Trust

I don't trust people. I don't say that to sound jaded or cynical...I'm not bitter or overcome with resentment and unforgiveness...I just don't trust people because, well, their not Jesus. I've learned that Jesus is the only one who can be trusted not to hurt me and He is the only one who can be trusted to define me and since scripture doesn't tell us that we need to trust everyone, or even anyone but God, I simply don't.
Now, I trust my husband to be faithful to me and to be the man he has promised he would be when he married me. He has spent our entire relationship proving himself trustworthy and providing for my every need, physical and emotional. But, at the end of the day, he is a human being and there have been moments when we've let each other down, but I trust him to stand by me no matter what so I am able to be vulnerable with him.
I trust my parents to always be there for me, no matter how old I am or what I've done/do, I can trust in their love and support.I trust in it even more so now that I know what it means to be a parent. I hope my children can always trust the same of me.
Outside of these relationships, I find it very difficult to trust people...particularly women. I have some of the most amazing female friends on the planet, yet there is a part of me that is closed off from deepening those relationships because...well...I don't trust people.
I've realized this about myself over the last few years but more so recently when I began taking an active role in a women's ministry at my church. I felt this strong desire to see women in real, authentic, healthy relationships with one another where they could feel safe and be honest...I'm starting to realize, I need to work on this very thing!
In college (or University as it's known to the folks north of the border), I was one of the guys. I organized nacho night at don Cherry's Sports Bar, I watched WWE religiously and wrestled with my guy friends...and I mean wrestled...seriously, Cliff Perry showed me no mercy :)...my guy friends were some of the deepest and real that I had for a long time and they were straight up legit. I didn't play games to get their attention and they didn't have ulterior motives with me. We were just friends and it was awesome.
But when you get married and have babies, it's no longer appropriate to be one of the guys...then you kind of come across as a hussy...and that's certainly not the persona I want to run with. I'll be honest, it was difficult for me to navigate the realm of female friendships. I only had two or three female friends that I felt truly connected with and none of us lived near each other. Luckily, I have been introduced to and have become connected with some AMAZING women over the last couple of years. Fun women with hearts for God and good heads on their shoulders...women who are a lot like me...and it's been a huge blessing to have that kind of support system in a city so far from home.
This brings me back to my trust problem...I'm working on deepening and strengthening these relationships in my life by being a good listener and a real friend...but the area I have to work on the most is opening myself up to trust people who have already proven themselves trustworthy. I can't judge future and present relationships by past relationships that hurt my heart. It's not fair to the people God has given me to share life with and it's not fair to myself.
I was talking to my dear friend, Kris Spell this morning about this very thing and I mentioned how I think I might just be cautious and how that's a smart way to be...she then put me in my place by saying, "Cautious is one thing...closed is another." Tu Chez.
I don't want to be closed off to becoming a better person through the people around me...and if anyone is reading this with the same issue and desire to change it, (and you live in Tallahassee), get involved with For Women Only at genesischurch.tv and we'll figure this thing out together.

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers."
-Persian Proverb