I'm very homesick right now...maybe it's because I realize how difficult it will be to travel home with two children...maybe it's because I know my annual trip next summer probably won't happen...maybe it's because I really miss cold weather...maybe it's because a part of me has never really left Newfoundland...
It's such a wonderful place. I wish everyone could have the chance to see it, breathe it in and experience it's wonder for themselves...I sometimes feel weird saying that I'm from Canada...Newfoundland is so different than the rest of the country.
I miss my parents. They are incredible grandparents...it feels wrong to have their grandbabies so far from them. I miss my friends there. I miss being able to speak in my dialect and not have people tell me I'm mumbling too quickly for them to understand me. I miss St. John's. I love that city. Such a unique blend of history and art, Irish/English/Newfoundland cultures converging, awesome music and downhome living. I miss scampers. I miss St. John's harbour, even when it smells. I miss hot tea being the norm after supper.
I miss the NTV evening news with Lynn Burry and Fred Hutton. I miss having the top story be, 'A moose was found wandering through a local cemetery in Mount Pearl this evening.'
I miss a simpler way of life...I miss it a lot today.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
It has begun...
I was hoping I would dodge the morning sickness (better referred to as the whenever-it-feels-like-flaring-up sickness) this time around but alas, I was sadly mistaken. Nauseousness has made it's way into my tummy, unpredictable and unforgiving. I am remembering in full detail what this was like the first time I went through it...brutally ill from week 7-12...vomiting daily...still having to function even though it feels like having the stomach flu for 1.5 months. Mother's truly are an amazing breed of person, if I do say so myself.
I am also remembering how viciously hungry a pregnant body becomes, completely out of the blue. I went to worship team practice this morning, forgetting to bring a snack/drink and had it not been for the crackers Tindl had in her purse, I think my body would have eaten itself. Thanks Tindl.
A weird combination of extreme hunger and extreme nausea with a heaping dose of exhaustion = the first trimester. I don't like to rush things, but I am excited for week 12 to come and go.
I am also remembering how viciously hungry a pregnant body becomes, completely out of the blue. I went to worship team practice this morning, forgetting to bring a snack/drink and had it not been for the crackers Tindl had in her purse, I think my body would have eaten itself. Thanks Tindl.
A weird combination of extreme hunger and extreme nausea with a heaping dose of exhaustion = the first trimester. I don't like to rush things, but I am excited for week 12 to come and go.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Story
If anyone has been around Jay and I long enough, they have probably heard that we were quite content with having an only child. Caden was a blessed surprise. On July 16, 2005, I found out I was pregnant. Although I was having symptoms, I didn't recognize them and it was a complete shock. I was one month shy of 22, had been married for just under two years and was absolutely terrified. I wasn't ready to be a mom and we had no way of predicting that Caden was everything we never knew we wanted.
Jay and I were both uneasy during my first pregnancy...we were anxious about having a baby and didn't really know what to expect. We panicked and moved from Tallahassee back to Charlotte, NC where Jay knew he'd be able to get his old job back to support me and the baby. I was in the process of getting a greencard so I couldn't work. We had a small group of close and amazing friends in Charlotte but things were from time to time quite lonely for me given that I couldn't work. When Caden finally came it was love at first sight. I took to babyhood much better than I thought I would. From time to time there were sleepless night and I was heckled a time or two by strangers in public for being a formula mom but all in all, baby days were precious and amazing.
Since having Caden, neither of us have expressed interest in having more kids. We love Caden and have been quite content with our little existence as a family of 3.
A little while ago, I started to experience some symptoms that I remembered from July, 2005. My mind started racing...I began to process what life would look like if there was another baby on the way. Could we afford it? Where would we live? It will be so hard to fly internationally with two children...Florida is SO far from Newfoundland...
As the days progressed, I told Jay what I was feeling. We both felt a bit anxious.
Monday morning we went to the gym and we were working out on side by side ellipticals. I just wasn't able to keep up...I felt so tired and worn out...I was sweating profusely after only 5 minutes and by the time 10 minutes were up, I just had to quit.
Jay asked, "Are you sick or are you SICK?" asking me if I thought I was just coming down with something or if this could be pregnancy related.
I said, "I don't know. All I know is I don't feel good."
Then Jay said something he has not said...ever. "I kind of hope you're pregnant."
Woah! What?! Where is this coming from.
He explained, "I think I can be a better husband than I was the first time you were pregnant and I think I can be a better father than I was when Caden was a baby...I'd love to have the opportunity to do it again."
Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am to be married to this man?
I told him that if I wasn't pregnant that maybe we should make a plan to have another baby and he agreed. It was the first time we had ever had a conversation about having more kids.
I went home, Caden took a nap and I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on with me. Was I or wasn't I. I had to know.
I took a test and it took longer to show results than it did back in July, 2005. Back then it worked in literally 3 seconds. This one took about 30 seconds and I figured it would say negative. I whispered a prayer about God knowing what's best and looked at it again. PREGNANT.
My heart started to beat out of my chest and suddenly I felt something I didn't think I'd feel in that moment: Excitement. I was excited! I was excited to tell Jay.
Caden woke up and we immediately went to the gym. I put Caden in the childcare room and paced in Jay's office while he finished up with a customer. It took six million years for him to finish but once he did, I gestured for him to come into his office, shut the door and looked at him with a goofy smile.
'What?' he said.
I just kept smiling. Suddenly he figured it out.
'Holy...' and with that he slapped his hand over his mouth. Bewildered, smiling, excited and shocked he exclaimed, "I gotta sell more memberships!"
We called all of our friends and family, got on facebook and publicly announced the news...many people who knew where we stood on having more kids preceded their celebration with, "Are you alright?" and when we said, 'Yes, we're excited' they immediately expressed their excitement too.
The age difference is perfect. The baby should be born mid-April (although Caden was two weeks early) and that puts them 4 years and one month apart. Caden is already so independent, he'll be an excellent helper. We haven't really told him because we want to make sure we get through the first trimester safe and sound before getting him pumped.
I went to A Women's Pregnancy Centre yesterday to get info on insurance and take another pregnancy test and I was a bit nervous...what if the first one was false? Should we have told everyone? But this time the lines were super clear. Two, bright, pink lines.
Thanks to everyone for the overwhelming support and congratulations. I love telling people and hearing how excited they are for us. It's such a blessing.
So here it goes...8 more months of growing a human...nauseousness may be just around the corner...weight gain is coming (of course, right when I'm only 7 pounds away from my goal weight!)...but we're so blessed to have this tiny miracle joining our already amazing family.
God protect us, keep us in the palm of your hand and prepare us for what's to come!
Jay and I were both uneasy during my first pregnancy...we were anxious about having a baby and didn't really know what to expect. We panicked and moved from Tallahassee back to Charlotte, NC where Jay knew he'd be able to get his old job back to support me and the baby. I was in the process of getting a greencard so I couldn't work. We had a small group of close and amazing friends in Charlotte but things were from time to time quite lonely for me given that I couldn't work. When Caden finally came it was love at first sight. I took to babyhood much better than I thought I would. From time to time there were sleepless night and I was heckled a time or two by strangers in public for being a formula mom but all in all, baby days were precious and amazing.
Since having Caden, neither of us have expressed interest in having more kids. We love Caden and have been quite content with our little existence as a family of 3.
A little while ago, I started to experience some symptoms that I remembered from July, 2005. My mind started racing...I began to process what life would look like if there was another baby on the way. Could we afford it? Where would we live? It will be so hard to fly internationally with two children...Florida is SO far from Newfoundland...
As the days progressed, I told Jay what I was feeling. We both felt a bit anxious.
Monday morning we went to the gym and we were working out on side by side ellipticals. I just wasn't able to keep up...I felt so tired and worn out...I was sweating profusely after only 5 minutes and by the time 10 minutes were up, I just had to quit.
Jay asked, "Are you sick or are you SICK?" asking me if I thought I was just coming down with something or if this could be pregnancy related.
I said, "I don't know. All I know is I don't feel good."
Then Jay said something he has not said...ever. "I kind of hope you're pregnant."
Woah! What?! Where is this coming from.
He explained, "I think I can be a better husband than I was the first time you were pregnant and I think I can be a better father than I was when Caden was a baby...I'd love to have the opportunity to do it again."
Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am to be married to this man?
I told him that if I wasn't pregnant that maybe we should make a plan to have another baby and he agreed. It was the first time we had ever had a conversation about having more kids.
I went home, Caden took a nap and I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on with me. Was I or wasn't I. I had to know.
I took a test and it took longer to show results than it did back in July, 2005. Back then it worked in literally 3 seconds. This one took about 30 seconds and I figured it would say negative. I whispered a prayer about God knowing what's best and looked at it again. PREGNANT.
My heart started to beat out of my chest and suddenly I felt something I didn't think I'd feel in that moment: Excitement. I was excited! I was excited to tell Jay.
Caden woke up and we immediately went to the gym. I put Caden in the childcare room and paced in Jay's office while he finished up with a customer. It took six million years for him to finish but once he did, I gestured for him to come into his office, shut the door and looked at him with a goofy smile.
'What?' he said.
I just kept smiling. Suddenly he figured it out.
'Holy...' and with that he slapped his hand over his mouth. Bewildered, smiling, excited and shocked he exclaimed, "I gotta sell more memberships!"
We called all of our friends and family, got on facebook and publicly announced the news...many people who knew where we stood on having more kids preceded their celebration with, "Are you alright?" and when we said, 'Yes, we're excited' they immediately expressed their excitement too.
The age difference is perfect. The baby should be born mid-April (although Caden was two weeks early) and that puts them 4 years and one month apart. Caden is already so independent, he'll be an excellent helper. We haven't really told him because we want to make sure we get through the first trimester safe and sound before getting him pumped.
I went to A Women's Pregnancy Centre yesterday to get info on insurance and take another pregnancy test and I was a bit nervous...what if the first one was false? Should we have told everyone? But this time the lines were super clear. Two, bright, pink lines.
Thanks to everyone for the overwhelming support and congratulations. I love telling people and hearing how excited they are for us. It's such a blessing.
So here it goes...8 more months of growing a human...nauseousness may be just around the corner...weight gain is coming (of course, right when I'm only 7 pounds away from my goal weight!)...but we're so blessed to have this tiny miracle joining our already amazing family.
God protect us, keep us in the palm of your hand and prepare us for what's to come!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Conversations with a Three Year Old
On the way home from church one morning when Caden was in trouble for pushing his friends:
Me: "Caden, we don't push people at church, we don't push people at the gym, we don't push people anywhere."
Caden: "Seriously?"
Me: "Yes, Seriously."
Caden: "Aw, man!"
One night I looked lovingly at my son and said...
Me: "Caden, I love you."
Caden: "Mama, I love Chuck E. Cheese."
While Caden was getting ready one morning last week:
Caden: "Mama, I want to wear a work out shirt, just like Daddy!"
Me: "Ok, buddy."
Caden: "I want to wear my back pack, just like Daddy."
Me: "You want to be just like Daddy?"
Caden: "Ya, I want to put my pants on standing up, just like Daddy!"
While I was driving, Caden was sitting in the back of the car:
Caden: "Mama, I don't feel good."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry buddy. Do you have a bad tummy?"
Caden: "Ya, I need some boy flowers to make me feel better."
Me: "Caden, we don't push people at church, we don't push people at the gym, we don't push people anywhere."
Caden: "Seriously?"
Me: "Yes, Seriously."
Caden: "Aw, man!"
One night I looked lovingly at my son and said...
Me: "Caden, I love you."
Caden: "Mama, I love Chuck E. Cheese."
While Caden was getting ready one morning last week:
Caden: "Mama, I want to wear a work out shirt, just like Daddy!"
Me: "Ok, buddy."
Caden: "I want to wear my back pack, just like Daddy."
Me: "You want to be just like Daddy?"
Caden: "Ya, I want to put my pants on standing up, just like Daddy!"
While I was driving, Caden was sitting in the back of the car:
Caden: "Mama, I don't feel good."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry buddy. Do you have a bad tummy?"
Caden: "Ya, I need some boy flowers to make me feel better."
Monday, August 10, 2009
Loving the Unlikeable
We've been having a bit of trouble with Caden being a bully. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he is taking out his 3.5 year old aggressions on any little person that looks at him the wrong way.
Sunday, he was a bit out of sorts because I had to lead worship and Jay had to work a booth at FSU fan day so Caden was at church bright and early at 7:15am and he was the last child picked up after the second service.
He had a rough morning, pushing and shoving, bullying several little ones in the church toddler room.
Wonderfully patient Ms. Jenn took him aside and said, "Caden, we don't push our friends," referring to those kids he had shoved around.
He looked at his victims angrily and replied, "They're not my friends."
All of Caden's life, we have referred to everyone around us (strangers or not) as 'friends'. It was an easier way of referring to someone when Caden hadn't yet grasped pro-nouns. As he's gotten older, I've become more apprehensive about using the word 'friend' as a vague label for every human being. After all, not everyone is his friend. In fact, few people on this planet will hold that title. He'll have many acquaintances, co-workers, colleagues...but few friends.
Obviously, just because Caden doesn't consider someone his friend, doesn't give him the right to shove them into a wall so he was disciplined big time for his antics. The rule: We only use our hands for hugs and high fives. That's what 'Yo Gabba Gabba' says anyway...but it got me thinking...
How do I teach a three and a half year old to biblically love people he just doesn't like?
Face it, we all have individuals in our lives that rub us the wrong way. In our church, our work place, our school, there may even be a family member that makes your skin crawl. How do we handle these situations? If our aim is to be Christ-like and follow God's greatest commandment to love Him and all of the people He has created, how do we do that practically when we just don't like some of them? Is it sinful to avoid eye contact with someone you don't have the energy to talk to? Is it wrong to cautiously keep people at arms length when your gut tells you they aren't to be trusted? Is it against God's will when you're super irritated by people? Did Jesus ever come across individuals that he didn't enjoy being around? I'm sure he LOVED them, but did he LIKE all of them?
What I'm learning (slowly but surely) is that God has not called us to be 'friends' with everyone. As a self-confessed people pleaser, I do not want to pass my fear of confrontation and easily-walked-on demeanor onto my child. I want him to embrace great relationships and to be brave enough to walk away from unhealthy ones even if drama occurs in the aftermath.
God's definition of love is this:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails..." - 1 Corintians 13:4-8
It is possible to love those we just don't like because 'love' and 'like' are two different thing. The world is filled with over 6 billion people with 6 billion personalities. We're not all going to be compatible. We all have different likes and dislikes, different views on politics, religion, current events, different senses of humour. We will all naturally gravitate towards some while we may not enjoy the company of others and I'm starting to realize that this is ok...in fact, it's healthy...as long as we are showing all people the 'love' that God describes in His word.
Nowhere in God's word does he call us to be everybody's friend...in a world where myspace has us ranking our 'TOP friends' and Facebook has us battling over 'who has the biggest 'friends' inventory', it's easy to forget what friendship really means.
When you encounter people you don't get a long with, I don't recommend shoving them into a wall...that's not loving in anyway, shape or form. ;) Since Caden is not required by God (or us) to be friends with everyone he meets, we are going to change the verbage to, "We don't push people because God wants us to be kind to everyone." Hopefully it'll take his little mind a while to find a rebuttal for that one.
I'm thankful for the friends that I have in my life. The people who know me and accept me regardless of my many flaws. The people I can laugh with and do life with...real people who are legit. Real friendship is worth it's weight in gold.
Sunday, he was a bit out of sorts because I had to lead worship and Jay had to work a booth at FSU fan day so Caden was at church bright and early at 7:15am and he was the last child picked up after the second service.
He had a rough morning, pushing and shoving, bullying several little ones in the church toddler room.
Wonderfully patient Ms. Jenn took him aside and said, "Caden, we don't push our friends," referring to those kids he had shoved around.
He looked at his victims angrily and replied, "They're not my friends."
All of Caden's life, we have referred to everyone around us (strangers or not) as 'friends'. It was an easier way of referring to someone when Caden hadn't yet grasped pro-nouns. As he's gotten older, I've become more apprehensive about using the word 'friend' as a vague label for every human being. After all, not everyone is his friend. In fact, few people on this planet will hold that title. He'll have many acquaintances, co-workers, colleagues...but few friends.
Obviously, just because Caden doesn't consider someone his friend, doesn't give him the right to shove them into a wall so he was disciplined big time for his antics. The rule: We only use our hands for hugs and high fives. That's what 'Yo Gabba Gabba' says anyway...but it got me thinking...
How do I teach a three and a half year old to biblically love people he just doesn't like?
Face it, we all have individuals in our lives that rub us the wrong way. In our church, our work place, our school, there may even be a family member that makes your skin crawl. How do we handle these situations? If our aim is to be Christ-like and follow God's greatest commandment to love Him and all of the people He has created, how do we do that practically when we just don't like some of them? Is it sinful to avoid eye contact with someone you don't have the energy to talk to? Is it wrong to cautiously keep people at arms length when your gut tells you they aren't to be trusted? Is it against God's will when you're super irritated by people? Did Jesus ever come across individuals that he didn't enjoy being around? I'm sure he LOVED them, but did he LIKE all of them?
What I'm learning (slowly but surely) is that God has not called us to be 'friends' with everyone. As a self-confessed people pleaser, I do not want to pass my fear of confrontation and easily-walked-on demeanor onto my child. I want him to embrace great relationships and to be brave enough to walk away from unhealthy ones even if drama occurs in the aftermath.
God's definition of love is this:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails..." - 1 Corintians 13:4-8
It is possible to love those we just don't like because 'love' and 'like' are two different thing. The world is filled with over 6 billion people with 6 billion personalities. We're not all going to be compatible. We all have different likes and dislikes, different views on politics, religion, current events, different senses of humour. We will all naturally gravitate towards some while we may not enjoy the company of others and I'm starting to realize that this is ok...in fact, it's healthy...as long as we are showing all people the 'love' that God describes in His word.
Nowhere in God's word does he call us to be everybody's friend...in a world where myspace has us ranking our 'TOP friends' and Facebook has us battling over 'who has the biggest 'friends' inventory', it's easy to forget what friendship really means.
When you encounter people you don't get a long with, I don't recommend shoving them into a wall...that's not loving in anyway, shape or form. ;) Since Caden is not required by God (or us) to be friends with everyone he meets, we are going to change the verbage to, "We don't push people because God wants us to be kind to everyone." Hopefully it'll take his little mind a while to find a rebuttal for that one.
I'm thankful for the friends that I have in my life. The people who know me and accept me regardless of my many flaws. The people I can laugh with and do life with...real people who are legit. Real friendship is worth it's weight in gold.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Happy Birthday Baby Evan!
Happy birthday to Evan who is one year old today!
Love, Uncle Jason, Aunt Kathy and Crazy Cousin Caden.
Love, Uncle Jason, Aunt Kathy and Crazy Cousin Caden.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
I AM HUMAN
Often times when I'm suppose to write about something, God will keep me up at night thinking about it. This is one of those nights. It's 2am and I couldn't rest until I got this down on paper...or screen...or whatever the new age term is for writing something. I wrote this as a testimony for the 'I Am Human' series at church but it ended up becoming quite lengthy so I decided to blog it instead. If they use it in church, great. If not, I hope it meets someone where they are. It was difficult to write about but I felt like I needed to put it out there. SO here it goes...
I was the fat kid in my class. I quickly grew into a fat teenager who was not only overweight but stood at about 5 feet and 8 inches tall in the 7th grade. On top of that, I had bad hair, thick, black glasses (not the trendy kind), a terrible complexion and about 50 excess pounds. I was not what one would consider 'cute'.
I was never the object of any boy's affection and I was always the last one picked in gym class. I wore over sized clothing to cover myself and used humour as a way of dealing with my insecurities. If people were going to laugh at me it was going to be because I was making the jokes, not because I was the butt of them.
After weighing myself one day, I decided that if I got contact lenses, fixed my hair and lost weight, all of my insecurities would disappear. So I did just that. I shed the ugly glasses, spent some extra time on my hair and makeup before school and began eating right and exercising everyday. Slowly but surely, the weight started to come off. People began commenting about how good I looked and although I knew I had lost weight, I didn't think I looked good at all. By the time I graduated high school, I looked like a different girl...the problem was, I didn't feel like a different girl. Outside, I was leaner and more attractive...inside, I was still the fat and awkward girl who forged notes to get out of gym class and had to be funny to be noticed.
As a poor college kid that played in a band, I ate out a lot so nutrition went out the window. My weight fluctuated up and down, but mostly up. The one thing that was consistent in my life was my insecurities. I thought that I was incredibly unattractive and I assumed that everyone around me felt the same way. I had a lot of guy friends who loved hanging out with me but would never in a million years consider dating me and honestly, I could blame them? Who would want me?
I began to think that maybe having a man in my life would make me feel better about myself. I dated a few guys that I didn't really have any interest in but those relationships didn't last longer than a few weeks. If anything, being with someone else made me feel less attractive and more insecure.
I began to pray every night for my husband. I was young but I had a deep seeded longing to share my life with someone. I prayed that God would prepare my heart for him and his heart for me...that God would somehow, miraculously, make me beautiful in his eyes when he saw me for the first time.
When I was 18, I came to North Carolina to work at a summer camp for inner city kids and I met a guy named Jason. To me, Jason was perfect. Handsome, mature, and talented. I immediately disqualified him as an option to date. Too perfect. About a week after we met, Jason asked me to go for a walk around the camp lake with him which in camp lingo means, "Do you want to go on a date with me?" I was immediately flooded with fear and confusion. Why would this incredibly attractive man want anything to do with me? Still, the more we talked, the more compatible we were and soon we were walking hand and hand around camp. I was so happy with him but I couldn't help but think that everyone was whispering, "What in the world is a guy like him doing with a girl like her?" In my head, we were physically an odd match and I feared that someday soon he would be interested in someone better.
Our relationship grew in spite of my fears and not too long after, Jason asked me to marry him. I knew that we were suppose to be together but I still couldn't understand his attraction to me. I remembered my prayers for a husband and believed in my heart that God had prepared him for me and me for him...I was just so scared that when he looked at me, he saw what I saw.
Marrying Jason was by far the best decision I have ever made. We've been married for almost six years and I love him more now than the day I married him but even marrying my best friend didn't change my horrible self image. If anything, it magnified it. I looked around me and saw beautiful, skinny, attractive women and I wondered if Jay would wake up one day and realize that I didn't look like them. My thoughts were flooded with horrible images of him falling for someone else, walking away from me. I allowed too many days to be overshadowed by an irrational fear of him leaving me for somebody else. Somebody prettier. Poor Jay. He has never been anything but uplifting and loving, constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how precious our marriage is to him but for some reason, I thought my inadequacies would ruin what we had.
There were times when these fears and thoughts became overwhelming. I remember one particular night when I was lying in bed, unable to sleep because I was thinking about all of the reasons why I am not good enough when I heard this voice in my head that said, "Where is this coming from?"
I thought about it for a while. My parents were always uplifting and encouraging. My friends were wonderful to me. My husband was constantly affirming my worth...it was then that I recognized the powerful grip that Satan had on my mentality. It was as though he was whispering in my ear all of the reasons why I am disgusting. He was planting seeds of doubt in my head because he wants my marriage to fail...he wants me to be obsessed with self-loathing so that I won't have time to fulfill God's calling on my life. He wants me to pass my insecurities down to my child. He was feeding the very thing that consumed my thoughts and robbed me so many times of my joy. In that moment, I anointed my room with prayer. I prayed over everything. The walls, the doors, the closet, the bed, the mirror...I prayed that God would cast out any hint of Satan's influence. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming sense of calmness and beautiful thoughts began flooding my mind. God created me exactly as I am. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He answered my prayers for a husband and blessed me with an incredible family that loves me for who I am, not who I could be if I lost a few pounds. I am a beautiful princess of the King. I had never felt more free than I did in that moment...
A few months ago, a friend of mine said jokingly, "Kathy doesn't even understand the word insecure."
I laughed nervously as to not be found out but the truth is, I know insecurity. I am the definition of it...but I am working through it with the power of the Holy Spirit. It's been a process but I am learning to thank God for who I am, every single part of me, whether it's flawed or not. I am defining myself through God's eyes, not comparing myself to everyone around me. No one and nothing on this earth can define who I am besides Christ alone and in Him I've never felt more beautiful.
I was the fat kid in my class. I quickly grew into a fat teenager who was not only overweight but stood at about 5 feet and 8 inches tall in the 7th grade. On top of that, I had bad hair, thick, black glasses (not the trendy kind), a terrible complexion and about 50 excess pounds. I was not what one would consider 'cute'.
I was never the object of any boy's affection and I was always the last one picked in gym class. I wore over sized clothing to cover myself and used humour as a way of dealing with my insecurities. If people were going to laugh at me it was going to be because I was making the jokes, not because I was the butt of them.
After weighing myself one day, I decided that if I got contact lenses, fixed my hair and lost weight, all of my insecurities would disappear. So I did just that. I shed the ugly glasses, spent some extra time on my hair and makeup before school and began eating right and exercising everyday. Slowly but surely, the weight started to come off. People began commenting about how good I looked and although I knew I had lost weight, I didn't think I looked good at all. By the time I graduated high school, I looked like a different girl...the problem was, I didn't feel like a different girl. Outside, I was leaner and more attractive...inside, I was still the fat and awkward girl who forged notes to get out of gym class and had to be funny to be noticed.
As a poor college kid that played in a band, I ate out a lot so nutrition went out the window. My weight fluctuated up and down, but mostly up. The one thing that was consistent in my life was my insecurities. I thought that I was incredibly unattractive and I assumed that everyone around me felt the same way. I had a lot of guy friends who loved hanging out with me but would never in a million years consider dating me and honestly, I could blame them? Who would want me?
I began to think that maybe having a man in my life would make me feel better about myself. I dated a few guys that I didn't really have any interest in but those relationships didn't last longer than a few weeks. If anything, being with someone else made me feel less attractive and more insecure.
I began to pray every night for my husband. I was young but I had a deep seeded longing to share my life with someone. I prayed that God would prepare my heart for him and his heart for me...that God would somehow, miraculously, make me beautiful in his eyes when he saw me for the first time.
When I was 18, I came to North Carolina to work at a summer camp for inner city kids and I met a guy named Jason. To me, Jason was perfect. Handsome, mature, and talented. I immediately disqualified him as an option to date. Too perfect. About a week after we met, Jason asked me to go for a walk around the camp lake with him which in camp lingo means, "Do you want to go on a date with me?" I was immediately flooded with fear and confusion. Why would this incredibly attractive man want anything to do with me? Still, the more we talked, the more compatible we were and soon we were walking hand and hand around camp. I was so happy with him but I couldn't help but think that everyone was whispering, "What in the world is a guy like him doing with a girl like her?" In my head, we were physically an odd match and I feared that someday soon he would be interested in someone better.
Our relationship grew in spite of my fears and not too long after, Jason asked me to marry him. I knew that we were suppose to be together but I still couldn't understand his attraction to me. I remembered my prayers for a husband and believed in my heart that God had prepared him for me and me for him...I was just so scared that when he looked at me, he saw what I saw.
Marrying Jason was by far the best decision I have ever made. We've been married for almost six years and I love him more now than the day I married him but even marrying my best friend didn't change my horrible self image. If anything, it magnified it. I looked around me and saw beautiful, skinny, attractive women and I wondered if Jay would wake up one day and realize that I didn't look like them. My thoughts were flooded with horrible images of him falling for someone else, walking away from me. I allowed too many days to be overshadowed by an irrational fear of him leaving me for somebody else. Somebody prettier. Poor Jay. He has never been anything but uplifting and loving, constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how precious our marriage is to him but for some reason, I thought my inadequacies would ruin what we had.
There were times when these fears and thoughts became overwhelming. I remember one particular night when I was lying in bed, unable to sleep because I was thinking about all of the reasons why I am not good enough when I heard this voice in my head that said, "Where is this coming from?"
I thought about it for a while. My parents were always uplifting and encouraging. My friends were wonderful to me. My husband was constantly affirming my worth...it was then that I recognized the powerful grip that Satan had on my mentality. It was as though he was whispering in my ear all of the reasons why I am disgusting. He was planting seeds of doubt in my head because he wants my marriage to fail...he wants me to be obsessed with self-loathing so that I won't have time to fulfill God's calling on my life. He wants me to pass my insecurities down to my child. He was feeding the very thing that consumed my thoughts and robbed me so many times of my joy. In that moment, I anointed my room with prayer. I prayed over everything. The walls, the doors, the closet, the bed, the mirror...I prayed that God would cast out any hint of Satan's influence. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming sense of calmness and beautiful thoughts began flooding my mind. God created me exactly as I am. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He answered my prayers for a husband and blessed me with an incredible family that loves me for who I am, not who I could be if I lost a few pounds. I am a beautiful princess of the King. I had never felt more free than I did in that moment...
A few months ago, a friend of mine said jokingly, "Kathy doesn't even understand the word insecure."
I laughed nervously as to not be found out but the truth is, I know insecurity. I am the definition of it...but I am working through it with the power of the Holy Spirit. It's been a process but I am learning to thank God for who I am, every single part of me, whether it's flawed or not. I am defining myself through God's eyes, not comparing myself to everyone around me. No one and nothing on this earth can define who I am besides Christ alone and in Him I've never felt more beautiful.
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