The family and I went to the first night of a new parenting class at church called, 'Parental Guidance Required'. It was really comforting and refreshing to sit with other parents and hear the truth: We all have no idea what we're doing, we're all a touch messed up but we love our kids and want to raise them well. The topic of last night's lesson was making sure our kids are relationally rich. Often times we over fill our children's lives with busyness and activities. Soccer, football, ballet, band, music lessons, swim meets, drama team, even church activities fill our child's schedule to the point where we don't spend quality time one on one with them, making them experientially rich but relationally poor.
I struggle everyday with guilt about not being home with Caden while he's little. I am thankful to work for a great company that has been very accommodating to me. I have a good salary, great benefits and fun co-workers...but honestly, my position is less than challenging and quite unfulfilling...I'm a writer and a singer and a musician at heart, disguised as a collections agent. Talk about a fish out of water!
Even so, I wake up each morning, thanking God that I have work when so many don't, thanking Him for Jay's new job and big-time thanking Him for Caden being in such a wonderful school. As a working mother, I couldn't ask for a better scenario...Caden goes to a Christian daycare that he loves and a close friend of mine (Amber!) is with him daily. She calls and texts midday to let me know how he is, and I LOVE that. I use to miss Caden and also wonder if he was ok. Now that he is in his new school, I just miss him...and that burden of anxiety for his safety has been graciously lifted from my heart.
Nonetheless, I always have this voice in the back of my head, reminding me of how precious time is and how I'm wasting it. How my child is growing and learning and changing everyday and I only get to experience an hour of it in the morning and 2 hours of it in the evening. Most nights I hate putting him to bed because I just want to be with him for one more hour.
It's hard to know whether this is the call of God to trust Him (even though the numbers won't work out) and leave my job or whether it is an unhealthy voice that I should ignore. My prayer has been that if God is calling me to be at home with Caden full-time again, he will be involved with the swift selling of our house, putting us in a less stressful financial situation that would give us more options. So far, no bites...so I'll keep making collection calls and trust that He's got this. Jeremiah 29:11.
Jay reminds me daily how great school as been for Caden, and I can't ignore that. He is healthy and happy and potty trained! There are serious benefits from him being where he is...in fact, the majority of my feelings are completely selfish. I miss him. I want to be with him....but only God knows where he needs to be in order to shape him into the man he is suppose to become. Maybe starting school at such a young age is going to give him the confidence he needs to be a positive and influential leader later in life....who knows? Maybe as an only child, school will give him the relationship he needs with children his own age, and he will learn about sharing and respect in a practical way. I rest in knowing that God sees the whole picture and not just the immediate situation...and as my dad reminded me the other day, "Sometimes what happens within us while we wait is more important than what we're waiting for."
In the meantime, I intend on making the few hours I get with Caden, saturated with love. The important thing is that we take our limited quantity of time and make it quality.
I'm excited for next Wednesday's class!
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