I'm Moving

After 6 wonderful years of bligityblogging, I am moving over to www.kathystock.com
If you're looking for information on my music, public speaking or just want to catch the same heart felt stories, ramblings and writings you've experienced here, you can catch all at my new home.
Thank you for reading my stuff and I look forward to seeing you at www.kathystock.com

The Prophet

My husband, Jason is a fitness director at a local gym. He runs the personal training department, does a little training himself and focuses mainly on selling personal training packages. He loves helping, training, teaching, motivating and education people in the areas of health and wellness. He finds great joy in bringing life saving tools to the morbidly obese and unhealthy people he sees on a regular basis but he hates the fact that money stops so many from taking advantage of the services they so desperately need. Every day he says, "I love what I do...I just wish I could do it for free."
One of the trainers he works with is a young woman with a heart for God and a masters in Theology. They have random conversations about faith and belief in the bible. One day, during one of these conversations, she mentioned that her father was a prophet.
Jay was very intrigued by this and was eager to tell me all about it. That Saturday, this woman's father called Jason and asked if he could come and visit us. I was a bit nervous but I do believe in prophetic gifts...I also believe that there are a lot of crazies who come in the name of the lord so I was rightfully guarded.
Ten minutes later, he arrived. He was probably in his 60's and he had a blue tooth in one of his ears.
He came in and sat down. He asked us questions about ourselves...I mentioned that I had written a book and he asked to see it. When I gave it to him he said, "Do you mind if I take a moment to read this?" and he proceeded to 'speed read' the entire book in front of us in about 2 minutes. He said he had trained for 6 weeks to be a speed reader and he had mastered the art. I wasn't convinced he wasn't a kook at this point.
He then told us about himself. How he is from California, he's a double doctorate in theology, he was raised in the Catholic church and could speak five languages. He was definitely one of the most interesting people I have ever met. He then spoke about us as if he knew us. He wasn't ultra specific but what he did say was very applicable.
He told us that whatever God has put in us to do with our lives, He meant for us to do it together...that we were to work with one another....that God has given Jason a help mate in me and that He had given me a protector and provider in Jason. It was true. We've always had a strong desire to do ministry with one another. We play directly off of each other's strengths and weaknesses...he wasn't saying anything shocking or surprising...the only thing shocking was that he knew it.
He stayed with us for two hours and convinced me that although he may be a bit more...how shall we say...'free spirited' than I am, he was definitely a biblical Christian who knew God's word upside down and backwards and believed it passionately to be true.
He asked if he could pray for us individually. Jay accepted. I declined. Trust issues...read my previous post to catch up on that ;)....but he graciously understood my concern and assured me his feelings weren't hurt or offended. He invited us to his church which meets at 6pm on Sunday evenings and we decided to go this past Sunday.
He encouraged us to bring the children however I didn't feel comfortable bringing them into an unknown spiritual environment without knowing it was 'safe' myself. One off the wall, un-orderly Christian experience would probably scar Caden for life.
We showed up and instead of a church building, it was more like an office. We walked in and there were about 15 people there, smiling and greeting us....we were evidently the first new comers they had encountered in a long time...if, ever.
I was really nervous when I saw this...wondering when the snakes were going to come out...
They began to sing...an older woman played the guitar and they sang song after song...mostly southern gospel choruses that brought back memories of my parents Gaither videos....(shutter)....just kidding, Dad ;)
They prayed in tongues and lifted their hands...there was no 'order of service', worship leader or regimented schedule...just a freeing gathering of people who love God and who seemingly loved each other.
It was actually really nice.
It was a pretty calm evening...everyone spoke calmly and gently...several people stood and spoke prophetically...there was a common theme to the prophesies...how God who was faithful to begin a good work would be faithful to complete it...that courage was needed to walk down the path He has pre-destined for us...it was all about embracing His direction with boldness...
Afterward, everyone swarmed us and made us feel really welcome. They assured us there were no snakes hiding in the back and amidst their laughter, I felt much better. They invited us to come back and bring the babies and we may just do that.
So, all in all, our experience with 'the prophet' was an interesting and enlightening one. Just goes to show, you can't judge a book by it's cover...unless of course, you're a prophet ;)

Trust

I don't trust people. I don't say that to sound jaded or cynical...I'm not bitter or overcome with resentment and unforgiveness...I just don't trust people because, well, their not Jesus. I've learned that Jesus is the only one who can be trusted not to hurt me and He is the only one who can be trusted to define me and since scripture doesn't tell us that we need to trust everyone, or even anyone but God, I simply don't.
Now, I trust my husband to be faithful to me and to be the man he has promised he would be when he married me. He has spent our entire relationship proving himself trustworthy and providing for my every need, physical and emotional. But, at the end of the day, he is a human being and there have been moments when we've let each other down, but I trust him to stand by me no matter what so I am able to be vulnerable with him.
I trust my parents to always be there for me, no matter how old I am or what I've done/do, I can trust in their love and support.I trust in it even more so now that I know what it means to be a parent. I hope my children can always trust the same of me.
Outside of these relationships, I find it very difficult to trust people...particularly women. I have some of the most amazing female friends on the planet, yet there is a part of me that is closed off from deepening those relationships because...well...I don't trust people.
I've realized this about myself over the last few years but more so recently when I began taking an active role in a women's ministry at my church. I felt this strong desire to see women in real, authentic, healthy relationships with one another where they could feel safe and be honest...I'm starting to realize, I need to work on this very thing!
In college (or University as it's known to the folks north of the border), I was one of the guys. I organized nacho night at don Cherry's Sports Bar, I watched WWE religiously and wrestled with my guy friends...and I mean wrestled...seriously, Cliff Perry showed me no mercy :)...my guy friends were some of the deepest and real that I had for a long time and they were straight up legit. I didn't play games to get their attention and they didn't have ulterior motives with me. We were just friends and it was awesome.
But when you get married and have babies, it's no longer appropriate to be one of the guys...then you kind of come across as a hussy...and that's certainly not the persona I want to run with. I'll be honest, it was difficult for me to navigate the realm of female friendships. I only had two or three female friends that I felt truly connected with and none of us lived near each other. Luckily, I have been introduced to and have become connected with some AMAZING women over the last couple of years. Fun women with hearts for God and good heads on their shoulders...women who are a lot like me...and it's been a huge blessing to have that kind of support system in a city so far from home.
This brings me back to my trust problem...I'm working on deepening and strengthening these relationships in my life by being a good listener and a real friend...but the area I have to work on the most is opening myself up to trust people who have already proven themselves trustworthy. I can't judge future and present relationships by past relationships that hurt my heart. It's not fair to the people God has given me to share life with and it's not fair to myself.
I was talking to my dear friend, Kris Spell this morning about this very thing and I mentioned how I think I might just be cautious and how that's a smart way to be...she then put me in my place by saying, "Cautious is one thing...closed is another." Tu Chez.
I don't want to be closed off to becoming a better person through the people around me...and if anyone is reading this with the same issue and desire to change it, (and you live in Tallahassee), get involved with For Women Only at genesischurch.tv and we'll figure this thing out together.

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers."
-Persian Proverb

Caden and the Mullet Toss

Caden took part in the St. George Island Annual Mullet Toss. Here are his skillz.

Preston James

This was a few weeks ago but here's some video of Mr. Preston! Enjoy!

Happy Father's Day

Everyone in my family knows that I am (and ridicules me for being) terrible with mailing cards on time, if at all, for special occasions. Luckily, my mother was here on Mother's Day so she got her present a day early but alas, this Father's day, both my father and father-in-laws cards are still nestled in the diaper bag pocket, yet to make it to the post office.
I know. I'm awful.
Lucky for me, there's modern technology and I will use it to send my gratitude and love to the men in our lives.
We were just able to spend a lovely week at the beach with Jay's step-dad...AKA: Grandpa. Grandpa is fun and caring...he is also a baby whisperer. He has this incredible ability to calm any baby in any situation. He has been an amazing father to Jason, a wonderful father-in-law to me and a lovely grandpa to the kiddos. Thanks for everything you are and everything you do. Your card will be there, someday. It's more fun that way, because it'll be a lovely surprise. ;)
I haven't seen my dad in about a year and it may be another year before I see him again. That's tough for me, because he's a pretty awesome guy to be around. My dad is a scholar of life, who studies daily with the intensity of a masters student during finals, but he does it purely for the enjoyment of self enrichment. He is a brilliant, deep soul who tells the driest jokes you've ever heard and puts ketchup on everything. Seriously, everything.
My dad has been an example of forgiveness and transformation in my life. I remember little about my father before he accepted Christ but I know that he became a radically different man and it's because of his decision to follow Jesus that I am the woman I am now. I hope that I can be the example of discipleship to my children the way he has been to me. Waking early to meditate on the words of a worn out bible, duct taped together and falling apart from overuse. Always asking forgiveness when necessary. Pouring scripture into our ears to the point of nauseam. I'm better because of you. Thanks for being my dad. It is through your example that I was able to find and marry a man who is an incredible husband and father...I knew what to look for based on your example.
Your card will be an even greater surprise because it will arrive about two weeks after it's mailed, given your geographical distance...but oh, what a glorious day at the post office that will be :)
Happy Father's Day!

Don't Leave

I know I have done a very poor job of maintaining this blog lately…it’s midnight right now and although I should be sleeping, I am writing because it’s the only chance I’ve had to do so in a while. I miss it.
I’ve been in the midst of raising two boys (one of which is a newborn baby), promoting a book, selling a house (we’re getting closer and closer each day but the paperwork has been INSANE), obtaining greencard status for Jay in Canada (which also requires an insane amount of time consuming paperwork), helping to create a women’s ministry and sustain my prayer life, home, relationships and sanity in the process.
I’m not complaining…promise. Just justifying my online absence has of late…and begging you to stick around…keep checking in. I promise, my writing will become more interesting and consistent when I figure out how to add the blogging plate the the rest of the ones I’m spinning.
I love to write and am excited about what’s happening with the book and what’s to come when I have more time to focus on arranging speaking engagements and marketing…but for right now, I am spending the summer enjoying Caden before he starts school, getting to know Preston as he grows and changes at an insanely fast pace and enjoying the blessings around me.
In the mean time, like i said, please, don’t leave.

Sour Milk

That's what I smell like most of the time. But hey, that's what I signed up for...and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I very much enjoy being a mother of two...I think it suits me...once Caden became super independent and my book was written/submitted, I became a bit bored. I worked a little over the winter at the Episcopal church but when that ended, I found my pregnant-self often bored, complacent and lonely with not much to do but swell.
Having a baby forces you out of complacency...and having a 4 year old, vying for your attention while you're watching the baby, adds to the chaos...and I like it. I like being needed...I like having boys to pour into and take care of. I like knowing that my job is important and making a difference in at least 2-3 lives, each day.
It isn't all that glamourous and certainly not considered labor intensive by many of the world's standards...but I know at the end of the day that I've put in some serious time and that I love my job.
Preston is sleeping 10 hours straight at night...not kidding...the boy is 6 weeks old and gets a better night sleep than the rest of us. He is healthy, happy and strong.
Caden is a handfull and a half but when he's not in time out for hurting the cat, he's making me laugh and helping me around the house.
Life is good...all around...there are stresses, points of anxiety, areas of grey...but for the most part, I couldn't imagine being more blessed than I am now.
I am actively thinking about my next book. I'm going to start referring to myself as an 'author' and 'stay at home mom' instead of just the latter. I'll have a silent satisfaction as I list my occupations on future medical forms and the like...it's amazing to be in the midst of becoming something you've always wanted to be...it's exciting to see God's hand and plan at work...it's insane to think about how it all came about.
I'm happy, I'm blessed, I'm excited, I'm overwhelmed (in a good way) and I smell like sour milk.

NOTE: My book is available for ordering. Check out the side link to order now!

Life

Life doesn't leave much time for writing these days...something I miss during the craziness of being a mom of multiple children...but I figured I would take a few minutes while both boys are sleeping to let everyone know how things are going. They are going great.
Preston is an incredible little boy who weighs 10 lbs and 13 ozs already and sleeps really well at night. He has started smiling and cooing and making facial expressions and can hold his head better than any baby his age I have ever witnessed. I think he'll be walking and eating steak by 4 months :)
Caden has adjusted marvelously to life as a big brother. I couldn't be more proud of him. He started school, 3 afternoons a week and will transition into full-time preK in August. I can't believe he's going to real school this fall...it's a bit insane that time goes by so quickly.
I am feeling fantastic. No post-pardum whatsoever...I figure it's because I just don't have time to be sad :)
My first book was released in May and is available for pre-order now. I'll be posting more about ordering it in the near future, once someone teaches me how to set up a website, etc. This is all so brand new to me...and with a newborn, starting a business and promoting my first work is a bit of a daunting task...but it's one I take on humbly and graciously.
Jay transitioned into a new roll at his work place, taking over the management of the personal training and fitness side of things instead of managing the facility. He is LOVING it. It's such an amazing fit for him and it's revealing so much about what he loves to do and what God has gifted him to be. He's also kicking some serious tail with selling PT which is comforting for the pocket book :)
The best part is that he is no longer on call or expected to work weekends...and he works 8-12 and 4-8, Monday through Friday, with a chunk of time off in the afternoon to hang out with us. I couldn't be more thrilled.
...so life is busy, but better than I could ever ask for...and it stops for no one...so I must run and get the boys ready, bring Caden to school, feed Preston, run some errands...etc, etc, etc.
Stay tuned. I promise, I'm still here :)

Moms of Toddlers Devotions to Go

The time has come! My book is available for pre-order! Since this is my first rodeo, I gave everyone the website address for ordering the book when it's probably in my best interest to have everyone order it directly from me...and I can sign it then to, if requested :)
So, let me know via email if you'd like a copy of the book and I'll let you know how to purchase from there.
kathylynnstock@hotmail.com

Thanks!

Mother's Day

Genesischurch.tv kindly asked me to speak at the Mother's Day service last Sunday. It was a humbling and awesome experience to have my first speaking gig be among the church family I love so dearly. It was a special day. My mom was there, Preston was dedicated and my book went on sale for the first time. God showed up, calmed my nerves and graciously spoke through me to reach others and I was so overwhelmingly blessed by the whole thing. It was an amazing day, filled with evidence of His presence. If you want to check it out, click here.

Freaked Out

So, last night was the first night Preston slept in his nursery. He went down at 11 and didn't wake again to eat until 3am! Since it was his first time sleeping more than arms length away, I had the baby monitor up nice and loud and woke up every hour, nervous that I may have missed something while sleeping. But at 3 am, he woke and I went to feed him.
After about 40 minutes of eating, he was ready to settle back down. I put him in his crib, swaddled him up, put the paci in his mouth and went back upstairs.
He was peaceful and quiet when I left but by the time I got upstairs, I could hear him grunting and groaning through the monitor. I got back in bed, hoping he would settle back down on his own. He did this forabout 30 minutes while I lay listening.
Suddenly, I heard a voice, faintly on the monitor reception. I immediately assumed I was picking up a cordless phone frequency and thought nothing of it, other than how annoying it was.
Preston got a little louder...still not crying but grunting a lot. Then I heard the voice say, "Shhhh, Shhhh, it's ok. You're with someone who loves you."
WHAT?! I shot up in bed and woke Jay, telling him what happened and made a mad dash downstairs. When I got to Preston's room, he was silently sleeping, all alone in his room (thank goodness!) and when i listened for the baby monitor again the grunting and calming voice was still happening.....long story short, my monitor was picking up a crystal clear signal from the baby monitor next door and that baby that had been fussing and keeping me awake wasn't even mine!!!
Relieved, I decided to sleep on the couch for the rest of the night and forgo the monitor...but it took me forever to get back to sleep because my adrenaline was through the roof from being so freaked out.

He's Here

Preston James Stock
9 pounds, 1 oz, 21.5 inches long
Born April 18, 2010 at 4:56pm and he's perfect in every way.

It's Not About You

I am really sad today about how people so easily throw in the towel on Christianity. My life is filled with individuals who at one point or another, passionately loved God but checked out as soon as things got boring, complicated or too difficult. For some reason, I've been burdened about this a lot this morning. I didn't sleep last night (because I'm too uncomfortable to) and I was looking forward to grabbing some rest this morning while Caden is at his friend's house but I can't shut my mind off. I can't stop thinking about God's heart and how it must break at the way His children view Him.
I think when people start thinking about God or even 'get saved' they fall into this false mentality that it's about them. That God was created for their happiness, pleasure and purposes when the opposite is true. God wasn't created for you. You were created for God...and by God.
This selfish type of Christianity is fueled by what we've made it. We use the words 'Personal Savior' when that doesn't appear anywhere in scripture. He's not your personal savior like your personal butler or your personal gardener who is ordered and directed to fit the needs of you and your household. He is God. He created the world and everything in it and He alone knows what everything and everyone is created for.
I'm realizing that salvation is very different than what most new Christians think that it is...and perhaps it is our fault for false advertising...but I think the misconception is what causes so many people to say 'yes' to God and then fizzle out quickly when it doesn't look or feel the way they thought it would.
I realize that there are plenty of happy people who don't love God. Being a Christian is not about the pursuit of happiness. Lots of things will make you happy...in fact, sometimes choosing God will make you uncomfortable, tense and persecuted. The promise of Christianity is not happiness and situational perfection...it is purpose.
Salvation is a choice that may or not feel good to make. So many people wait for a moment of heightened emotionalism in an appropriate church environment before accepting Christ and that moment becomes their 'Salvation moment'. We wait for that moment when it feels right...a movie-esque, emotional readiness...the problem is that when that 'feeling' fades away, so does the lifestyle. Salvation is recognizing that there is a God, believing that He came to earth as a human who took the blame for everything we have done, are doing or are going to do that separates us from who He is and then choosing to say, "You can have me, God...you have control over my stuff, my goals, my family, my future...You may or may not change the details of my life but if you do, it's OK with me because I trust you, love you and am so humbled by what you did for me that I am going to chose to live my life for you, regardless of what that means. Forgive me and make me better than I am. I'm excited about becoming the person you've created me to be."
This is not an easy choice. We live in a world driven by selfishness. We pursue money and status and anything that increases our pleasure and decreases our pain. That's why so many people choose not to live for God...why sell out to something when it doesn't guarantee that things will be great for me?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
And that's why it's a choice. You have every right to say, "No thanks, I'm good. I'm happy, I have success, money, friends, family and I love my life just the way it is." God has given you a thinking mind and the ability to chose Him or protect your assets. The bible explains that the end result of this kind of living is eternally separation from God = Hell. I, for one, am not terribly motivated by this. I don't chose God as a means of avoiding Hell. I honestly don't. It's not about where I end up...even though I know my soul is homesick for Heaven, my motivation to love God and raise my children to love him is not wrapped up in an intense fear of Hell. It's wrapped up in a love and trust for God as my Father. I can have everything this world has to offer but if He's not a part of it, it's useless and has no value. We get one life and one chance to be great...and since God's weakness is greater than my strongest moment, I want Him to be what I live for. Following God isn't about getting into Heaven, although it will be glorious to see Him face to face someday...it's about embracing what life is all about. Want to know what 'this' is all about? It's God! He made it, He orchestrated it, He formed it, He loves it and it's all for Him...and when we chose to say, "I believe there's a God but that's about as deep as it goes," we're missing out on the purpose of being alive...we are making God fit into our world instead of asking Him how we fit into His.
I know SO many people who once loved God but don't have time for Him anymore and I hate it. I hate what He has become in the lives of people who have tried other things and like them better. I hate how His heart must break at the rejection He receives from His own children...but I am realizing that it comes down to simply choosing...and a person can't be convinced to be a Christian based on false promises of a flawless future or scaring them into loving God by dangling Hell in front of their face. It's a choice that you make whether you feel it's the right moment or not. It's a daily choice to seek His face and do His work in the planet...to view your life differently than just to accumulate as much good as you can for yourself. It's about surrendering your right to have everything you want and accepting the fullness and purpose that comes from being everything He wants.
I'm probably rambling...I just really wish people saw God for who He is, not what He can do for them. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing you walk through life with the Creator of it. There's nothing better by which to define yourself because your job can come and go...your assets can go up in smoke...your family and friends can disappoint you...your body will age and deteriorate...your children will grow up and have lives of their own...the only one who is unchanging and can define your worth and your purpose is God, the Father.
I hope more people start to see how incredible He is and make the choice to come home.

In Case You Were Wondering...

The baby is not here yet.

Figuring Things Out

I like figuring things out. I like blacks and whites, rights and wrongs, can's and can't's.
The older I get and the more experiences I have, the more I realize how life is not a formula and that more grey and uncertainty abounds than I care to admit. In many cases, there is more than one right way to do something...and often times, what is right doesn't necessarily feel good, comfortable or very right at all.
I've had a few conversations lately that have helped me recognize the power of my language and the limitations it and my ideas of who I am have placed on who I can be...more importantly, on what God can do through me.
As part of my obsession with having things neatly figured out, I like to have a firm grasp on what it is that I as a person can and can't do. There is safety in sticking with what you're good at and leaving the rest to someone else.
I've very narrowly defined myself by steering clear of what scares me and embracing the things that I find easiest or most comfortable...
I say I can't play sports, even though I have never really tried or received any training or tips to get better.
I say I can't drive a stick shift because at one time, I stalled out. Instead of pressing through and learning how to do it, I told myself it wasn't meant to be.
I love singing and playing the piano on my own but am intimidated about doing so with a band for fear of not being good enough.
I often say how much better I am at writing than physically speaking my thoughts and shy away from opportunities to express anything of depth verbally.
I put myself in a box and throw God's power in there with me...instead of stepping out in faith, truly believing that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me.
Now, I'm not saying that I can excel at everything if I just try hard enough. I don't believe that I can be whatever I want to be. That may sound morbid and hopeless, but it's true. I do however believe that I can be whatever God has called me to be and that His calling may not necessarily fall in line with my limited definition of who I am.
I've met people on the other end of the spectrum. I remember working with a man who had 0 natural musical ability but believed that it was his area of expertise. He had no rhythm and was completely tone deaf but when asked what he felt God had gifted him to do he proudly replied, "Music is my gift".
Sometimes we can be so blinded by what we want that we miss what we're suppose to have...we settle for being mediocre in the area of our choice instead of surrendering our right to choose and embracing greatness in the area God has for us.
I also use to be one of those people who believed that God called people to very specific paths, locations, occupations...that He created a path for us called "GOD'S WILL" and that we needed to seek Him with such sensitivity as to not miss a single step. I don't believe that anymore.
I have become convinced that God could manipulate me like a marionette if he wanted but that He choses not to...and I believe that regardless of whether I am 'here' or 'there', I can be everything that He has called me to be...and that obstacles or open doors that lead me from point A to point B are just part of this life thing...and life can't be figured out. It unfolds and develops and takes unexpected turns but He walks along side as an intimate guide...he doesn't drag from the front or shove from the back.
All of this to say, I am excited about my future and scared to death of it. I'm uncertain about everything except God's presence and I guess that's how it should be...it allows me to define myself by nothing and no one but the one who created me. I am going to start to chose my language and my attitude about my life and my abilities much more carefully so as not to sabotage myself or my potential.
God and I are coming out of the box.

Good Friday

When I was 9, our church put together an Easter play. We practiced for weeks, my mom made costumes, we gathered props...I was so excited to be a part of it. My role? Middle curtain holder. That's right. We had assembled a hand held curtain which was a long piece of draping fabric, with three hockey sticks attached to it (how very Canadian, eh?) and three people walked the curtain out and blocked the public from seeing the scenery changes. I held the middle hockey stick...and I pretty much thought the production would not be able to happen without me. I took my job very seriously :)
The performance took place during the Good Friday service. When it was over, I went to the woman in charge and thanked her for letting me be a part of it. She laughed and said, "You're thanking me because you got to hold the curtain? Well, you're welcome!"
At the time, I couldn't figure out why she thought that was so funny, but I didn't think much about it.
After coming home, exhausted from my intense acting debut (sarcasm) I sat in my bedroom alone and thought about the production...and in the midst of my excitement and enthusiasm for having been a part of it, I began to cry. I specifically thought about the part of the production where the actors portrayed the scene of Jesus feeding the 5000...then I thought about what inevitably happened to him on the cross.
I remember that moment like it was yesterday...I was heart broken and guilt ridden about what Jesus went through, because he didn't deserve it. He was innocent. He was love.
I believe the story of feeding the 5000 stood out to me because it was a representation of how to do ministry God's way. That in the midst of the stress, demands, chaos and the hungry people waiting to be fed, Christ was nothing but patience and love. He physically showed us how to be his hands and feet AND attitude...he was perfection...the last person who deserved pain and rejection.
Every Good Friday since I was nine, I think about that...I know we aren't to live in a state of guilt and mourning...that doing so would negate the sacrifice that God so willingly made...but today, this day, is a day to remember in reverence the action that God took to show us the depth of his love for us. Today is a day to make the 'main thing' the main thing. It's a day to fall on our faces and say we're sorry and we're humbled and we graciously accept with unworthiness the sacrifice of love that this day represents. It's a day to stand in awe of who God is and what motivates Him to do what He does...His out-of-control love for you and me.

I'm Ready

Caden is ready for his little brother to meet him.
Daddy is ready to hold his second born son.
Mama is ready to see her newest little man and experience life with her entire family.
I sat in Preston's room today and prayed over his bed, for rest and protection. I prayed over his rocking chair, that the comfort, food and quality time he spends in it will bring him health, peace and happiness. I prayed that he be as perfect as humanity is capable of being...that he love God and be aware of Him his entire life...that he would be set apart...the same prayer I've been praying for his big brother, long before I ever saw his face.
Early in this pregnancy, there were moments when I mourned the loss of our family of three, where I worried about whether I could love another child the way I do Caden and I wondered how Caden would do with having a sibling around.
I was apprehensive about the changes down the road.
Now, I feel like we're not quite complete without Mr. Preston...we're all excited to see his face, to make memories with him, to hold him and know he's OK. What once felt like normal and comfortable, doesn't feel quite normal or right without him being here too.
So, anytime you're ready Preston, we're ready too. We love you already.

A Silly 4 Year Old

Pro-Life

I've been thinking about this term a lot today. I feel like I need to write about it and when that feeling arises, it's usually suppose to. I have no idea if this is meant for one person, one hundred or just for me to articulate my thoughts. Either way, here it goes.
I am pro-life. This doesn't just describe how I feel about abortion, as so many people apply the terminology, but I'll start there. I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. I believe that God has called us to protect young, fragile and innocent life, regardless of how inconvenient or ruthless it's coming about. I understand that this isn't a black and white subject...that the woman who utilizes abortion as a last resort form of 'birth control' and the young girl who was raped by a family member are in completely different situations when it comes to their position, their responsibility for conception and their emotional state. I hate that in a sinful, ugly world, women sometimes have their innocence stolen from them and that in the most heart breaking cases, a child is brought into a horrifying situation due to this injustice however, I have to stand and believe that this still doesn't give anyone of us the right to take a life. Could I ever look an abused, raped or incest victim in the face and judge her harshly? Never in my life. But I believe in God's ability to take that nightmare and transform it into a victory, a beautiful story of redemption and grace. I believe every child is capable of being a man or woman after God's own heart.
Being pregnant, I've often wondered what I would do if the doctor told me that my pregnancy was putting my life at risk. This is another area of grey when it comes to abortion. As a woman of faith, I believe in God's ability to overcome obstacles and perform miracles...I would find it difficult, near impossible, to terminate a pregnancy based on what a doctor said was imminent danger when God is so much bigger than medicine and disease but at the same time, I have been given a mind and heart to make decisions for the well-being of my family. I was watching a TLC special the other day about a woman who's rare type of pregnancy was killing her. After coming close to death, the pregnancy was terminated to save her life. I whispered a prayer for her. I can't imagine being in that position. This type of pregnancy termination is so situational...and so difficult...and so case specific. I honestly don't know what I would do. On one hand, I have a family that needs me...on the other, I could be carrying a miracle child who just needed time to prove the medical community wrong...I hope I never have to face a decision of that magnitude. I praise God that both my boys had/have been healthy pregnancies. I am burdened today for women who have faced tragedy within pregnancy. Such an event requires super-human strength to deal.
I have no rage, anger or hatred towards any woman who has made a decision to terminate a pregnancy. I believe that angry protests with disturbing imagery is not the way to tackle this problem in society. It just fuels the widely though public opinion that Christians are heartless and crazy. I instead mourn the loss of the innocent and pray whole heartedly that women who feel like they have no other option, would find another option and we will invest our money and resources into areas that help provide those alternate solutions (the local women's pregnancy center, adoption organizations, etc).
Those who have followed my political writings are aware that I wasn't the biggest George W. Bush fan in the world, but I have to publicly commend him on his stance and pro-activeness on the position of abortion. He made great strides in the ending of late term abortion, a ruthless practice and although I believe that politics is not souly in place to overturn Roe Vs. Wade, I hope someday it's illegal to kill unborn children in this country, the same as it is illegal to kill anyone else. So that's my pro-life stance when it comes to abortion.
I don't believe a person can rightfully call themselves 'pro-life' if they are for the death penalty. People who are against abortion but for the death penalty can rightfully call themselves 'anti-abortionists' but not 'pro-life'. Life is life. The life of the unborn and innocent and the life of the sinful man or woman. By saying we can decide which citizens are fit to live and die is far too much power for any judge or jury to have. This is an out-dated and barbaric establishment that needs to be thrown out. From a spiritual perspective, it negates a lot of what Jesus died for. Jesus came and lived a sinless life, taking on the sins of the world (the murderer, rapist, gossiper, adulterer etc.) and dying for them so that we wouldn't have to...so that in Him, we could be dramatically changed and healed of our transgressions, no matter how miniscule or gargantuan. It's amazing to me that an American court room would have put Saul to death before he had the opportunity to become Paul. Trust me, I don't say this lightly. If anyone sexually assaulted, purposefully injured or took the lives of my children, I would need God's strength and probably the restraint of several burly men to keep me from taking that person out with my bare hands. As humans, we are entitled to anger, redemption and justice. As Christians, we are called to be immeasurably more and to recognize what God can do to miraculously transform a monster into a disciple. We are called to lay down our right for revenge. God is the one who chooses who lives and who dies. Christians often take a stance on this when it comes to abortion and euthanasia, but not the death penalty. It's always blown me away that we're so passionate about saving one life but so eager to fry another. God can make a miracle of both the unwanted, inconvenient and undeserving.
Outside of the whole Jesus thing :), capital punishment has taken the lives of innocent people, killing them for crimes they did not commit. In Florida alone, a non-profit organization called the Innocence Project has proven the innocence of 7 people who were either sentenced to life in prison or the death penalty. I had the opportunity to meet one of these men who was awarded millions of dollars in 'we're sorry we took 25 years away from your life and almost killed you' money...no amount of money can buy back what he's lost in both time and emotional/ mental strain. Thank God he wasn't killed before his innocence was proven. Many have not been as lucky. Also, it costs 70% more for a person to be on death row than to complete a life sentence in a maximum security facility. Trends in death penalty cases also prove it to be racist, sexist and biased. Check out the stats and facts at Amnesty International's Web Page.
Jay and I often watch 'Lock Up'. On this show, they highlight different offenders and tell the back story of their lives. The majority have had hellish upbringings, abusive homes and overwhelming neglect. I don't condone law breaking or violent acts but after hearing where a lot of these people have come from and lived through, I wonder if I wouldn't be the same way had I not grown up in a loving, protective family. Being 'pro-life' means seeing the whole person and recognizing the sanctity of what God has made, not seeing the crime alone and declaring that person hopeless and worthless. Amazing Grace is for them too.
So I guess, to make a long story even longer, I am pro-life...meaning I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe that God is bigger than anything we have done, could do or will do and that through Him we can surrender 'our rights' and do 'the right thing.' I recognize that it's easy for me to sit here and write about this topic and sound self-righteous. I am not. Trust me. I have an overwhelming amount of empathy for women who find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy...and I could never look a woman in the face, whose husband has been murdered by a ruthless, unapologetic killer and condescendingly say, "You just need to love the criminal the way that Christ loves the church." I know that this is a near impossible feat, that outside of Christ it doesn't make sense and that if it were me, I would probably struggle my entire life to get through the hate but I know what I believe God has called us to do, as men and women after His own heart. His greatest commandment was not for us to end abortion or maintain the man-made rituals of the church or take a pro-active stance against homosexuality...it is to love. Love. With no limits and no restrictions. It's easy to love the cute, kind and deserving. He has called us to love every one.
I hope and pray that this resonated with somebody who is needing and ready to lay down their right of being exhaustingly angry, cripplingly self-centered and painfully confused and take on new found eyes and thankfulness for the sanctity of human life, without harsh judgement towards those who may see things a different way.
If you made it to the end of this, thanks for reading.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

I'm Back! (No pun intended)

Sorry I've been MIA for a week or so. Baby Preston has descended into my lower abdomen (otherwise known as 'dropping' but that sounds so violent to me...) and his new position is wreaking havoc on my lower spine. Sunday afternoon, I sat on my couch to watch an MSNBC special about Newfoundland and it's role in 9/11 (amazing story by the way) and afterwards, I couldn't walk without terrible pain. For the majority of this week, I've been laying down, hobbling from bathroom to bed to couch and back again, unable to sit upright in a chair. This all stems from an injury I suffered many years ago and due to Preston's low lying position, is rearing it's ugly head again. Nothing chiropractics and ARP therapy can't tackle once Preston's out. Until then, the goal is to stay comfortable, resting when possible, preparing for Preston's exit. Herniated disks make childbirth seem so much more excruciating. Oh well, he's worth it.
Caden was always uncomfortably high while I was pregnant, giving me horrible heartburn and never really 'dropping' at all. 3 weeks before his due date he made his appearance just the same. Preston is in a very different position and although his sudden descent has caused my heartburn and windedness to almost disappear, my lower back is taking the brunt of the force.
I have to thank everyone who has come to my aid this week, helping with Caden, fixing meals for us, giving me rides to the chiropractor and hospital, calling to check in, sending uplifting emails and facebook comments and playing the violin for me while I whine. You know who you are. Thanks SO much.
As of right now, I'm feeling MUCH better than I did at the start of the week. I'm still unable to sit upright for any length of time without having my walking compromised but as long as I avoid evil chairs, I'm able to function pretty well without much pain. Thank God!
I'm nervous about going out in public and having a flare up. I really don't know until I go from sitting to walking whether or not I'll be able to put one foot in front of the other but I think with a few more days of rest, I'll be doing great...as long as I don't do anything stupid like wash the floor on my hands and knees or move furniture around. Nesting is dangerous. Lesson learned.
In other news, Caden is amazing and super excited about being a big brother. Jay is experiencing some serious success in his new position at Gold's Gym. The owners of the company are thrilled with what he is bringing to the table and this month feels more natural and right than last month did. The hours are long and the work sometimes taxing, but he is doing an incredible job. Very proud of him.
My mom and sister are coming to visit in May. I can't wait. It's going to be amazing. We're also planning a nice, mini-vacation with Jason's parents for June which will be a much needed refresher for everyone. Caden is really looking forward to his family coming, although he's not impressed that 'Pop's gotta work'. Hopefully we'll see Pop sooner than later ;)
I'm mailing the final edits of my book to the publisher tomorrow. I would have sent it earlier this week but the whole being immobile thing made it difficult to focus on anything but walking erect successfully. I'm so humbled and excited about this opportunity and can't wait to start working on the next piece.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks for stopping by and catching up.

BabyWise

I'm a big fan of the BabyWise Series by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. When Caden was a toddler I was so conflicted about my parenting style, how I wanted to discipline, structure, educate...just about everything. I checked out many books, all of which didn't resonate with me...many of which contradicted themselves...but then I picked up ToddlerWise and I was hooked. I highly recommend this series to anyone and everyone who needs info about children. There's BabyWise (a Sleep Reference Guide), BabyWise (6-12 months I think...), ToddlerWise, Pre-schoolWise, ChildWise, ...you get the picture.
As soon as I found out Preston was coming I ordered the BabyWise books and am just now having the time to read through them. I'm excited about being more confident and equipped this time around. Poor Caden was kind of like my guinea pig but thankfully he's turning out to be a pretty awesome little man in spite of my inabilities and hopefully because of our guidance as well.
The one theme that really echos within me as being true and right in this series is the importance of a healthy marriage in the role of raising a child. If you're a single parent or divorced co-parents, this doesn't mean your children can't be healthy human beings. Single parents (in my opinion) are the strongest people on the planet. Some marriages are so toxic that (depending on the circumstances) parenting and functioning separately is what's best for everyone involved. What I'm referring to is that IF there are two parents in the home, functioning as a married couple, that unit has a profound effect on their children and the health of it is the best gift they can give their kids.
One of my favourite lessons in parenting came from Phil Harris when he spoke at genesischurch.tv a few years ago. He said, "There was an 'us' before there was a 'them'."
So often when a child comes into the picture, a couple's focus shifts from each other to their child. The family becomes child centered. This is almost always done unintentionally and innocently. After all, what's not to love about your child? The joy and hope and warmth they bring is indescribable. I remember when Jay and I brought Caden home, we were both filled with this newfound sense that the world was a much better place now that he was in it.
Often times, couples put their children before each other, thinking this is best for the child when in fact, it's detrimental to them. Childwise talks about a little girl who was having trouble sleeping through the night and staying in her own bed. Each day she was tended to by her stay-at-home mom and each evening when Dad got home, he focused completely on her, playing with her, reading to her...doing all of the things great Dads do. They were baffled as to why she was such an unhealthy sleeper. After meeting with the authors of this book and implementing a nightly 'couch time' (a time when the parents sit and talk, in full view of their child, but make it clear that it's 'their' time and they are not to be interrupted) she was sleeping peacefully, all night long. The parents were confused as to how these two things correlated but soon realized that in the middle of the night, when they were both trying to get their little girl to sleep, was the only time she saw them working together, being together, talking to each other...and she craved it.
Kids want to see their parents making each other a priority. Parents need to feel confident in saying, "Daddy will play with you in just a minute but first I want to spend time with Mommy." We think this may cause our child to feel rejected, when in actuality (whether they whine about it in the moment or not) they need it, they crave it, they feel safe when their parents are united, confident in their family unit being a strong one.
Jay and I make a point to go on dates and we make sure Caden knows what we're doing and why. When we get dressed up and call a sitter, he asks, "Are you going on a date?" Sometimes he'll say, "I wanna come!" but we gently remind him that dates are special time for Mommy and Daddy to be together alone. This doesn't have to be expensive. Sometimes we call someone who is willing to watch Caden for free and we sit outside of Starbucks and talk for hours. For less than 3 bucks, you can have a great date night out.
It's hilarious how my 4 year old is already excited about getting married. He knows that what we have is a good thing. We have family time and one on one time where Caden gets to spend quality time with just me or just Daddy, but date night is a major priority for the health of our marriage and the health of our boys. We want to model the kind of marriage we want them to have...After all, my job is not to raise a child...it's to raise an adult...it's to raise him to leave me, as much as that stings. If he's not capable of leaving home, confident in his ability to function in the world, unafraid of failing in order to succeed then someday finding a wife and treating her like a queen, we've done something wrong. How we model life, especially marriage, plays a huge part in his success later in life.
I'm blessed to have married a man who's mother and step-father modeled a loving relationship. Bob loves Cathy. Cathy loves Bob. It's beautiful to watch...they are best friends.
I was blessed to watch my mother be an exceptional wife and my father be an exceptional husband. Because of his example, I knew what to look for and because of hers, I learned how to reciprocate love.
A healthy marriage is the best gift a married couple can give to their kids. I pray first that above all else Caden and Preston love God and live for Him. I want this for them more than I want academic success, professional success, anything. Secondly, I want them to be amazing husbands some day...who will then become amazing fathers. I can't wait to see and meet their beautiful families.

At Last...

Life has slowed down to a comfortable walking pace. Last week was my final week working at the Episcopal Church and I must say, as much as I loved it, learned a ton and needed the money, I'm glad to be done. I think I spent most of last week out of breath...between training the new hire (who I had to find myself!), a billion errands, Caden's birthday party (he turned 4 on Thursday!), worship team, traveling several hours to attend and play at a wedding and the whole baby growing thing, I was flat out exhausted. Today marks the start of a few low key weeks before Mr. Preston arrives. MUCH needed down time.
I do have to spend some of that time getting his room ready. We've done nothing. Thankfully, Shea and Matt Tillery have SHOWERED us with baby stuff so we've got a lot of the things we need. I just need to get some nursery decor together and a few odds and ends to feel really ready. He'll be here before we know it!
I'm due April 16th but Caden showed up 2.5 weeks, early weighing in at 7 pounds after measuring small his whole pregnancy...this child is a bit larger so I wouldn't be opposed to having him at the beginning of April...but I'll wait 'til he's done cooking...not like I have choice! ;)
I need to do some reading to feel prepared for this labor, delivery and newborn thing. I know I've done it before, but it was a while ago and I'm assuming that like every pregnancy, every labor is different too. I'm sure a refresher wouldn't hurt.
I also have been sent the final online copy of my book! I need to go through it and edit anything that I feel needs changing and then it should begin printing. The book is due on the 15th of April...Preston is due on the 16th...crazy.
So I'll be using my new found quiet time to prep for Preston's arrival, play with Caden, feel sane and upkeep the blog, since I've been slacking in recent weeks.
My home, my life, my parenting, my brain...it's all starting to feel right again...I'm so overwhelmingly thankful for my life.

Brain Explosion

That's what best describes my brain in the midst of the chaos that is life these days.
I'm working less than 20 hours a week, trying to do a job that involves about 30-40 hours of work...this means I'm always taking stuff home, bringing Caden into the office after his nap and really stressed out about dropping the ball and forgetting the details.
I've enjoyed my time at the church but I'm ready to move on and not be torn in a billion different directions.
My beautiful and amazing friend Kris has graciously been not only taking care of Caden while I work in the mornings, but has been picking him up and dropping him off at my door. Amazing. Life would not be functioning right now without her.
Jay's new job better be worth the cash. That's all I'm saying about that...nah, I'll say some more.
He is the hardest worker I've ever known and no one puts more pressure on Jay than Jay. He's been working 9-8, everyday and lost two of his three sales people during his first week of work because they relocated/took new positions somewhere else. This has left him working every day of the week (weekends included) to reach goals and that doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon. I know there's no where he'd rather be than with us but I also know that he has a passionate drive to make sure we have everything we need. I have so much respect for him and I miss him.
The new schedule has been hard. I am once again affirmed in thinking that single parents are the strongest people in the world. It's been really hard to do this on my own, since Jay and Caden are only seeing each other about 45 minutes a day in the mornings before work. We pick him up at 8 each evening (which usually turns into 8:30 if there's an issue at the gym) and Caden falls asleep on the way back to the house. I'm thinking that he is needing to be in bed by 7:30 with his new found aversion to daytime napping but with our car-sharing, that's not a possibility right now. He's been acting out a good bit and copping a big time attitude with me and others he feels comfortable enough with to lash out at. I feel bad for the little guy...he's just trying to adjust to the new schedule but I'm also having to crack down pretty hard on the behavior. It's been exhausting to say the least. We use to pull a great 'good cop-bad cop' routine...but now I'm the only cop around most of the time. Each day I bring Jay to work, go to work, run around like a crazy person getting things done, rush home, deal with a tired and attitude-filled little boy, get him in the bed...by this time it's 2:30 and I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast. Not good for a pregnant lady...Me hungry! Me want food!
I am about 33 weeks pregnant and am feeling pretty good. I tested positive for gestational diabetes during my first screening but I think it may have been a false reading. I'm still waiting to hear the results from the second screening which I'm hoping is fine...no news is good news, right?
I'm excited to set up Preston's nursery next week!! Baby furniture is tucked into every corner of the living room and thanks to my amazing friend and the most generous soul ever, Shea Tillery, I will have a truck load (literally) of more baby stuff tomorrow that her precious son Ollie has grown out of. My handful of close friends are the most amazing a woman could ever ask for.
I hope this post isn't coming across as negative, because I gave negativity up for Lent :) but it is my current reality. The key is that in the midst of the craziness, chaos, attitudes, ups and downs, I chose to be the best person I can be and count my blessings, which are numerous. Somedays I succeed...other days I fail miserably...thankfully, there's grace on those days.
The house is a MESS so I am going to go nest-it-up a little bit and maximize the 'none-swollen-feet' hours of the day to get some work done.
Until next time...when I have something a bit more inspirational to say...

New Hair

I think I am experiencing some cutter's remorse...but it's only hair and it will grow back.

Turning the other cheek

“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” Matthew 5:39

I've heard this passage of scripture 1000 times before. I'll be honest, I haven't read it recently but for some reason, it flashed into my mind this morning as I lay in bed, awake and praying for a woman in my life. This person doesn't read my blog and isn't on my facebook so this is not some lame attempt to send a passage aggressive message to someone in a cryptic way. I don't believe in using public sites for such purposes.

I was praying for a woman I know who is very angry and bitter. A woman who believes herself to be a victim of all things. A woman who refuses to acknowledge that anything unhealthy in her life is her fault or her choice. I've been praying for this person for quite some time. I woke up this morning in the 6 o'clock hour with her on my mind. I began praying peace over her. I began praying that God would change her heart. Suddenly Matthew 5:39 flashed across my mind and I began to interpret that verse in a way I hadn't before.

This verse isn't Jesus telling us to be passive and meek in the face of adversity. It isn't him telling us not to fight or stick up for ourselves when being oppressed. It isn't him saying, "If someone literally hits you, stand there and let him hit you again."

I believe that one way this scripture can be viewed is of Jesus saying, "Chose your attitude."

If you get smacked in the cheek, you have every right to be hurt and angry. You can say that you are entitled to your pain and show everyone you meet how red that part of your face is. You can use your sore jaw as a reason to be ugly to people, to be self-centered, to be inwardly focused. You can rub your face and grow angrier and angrier every time you think of the person who did that to you. You can let the red, throbbing side of your face be the part that represents you....or.....you can turn the other cheek outward and let THAT side represent you.

In the midst of having every reason to be sad, angry, depressed and selfish, you can chose to literally put your best face forward. You can chose your attitude.

I think Jesus might have been saying, "When someone hurts you, show them the best sides of you...let them know they can't defeat you with their negativity and their abuse because you chose not to be defeated. Show them the good side even when they get on your bad side."

It was an interesting thought...not one that came from countless hours, dissecting the original scrolls or cross referencing historical facts but just an image and an idea that flashed into my head while I lay in bed in the morning, praying for someone who needed intercession.

A word of advice: Turn the other cheek...and be cautious of the people you see who embrace their right to have a busted jaw...they may be the ones swinging a left hook in your direction. Hurt people, hurt people. Don't be the one causing the pain.

Jesus Will Disappoint You

The following is taken from an article in Relevant Magazine:

"I’ve learned my disappointment is always tied to my imperfect projected expectations upon a perfectly loving God who doesn’t always behave as I would have Him. God is not our puppet, though we like to pretend He is. And when we come face to face with the reality that we are rarely in control of our lives and most certainly not in control of God, disappointment results. Disappointment that we can’t have things our way, in our timing. Jesus will disappoint all of us, but in time we will see our disappointing moments are also our most refining ones. They are the moments that birth hope and instill the necessary wisdom for a future we must face.
When we reduce Jesus to merely an insightful person but refuse to recognize Him as the all-knowing sovereign Creator of the world, we lose the privilege of really knowing Him. The words in 1 John set my heart at ease: “This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19-20).

God has no obligation, nor intention, to explain every happening He causes or allows in our lives. That doesn’t make Him any less loving or good. It makes Him a father. A father who, like I do regularly with my little girl, withholds explanations His children don’t need or won’t understand."

- Russ Masterson

Mom Town

Mom Town is a strange place. It can be thankless and lonely while being amazing and insanely rewarding. Somedays you feel like the President and other days you feel like the sewage worker...or the punching bag at the local gym. Nothing pays better or worse than the occupation of motherhood. The majority of what you do is unseen and unrecognized by human eyes but incredibly appreciated by anyone who comes in contact with you, whether they can put their finger on it or not.
The residents of Mom Town make an incredible difference to the planet everyday, even when they don't shower or leave their houses. The work they do is taxing in every way imaginable but they are more than glad to do it...in fact, they can't fathom not doing it. They can not clock out and they can not go anywhere else.
Mom town can be a bit of an obnoxious place from time to time. There are many residents who believe their methods of parenting are the best and they feel the need to give unsolicited advice CONSTANTLY, whether it's good or not. Whether they have one child or eight children, some residents of Mom Town act like they have PhD's when they've barely reached the first grade of motherhood. Other times they abuse their position and do not live up to their title. This brings everyone in the town down.
The residents of Mom town can be awesome for each other or detrimental to one another, depending on the day. This is due to the incredible amounts of estrogen and progesterone flowing through the aqueducts of the city. The most powerful and wonderful residents of Mom Town are the real and down to earth women who do their best, love their kids and can admit that they don't know everything. They have a sense of humor about themselves and a sense of empathy for each other. They make the city worth living in.
The residents of Mom Town take a special interest in the people of Pregnantville. In fact, a lot of the Mom Town ladies reside on the border of Pregnantville and Mom Town, several times throughout their lifetime. Pregnantville is a passionate and interesting place. The residents of Pregnantville have to put up with a lot during their stay. They receive the unsolicited advice of the Mom Towners while enduring the ignorant comments from the people of Mansboro and 'No-kids-yet' City. There is something in the water of Pregnantville that can make ones hair and skin look radiant while making them sick to their stomach at the same time. It's a fun place, a beautiful place, a place of miracles and destiny.
I've been twice and although I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, I don't think I'll return after this last trip :) Two times in Pregnantville is quite enough for me.
But Mom Town is somewhere I plan on staying forever. Even though there's no such thing as sleeping in or eating your food while it's warm, it's still the greatest place on earth.
It's everything I never knew I wanted and I'm so grateful to be here.

Success

We attended a different church last week. When people hear that they generally assume all kinds of things. What happened? Why are they leaving their church? I wonder why they don't like their old church anymore?
In reality, we just wanted to try something new for a sunday. We both felt the need to change the routine a little, experience something different, meet some new people. This was not done because the regular routine and old people arent enough. Truth is, I wish more people would step outside of the walls of their particular denomination or circles periodically and meet their neighbour down the street. In the New Testament, churches were divided mostly due to geography. Today, they are just divided. Take Tallahassee for example. There are 600+ churches in this town with a new one being planted every other day. I don't like the unwritten rule that we can't cross borders and see how our brothers and sisters in Christ are doing. I think I'm going to buck that system...Actually, I think I already am :)
It's amazing to me how experincing something new can greatly broaden your world view and give you fresh perspective, making you a better person. That's been my reality over the last few weeks and I love it. I love the feeling of revelation, growing, learning, changing. These things can't happen unless we're willing to take in all kinds of newness from day to day.
We're lucky to have a child that loves a good adventure so when we asked him if he wanted to go to a different church and meet new friends, he was all about it. When we arrived, they had a giant indoor play room so he was pretty much ready to sign the membership forms :) I was hoping he wouldn't break a commandment and start bowing in reverence towards the huge, red slide and luckily, he was able to focus on the bible lesson prior to playtime.
We enjoyed the service. The music was well balanced, well done and the people were friendly but not overtly friendly. It was a larger church so it was easy to sneak in and sneak out unnoticed, which is a good thing when you're shy and visiting but a bad thing when you're wanting to be connected. There were many different types of people. Jay and I were very touched by a hearing impaired woman who passionately signed words of praise heavenward. There was another man who literally danced and danced and danced throughout the entire praise set. The joy was thick and the passion was undeniable.
When the message began, the young preacher looked intriguingly towards the crowd and said, "How do you judge the success of a church?"
It was in that moment that I was entranced and knew that I was suppose to be there on that Sunday...because I realized that this was the question I had unknowingly been asking myself. Not only about my own church but about myself as a member of it...as a member of my community...as a member of my family...as a member of Heaven's roster. What does success look like?
He spoke of the division that took place in the garden of Eden...how in a split second and a wrong choice, we forever severed the perfect unity that existed between us and God, us and each other and us and the earth. Tigers weren't trying to tear Adam apart, Eve didn't secretly wish he was more than what he was...they weren't self conscious about how they looked...they didn't even know what nudity was! They didn't fear God or even think to hide anything from Him. All was in unity. All was perfect. But even in perfection, there was an opportunity to fail and fail they did. Suddenly, they hid themselves and became aware of so many things that kept them (and us) from ever fully engaging with one another. God then told them that childbirth would be excruciating and planting, building and maintaining the earth was going to be hard and painful for them.
We've read the story a hundred times but this was the first time I ever became aware of the following: The very purpose for which we were created was not meant to be easy for us. For Adam and Eve (and us), this not only meant reproducing and working the land but it meant relationships as well.
We were created to be in relationship. Even God doesn't exist outside of it. We were created to grow together, learn from one another, bare each other's burdens and walk through life together. Even the introvert needs another. We weren't just meant to be in community with God but with His children as well. It is dawning on me that this, relationship, the very thing we were created for, is not meant to be easy for us. It's meant to hurt! It's meant to make you sweat! It's meant to bring about momentary suffering and seasons of dry ground before giving birth to greatness.
The speaker tied this to the church's success by explaining that unlike big business, a church cannot be judged as successful by it's membership base or the amount of tithes it brings in. It can only be judged as successful by the depth of it's community and the connectivity people have with one another and God...the unity that is worked towards...the connection that was effortless and natural in the Garden of Eden which is now difficult, tiring, frustrating but purposeful.
I think this Sunday we are going to attend the church I have been working at. It should be a completely different experience than any I've had thus far and I'm excited to be open and available for the revelations God will show me there.
So to any and all that are concerned with my 'church hopping' you needn't be. I am instead taking in all that is around me in an effort to grow, mature and connect with people of other denominations who love and serve the same God that I do. I highly recommend it. If anything, it will make you better for when you return home.

Kathy and the Anglicans

Sounds like a rock group.
I have really been enjoying my position at the Episcopal church. I keep brainstorming ways that I can stay on while not having to put a new born in childcare. After all, with the cost of new born care in Tallahassee, I'd probably spend more on that then my paycheck would allow.
I've worked for churches in the past...as a paid employee and as an equally hard working volunteer...and it's been interesting to see first hand the workings of a completely different congregation and pastoral group.
The Rev. I work for reminds me a lot of my Father. He is deep but tells very dry jokes. He's tall and thin with a pleasant demeanor. He is painfully moral...example, he was stopped speeding the other day and not only openly confessed to speeding but immediately thanked the police officer, telling him that was just what he needed because his speed has been creeping up everyday. The cop obviously let him go with a warning...after all, who says that?!
He has a deep concern for people and puts relationship above anything else on his calendar. I know this because it's my job to keep his calendar. He takes every new-comer to lunch and lays aside the business/politics of the church if it means coming to the aid of an individual. Even though there are over 1200 consistent attending members, he makes himself available for them. It's personal.
The congregants are incredibly dedicated. They are high society, upper class, lawyers, doctors and politicians and they are widows, homeless men and children...all volunteer to serve food, work with the children, drive the elderly, fold bulletins, etc. They work as though their working for the Lord and they are not only thanked but respected by the ones who depend on them. They serve and are inspired to serve by the building up they receive from their leadership. They are also givers. In light of the devastation in Haiti, they have united and collected incredible amounts of money to benefit those struggling there. They tithe and support the workings of their church. It's a beautiful mutualistic relationship.
It's been humbling for me to see. In staff meeting on Tuesday I commended them on their structure, their volunteerism and the way they treat their congregants. I told them I was blessed by their heart for God. They may praise with the organ and wear collars instead of jeans but I am recognizing that there is a place for that. It isn't for nothing.
In more modern churches, it's easy to look at the traditional church as though it is outdated and out of touch with the living God...it's easy to say they are just going through the motions...it's easy to mistake their quiet reverence for a lack of passion or realness. Needless to say, this has been an eye opening experience for me. A wrap on the knuckles for times when I assumed that if someone belong to this church or that church then they weren't a 'real' Christian. I'm loving what I am experiencing there and I am deeply moved by it. It isn't better or worse than any other denomination that puts the emphasis on loving God and one another, it's just one of them and it's nice to see. I'm being reminded to make 'the main thing the main thing'...that we can chose to be divided by our interpretation of scripture or united by our mutual love for God.
I'm really glad to be there during the week. I'm learning a lot. I'm growing.

Accountability

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:1-2

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24

"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

The bible calls us to keep each other accountable. If you don't call yourself a Christian, then I won't challenge you to act like one....but if you do, and if I do, then we are called by God to speak loving truth into each other's lives and if necessary, set each other straight according to His word. This is a delicate process and should be approached with right intent and sensitivity.
Had God not mentioned the importance of accountability in His word, I probably would think it was a BAD idea, based on past experience. It rarely goes well, despite every effort I take to sugar coat, compliment and affirm my love and concern for the individual. Here's what I've learned:

- Some people just get older. What do I mean by this? Maturity is not reflected by the number of years a person has been alive but instead by what they have learned and applied during their time here. I've seen women twice my age, bash their husbands or ex-husbands openly on their facebook statuses with no awareness of how silly it makes them look. I've heard middle-aged men at Jason's gym act like complete morons in the presence of college girls, trying to impress them with their 'maturity' while acting like children. If you attempt to speak intelligent words into an immature persons life, don't expect them to act maturely about it. You can expect all kinds of reactions, but don't expect a 'thank you'. They aren't mature enough to recognize what you're doing or what your intentions are.

- Hurt people, hurt people. I am ever-so-cautious of people with a victim mentality. People with a victim mentality have been hurt, probably severely, and they hang onto their right to be miserable with both hands tightly clenched. They use their pain as an excuse for...well...just about everything. Un-forgiveness has eaten away at the person they once were and they don't like themselves very much anymore. They say that they've seen and experienced too much to be any other way, unable to grasp the fact that happiness is a choice. They have all kinds of physical ailments that have manifested from their emotional turmoil and they've known misery for SO long that they are scared to death of what life would look like should they stop feeling sorry for themselves. They indirectly hurt others and feel entitled to do so because of their own problems. They have become the center of their own world. If you try to hold someone like this accountable and lovingly correct some alarming patterns in their life, they will fire back with all the reasons why it's ok for them to be that way. They will make you feel guilty for bringing it up and they will add you to their list of oppressors. They will say you are 'judging' them and make you out to be a terrible person. You will become the punching bag for their misery for the time being, but you'll quickly be replaced by the person that didn't say 'hi' to them at the grocery store or the girl who teased them in the 7th grade. They always have to be upset with someone and when you attempt to keep them accountable, that person will be 'you'. Again, don't expect a 'thank you'.

- Matthew 7:6, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Jesus said this about giving sound advice to people who won't hear it. It's hard to determine whether you should say something at all, and I think that's between you and God and the person, but Jesus (of course) was super awesome to highlight this point. You can exhaust and frustrate yourself trying to help someone but sometimes, like in the situations highlighted above, they aren't ready or receptive to hear it. It doesn't make what you're saying less right, it's just falling on deaf ears...that are attached to quick mouths...that will tear you to pieces if you're not careful.

- I won't be like that. I have learned that I want nothing more than to be open and receptive to advice and counsel that will help me to become a better person. I don't ever want to miss an opportunity to grow. I don't ever want to explode on someone who loved me enough to be honest with me. I want to recognize care when I see it. I know from experience that it's not easy to approach someone, when you're so imperfect yourself, and attempt to keep them accountable. If a person sees sin in my life and is brave enough to take me aside and say, "I love you but you need to hear somethings that may be difficult to hear," I want to be mature enough to say, "Thank you! You must really care about me." I want to fully examine my life to see if their advice applies. I want to humble myself and be willing to say, "you're right, can you help me get there?" or "I don't know if what you're saying really applies to me but thank you for loving me enough to say it."

Accountability is a tough but necessary equation in Christian community. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I don't envy you :) It's one of those prime examples where doing the right thing can feel really, really wrong based on the reaction you receive but don't allow the reaction to define the action. If you see destructive sin in a friend's life and you approach them with love to correct them, you're doing exactly what God has called you to do. After that, the ball is in their court.

Amazing Grace

As one who's grown up in the church, I've heard this song a kazillion times. It enlists the emotions of many who have walked down troubled paths before receiving the forgiveness (from God and themselves) that lies in the arms of Jesus. I've always noticed that this song tends to speak mostly to the middle aged...I'm a people watcher, especially when leading worship (I know that's probably a bad habit) but I am so often blessed by the physical reactions, however subtle they may be, brought about by meaningfully singing God's praises.
In our church, there is a quiet, laid back man. I don't know him very well, but I know a little about his story. He has gone through some things, hurtful things, and has made some rough choices in his lifetime. I know that his memory holds images and events that he isn't proud of. He's one of those people that I believe I wouldn't recognize without Christ in his life. From what I've heard, he's a very different man now, and he, himself probably doesn't even understand the ways of the man he once was. Whenever we sing songs about deliverance and forgiveness and grace and love, I look at him. He's so quiet and shy, but through the darkened room I always know his hands will be raised heavenward.
I remember being a part of a bible study/cell group in which I mentioned that I've never really been tempted by a lot of physical sins. I didn't say this to exclaim my purity and perfection but I was quite embarrassed by the reaction I received from some individuals.
"Even Jesus was tempted, Kathy," one man said to me, indicating that I was pompous enough to think myself holier and stronger than Christ Himself. That, of course, was not what I was saying.
In Western Christianity, we have taken certain 'sins' and blown them out of the bible to be huge, shameful and unforgivable. Drinking (even though the bible gives no indication that having an alcoholic beverage is a sin) is one of them. We keep people from becoming members of the church if they smoke but allow those who abuse their bodies with food to the point of being morbidly obese to become pastors. We shun the homosexual but thoroughly enjoy our favourite television programs that are comprised of story lines highlighting the fun and excitement of pre-marital sex. We turn up our nose at curse words but have no problem passing along the latest gossip. We are outraged by the woman who has a baby before she's married and can't for the life of us imagine standing before God and the public to baptize or dedicate such a creature, forgetting that the baby is innocent and deserves to be celebrated like any other.
Yes, we've taken the word 'sin' and defined it as something you can see. Then, based on that definition, we've ranked the sins from 'worst' to 'not-so-bad' with homosexuality at the top, followed by drinking and so on and so forth.
Well here's the thing: I'm not gay, I actually waited 'til I was married to...well...you know, I don't drink (simply because I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol) and because of that I've never been drunk. I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship outside of my marriage, I've never smoked, etc, etc, etc.
So in the Christian community, it appears as though I have all my stuff together! Yippee!
The only problem is, I know that this isn't true....
The truth is, sins cannot be ranked or determined by action or substance. Sometimes, sin can be defined by an inability to act. A moment when one choses to turn a blind eye to poverty and need. A moment where someone puts themselves and their concerns before their neighbour. I'll be completely honest: I struggle with a sinful attitude, especially lately. I struggle with selfishness and complacency and laziness when it comes to God and His word. I struggle with putting myself before others, with being very concerned with what is fair and right for me and my family. I struggle with spending so much time and energy fighting the wrong fight that I sometimes don't have the strength left at the end of the day to fight the good one. I struggle with unforgiveness and sometimes, when I feel taken advantage of or like life's just not fair, I struggle with loving people. Lacking love is the only time that God highlights one sin as being worse than all the others. So where does that leave me? I'll tell you where it's left me lately: Frustrated and imprisoned by guilt.
For years I've seen grace as God's ability to forgive and forget the physical sins of one's past, a past I don't have. I can't remember life before God. I can't remember when I 'turned to Jesus' after, 'my time in the world'. That isn't my testimony and to be honest, most of my life I didn't think I had a testimony. My childhood church always had 'Testimony Time' in which people would stand up and describe the radical transformation they experienced with Jesus. They told heart breaking stories of tragedy and loss, of deliverance from the strong hold of SIN and how now, it's all better and forgotten. When I worked with a drug/alcohol rehab center in Greenville, SC, almost every man would stand up on graduation day and say, "When I got here I was tore up from the floor up, but God has changed me!"
I believe in God's ability to change a person. I vaguely remember my father before Christ and he is a different man now. I don't know the person Jay describes that he was before he chose to walk this course with God. I have seen God deliver. I have seen miracles take place...but somewhere along the line I told myself that was for other people and when I screw up, I need to feel guilty about it and somehow make it up to Him.
Last week, I was driving to work and I was listening to one of my worship team CDs. Jerad makes us CDs sometimes when we're unable to meet for practice and Caden always asks to listen to, "Mama's church music" in the car. I was alone and heading into the office when a version of, 'Amazing Grace' came on. This particular version has the traditional versus but a more modern chorus that says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains. Unending Love, Amazing Grace."
I felt like I stopped grinding my teeth for the first time in weeks. I felt tension ease from my muscles and new air come into my lungs. I had forgotten (by the grace of God) to put on mascara that morning and it's a good thing because I started crying, flat out bawling, in my car on North Monroe street. It hit me: Grace is for me too!
God has seen my ugly attitude, my poor spirit, my lack of love, my selfishness, my impatience, my unkind words, the ugliness of my humanity birthed from my fatigue and the circumstances in my life that I don't enjoy. He has seen me at my worst when no one knows the extent of it and he offers me the same grace he offers others. I can be freed from the guilt of it all. I can change and not be held captive by regret. I can bring MY mess to Him and we can start dealing with it.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I guess that's why they call that kind of grace, Amazing.

Introspective

I am in a very introspective time in my life where I am evaluating and actively thinking about EVERYTHING. From relationships to organized religion...from motherhood to politics...I find myself breaking the cover off of everything I am and thought I knew and realizing there is much, much, much to learn.
I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks which is very odd for me. In fact, this is probably the first time I've missed two weeks of church in a row since 2004. I'm not distancing myself from God...quite the opposite...I just think I need to take a break from church for a while to find God.
Not that He isn't there, but my Sunday routine has left me empty and void of Him and I need to, well, shake things up a bit.
Over the past year, I have been wrestling daily with who God is. What's His personality? If you read two different parts of scripture you can see two very different sides of God. But who is He? Is He the one I think I have a relationship with or is He so much more than that...I believe He's both.
What I'm determining is that we (God and I) do have a relationship that is real and lasting and deep, that was routed early in my childhood and grown as I have....but that He is also so much more than I can possibly fathom or know, more than I've been taught and more than I've made him out to be...and that sometimes, if not most of the time, I can say nothing but, "All I know is that you love me." I think that's a healthy way to be. People who act as though they have God figured out, scare me. Particularly those who have made Him into a science...I'm learning to steer clear of that...
I'm learning a lot about other people right now as well. Some of what I'm learning has been very disappointing. I'm mourning relationships that I thought were deep and real, but aren't. I'm also realizing that there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I didn't realize cared. When Caden and I were sick last week, I was blown away by the relationships I have. I didn't hear from people I thought I would and I was bombarded with offers to help, love and concern from people I didn't know loved me as much as they do...people who were willing to come into my germ infested home and serve my family because they knew we have no family in town and could probably use the help. People offering to wash clothes, drop off groceries, make dinner...It was an eye opening experience. Thank you to those of you who surprised me in a good way. You blessed my heart. These past few months I have learned that there are few, maybe a handful, maybe even just two or three people outside of your blood relatives that will remain your life long friends. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn...seeing the evidence of this can leave one feeling used and embarrassed...but recognizing that I have a few of those friendships that will outlast the test of time, makes me feel very, very blessed indeed. I wish we were all able to be in one place. Someday I suppose...
I'm also trying to make sense of my life, geographically. This is something Jay and I have been trying to figure out for a long time. In other words, Why are we here? Why Florida? Why Tallahassee? Most days I can't answer that question...We've been here for 4 years now. Wow. I feel the winds of change sweeping in...when? Who knows...
I'm also taking any second that I have alone to feel Preston moving in my belly. If all goes as planned, this will more than likely be my last pregnancy :) and I want to enjoy it...I feel like it is flying by though. With Caden, I knew exactly what point I was at along the gestational journey. This time, I have no clue! Someone asked me the other day how many months I am and I couldn't answer them. "Um, er...Well, I'm due in April!"
Being pregnant while having another child to focus on is completely different than being pregnant for the first time. When/If it is ever quiet, I try to sit alone and focus on me and Preston. I'm so excited to meet him.
I'm also trying not to live for the future but these days I can't help it. I am so excited for it. I'm excited for the coming months, to get the nursery ready, to welcome Preston to our family, to see Caden love on him, to be able to breathe in and enjoy my family the way it is meant to be. Caden is so excited to be a big brother. I'm overwhelmingly proud of him.
I am excited for my mom and sister to come visit me...two relationships I miss tremendously every single day. I am excited for life to be what it's suppose to be because I can't help but feel it's not there yet, although I'm trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy those moments when all is right with the world.
I don't know if any of this make sense but I guess it's not suppose to. If my thoughts are all over the place, it makes sense for my writings to follow suit.
Til next time...

Perspective

Caden and I have been very sick this week with a nasty stomach bug. Caden came down with it Friday night and I started with it on Monday afternoon. After much rest and lots of fluids, we are finally on the mend. He's 100% back to his old self again and I'm slowly but surely getting my strength back. Jay has been amazing through everything, putting us first and ensuring that we had everything we needed. I'm a blessed woman.
I've pretty much been in bed since Monday and had heard very little about the devastation in Haiti until today. After reading many articles and seeing the heart wrenching photos, I am burdened for them and ashamed for everything I've ever complained about. It is moments in history such as these that remind all of us how lucky we are.
I've often complained about the American Health care system because I have had the privilege of witnessing a stronger and more accessible one...and although I believe this is still an issue in and of itself, I look back over my week and shutter in complete humility and thankfulness for where I find myself. This is not a post about the health care bill, so if commenting please refrain from going there. This is a post about gaining perspective and acting on it.
When my son became dehydrated, we took him to a clean emergency room where he was given a sterilized IV and even a sticker to make his procedure more tolerable. When I was worried about my unborn child in the midst of this stomach virus, I was able to call a nurse and receive a prescription to help me rest better and recover faster. I have been able to lie in my comfortable bed, in my well insulated room with a bottle of gatorade and a cell phone by my side should I need to call someone for help. We have been able to wash our soiled clothes in steaming hot water in a washing machine, right inside of our apartment. We have had access to clean water. We not only have what we need but comforts that we want. I could go on and on but you get the picture...
We are blessed. We are blessed beyond measure...and I for one need to publicly declare how sorry I am for the things I've made important...the things I consider burdens that are simply hiccups in the road of life.
I have been trying to imagine feeling as sick as I have felt this week while living amongst the devastation in Haiti. Imagine being pregnant in that environment? Imagine being an asthmatic? Imagine having something as simple as an infected wisdom tooth or as devastating as cancer?
One of the photos I witnessed was of an elderly woman who has a serious head wound. She was lying in the dirt in a make shift clinic where panicked and outnumbered medical personnel were trying desperately to get from one victim to another. I could be one of them tonight. You could be one of them tonight.
Aside from being ill, imagine losing everyone you loved in a split second...waking up to a confusing and terrifying earth quake...watching the walls collapse and crush your spouse, your children, your family, your neighbours...Hell is not just some distant place with a Lake of Fire...it's right here and now...and this is one of those moments where God has called us to live out His will 'on earth as it is in Heaven.' We can bring Heaven to earth by responding to our brothers and sisters in Haiti, right now.
So in the midst of whatever it is you are facing, remember those people and what they are going through...and find a way to help.
You can donate by using you cell phone. Just text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross's Haiti Relief effort.
You can also donate $10 to The Salvation Army in the same manner by texting "HAITI" to 52000.
If you don't have text messaging, would like to give more than $10 or just prefer to donate online, click here Or here
By all means, pray...nothing is more powerful than that...but also act.