I AM HUMAN

Often times when I'm suppose to write about something, God will keep me up at night thinking about it. This is one of those nights. It's 2am and I couldn't rest until I got this down on paper...or screen...or whatever the new age term is for writing something. I wrote this as a testimony for the 'I Am Human' series at church but it ended up becoming quite lengthy so I decided to blog it instead. If they use it in church, great. If not, I hope it meets someone where they are. It was difficult to write about but I felt like I needed to put it out there. SO here it goes...

I was the fat kid in my class. I quickly grew into a fat teenager who was not only overweight but stood at about 5 feet and 8 inches tall in the 7th grade. On top of that, I had bad hair, thick, black glasses (not the trendy kind), a terrible complexion and about 50 excess pounds. I was not what one would consider 'cute'.

I was never the object of any boy's affection and I was always the last one picked in gym class. I wore over sized clothing to cover myself and used humour as a way of dealing with my insecurities. If people were going to laugh at me it was going to be because I was making the jokes, not because I was the butt of them.

After weighing myself one day, I decided that if I got contact lenses, fixed my hair and lost weight, all of my insecurities would disappear. So I did just that. I shed the ugly glasses, spent some extra time on my hair and makeup before school and began eating right and exercising everyday. Slowly but surely, the weight started to come off. People began commenting about how good I looked and although I knew I had lost weight, I didn't think I looked good at all. By the time I graduated high school, I looked like a different girl...the problem was, I didn't feel like a different girl. Outside, I was leaner and more attractive...inside, I was still the fat and awkward girl who forged notes to get out of gym class and had to be funny to be noticed.

As a poor college kid that played in a band, I ate out a lot so nutrition went out the window. My weight fluctuated up and down, but mostly up. The one thing that was consistent in my life was my insecurities. I thought that I was incredibly unattractive and I assumed that everyone around me felt the same way. I had a lot of guy friends who loved hanging out with me but would never in a million years consider dating me and honestly, I could blame them? Who would want me?

I began to think that maybe having a man in my life would make me feel better about myself. I dated a few guys that I didn't really have any interest in but those relationships didn't last longer than a few weeks. If anything, being with someone else made me feel less attractive and more insecure.

I began to pray every night for my husband. I was young but I had a deep seeded longing to share my life with someone. I prayed that God would prepare my heart for him and his heart for me...that God would somehow, miraculously, make me beautiful in his eyes when he saw me for the first time.

When I was 18, I came to North Carolina to work at a summer camp for inner city kids and I met a guy named Jason. To me, Jason was perfect. Handsome, mature, and talented. I immediately disqualified him as an option to date. Too perfect. About a week after we met, Jason asked me to go for a walk around the camp lake with him which in camp lingo means, "Do you want to go on a date with me?" I was immediately flooded with fear and confusion. Why would this incredibly attractive man want anything to do with me? Still, the more we talked, the more compatible we were and soon we were walking hand and hand around camp. I was so happy with him but I couldn't help but think that everyone was whispering, "What in the world is a guy like him doing with a girl like her?" In my head, we were physically an odd match and I feared that someday soon he would be interested in someone better.

Our relationship grew in spite of my fears and not too long after, Jason asked me to marry him. I knew that we were suppose to be together but I still couldn't understand his attraction to me. I remembered my prayers for a husband and believed in my heart that God had prepared him for me and me for him...I was just so scared that when he looked at me, he saw what I saw.

Marrying Jason was by far the best decision I have ever made. We've been married for almost six years and I love him more now than the day I married him but even marrying my best friend didn't change my horrible self image. If anything, it magnified it. I looked around me and saw beautiful, skinny, attractive women and I wondered if Jay would wake up one day and realize that I didn't look like them. My thoughts were flooded with horrible images of him falling for someone else, walking away from me. I allowed too many days to be overshadowed by an irrational fear of him leaving me for somebody else. Somebody prettier. Poor Jay. He has never been anything but uplifting and loving, constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how precious our marriage is to him but for some reason, I thought my inadequacies would ruin what we had.

There were times when these fears and thoughts became overwhelming. I remember one particular night when I was lying in bed, unable to sleep because I was thinking about all of the reasons why I am not good enough when I heard this voice in my head that said, "Where is this coming from?"

I thought about it for a while. My parents were always uplifting and encouraging. My friends were wonderful to me. My husband was constantly affirming my worth...it was then that I recognized the powerful grip that Satan had on my mentality. It was as though he was whispering in my ear all of the reasons why I am disgusting. He was planting seeds of doubt in my head because he wants my marriage to fail...he wants me to be obsessed with self-loathing so that I won't have time to fulfill God's calling on my life. He wants me to pass my insecurities down to my child. He was feeding the very thing that consumed my thoughts and robbed me so many times of my joy. In that moment, I anointed my room with prayer. I prayed over everything. The walls, the doors, the closet, the bed, the mirror...I prayed that God would cast out any hint of Satan's influence. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming sense of calmness and beautiful thoughts began flooding my mind. God created me exactly as I am. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He answered my prayers for a husband and blessed me with an incredible family that loves me for who I am, not who I could be if I lost a few pounds. I am a beautiful princess of the King. I had never felt more free than I did in that moment...

A few months ago, a friend of mine said jokingly, "Kathy doesn't even understand the word insecure."

I laughed nervously as to not be found out but the truth is, I know insecurity. I am the definition of it...but I am working through it with the power of the Holy Spirit. It's been a process but I am learning to thank God for who I am, every single part of me, whether it's flawed or not. I am defining myself through God's eyes, not comparing myself to everyone around me. No one and nothing on this earth can define who I am besides Christ alone and in Him I've never felt more beautiful.