It's past midnight and for some reason, I feel like it's noon. I am wide awake and I can't even fathom going to sleep right now. Not sure why...
I guess I will take this time to keep you updated as to my coming's and going's. I'm still writing a book, watching a baby a few days a week, singing at the restaurant on the weekends, volunteering at church all the while being a wife and mother. I'm loving my life and am quite content. I'm being pushed, pulled and mauled spiritually and it's a wonderful (although at times painful and uncomfortable) place to be. I love how balanced my life is right now...I'm able to work and bring in some moula but still be with Caden the majority of the time and have dates with my husband. Caden is taking June and July off from school so we will be starting swimming lessons tomorrow! I'm excited. Should be cute.
We are going on month 4 of having a roommate and honestly, we love it. It's been a blessing to all of us...I can't speak for Amber, but she has blended in with our family more perfectly than any of us could have imagined. We're all very blessed to have her in our lives and in our home.
In the words of my husband: "Amber, she's a good egg."
Speaking of the husband, Jay is doing a phenomenal job in his new occupation and feels as though (at least for right now) he has found his 'thing'. I couldn't be more pleased for him or proud of him. The respect that I have for that man is unexplainable...I think he's a rock star...maybe that's weird or cheesy, but I can't help but look at him and wonder, "How in the world did I get so lucky?"
It's been weird not having him around as much because he's been working so diligently, everyday except for Sundays...and since I have church marathon for 5 hours on Sundays, we haven't been able to have a full, uninterrupted family day since he started...but I am taking the month of June off from church duties and soon we will all be heading to Newfoundland for a much needed family vacation.
Caden and I will be flying up together on June 12th. I'm excited, nervous and anxious to get that part of the journey over with. I have now learned that just because you have a plane ticket, doesn't guarantee you'll get to where you want to go...especially if you need to take three planes to get there. I am praying that my day looks exactly as it does on my travel itinerary, if not better.
I can't wait to get there. My mother calls daily to give me the count down and talk to Caden about all of the fun things they are going to do together. I swear, that 61 year old woman has more energy than I've ever had. They chat on the phone about how they are going to play, bake cookies, ride bike, visit goats...there's much on the agenda. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait. Did I mention, I can't wait?
Caden is a very smart, well behaved, hilarious, ENERGETIC, passionate, beautiful, caring, fun little boy. I couldn't ask for a sweeter kid. He truly is amazing. To anyone who said the 'three's' are worse than the 'two's' I couldn't disagree more. I LOVE this age. If only I had the ability to freeze time.
The house sale is chuggin along. We've got an excellent team of professionals backing us up and walking us through this process. I drove out to the house on Friday to take a look at things and was affirmed once again in the fact that as unfortunate as things turned out, we made the right choice. When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade...and our lemonade turned out pretty darn good.
Today's message at church was pretty fantasmo. It resonated with a lot of what I've been learning, grasping and needing lately...about how obedience isn't about getting it right all the time...it's about listening for and turning to God whether we've done something perfectly or messed it up royally. I'm feeling a lot of spiritual pressure coming off my shoulders...not because I suddenly feel justified in sin but because I am feeling less and less like I have to earn the grace and love and favour that I already have. It's liberating.
Well, it is almost 1:00am and although I am still very alert, I am going to try and go to bed...I have a baby girl coming in the morning and if I know Caden, he's going to want to play music with her all morning and I need to be well rested to endure all of that noise!
Until next time my friends...
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Results Are In:
I have a lot of 'sludge' in my gall bladder.
Gross.
Good news: It doesn't need to come out this second, and I got the diagnoses while insured so hopefully it won't be consider a pre-existing condition if it needs to come out down the road.
We'll know in the next couple of months whether it will need to come out. I've been told to avoid fatty foods altogether and that regardless my pain may get worse...not a fan of this diagnoses considering I'm going home in two weeks and I was planning on eating french fries with gravy, chocolate cake and mom's famous honey garlic ribs until my pants don't button...but I guess I'll have to enjoy all of those things in moderation.
Thanks for the prayers. I'll keep you posted.
In the mean time, my mother has given me the name, "Sludgy Guts"
Gross.
Good news: It doesn't need to come out this second, and I got the diagnoses while insured so hopefully it won't be consider a pre-existing condition if it needs to come out down the road.
We'll know in the next couple of months whether it will need to come out. I've been told to avoid fatty foods altogether and that regardless my pain may get worse...not a fan of this diagnoses considering I'm going home in two weeks and I was planning on eating french fries with gravy, chocolate cake and mom's famous honey garlic ribs until my pants don't button...but I guess I'll have to enjoy all of those things in moderation.
Thanks for the prayers. I'll keep you posted.
In the mean time, my mother has given me the name, "Sludgy Guts"
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Overwhelmed
WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG WINDED. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
Allow me to be honest:
I am coming out of a period of spiritual silence, confusion, doubt and overwhelming complacency. I believe it began when we moved into Tallahassee. Suddenly, I was not consumed with praying about being delivered from the house in Crawfordville. I wasn't lonely anymore. I stopped working at Datamaxx and stopped being wracked with guilt about never seeing Caden. I stopped praying about a writing opportunity because God supplied one for me. I started working at the restaurant, playing music and having a great time and I suddenly found myself in a sea of people who needed to hear about Christ and I for some reason had stopped talking to Him and didn't even see it happening. For the first time in a long time, I have a community of people that aren't Christians and I realized that I didn't know how to evangelize in the real world. I didn't know how to carry out the great commission. I knew how to lead believers in musical worship but outside of that, I have always felt pretty useless as a disciple...stumbling over my words (when I speak them, not write them) and not being able to answer basic questions about the God I claim to know so well.
One night at work I heard a woman who was eating with a friend, talking about how her father was a pastor and how she was raised in a Pentecostal church. She described the emotional chaos of the services she remembered as being B.S (she used different words) and several, angry F-words later, described how disgusted she was with the entire thing...with people who spoke in tongues on Sunday and cheated on their wives on Monday. How she got to see up close and personal how fake Christians are and believed because of their hypocrisy that the whole thing must be garbage.
What was my place in that situation? I thought about approaching her and telling her that God cannot be defined by human beings who are imperfect. I thought about apologizing for what she had experienced and assuring her that what she saw was not God's best for humanity and not God's will for us...then I envisioned the debate that would follow and I knew I wouldn't have the answers...I also knew it probably wasn't professional to walk up to a woman, eating her dinner and explain how I was eavesdropping on her conversation and I had some things I wanted to add.
Another evening I heard a man I work with say to another worker, "God's not real. If He was and if He was SO powerful, why can't He stop his children from killing each other?" Then he laughed at the ridiculousness of the thought of the Almighty.
Again, what should I do? What should I say? It wasn't my conversation, it wasn't my place to walk away from the piano and interject my beliefs and even if I did, would I last in that conversation? I wouldn't have the answers...I know God is just and righteous and loving but I have no idea why bad things happen to good people...I just trust that when bad things happen, they do so for a greater purpose because I know Him and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is good.
I have always been embarrassed by obnoxious Christians, who fight with vim and vigour to declare their rightness and everyone else's wrongness. Who use horrifically STUPID arguments to explain teachings like, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." and other ridiculous one liners that do immeasurable damage to their credibility and the gospel message.
Confused, embarrassed and unsure I began to wonder, "Do I believe this? Because if I did, would it be so hard to talk about it? Would I be so embarrassed to be grouped in with bible belt Christianity?"
I began to remember specific situations in which God has dramatically and radically answered prayer in my life. I remember moments when I was so overwhelmed by him that I was terrified, but in an awesome way. I don't know how to live without knowing He is present because His presence is my purpose...but what about all the other stuff? What about the bible and the people who wrote it? How can we be certain of it's accuracy? So much could have been lost in translation or opinion...
Worst of all, how can someone like me who has been a Christian my entire life be having these questions? I looked upon myself as weak and wavering. I questioned my ability to lead worship at church or minister to people when I was having so many doubts. Despite my doubt, an inability to walk away from it all lived in me. I can't walk away because I must pass the love of God onto Caden and that deep seeded need shows me that I do believe it or else I wouldn't care about raising him in a real, Christian faith. I realized that I had more questions than answers but I needed to figure out what was up in an effort to be a spiritual leader for my son. There is little I obsess about, but one thing that is ever present in my soul is a longing for Caden to know God. I want that for him, some days more than I even want it for myself...I know that's probably unhealthy but it's how I feel.
Suddenly, in the midst of my questions came fear. If God allows innocent children to be beaten, raped or abused...if God sees the starvation and AIDS epidemic in Africa...if God sees a drunk driver smash into and kill a family and does nothing to protect them, why would he answer my prayers for protection?
I became overwhelmed by the sins of humanity...by the thought that evil lurks all around me...as a girl who always thought, "At the end of the day, every one has good in them" I began to think "No one is good, no one is safe."
Sunday night, after I shut off the bedside lamp, I became FROZEN with fear. My heart was pounding, I couldn't move. I finally was able to wake Jay and I told him what I was feeling...he was confused, but supportive and prayed with me, told me funny stories and talked to me until I was able to shut my eyes and go to sleep.
The following morning I woke up and grabbed my Ipod to go to the gym. I found a book on tape that my friend Desmond had given me after a conversation we had about the modern day church. The book is called, "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell and after listening to it for only 20 minutes, my mind was BLOWN. I became crazy excited. The sorrow and guilt I felt from questioning gave birth to joy! The questions were not a lack of faith but instead the journey to a deeper one. The silence was giving birth to deeper faith, a more real faith, a place that was still anti-sin but still had all kinds of shades of grey in it...a complicated, yet comforting path.
I am beginning to see that a big part of my problem lies in the 'rights' and the 'wrongs'. I have made Christianity into a black and white subject. There were indisputable rights which you should do and believe then there are indisputable wrongs. I arrogantly proclaimed that people need not interpret the bible, they just need to read the literal text...but I failed to see that what is literal to me may not be literal to someone else so what I was instead saying was, "everyone just read it the way I do and we won't have a problem"....how arrogant is that!?
We SHOULD question, discuss, explore, look into the translations, engage in conversations about who God is and do so in a loving, respectful community.
I remember when a close friend of mine was questioning the Christian faith after being a Christian for many years. I was scared for them. I didn't want that person to rock the boat...I was scared to death of them hearing new findings and new information...of looking outside of what 'I' knew because to me, it was safe and comfortable...I spoke with a pastor about it and he told me, "If you believe Christ to be the truth and if they are looking for truth, they will find Him...so what are you so worried about? Let them search!"
That flooded into my head as I became that person..and I was relieved. I do believe Jesus to be truth based on experience. I believe it based on the transformation I have seen in the lives of people around me and I know I will believe it more deeply after the transformation I feel coming over myself. I'm excited about it, nervous about it, scared to death of it and I know I will encounter many people along the way who will be irritated by my search because they too do not want the boat rocked, but one thing I am not anymore is complacent about it. The dial tone of numbness is being awaken by the loud clanging of symbols. I no longer want to silence the chaos of questions in my head but engaged them. I don't want to be a stupid Christian...I want to be an effective Christ follower who is hazardous for the kingdom and I think I am one step closer to getting there.
I needed to share this...so that I can document this moment and so that I can share with anyone else who is just as confused as I am.
I believe the closer I get to God, the more questions I will have...and that's what will make my life more passionate, exciting and interesting. Seriously, it's blowing my mind.
Allow me to be honest:
I am coming out of a period of spiritual silence, confusion, doubt and overwhelming complacency. I believe it began when we moved into Tallahassee. Suddenly, I was not consumed with praying about being delivered from the house in Crawfordville. I wasn't lonely anymore. I stopped working at Datamaxx and stopped being wracked with guilt about never seeing Caden. I stopped praying about a writing opportunity because God supplied one for me. I started working at the restaurant, playing music and having a great time and I suddenly found myself in a sea of people who needed to hear about Christ and I for some reason had stopped talking to Him and didn't even see it happening. For the first time in a long time, I have a community of people that aren't Christians and I realized that I didn't know how to evangelize in the real world. I didn't know how to carry out the great commission. I knew how to lead believers in musical worship but outside of that, I have always felt pretty useless as a disciple...stumbling over my words (when I speak them, not write them) and not being able to answer basic questions about the God I claim to know so well.
One night at work I heard a woman who was eating with a friend, talking about how her father was a pastor and how she was raised in a Pentecostal church. She described the emotional chaos of the services she remembered as being B.S (she used different words) and several, angry F-words later, described how disgusted she was with the entire thing...with people who spoke in tongues on Sunday and cheated on their wives on Monday. How she got to see up close and personal how fake Christians are and believed because of their hypocrisy that the whole thing must be garbage.
What was my place in that situation? I thought about approaching her and telling her that God cannot be defined by human beings who are imperfect. I thought about apologizing for what she had experienced and assuring her that what she saw was not God's best for humanity and not God's will for us...then I envisioned the debate that would follow and I knew I wouldn't have the answers...I also knew it probably wasn't professional to walk up to a woman, eating her dinner and explain how I was eavesdropping on her conversation and I had some things I wanted to add.
Another evening I heard a man I work with say to another worker, "God's not real. If He was and if He was SO powerful, why can't He stop his children from killing each other?" Then he laughed at the ridiculousness of the thought of the Almighty.
Again, what should I do? What should I say? It wasn't my conversation, it wasn't my place to walk away from the piano and interject my beliefs and even if I did, would I last in that conversation? I wouldn't have the answers...I know God is just and righteous and loving but I have no idea why bad things happen to good people...I just trust that when bad things happen, they do so for a greater purpose because I know Him and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is good.
I have always been embarrassed by obnoxious Christians, who fight with vim and vigour to declare their rightness and everyone else's wrongness. Who use horrifically STUPID arguments to explain teachings like, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." and other ridiculous one liners that do immeasurable damage to their credibility and the gospel message.
Confused, embarrassed and unsure I began to wonder, "Do I believe this? Because if I did, would it be so hard to talk about it? Would I be so embarrassed to be grouped in with bible belt Christianity?"
I began to remember specific situations in which God has dramatically and radically answered prayer in my life. I remember moments when I was so overwhelmed by him that I was terrified, but in an awesome way. I don't know how to live without knowing He is present because His presence is my purpose...but what about all the other stuff? What about the bible and the people who wrote it? How can we be certain of it's accuracy? So much could have been lost in translation or opinion...
Worst of all, how can someone like me who has been a Christian my entire life be having these questions? I looked upon myself as weak and wavering. I questioned my ability to lead worship at church or minister to people when I was having so many doubts. Despite my doubt, an inability to walk away from it all lived in me. I can't walk away because I must pass the love of God onto Caden and that deep seeded need shows me that I do believe it or else I wouldn't care about raising him in a real, Christian faith. I realized that I had more questions than answers but I needed to figure out what was up in an effort to be a spiritual leader for my son. There is little I obsess about, but one thing that is ever present in my soul is a longing for Caden to know God. I want that for him, some days more than I even want it for myself...I know that's probably unhealthy but it's how I feel.
Suddenly, in the midst of my questions came fear. If God allows innocent children to be beaten, raped or abused...if God sees the starvation and AIDS epidemic in Africa...if God sees a drunk driver smash into and kill a family and does nothing to protect them, why would he answer my prayers for protection?
I became overwhelmed by the sins of humanity...by the thought that evil lurks all around me...as a girl who always thought, "At the end of the day, every one has good in them" I began to think "No one is good, no one is safe."
Sunday night, after I shut off the bedside lamp, I became FROZEN with fear. My heart was pounding, I couldn't move. I finally was able to wake Jay and I told him what I was feeling...he was confused, but supportive and prayed with me, told me funny stories and talked to me until I was able to shut my eyes and go to sleep.
The following morning I woke up and grabbed my Ipod to go to the gym. I found a book on tape that my friend Desmond had given me after a conversation we had about the modern day church. The book is called, "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell and after listening to it for only 20 minutes, my mind was BLOWN. I became crazy excited. The sorrow and guilt I felt from questioning gave birth to joy! The questions were not a lack of faith but instead the journey to a deeper one. The silence was giving birth to deeper faith, a more real faith, a place that was still anti-sin but still had all kinds of shades of grey in it...a complicated, yet comforting path.
I am beginning to see that a big part of my problem lies in the 'rights' and the 'wrongs'. I have made Christianity into a black and white subject. There were indisputable rights which you should do and believe then there are indisputable wrongs. I arrogantly proclaimed that people need not interpret the bible, they just need to read the literal text...but I failed to see that what is literal to me may not be literal to someone else so what I was instead saying was, "everyone just read it the way I do and we won't have a problem"....how arrogant is that!?
We SHOULD question, discuss, explore, look into the translations, engage in conversations about who God is and do so in a loving, respectful community.
I remember when a close friend of mine was questioning the Christian faith after being a Christian for many years. I was scared for them. I didn't want that person to rock the boat...I was scared to death of them hearing new findings and new information...of looking outside of what 'I' knew because to me, it was safe and comfortable...I spoke with a pastor about it and he told me, "If you believe Christ to be the truth and if they are looking for truth, they will find Him...so what are you so worried about? Let them search!"
That flooded into my head as I became that person..and I was relieved. I do believe Jesus to be truth based on experience. I believe it based on the transformation I have seen in the lives of people around me and I know I will believe it more deeply after the transformation I feel coming over myself. I'm excited about it, nervous about it, scared to death of it and I know I will encounter many people along the way who will be irritated by my search because they too do not want the boat rocked, but one thing I am not anymore is complacent about it. The dial tone of numbness is being awaken by the loud clanging of symbols. I no longer want to silence the chaos of questions in my head but engaged them. I don't want to be a stupid Christian...I want to be an effective Christ follower who is hazardous for the kingdom and I think I am one step closer to getting there.
I needed to share this...so that I can document this moment and so that I can share with anyone else who is just as confused as I am.
I believe the closer I get to God, the more questions I will have...and that's what will make my life more passionate, exciting and interesting. Seriously, it's blowing my mind.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Conversations with a Toddler prt 3
Driving while Caden looks out the car window:
Caden: "Look Mama, a rainbow!"
Me: "Wow. Who made that rainbow?"
Caden: "God and Jesus."
Me: "That's right"
Caden: "Thank you God!"
Me: "Aw, that's nice. Thanks God."
Caden: "Jesus is a girl"
Me: "Oh boy...."
At the gym this afternoon:
Caden: "Where's Daddy?"
Me: 'I think he's in a meeting."
Caden: "Mama, I want to punch somebody."
Today, playing in the living room:
Caden: "Mama, are you a lady?"
Me: "Yes, and you are a gentleman."
Caden: "I'm a gingerbread man?"
Caden: "Look Mama, a rainbow!"
Me: "Wow. Who made that rainbow?"
Caden: "God and Jesus."
Me: "That's right"
Caden: "Thank you God!"
Me: "Aw, that's nice. Thanks God."
Caden: "Jesus is a girl"
Me: "Oh boy...."
At the gym this afternoon:
Caden: "Where's Daddy?"
Me: 'I think he's in a meeting."
Caden: "Mama, I want to punch somebody."
Today, playing in the living room:
Caden: "Mama, are you a lady?"
Me: "Yes, and you are a gentleman."
Caden: "I'm a gingerbread man?"
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Right to Pain
I believe that God has laid it upon my heart to grant perspective to anyone who needs it. Or perhaps I am just getting really annoyed with the planet. I look around me and I see a world filled with people who have so much to be thankful for but cling relentlessly to their right to be miserable and angry. It saddens me. It saddens me more when God is blamed for the misery. How dare we blame God for our misfortunes? Have we not an ounce of spiritual maturity, humility or reverence for the only One who has the right to give AND take away?
At some point or another, every human being will experience pain. Pain does not prove the absence of God but instead the need for Him.
Relationship comes with pain. Friends will deceive you, people will disappoint you, wrongful people will set out to hurt you and those you love you will inevitably cause you some kind of pain whether it be intentional or unintentional. Illness will effect every person on the planet whether it be within their body or the body of someone they love. Accidents will happen, age will catch up to you and things will not always be so bright and beautiful...that's life.
Emotional turmoil is unavoidable and yes, you have every right to be angry about it. You have every right to throw a tantrum when you don't get your way, every right to resent the people who have wronged you even though it eats away at your soul while they sleep at night and you don't.
At some point, while you're wallowing in the hurt and despair you so rightfully cling to, you begin to be the one who does the damage. Hurt people, hurt people and they can't fully love others when they are toxic, focusing on their own misfortunes. I am ever so cautious when living life around those who are damaged and not seeking repair...after all, misery loves company...I don't want to join that party.
In the darkness of a world who's population becomes less relational and more entitled with each passing day, I am inspired by individuals who rise above hard times and shine brightly by choosing joy and I believe it comes down to selflessness. When a person surrenders their entitlement to anger in an effort to bless those around them, they are rising above themselves and living God's way and God not only sees that, He blesses it.
The right to anger and bitterness is not a right worth fighting for.
I hope I don't embarrass her, but I feel the need to tell a true story about my father's sister, Rose (commonly referred to as 'Aunt Rose' by my sister and I).
From the time I was about 12 until I turned 16, we all watched Aunt Rose's husband (Uncle Reg) deteriorate slowly from an incurable cancer.
It was a long, hard, brutal, drawn out battle and as a kid it was extremely difficult to watch him fade away like that. We were very close. I remember watching his wife (my aunt) Rose, as she cared for him. I remember her turning away from his hospital bed, looking out the window and crying for only a moment before regaining composure and turning back towards him, not wanting to add to his pain by letting him see hers.
I remember being amazed at what a pillar of strength she was. When he passed away, I remember sitting in the funeral home and watching her. I remember thinking how I wanted to be like her, strong and selfless, lacking self pity. In the midst of great tragedy, she chose joy. On the inside of Uncle Reg's casket the words 'Going Home' were written, with a picture of birds flying. I remember her not liking that at all and saying, "He's not going home, he's already there!" Her faith was astounding. She knew he was in a better, painless place and she was happier for him than she was sad for herself. It was incredible.
A few short months later, she received the news. She had cancer. This woman who had seen the ugly face of cancer take a life she loved now was being told she had it too. You would think this would do a person in, but not her. She came to live with us while she underwent chemotherapy. When her hair started to fall out, she went to the hairdresser and got it all shaved off. I remember her coming home with a bandanna on, ripping it off with a smile and saying, "Ta-da! What do you think of my new hair do!" Any woman knows that loosing her hair wouldn't be funny, but she had to make a choice between embracing self pity or joy and she chose the latter. She knew what she was up against and she new that hair wasn't worth crying about...so she chose to laugh about it.
Chemo was rough, I'm sure. I remember (from my perspective) what it was like for her to go through that, but she remained graceful and elegant. Needless to say, she kicked cancer's butt and is as beautiful a person today as she's ever been, married to a very lucky man and enjoying life with her children and grandchildren. I hope I have those genes in me.
Many of us will not have to face what she faced...every one's story is different but the choices we have to make about living life are kind of the same. Choose joy. Pity is comfortable but it's also miserable and it will destroy every good thing you've got going for you. Joy can reverse the damage and it doesn't just happen, it's chosen.
Instead of blaming God for your problems, turn to Him for the super human joy needed to get through them. He is good, life is not, at least not always.
We are not puppets to God...we are not marionettes, manipulated by strings that dangle from Heaven. We are his children to whom he has given guidelines for living (the bible) and the promise of purpose, not happiness.
Happiness is a choice that is completely up to us.
At some point or another, every human being will experience pain. Pain does not prove the absence of God but instead the need for Him.
Relationship comes with pain. Friends will deceive you, people will disappoint you, wrongful people will set out to hurt you and those you love you will inevitably cause you some kind of pain whether it be intentional or unintentional. Illness will effect every person on the planet whether it be within their body or the body of someone they love. Accidents will happen, age will catch up to you and things will not always be so bright and beautiful...that's life.
Emotional turmoil is unavoidable and yes, you have every right to be angry about it. You have every right to throw a tantrum when you don't get your way, every right to resent the people who have wronged you even though it eats away at your soul while they sleep at night and you don't.
At some point, while you're wallowing in the hurt and despair you so rightfully cling to, you begin to be the one who does the damage. Hurt people, hurt people and they can't fully love others when they are toxic, focusing on their own misfortunes. I am ever so cautious when living life around those who are damaged and not seeking repair...after all, misery loves company...I don't want to join that party.
In the darkness of a world who's population becomes less relational and more entitled with each passing day, I am inspired by individuals who rise above hard times and shine brightly by choosing joy and I believe it comes down to selflessness. When a person surrenders their entitlement to anger in an effort to bless those around them, they are rising above themselves and living God's way and God not only sees that, He blesses it.
The right to anger and bitterness is not a right worth fighting for.
I hope I don't embarrass her, but I feel the need to tell a true story about my father's sister, Rose (commonly referred to as 'Aunt Rose' by my sister and I).
From the time I was about 12 until I turned 16, we all watched Aunt Rose's husband (Uncle Reg) deteriorate slowly from an incurable cancer.
It was a long, hard, brutal, drawn out battle and as a kid it was extremely difficult to watch him fade away like that. We were very close. I remember watching his wife (my aunt) Rose, as she cared for him. I remember her turning away from his hospital bed, looking out the window and crying for only a moment before regaining composure and turning back towards him, not wanting to add to his pain by letting him see hers.
I remember being amazed at what a pillar of strength she was. When he passed away, I remember sitting in the funeral home and watching her. I remember thinking how I wanted to be like her, strong and selfless, lacking self pity. In the midst of great tragedy, she chose joy. On the inside of Uncle Reg's casket the words 'Going Home' were written, with a picture of birds flying. I remember her not liking that at all and saying, "He's not going home, he's already there!" Her faith was astounding. She knew he was in a better, painless place and she was happier for him than she was sad for herself. It was incredible.
A few short months later, she received the news. She had cancer. This woman who had seen the ugly face of cancer take a life she loved now was being told she had it too. You would think this would do a person in, but not her. She came to live with us while she underwent chemotherapy. When her hair started to fall out, she went to the hairdresser and got it all shaved off. I remember her coming home with a bandanna on, ripping it off with a smile and saying, "Ta-da! What do you think of my new hair do!" Any woman knows that loosing her hair wouldn't be funny, but she had to make a choice between embracing self pity or joy and she chose the latter. She knew what she was up against and she new that hair wasn't worth crying about...so she chose to laugh about it.
Chemo was rough, I'm sure. I remember (from my perspective) what it was like for her to go through that, but she remained graceful and elegant. Needless to say, she kicked cancer's butt and is as beautiful a person today as she's ever been, married to a very lucky man and enjoying life with her children and grandchildren. I hope I have those genes in me.
Many of us will not have to face what she faced...every one's story is different but the choices we have to make about living life are kind of the same. Choose joy. Pity is comfortable but it's also miserable and it will destroy every good thing you've got going for you. Joy can reverse the damage and it doesn't just happen, it's chosen.
Instead of blaming God for your problems, turn to Him for the super human joy needed to get through them. He is good, life is not, at least not always.
We are not puppets to God...we are not marionettes, manipulated by strings that dangle from Heaven. We are his children to whom he has given guidelines for living (the bible) and the promise of purpose, not happiness.
Happiness is a choice that is completely up to us.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Le Cirque!
We had a super fun evening with our friends Micah and Abby at Harry's Restaurant and Cirque du Soleil. Harry's was FREE due to the video contest winnings (thanks again for voting!) so I totally ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. Yummy filet mignon.
After dinner we headed to le Cirque and it was amazing...I felt crazy out of shape watching these insanely fit people shimmy up poles and ropes like it was nothing and flipping from trapeze's 40 feet in the air. It was almost unbelievable.
All in all, an incredible evening. I am going to write my contact at the local newspaper and ask if she would like me to write an article highlighting the event (since the contest I won was technically through the paper) and I figure it's worth a shot!
Had a great time. A super great time.
I Do Not Have a Kidney Infection
That's the only thing I know for sure at this point.
Thank you Urgent Care for informing me of this, making me wait 3 hours and charging me $115.00.
Let me back up....
I've been having some issues with my innards for a few months. Discomfort, bathroom problems, random pains, gas like a 18 wheeler...sorry, I have to be honest...and since I don't have health insurance, I did not seek medical assistance and hoped it would go away.
Today, I have a constant, aching pain under my right shoulder blade and some tummy issues that are commonly related to gall bladder problems. I've quizzed a lot of my gall bladder-less friends (the majority of which had their gall bladders removed when their child was 3...go figure) and although every one's symptoms are slightly different, mine sound awfully similar to all of them and so I decided it was time to get it checked.
Saturday I was pretty uncomfortable so since both Jay and Amber were home, I figured it was as good a time as any to go the Dr. I chose an urgent care since they would bill me later and wouldn't cost as much as the emergency room. Jay brought me in while Amber held down the fort and 3 hours later I was told (after only a urine test) that I did not have a UTI or kidney infection (which I didn't think I had anyway) that my pain was probably caused by nothing and in his brilliant opinion, "I can get you a Cat Scan but it won't show anything and it'll cost you $5000.00."
Thanks Dr. Helpful.
I came home ANGRY and still hurting. He did ask me if I wanted anything for pain but I turned him down. I hate medicated myself. Pain is an indicator that something is wrong and if something is wrong I want to know about it.
I called my primary care Dr. yesterday and explained everything that's been happening since March and she told me to come in. She took a great deal of time with me, told me she thought it was my gall bladder but insisted that the only way we could know for sure would be to have an ultrasound. She found out that the cost would be $175.00 which I could make payments on. I can live with that.
She also discounted my office visit and I ended up paying less for my uninsured office visit than I would have for my insurance co-pay. I love good people.
The ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday. They offered to get me in this week but I gave myself some time to find out insurance options. If it is my gall bladder, the ultrasound will prove my pain to be a 'pre-existing condition' and any surgery or treatment I need later (whether I get insurance or not) would not be covered. I'm hoping I can get a cheap, temp policy between now and next week. We'll see...
So there is my saga. If she rules out the gall bladder I'm going to assume that my pain is caused from my back/rib that keeps popping out of place and the muscles associated with it and I will never see another dr. besides my precious Chiropractor ever again. *Hmph*
In better news, TONIGHT IS CIRQUE DE SOLEIL! So excited about yummy dinner at a fancy pants restaurant, being front and centre for an amazing show and the new dress I bought for $9.99. I'm going to swing by Country Dollar and grab some jewelery for $2.00 then I'll be all set!
Dress: $9.99
Accessories: $2.00
Dinner for four and Cirque De Soleil: FREE
Awesome night out with great friends: Priceless
Thank you Urgent Care for informing me of this, making me wait 3 hours and charging me $115.00.
Let me back up....
I've been having some issues with my innards for a few months. Discomfort, bathroom problems, random pains, gas like a 18 wheeler...sorry, I have to be honest...and since I don't have health insurance, I did not seek medical assistance and hoped it would go away.
Today, I have a constant, aching pain under my right shoulder blade and some tummy issues that are commonly related to gall bladder problems. I've quizzed a lot of my gall bladder-less friends (the majority of which had their gall bladders removed when their child was 3...go figure) and although every one's symptoms are slightly different, mine sound awfully similar to all of them and so I decided it was time to get it checked.
Saturday I was pretty uncomfortable so since both Jay and Amber were home, I figured it was as good a time as any to go the Dr. I chose an urgent care since they would bill me later and wouldn't cost as much as the emergency room. Jay brought me in while Amber held down the fort and 3 hours later I was told (after only a urine test) that I did not have a UTI or kidney infection (which I didn't think I had anyway) that my pain was probably caused by nothing and in his brilliant opinion, "I can get you a Cat Scan but it won't show anything and it'll cost you $5000.00."
Thanks Dr. Helpful.
I came home ANGRY and still hurting. He did ask me if I wanted anything for pain but I turned him down. I hate medicated myself. Pain is an indicator that something is wrong and if something is wrong I want to know about it.
I called my primary care Dr. yesterday and explained everything that's been happening since March and she told me to come in. She took a great deal of time with me, told me she thought it was my gall bladder but insisted that the only way we could know for sure would be to have an ultrasound. She found out that the cost would be $175.00 which I could make payments on. I can live with that.
She also discounted my office visit and I ended up paying less for my uninsured office visit than I would have for my insurance co-pay. I love good people.
The ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday. They offered to get me in this week but I gave myself some time to find out insurance options. If it is my gall bladder, the ultrasound will prove my pain to be a 'pre-existing condition' and any surgery or treatment I need later (whether I get insurance or not) would not be covered. I'm hoping I can get a cheap, temp policy between now and next week. We'll see...
So there is my saga. If she rules out the gall bladder I'm going to assume that my pain is caused from my back/rib that keeps popping out of place and the muscles associated with it and I will never see another dr. besides my precious Chiropractor ever again. *Hmph*
In better news, TONIGHT IS CIRQUE DE SOLEIL! So excited about yummy dinner at a fancy pants restaurant, being front and centre for an amazing show and the new dress I bought for $9.99. I'm going to swing by Country Dollar and grab some jewelery for $2.00 then I'll be all set!
Dress: $9.99
Accessories: $2.00
Dinner for four and Cirque De Soleil: FREE
Awesome night out with great friends: Priceless
Monday, May 11, 2009
Random Recent Things Learned or Re-Learned:
-Having a Tan makes me feel better
-Owning a husky during moulting season is not for the faint of heart
-Happiness is a choice, not dumb luck
-Urgent care centers are pretty much useless
-God can use me in spite of myself
-Having a three year old is amazing and I wish I could freeze time
-My body is falling apart and my ribs pop out of place frequently for no reason
-I love swimming
-Hurt people, hurt people...whether they realize they are doing it or not
-I have TMJ
-I find facebook therapeutic
-Never try to ice a cake that just came out of the oven
-Loosing weight is hard...especially when I bake cakes or cookies daily
-Natural peanut butter is awesome and I can't imagine going back to the old stuff
-I'm terrible about brushing my child's teeth...in fact, he often reminds me to do it
-Bitter and angry people are venomous...especially to people they love
-I hate working out
-I strangely enjoy the show, 'Sid, The Science Kid' and wish life was like that
-I have a lot of friends but few Friends and that's exactly how it should be
-I am ridiculously excited about going to Cirque De Soleil this Wednesday
-I am not excited about my son going to school in 2 years...*sigh*
-Sometimes, I'm wrong...and sometimes, so are you. The truth hurts.
-My husband is amazing..there are no words to describe how much I love and respect him
-I can eat desserts for meals and it's OK...sometimes being an adult is awesome
-I believe everyone should have a filter because somethings are better left unsaid
-I would prefer disposable clothing over laundry
-Owning a husky during moulting season is not for the faint of heart
-Happiness is a choice, not dumb luck
-Urgent care centers are pretty much useless
-God can use me in spite of myself
-Having a three year old is amazing and I wish I could freeze time
-My body is falling apart and my ribs pop out of place frequently for no reason
-I love swimming
-Hurt people, hurt people...whether they realize they are doing it or not
-I have TMJ
-I find facebook therapeutic
-Never try to ice a cake that just came out of the oven
-Loosing weight is hard...especially when I bake cakes or cookies daily
-Natural peanut butter is awesome and I can't imagine going back to the old stuff
-I'm terrible about brushing my child's teeth...in fact, he often reminds me to do it
-Bitter and angry people are venomous...especially to people they love
-I hate working out
-I strangely enjoy the show, 'Sid, The Science Kid' and wish life was like that
-I have a lot of friends but few Friends and that's exactly how it should be
-I am ridiculously excited about going to Cirque De Soleil this Wednesday
-I am not excited about my son going to school in 2 years...*sigh*
-Sometimes, I'm wrong...and sometimes, so are you. The truth hurts.
-My husband is amazing..there are no words to describe how much I love and respect him
-I can eat desserts for meals and it's OK...sometimes being an adult is awesome
-I believe everyone should have a filter because somethings are better left unsaid
-I would prefer disposable clothing over laundry
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Once Upon A Time...
...There was a baby named Lillian Judith Bishop...'Judy' for short. From the very start she was super special. According to her own historical accounts, she began baking bread at the age of 5 and worked on her parents farm feeding animals, shovelling poo and running frantically from the giant pigs she didn't like very much. She grew and she grew and she grew until she was 10, then she stopped growing and never grew again :)
She did however get older. She met a super tall man named Howard Smith and married him in 1968 when she was 20 years old. Together, they moved away from Newfoundland and began livin it up in the grand metropolis of Toronto, Ontario. Judy began a lucrative career at a bank and was raking in the big bucks while climbing the corporate ladder. Many years later they decided to move back to Newfoundland so that they could be with their aging parents. Judy continued her career while taking care of her in-laws who lived in the house with her and her super tall husband, Howard. One day, she and her super tall husband, Howard decided to have a baby. They named her Melissa. She wasn't exactly what they were hoping for, so they decided to have another child. JOKES! (sorry Melissa!) They named their second child Kathy and seeing that they had achieved perfection, they ceased to have anymore children ;)
Judy decided that even though she was making the big dollars and enjoyed her job a lot, being with her kids was what she truly wanted to do so she took on the full, full, full-time position of stay at home mom of two and caretaker of her in-laws.
She did this job very well and balanced two babies and two old people and a super tall husband better than anyone on planet earth. She took care of everything from cooking to cleaning to sewing to volunteering and still made time for plenty of imagination and creativity. She judged colouring contests, played barbies, laboured over algebra problems and patiently endured the raging hormones and attitudes of two teenage girls.
There was not a lot of money, never a new car, no cable TV, lots of hand me down clothes and lots of homemade Christmas gifts but the girls didn't mind. They never wanted for anything, especially love. She taught her children the difference between 'needs' and 'wants'. She taught them about the importance of being a good friend and a Christ-like person. She taught them to have self confidence and that who you are is not defined by what you have, where you live or what you wear but by what you do and who you are in the eyes of the God who made you. She taught them how to have a healthy marriage by being an amazing, respectful and loving wife. She loved God first, her super tall husband, Howard second and her kids third...and strangely, her kids appreciated that because it made their family super healthy.
When the girls were old enough to leave the house and make their own choices, she graciously stepped aside and let them live their lives, confident in their abilities because she raised them so well.
Judy got older and older and OLDER AND OLDER...but she did not get slower, she only got better. Judy's children had children and Judy added 'amazing grandmother' to her long list of awesome attributes. Although her children and grandchildren live far from home, she makes every effort to have a relationship with her grand kids through daily check ins, letters, parcels, photos and frequent phone calls (sometimes twice a day!)
Everyone who has met Judy have one thing in common: They are better for it.
Happy Mother's Day, Judy. I am a lucky, lucky mom to have had a mom like you.
The End
She did however get older. She met a super tall man named Howard Smith and married him in 1968 when she was 20 years old. Together, they moved away from Newfoundland and began livin it up in the grand metropolis of Toronto, Ontario. Judy began a lucrative career at a bank and was raking in the big bucks while climbing the corporate ladder. Many years later they decided to move back to Newfoundland so that they could be with their aging parents. Judy continued her career while taking care of her in-laws who lived in the house with her and her super tall husband, Howard. One day, she and her super tall husband, Howard decided to have a baby. They named her Melissa. She wasn't exactly what they were hoping for, so they decided to have another child. JOKES! (sorry Melissa!) They named their second child Kathy and seeing that they had achieved perfection, they ceased to have anymore children ;)
Judy decided that even though she was making the big dollars and enjoyed her job a lot, being with her kids was what she truly wanted to do so she took on the full, full, full-time position of stay at home mom of two and caretaker of her in-laws.
She did this job very well and balanced two babies and two old people and a super tall husband better than anyone on planet earth. She took care of everything from cooking to cleaning to sewing to volunteering and still made time for plenty of imagination and creativity. She judged colouring contests, played barbies, laboured over algebra problems and patiently endured the raging hormones and attitudes of two teenage girls.
There was not a lot of money, never a new car, no cable TV, lots of hand me down clothes and lots of homemade Christmas gifts but the girls didn't mind. They never wanted for anything, especially love. She taught her children the difference between 'needs' and 'wants'. She taught them about the importance of being a good friend and a Christ-like person. She taught them to have self confidence and that who you are is not defined by what you have, where you live or what you wear but by what you do and who you are in the eyes of the God who made you. She taught them how to have a healthy marriage by being an amazing, respectful and loving wife. She loved God first, her super tall husband, Howard second and her kids third...and strangely, her kids appreciated that because it made their family super healthy.
When the girls were old enough to leave the house and make their own choices, she graciously stepped aside and let them live their lives, confident in their abilities because she raised them so well.
Judy got older and older and OLDER AND OLDER...but she did not get slower, she only got better. Judy's children had children and Judy added 'amazing grandmother' to her long list of awesome attributes. Although her children and grandchildren live far from home, she makes every effort to have a relationship with her grand kids through daily check ins, letters, parcels, photos and frequent phone calls (sometimes twice a day!)
Everyone who has met Judy have one thing in common: They are better for it.
Happy Mother's Day, Judy. I am a lucky, lucky mom to have had a mom like you.
The End
Friday, May 08, 2009
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Conversations with a Toddler
Driving home from the gym last night, Caden was in a bad mood.
Me: "When we get home you're going to take a bath."
Caden: "I WANT A TREAT!"
Me: "No treats tonight, buddy."
Caden: "I'M SICK OF THIS!"
Wow...not sure where Mr. Toddler gets his Mr. Teenager attitude.
This morning, Caden wanted Jay and I to play in his room.
Caden: "Come on boys, come on girls. Let me show you my room."
Me: "I've seen your room before."
Caden: "Ok, let's do something else."
At the gym last night, Caden runs up to a woman who is working out on a stationary bike.
Caden: "Hey, what's you doing?"
Lady: "I'm exercising. What's your name?"
Caden: "Caden Robert Stock"
Lady: "How old are you?"
Caden: "Five. I can ride the bus."
Me: "Caden, tell her how old you are."
Caden: (hangs his head) "Three."
Me: "When we get home you're going to take a bath."
Caden: "I WANT A TREAT!"
Me: "No treats tonight, buddy."
Caden: "I'M SICK OF THIS!"
Wow...not sure where Mr. Toddler gets his Mr. Teenager attitude.
This morning, Caden wanted Jay and I to play in his room.
Caden: "Come on boys, come on girls. Let me show you my room."
Me: "I've seen your room before."
Caden: "Ok, let's do something else."
At the gym last night, Caden runs up to a woman who is working out on a stationary bike.
Caden: "Hey, what's you doing?"
Lady: "I'm exercising. What's your name?"
Caden: "Caden Robert Stock"
Lady: "How old are you?"
Caden: "Five. I can ride the bus."
Me: "Caden, tell her how old you are."
Caden: (hangs his head) "Three."
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Drum Roll Please.....
I WON! Thanks to you. Thank you SO much to all who voted...it really means a lot to me. The group who hosted the video is going to be at a Kids Fair at the North Florida Fairgrounds today so we'll be stopping over there to meet some other mom's.
Seriously. Thanks.
The video wasn't much, but you all made it awesome. Love.
Seriously. Thanks.
The video wasn't much, but you all made it awesome. Love.
Friday, May 01, 2009
If you haven't already, Take 3 minutes before midnight tonight....
...and vote for my video!
Right now I have 70-something votes which I'm pretty sure has secured my place as number one! But I'm still scared of some kind of last minute, ebay-trick-type, sneak up happening so if you haven't voted, please do.
Only one vote per person. Multiple votes by the same user will be counted as One vote.
I must say, it's been super fun making this video and being in this contest this week (thanks Micah V!)...as a stay at home mom, sometimes it's the little things that make me excited.
One thing that is not little is the overwhelming response from my friends! You guys are amazing.
If you have not voted yet, please register (by clicking 'join' above the comment box) and vote for my video by clicking HERE.
I'll let you know what happens! T-minus 10 hours and counting...
Right now I have 70-something votes which I'm pretty sure has secured my place as number one! But I'm still scared of some kind of last minute, ebay-trick-type, sneak up happening so if you haven't voted, please do.
Only one vote per person. Multiple votes by the same user will be counted as One vote.
I must say, it's been super fun making this video and being in this contest this week (thanks Micah V!)...as a stay at home mom, sometimes it's the little things that make me excited.
One thing that is not little is the overwhelming response from my friends! You guys are amazing.
If you have not voted yet, please register (by clicking 'join' above the comment box) and vote for my video by clicking HERE.
I'll let you know what happens! T-minus 10 hours and counting...
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