Figuring Things Out

I like figuring things out. I like blacks and whites, rights and wrongs, can's and can't's.
The older I get and the more experiences I have, the more I realize how life is not a formula and that more grey and uncertainty abounds than I care to admit. In many cases, there is more than one right way to do something...and often times, what is right doesn't necessarily feel good, comfortable or very right at all.
I've had a few conversations lately that have helped me recognize the power of my language and the limitations it and my ideas of who I am have placed on who I can be...more importantly, on what God can do through me.
As part of my obsession with having things neatly figured out, I like to have a firm grasp on what it is that I as a person can and can't do. There is safety in sticking with what you're good at and leaving the rest to someone else.
I've very narrowly defined myself by steering clear of what scares me and embracing the things that I find easiest or most comfortable...
I say I can't play sports, even though I have never really tried or received any training or tips to get better.
I say I can't drive a stick shift because at one time, I stalled out. Instead of pressing through and learning how to do it, I told myself it wasn't meant to be.
I love singing and playing the piano on my own but am intimidated about doing so with a band for fear of not being good enough.
I often say how much better I am at writing than physically speaking my thoughts and shy away from opportunities to express anything of depth verbally.
I put myself in a box and throw God's power in there with me...instead of stepping out in faith, truly believing that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me.
Now, I'm not saying that I can excel at everything if I just try hard enough. I don't believe that I can be whatever I want to be. That may sound morbid and hopeless, but it's true. I do however believe that I can be whatever God has called me to be and that His calling may not necessarily fall in line with my limited definition of who I am.
I've met people on the other end of the spectrum. I remember working with a man who had 0 natural musical ability but believed that it was his area of expertise. He had no rhythm and was completely tone deaf but when asked what he felt God had gifted him to do he proudly replied, "Music is my gift".
Sometimes we can be so blinded by what we want that we miss what we're suppose to have...we settle for being mediocre in the area of our choice instead of surrendering our right to choose and embracing greatness in the area God has for us.
I also use to be one of those people who believed that God called people to very specific paths, locations, occupations...that He created a path for us called "GOD'S WILL" and that we needed to seek Him with such sensitivity as to not miss a single step. I don't believe that anymore.
I have become convinced that God could manipulate me like a marionette if he wanted but that He choses not to...and I believe that regardless of whether I am 'here' or 'there', I can be everything that He has called me to be...and that obstacles or open doors that lead me from point A to point B are just part of this life thing...and life can't be figured out. It unfolds and develops and takes unexpected turns but He walks along side as an intimate guide...he doesn't drag from the front or shove from the back.
All of this to say, I am excited about my future and scared to death of it. I'm uncertain about everything except God's presence and I guess that's how it should be...it allows me to define myself by nothing and no one but the one who created me. I am going to start to chose my language and my attitude about my life and my abilities much more carefully so as not to sabotage myself or my potential.
God and I are coming out of the box.