Censorship

I haven't really written anything of substance on this thing in quite a while. Writer's block? Maybe...but I think it's more of a personal censorship. I've become cautious to write when I feel any type of strong emotion. I don't like talking about my feelings so I'm reluctant to type about them...typing leads to questions and I prefer this one sided communication when it comes to the inner workings of my brain and heart.
I'm increasingly more careful about what I say with regards to myself because on more than one occasion my writings have been brought up for discussion outside of this one-sided world of blogging I have come to love, and I don't know how to deal with that. I like telling my thoughts to a computer. It's easy to forget that there are humans on the other side tuning in.
As previously stated, I don't like talking about my feelings...as funny as that sounds, seeing as how I have been an open book on this web page...but that's the thing. I like 'typing' about my feelings or opinions. What I don't like is 'talking' about them. I'm a deeply emotional being, but I am cautiously guarded too. It's a tricky combination.
So here's a window into me:
If I blog about something, it's usually because I don't want to 'talk' about it...silly as that may be. Some people may publically share their opinions as a way of digging for attention or getting their point across to specific individuals passive aggressively, but that's not me. Once I've written it, I don't want to talk about it again. That may not be fair, but that's how I feel.
I love to write. It's therapeutic for me. Talking about my feelings however is not therapeutic for me. It makes me feel stupid, embarrassed and irritated so I shut down and regret ever writing the post that prompted the uncomfortable conversation.
There is so much I have been learning about life lately...but it's hard to blog about them for the fear of having someone ask, "what's going on?!?!?!?!" or "Were you talking about me?"
DISCLAIMER: I have NEVER used my blog as a way of passive aggressively addressing another individual. Rest in knowing, if I have an issue with you, I'll call you about it or I'll get over it but blogging will not be my means of communicating it to you.
We live in an Internet networking saturated world where people air their dirty laundry through their face book status or pass hurtful gossip from wall to wall. In an effot to avoid confrontation, we have our important conversations via text message and email where tone is lost and nothing good can come from it. In an effort to separate myself from that, I issue the following statement:
When I write, it is about me and how I perceive life, God, marriage, motherhood, friendship, and the world around me. Sometimes, I get facts wrong, sometimes I write and after reading it, I don't agree with myself anymore! This website is not unbiased, research based material. It's TOTALLY biased and I don't know how not to be. It is after all the Life and Times of Kathy! ;)
My prayer and desire is that when/if people read what I have to say, they will be able to relate and feel encouraged...even when my days are less than cheery and my words less than inspiring...because let's be honest, no one has their game face on 100% of the time. A sad day doesn't mean a depressed girl...it just means I am human and had the courage to be honest about it.
A goal of mine, especially now that I have a very observant toddler, is to be real. I don't want to be one way outside and another way at home. I don't want Caden to see me as a faker. My husband is an incredibly honest person who has always inspired me to have a 'this is me. I'm working on it but it's not perfect. take it or leave it' attitude but it's tough for me to be transparent sometimes...because honesty prompts questioning and the more people try to dig into me, the more I shut down.
Trust me, I want to work on it. The people who love me have every right to ask about me and I know they do so out of the kindness of their hearts and once again, this was not written directly at anyone...I know that the issue is with me and not others...I am hoping to come to a place where I am so comfortable with myself and my friendships that I can be completely transparent and honest without fear of rejection but that will be a long road.
In the mean time, if my writings are sad, don't think I am. I might just be having a rough day. If my writings are infrequent, I apologize. I'm probably building furniture out of blocks with my kid. And try not to read too much into my ups and down. I am after all a woman and it could be due to any number of problems. Hormones, lack of caffeine, chocolate with drawl...the list is endless ;)
More than likely if you read this, it's because we have a connection and I truly do appreciate you doing life with me, even if it is onesided ;)