Christmas with Caden

This is the first year that Caden can really grasp the magic of Christmas. We've written our letter to Santa (yes, we do Santa...GASP!), watched Christmas movies, baked cookies, decorated the house, got a real tree and read the story of Baby Jesus over and over. Caden knows every Christmas carol from 'Joy to the World' to 'Happy Birthday Jesus' (refer to previous post :) He sat through a full-length film for the first time. It was 'Santa Buddies'...a cheesy, holiday film about golden retriever puppies, saving the north pole. Brought a tear to Jay's eye ;) Shhhhh, don't tell him I told you that.
Christmas with a little one is a refreshing reminder of how miraculous things are. When Caden kneels in front of the nativity set and stares at Baby Jesus, it teaches me to do the same. It's easy to let the financial stress and busy schedule get in the way of sitting, staring, thanking and soaking up the season.
He does often ask me if Jesus is a girl because in our particular nativity set, he has a purple blanket and according to Caden he also has, "Pink Lips." Coupled with the fact that adult Jesus is always depicted as a fair skinned, wimpy man with a dress and long hair, Caden is often confused as to his gender. He also believes that God is in his heart the same way that his baby brother is in my tummy...and that he will eventually have to go to the hospital to 'get Him out.'
I'm not too concerned about his theology at this point...there's plenty of time to work this stuff out :)
Christmas with Caden gives me the opportunity to explain over and over and over again, (in true 3 year old fashion) what Christmas is. I love it.
Next year, we have no idea where we'll be living or what we'll be doing but we do know that we'll have two little monsters vying for the Christmas tree ornaments, trying to sneak into Mama's closet to find the presents. Should be double the holiday magic. :)

Christmas Concert 2009

Today Caden took part in his first Christmas concert...and boy, did he take part! Our church has two services on Sunday mornings so he and his friends were given the opportunity to perform their musical number twice!
The first time (and this is one out of about 5 songs) he did great! He stood still, sang, did some actions and made Mama proud.


The second service he was evidently a bit bored so he decided to make it the Caden show. I wasn't prepared to video tape this service because he had done so well in the first...but when I saw these shenanigans start up I knew I had to capture it. The footage isn't very good but you can see enough to know he's being a ham...


Luckily, the church video taped both services professionally so hopefully I will be able to score a copy of each, distinct memory. Oh my...

Merry Christmas!

Relationship Lesson #33094

I'm beginning to understand that some relationships are seasonal and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. I am coming to the conclusion that there are few people whom you remain compatible with for your entire life and that's ok. After all, we all change. We all need different things from different people at different points in our lives and sometimes the natural changes of time (however quickly they occur) just make us incompatible with people we use to be compatible with.
There are seasons when appreciation is reciprocated and I believe that is when friendship flourishes. When there is a mutual appreciation and respect...a desire to be with and around someone that reflects their desire to be with and around you. You have things in common, you can have trusted, confidential talks, you have concern for one another. It's a beautiful thing.
So many times i have found myself in these types of relationships only to see them change or vanish into thin air without warning. Did I do something wrong? Was I being used? Probably not. Although, when you sense someone is distancing themselves from you, it hurts like heck and it feels very personal.
After long, hard consideration and contemplation of this topic, I've come to the conclusion that seasons are natural, even in relationship and there's nothing to be paranoid or sad about. This of course doesn't apply to all relationships. As a wife, I have promised to love, respect, grow and change WITH my husband instead of apart from him. I praise God that this has been an almost effortless feat in my 6.5 year marriage thus far...perhaps it will become more difficult as time passes, but I am blessed to be married to a man who doesn't just change, but changes for the better on purpose and makes me better in the process. This type of relationship is one of the best that God has going in the earth.
My sons will never stop being my children, no matter what they do...this relationship is one in which I will have to be a martyr, tighten my lip, take a lot of abuse and shell out Christ-sized portions of love...I will love them as cute babies, annoying/funny toddlers, awkward kids, bratty teens and rebellious young adults...and hopefully, when they are men, I will be their parent AND their friend...until then, I am their Mom and nothing, not time, distance or circumstance, will change that. They can't get rid of me, even if they want to :)
In my particular situation, my parents will always be there for me and I praise God for that because I know it's unique. Some parents are more immature than their children...that is not my situation. I hope I can be half of who they are and I know my children will be better for it if I am. Their commitment to me, my husband and my children will last as long as they have breath in their bodies....which I hope is a long, long time.
But friendship is a different story...and I praise God for that hand full of people who love me at every point of my life and make a choice to stay committed to me when I'm on and off...who love me for me...not for what I can do for them, not for what I bring to the table, not by default because of my kids or my husband...but just for me...and that type of friendship is selfless and unchanging...and rare...super rare.
I have had these conversations with a few people lately and they have affirmed the fact that I am not crazy...another reason why it's important to have good friends :) and instead of dwelling on the people who have walked out of my life without explanation or whose lives I have had to walk out of for self-preservation, I am going to focus on the people who God has given to me as trusted, life-long friends.
You are rare, beautiful, amazing and dear to me...and hopefully you know who you are ;)

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Caden, practicing for his first Christmas concert.

Frustration Station

I'm allowed to be frustrated, right? I think we all are. Somethings are just irritating. Add to the mix lack of sleep, aching back, money stress, non-stop toddler and 80,000 pounds of Christmas cards and paperwork I've been working on this week, and it's a recipe for disaster. I woke up a bit late this morning because I had a terrible night sleep and Jay got up with Caden so I could rest from 8-10 this morning...when I got up, it hit me. I NEED TO SEND OUT CANADIAN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS TODAY OR THEY WON'T MAKE IT IN TIME.
I threw on clothes, skipped breakfast (which is not smart for a pregnant lady) and assured Jay I'd be back in 10 minutes so he could get to work on time and of course, once I get to the post office, the line is LONG and slowly moving. I pick out festive envelopes and line up with my 70 Christmas cards, 4 packages and sad little debit card that is shuttering at the thought of being maxed out on shipping charges.
I do this every year.
I send out 70 Christmas cards and I receive maybe 25. Which leads me to believe, giving must feel better than receiving, otherwise I would have quit these shenanigans a decade ago and saved on postage. Every year I say I'm going to make a list of the people who sent me cards and only send cards to them next year but I never do. As much as I hate the cost of stamps...I love Christmas cards...can't lie.
I get to the counter and the woman gives me tons of customs forms to fill out so she moves me to the side and begins helping all the people behind me while I fill them out. I fill them out and she continues helping people behind me. Finally I say, "I'm done!" and she pays attention to me again.
After I slide my card and officially spend more on shipping than I did on Christmas, I leave the post office, 30 minutes after arriving, knowing that Jay is probably fuming at my lateness because he has to get to work.
He's not. In fact, when I open the door, he's doing laundry and putting a chicken in the crock pot for dinner tonight and greeting me with a smile.
So, regardless of how hungry I am, tired I feel, irritated I become or empty my pockets are, I have a pretty amazing man at home who eliminates all of that irritation with a smile and a hug.
It's going to be alright...

Healer

Jerad asked me to lead the song, 'Healer' on Sunday and I quickly said 'yes' without really thinking about it. When I looked up the lyrics to practice, I suddenly found myself wondering if I'd be able to utter such words:

"You heal all my disease"

I know that He can heal disease, but coming out of a recent circumstance where I diligently prayed for a person's healing, only to learn that they passed away made it difficult for me to sing this with confidence...and I don't like to sing a lie.

The rest of the song I believed with fervency: "You hold my every moment, you calm my raging seas, you walk with me through fire....I trust in you, I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need..."

But "You heal ALL my disease" was troubling to me.

I wrestled with it, wondering if I was going to have to call Jerad back and tell him that in good conscience, I couldn't sing something I wasn't sure I believed. Don't get me wrong, I believe He is good...I believe He is just...I just wasn't convinced in that moment that He heals all of our diseases.

A few weeks ago I attended church alone with Caden while Jay rested at home with a head cold. I felt strangely introverted, very unlike me...I didn't want to talk to anyone or make eye contact...I felt lonely and uncertain without Jay by my side. It was a weird feeling for me. Jay usually has to drag me out of a social setting because I stop and talk to every soul along my path, but not this particular day...I was intimidated about being without him in the crowd.
In the midst of the service, it hit me that this would be my cousin's reality should his wife pass away, leaving him alone to raise their six year old daughter. The band started singing "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" and I lost it. I sat in the dark sanctuary, faced the wall as to not attract attention and sobbed...because in that moment, I was him. I feel as though it was one of the first times in my life that I ever, truly interceded and prayed for someone. I feel like for a moment I was able to feel a tiny fraction of the discomfort and sadness and loneliness of losing a spouse and I wept and wept and wept for him...I prayed, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..." but it wasn't my rescue I needed Him to come to...it was Jonathan's.

Two weeks later, Shelly passed away.

It dawned on me in the midst of this lyrical, internal struggle that this life isn't all there is...that our souls were made for eternity and that death, in a way, is a healing. Pastor Brian later spoke on that very thing...about how when we say death is healing, it isn't a cop out or an excuse because God didn't do what we thought He should...it's truth. This is why Shelly didn't 'lose' her battle with cancer...she is victoriously healed right now.

I ended up singing the song and I believe it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had leading worship because I believed, wholeheartedly, after MUCH thought and consideration, every word that was coming out of my mouth and I was focused more on that than I was the tickle in my throat or the chilly temperatures in the sanctuary. It was a beautiful and raw moment between me and God and I am humbled that I was able to share it with a room full of people who needed to hear the message.

The fact that God uses me in spite of myself is always mind boggling for me. I just thought I'd share one way in which He did that this week.

I will not....

...tell myself something is impossible, too expensive or too difficult to attain
...define myself by what others perceive to be true about me
...lose sleep over things I cannot control or lies I've told myself
...teach my children to be passive
...place money or objects above God and family
...waste time being ungrateful when I am overwhelmingly blessed
...lie
...allow life's annoyances to rob me of my joy
...make everything about 'me'
...scratch the neighbour's car even though he purposefully parks it in my spot ALL the time
...orchestrate a giant Christmas list with Caden, teaching him that Christmas is all about stuff
...cease to give even when the budget isn't working out
...say everything that pops into my head
...degrade, disrespect or talk down to another human being just to make myself feel superior
...drink a chick fil a milkshake everyday
...allow tiny things to make me really upset
...get my feelings hurt easily
...desperately seek attention where ever I can get it
...take my job lightly
...forget Who defines me