I'm not quite sure how I can be bored yet extremely busy, lonely yet never alone, depressed yet living a dream, wanting more while being completely fulfilled. Being a stay at home mom in a foreign country has really opened my eyes to depending on God for EVERYTHING. For patience, for energy, for sanity...I love my Son to the max. I had no idea what motherhood would bring with it. I'm growing, I'm changing, I'm adapting and I'm stronger and better for it. Still there are days when I wonder why God saw me as fit to handle one of his own. Caden is a hand full, as most toddlers are. I'm not going to sit here and say he is any worse or better behaved than any other 2 year old, but with a temper the size of the state of Florida, a smart and sharp mind but no vocabulary (or desire to have one) to express what he wants, feels or needs, everyday is more than interesting.
I have never before experienced the range of emotions that come from being a stay at home mother. It is by far the hardest job I have ever had....and I use to work night shifts at a fish plant in Newfoundland...this is much harder, but I am thankful that at the end of the day I smell better now than I did then.
On any given day in the range of 5 seconds I can go from tearing my hair out in frustration to laughing hysterically in a tickle fight. It's bizarre.
I was telling Jay the other day that every bone in my body wants to be home with Caden, yet every bone in my body craves having something for me...a job that I can go to and dress up for and interact with other adults...a reason to get out of my black jogging pants and slap some make up on. Does that make sense? He didn't think so either :) How can someone literally want two things at once?
I am completely thankful for my life. I am blessed to have the ability to stay home. We always have what we need...and as I told my friend Stephanie the other day, it may come from Family Dollar or the Goodwill, but we always have what we need. And I'm that type of girl. I'm a simple, small town girl who doesn't need much material stuff to be happy. Most girls would fall over and die at what my closet has to offer...they wouldn't die happy mind you. Most of it came from the Goodwill, one shirt even turns my skin blue everytime I wear it...but I'm cool with that.
I am very thankful for my life, my family and my situation but I'm learning that most things in life come by sacrificing something else and what you get may or may not be the greenest side, but it's the piece of land you've chosen, regardless.
By staying home I get the satisfaction of knowing my son is focused on all day..being read to and played with and loved by the person who loves him most, moi. But I sacrifice alot of my individuality...a potential career, extra income, the ability to drive long distances without listening to the doodlebops. It can get tedious...but the experiences I have with Caden in the midst of poopy diapers and temper tantrums and dirty fingers all over my clean clothes when I'm about to go out the door, are priceless. This side is pretty darn green, even though it's hard as heck.
My husband has to work long hours, most days of the week either in the store or on the phone from home on his days off. I'm hoping there's a greener side for him someday. He deserves it. But hey, he has a job and he is awesome at it. Having worked with the homeless I can more than praise God for his skills, his drive and his job...even if it's retail.
I love our house. It's perfect for us. It's way the heck out in the middle of no where and one can feel very isolated out in the country with a youngin. But we're proud to own a piece of dirt...even if it's attached to a dirt road.
I love my church, my friends and the life we've made here...but it is far from loved ones who are missing out on Caden's childhood and that hurts daily. What I would give to have my family within the same nation as me. This is a scenerio in which I have to ask others to make sacrifices for themselves on our behalf...to love a grandson and nephew from a nation away and they've never made me feel guilty about it even though I know deep down they wish it wasn't so. Sacrifices.
On one hand we're a one income, lower level middle class, semi-immigrant family who work long hard hours, seeming never to get ahead.
On the other hand we are a husband, wife and beautiful child who are able to pay the bills and love eachother beyond measure. We are able to raise our child the way we choose in a nation where we're free to worship God and be together.
I guess it's all in how you look at it.
No comments:
Post a Comment