Overwhelmed

WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG WINDED. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Allow me to be honest:
I am coming out of a period of spiritual silence, confusion, doubt and overwhelming complacency. I believe it began when we moved into Tallahassee. Suddenly, I was not consumed with praying about being delivered from the house in Crawfordville. I wasn't lonely anymore. I stopped working at Datamaxx and stopped being wracked with guilt about never seeing Caden. I stopped praying about a writing opportunity because God supplied one for me. I started working at the restaurant, playing music and having a great time and I suddenly found myself in a sea of people who needed to hear about Christ and I for some reason had stopped talking to Him and didn't even see it happening. For the first time in a long time, I have a community of people that aren't Christians and I realized that I didn't know how to evangelize in the real world. I didn't know how to carry out the great commission. I knew how to lead believers in musical worship but outside of that, I have always felt pretty useless as a disciple...stumbling over my words (when I speak them, not write them) and not being able to answer basic questions about the God I claim to know so well.
One night at work I heard a woman who was eating with a friend, talking about how her father was a pastor and how she was raised in a Pentecostal church. She described the emotional chaos of the services she remembered as being B.S (she used different words) and several, angry F-words later, described how disgusted she was with the entire thing...with people who spoke in tongues on Sunday and cheated on their wives on Monday. How she got to see up close and personal how fake Christians are and believed because of their hypocrisy that the whole thing must be garbage.
What was my place in that situation? I thought about approaching her and telling her that God cannot be defined by human beings who are imperfect. I thought about apologizing for what she had experienced and assuring her that what she saw was not God's best for humanity and not God's will for us...then I envisioned the debate that would follow and I knew I wouldn't have the answers...I also knew it probably wasn't professional to walk up to a woman, eating her dinner and explain how I was eavesdropping on her conversation and I had some things I wanted to add.
Another evening I heard a man I work with say to another worker, "God's not real. If He was and if He was SO powerful, why can't He stop his children from killing each other?" Then he laughed at the ridiculousness of the thought of the Almighty.
Again, what should I do? What should I say? It wasn't my conversation, it wasn't my place to walk away from the piano and interject my beliefs and even if I did, would I last in that conversation? I wouldn't have the answers...I know God is just and righteous and loving but I have no idea why bad things happen to good people...I just trust that when bad things happen, they do so for a greater purpose because I know Him and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is good.
I have always been embarrassed by obnoxious Christians, who fight with vim and vigour to declare their rightness and everyone else's wrongness. Who use horrifically STUPID arguments to explain teachings like, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." and other ridiculous one liners that do immeasurable damage to their credibility and the gospel message.
Confused, embarrassed and unsure I began to wonder, "Do I believe this? Because if I did, would it be so hard to talk about it? Would I be so embarrassed to be grouped in with bible belt Christianity?"
I began to remember specific situations in which God has dramatically and radically answered prayer in my life. I remember moments when I was so overwhelmed by him that I was terrified, but in an awesome way. I don't know how to live without knowing He is present because His presence is my purpose...but what about all the other stuff? What about the bible and the people who wrote it? How can we be certain of it's accuracy? So much could have been lost in translation or opinion...
Worst of all, how can someone like me who has been a Christian my entire life be having these questions? I looked upon myself as weak and wavering. I questioned my ability to lead worship at church or minister to people when I was having so many doubts. Despite my doubt, an inability to walk away from it all lived in me. I can't walk away because I must pass the love of God onto Caden and that deep seeded need shows me that I do believe it or else I wouldn't care about raising him in a real, Christian faith. I realized that I had more questions than answers but I needed to figure out what was up in an effort to be a spiritual leader for my son. There is little I obsess about, but one thing that is ever present in my soul is a longing for Caden to know God. I want that for him, some days more than I even want it for myself...I know that's probably unhealthy but it's how I feel.
Suddenly, in the midst of my questions came fear. If God allows innocent children to be beaten, raped or abused...if God sees the starvation and AIDS epidemic in Africa...if God sees a drunk driver smash into and kill a family and does nothing to protect them, why would he answer my prayers for protection?
I became overwhelmed by the sins of humanity...by the thought that evil lurks all around me...as a girl who always thought, "At the end of the day, every one has good in them" I began to think "No one is good, no one is safe."
Sunday night, after I shut off the bedside lamp, I became FROZEN with fear. My heart was pounding, I couldn't move. I finally was able to wake Jay and I told him what I was feeling...he was confused, but supportive and prayed with me, told me funny stories and talked to me until I was able to shut my eyes and go to sleep.
The following morning I woke up and grabbed my Ipod to go to the gym. I found a book on tape that my friend Desmond had given me after a conversation we had about the modern day church. The book is called, "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell and after listening to it for only 20 minutes, my mind was BLOWN. I became crazy excited. The sorrow and guilt I felt from questioning gave birth to joy! The questions were not a lack of faith but instead the journey to a deeper one. The silence was giving birth to deeper faith, a more real faith, a place that was still anti-sin but still had all kinds of shades of grey in it...a complicated, yet comforting path.
I am beginning to see that a big part of my problem lies in the 'rights' and the 'wrongs'. I have made Christianity into a black and white subject. There were indisputable rights which you should do and believe then there are indisputable wrongs. I arrogantly proclaimed that people need not interpret the bible, they just need to read the literal text...but I failed to see that what is literal to me may not be literal to someone else so what I was instead saying was, "everyone just read it the way I do and we won't have a problem"....how arrogant is that!?
We SHOULD question, discuss, explore, look into the translations, engage in conversations about who God is and do so in a loving, respectful community.
I remember when a close friend of mine was questioning the Christian faith after being a Christian for many years. I was scared for them. I didn't want that person to rock the boat...I was scared to death of them hearing new findings and new information...of looking outside of what 'I' knew because to me, it was safe and comfortable...I spoke with a pastor about it and he told me, "If you believe Christ to be the truth and if they are looking for truth, they will find Him...so what are you so worried about? Let them search!"
That flooded into my head as I became that person..and I was relieved. I do believe Jesus to be truth based on experience. I believe it based on the transformation I have seen in the lives of people around me and I know I will believe it more deeply after the transformation I feel coming over myself. I'm excited about it, nervous about it, scared to death of it and I know I will encounter many people along the way who will be irritated by my search because they too do not want the boat rocked, but one thing I am not anymore is complacent about it. The dial tone of numbness is being awaken by the loud clanging of symbols. I no longer want to silence the chaos of questions in my head but engaged them. I don't want to be a stupid Christian...I want to be an effective Christ follower who is hazardous for the kingdom and I think I am one step closer to getting there.
I needed to share this...so that I can document this moment and so that I can share with anyone else who is just as confused as I am.
I believe the closer I get to God, the more questions I will have...and that's what will make my life more passionate, exciting and interesting. Seriously, it's blowing my mind.