Introspective

I am in a very introspective time in my life where I am evaluating and actively thinking about EVERYTHING. From relationships to organized religion...from motherhood to politics...I find myself breaking the cover off of everything I am and thought I knew and realizing there is much, much, much to learn.
I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks which is very odd for me. In fact, this is probably the first time I've missed two weeks of church in a row since 2004. I'm not distancing myself from God...quite the opposite...I just think I need to take a break from church for a while to find God.
Not that He isn't there, but my Sunday routine has left me empty and void of Him and I need to, well, shake things up a bit.
Over the past year, I have been wrestling daily with who God is. What's His personality? If you read two different parts of scripture you can see two very different sides of God. But who is He? Is He the one I think I have a relationship with or is He so much more than that...I believe He's both.
What I'm determining is that we (God and I) do have a relationship that is real and lasting and deep, that was routed early in my childhood and grown as I have....but that He is also so much more than I can possibly fathom or know, more than I've been taught and more than I've made him out to be...and that sometimes, if not most of the time, I can say nothing but, "All I know is that you love me." I think that's a healthy way to be. People who act as though they have God figured out, scare me. Particularly those who have made Him into a science...I'm learning to steer clear of that...
I'm learning a lot about other people right now as well. Some of what I'm learning has been very disappointing. I'm mourning relationships that I thought were deep and real, but aren't. I'm also realizing that there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I didn't realize cared. When Caden and I were sick last week, I was blown away by the relationships I have. I didn't hear from people I thought I would and I was bombarded with offers to help, love and concern from people I didn't know loved me as much as they do...people who were willing to come into my germ infested home and serve my family because they knew we have no family in town and could probably use the help. People offering to wash clothes, drop off groceries, make dinner...It was an eye opening experience. Thank you to those of you who surprised me in a good way. You blessed my heart. These past few months I have learned that there are few, maybe a handful, maybe even just two or three people outside of your blood relatives that will remain your life long friends. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn...seeing the evidence of this can leave one feeling used and embarrassed...but recognizing that I have a few of those friendships that will outlast the test of time, makes me feel very, very blessed indeed. I wish we were all able to be in one place. Someday I suppose...
I'm also trying to make sense of my life, geographically. This is something Jay and I have been trying to figure out for a long time. In other words, Why are we here? Why Florida? Why Tallahassee? Most days I can't answer that question...We've been here for 4 years now. Wow. I feel the winds of change sweeping in...when? Who knows...
I'm also taking any second that I have alone to feel Preston moving in my belly. If all goes as planned, this will more than likely be my last pregnancy :) and I want to enjoy it...I feel like it is flying by though. With Caden, I knew exactly what point I was at along the gestational journey. This time, I have no clue! Someone asked me the other day how many months I am and I couldn't answer them. "Um, er...Well, I'm due in April!"
Being pregnant while having another child to focus on is completely different than being pregnant for the first time. When/If it is ever quiet, I try to sit alone and focus on me and Preston. I'm so excited to meet him.
I'm also trying not to live for the future but these days I can't help it. I am so excited for it. I'm excited for the coming months, to get the nursery ready, to welcome Preston to our family, to see Caden love on him, to be able to breathe in and enjoy my family the way it is meant to be. Caden is so excited to be a big brother. I'm overwhelmingly proud of him.
I am excited for my mom and sister to come visit me...two relationships I miss tremendously every single day. I am excited for life to be what it's suppose to be because I can't help but feel it's not there yet, although I'm trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy those moments when all is right with the world.
I don't know if any of this make sense but I guess it's not suppose to. If my thoughts are all over the place, it makes sense for my writings to follow suit.
Til next time...