt chaotic and out of control in my spirit. Now, I have peace and am less high strung even though I'm in the midst of crazy, toddler chaos 24/7.
I love being home with my boy, even on the snotty nose days.
Another $157.00 was spent at the vet because yes, even the dog is sick.
Diagnoses? Double ear infections for Caden and Dakota. Caden's eyes also became infected so he needed eye drops as well as anti-biotics. The anti-biotics gave him small hives so we had to discontinue using that $40.00 bottle after only 2 doses. Argh.
The medicine drawer in the kitchen is bursting at the seams. Vitamins, decongestants and eye drops for Caden, ear wash an ear drops for Dakota and anti-biotics, nasal spray and eye drops for me.
In addition to the corneal infection in my right eye (which I believe is pretty much done...I can't wait to get my contact lenses back!) I have developed a sinus infection that is causing me to feel like I have a piece of glass wedged in my throat. Convenient time to be uninsured (sarcasm).
Jay, so far, has dodged the bullet. So have the cats...who never seem to cause much trouble aside from random hairballs.
There has been a lot of napping and television watching in the Stock house. Luckily, I don't need to worry about asking my boss for time off in the midst of all these infections. With more lay offs occurring at my former place of business, I believe my job would have been terminated whether I volunteered for it to happen or not. Everything happens for a reason and I know God has big plans for everyone who finds themselves unsure in these scary economic times.
So far today, Caden and I are still in our pajamas, we put on woolen socks and skated on the kitchen floor, we coloured, did laundry together, watched cartoons, had a snack and are really enjoying all of this new found time with one another. I can't believe I was missing out on this for so long. It is so much more exhausting but so much more rewarding. Working was a nice mental break but at times, the silence was deafening and I found myself longing for the sounds of my son's voice, whether it was whiny or not. It's weird because in the quiet of my cubicle I felt chaotic and out of control in my spirit. Now, I have peace and am less high strung even though I'm in the midst of crazy, toddler chaos 24/7.
I love being home with my boy, even on the snotty nose days.
Monday, February 02, 2009
The Joy's of Toddlerhood
Here is Caden, refusing to let go of Christmas
Here he is doing P90X with Daddy.
Here he is doing P90X with Daddy.
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