Amazing Grace

As one who's grown up in the church, I've heard this song a kazillion times. It enlists the emotions of many who have walked down troubled paths before receiving the forgiveness (from God and themselves) that lies in the arms of Jesus. I've always noticed that this song tends to speak mostly to the middle aged...I'm a people watcher, especially when leading worship (I know that's probably a bad habit) but I am so often blessed by the physical reactions, however subtle they may be, brought about by meaningfully singing God's praises.
In our church, there is a quiet, laid back man. I don't know him very well, but I know a little about his story. He has gone through some things, hurtful things, and has made some rough choices in his lifetime. I know that his memory holds images and events that he isn't proud of. He's one of those people that I believe I wouldn't recognize without Christ in his life. From what I've heard, he's a very different man now, and he, himself probably doesn't even understand the ways of the man he once was. Whenever we sing songs about deliverance and forgiveness and grace and love, I look at him. He's so quiet and shy, but through the darkened room I always know his hands will be raised heavenward.
I remember being a part of a bible study/cell group in which I mentioned that I've never really been tempted by a lot of physical sins. I didn't say this to exclaim my purity and perfection but I was quite embarrassed by the reaction I received from some individuals.
"Even Jesus was tempted, Kathy," one man said to me, indicating that I was pompous enough to think myself holier and stronger than Christ Himself. That, of course, was not what I was saying.
In Western Christianity, we have taken certain 'sins' and blown them out of the bible to be huge, shameful and unforgivable. Drinking (even though the bible gives no indication that having an alcoholic beverage is a sin) is one of them. We keep people from becoming members of the church if they smoke but allow those who abuse their bodies with food to the point of being morbidly obese to become pastors. We shun the homosexual but thoroughly enjoy our favourite television programs that are comprised of story lines highlighting the fun and excitement of pre-marital sex. We turn up our nose at curse words but have no problem passing along the latest gossip. We are outraged by the woman who has a baby before she's married and can't for the life of us imagine standing before God and the public to baptize or dedicate such a creature, forgetting that the baby is innocent and deserves to be celebrated like any other.
Yes, we've taken the word 'sin' and defined it as something you can see. Then, based on that definition, we've ranked the sins from 'worst' to 'not-so-bad' with homosexuality at the top, followed by drinking and so on and so forth.
Well here's the thing: I'm not gay, I actually waited 'til I was married to...well...you know, I don't drink (simply because I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol) and because of that I've never been drunk. I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship outside of my marriage, I've never smoked, etc, etc, etc.
So in the Christian community, it appears as though I have all my stuff together! Yippee!
The only problem is, I know that this isn't true....
The truth is, sins cannot be ranked or determined by action or substance. Sometimes, sin can be defined by an inability to act. A moment when one choses to turn a blind eye to poverty and need. A moment where someone puts themselves and their concerns before their neighbour. I'll be completely honest: I struggle with a sinful attitude, especially lately. I struggle with selfishness and complacency and laziness when it comes to God and His word. I struggle with putting myself before others, with being very concerned with what is fair and right for me and my family. I struggle with spending so much time and energy fighting the wrong fight that I sometimes don't have the strength left at the end of the day to fight the good one. I struggle with unforgiveness and sometimes, when I feel taken advantage of or like life's just not fair, I struggle with loving people. Lacking love is the only time that God highlights one sin as being worse than all the others. So where does that leave me? I'll tell you where it's left me lately: Frustrated and imprisoned by guilt.
For years I've seen grace as God's ability to forgive and forget the physical sins of one's past, a past I don't have. I can't remember life before God. I can't remember when I 'turned to Jesus' after, 'my time in the world'. That isn't my testimony and to be honest, most of my life I didn't think I had a testimony. My childhood church always had 'Testimony Time' in which people would stand up and describe the radical transformation they experienced with Jesus. They told heart breaking stories of tragedy and loss, of deliverance from the strong hold of SIN and how now, it's all better and forgotten. When I worked with a drug/alcohol rehab center in Greenville, SC, almost every man would stand up on graduation day and say, "When I got here I was tore up from the floor up, but God has changed me!"
I believe in God's ability to change a person. I vaguely remember my father before Christ and he is a different man now. I don't know the person Jay describes that he was before he chose to walk this course with God. I have seen God deliver. I have seen miracles take place...but somewhere along the line I told myself that was for other people and when I screw up, I need to feel guilty about it and somehow make it up to Him.
Last week, I was driving to work and I was listening to one of my worship team CDs. Jerad makes us CDs sometimes when we're unable to meet for practice and Caden always asks to listen to, "Mama's church music" in the car. I was alone and heading into the office when a version of, 'Amazing Grace' came on. This particular version has the traditional versus but a more modern chorus that says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains. Unending Love, Amazing Grace."
I felt like I stopped grinding my teeth for the first time in weeks. I felt tension ease from my muscles and new air come into my lungs. I had forgotten (by the grace of God) to put on mascara that morning and it's a good thing because I started crying, flat out bawling, in my car on North Monroe street. It hit me: Grace is for me too!
God has seen my ugly attitude, my poor spirit, my lack of love, my selfishness, my impatience, my unkind words, the ugliness of my humanity birthed from my fatigue and the circumstances in my life that I don't enjoy. He has seen me at my worst when no one knows the extent of it and he offers me the same grace he offers others. I can be freed from the guilt of it all. I can change and not be held captive by regret. I can bring MY mess to Him and we can start dealing with it.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I guess that's why they call that kind of grace, Amazing.