I'm not quite sure where to start..I'm not even sure if I should be typing this publicly, but I guess being transparent via blog has become a trademark of mine and honesty it always the best policy.
I'm ecstatic about what God has done in areas of my life and am forever thankful for my family...but this evening, after speaking with several people we know and trust and taking a look at the cold, hard truth about our house, I'm left feeling deflated and tired. I am regretful that things probably won't turn out the way I had hoped they would and although we tried to avoid this by trying to sell the house almost a year ago, here we are, forced into a corner...or at least edging quickly towards a corner.
The truth is we could not have predicted this. I remember the visions I had when buying the house. I saw our son attending the little school down the street and I saw us eventually constructing a small apartment for my visiting family on the adjacent lot. Our intentions were good and pure. The American Dream...maybe that's the problem...when a Canadian tries to obtain an American dream, it explodes like tin foil in the microwave ;)
I remember thinking that we would be in this house forever because in my mind, that's what people do. You buy a home and live out your days there, but the hard truth is that even if we could maintain this, we are just not happy here. The traditionalist and proud part of me feels obligated to this place...as if the deed we signed were constructed of stone, but I know how ridiculous that sounds.
It would be one thing if we were just unhappy here and had the time to wait it out. Unfortunately, life has dramatically shifted within the Stock Family since we signed the deed on this house 21 months ago and in spite of our concentrated efforts, we may not be able to maintain this lifestyle, as humble as it is, much longer.
Even so, I'm proud of us. I'm proud of my husband. We've come so far in the past year, eliminating debts and creating a great life for Caden by working hard and making sacrifices. We're not alone in our plight, which is somewhat comforting. Misery loves company after all. There are many of us throughout this nation who have lost jobs, had salaries cut in half and own homes we are upside down in. The 'American Dream' is quickly turning into a nightmare for masses of us who are finding ourselves in predicaments we thought only other people had to deal with.
Still, Jay made the right decision leaving his retail position...the store where he worked is actually shutting down this month...we are blessed to have had God's hand on us throughout this entire thing and I am coming to grips with the fact that it may not pan out the way I envisioned but I trust in the process and the power of prayer.
I would however like Jesus to beam down from heaven in physical man-form like a Star Trek character and tell me exactly what to do in complete detail. I just want to do the right thing...unfortunately, some scenarios aren't etched in black and white.
I've been a bit panicky today, reviewing out options, talking through decisions with trust worthy professionals that need to be made ASAP...decisions that seem much bigger than my mind can comprehend...but I am thankful, incredibly thankful.
God has given me various means to earn some money doing things that I love and was built to do. God has given me more time with Caden, which I am unwilling to part with for right now and an incredible marriage filled with love and respect. If the Almighty never does another thing for me, I will praise Him until the end of days.
One thing this economic crisis has taught me is that money will not make my world go 'round and as my husband says frequently, "They can't eat us."
Loosing a house and dinging our credit for 7 years is by far the least of tragedies. There are parents whose children have been abducted, mother's whose babies are suffering with cancer, marriages that are falling apart, families in third world countries without running water or any type of shelter at all.
We are blessed. We are blessed. And to say otherwise would be completely untrue.
So, I swallow my pride and silence the negative and disapproving voices in my head in an effort to move forward and do what's best for the family...regardless of whether it's conventional or creative. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Before I am bombarded with emails, phone calls and comments, we are FINE! We're alive and kicking, laughing and loving, blessed abundantly. Sorry to type so cryptically but it is the world wide web ;)
It's just been a weird day for me, considering options and realities I never believed I would find myself in, but also getting excited about the future and realizing that just because God doesn't answer prayer in my time or in the manner I think He should, doesn't mean His hand isn't on this entire thing.
I will pray more and worry less.
I'll keep you posted ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment