To be honest, I've never been a fan of daycare. I've seen some positive things come from it in Caden's life but aside from 1 day or a few hours a week, I really wish he didn't have to go. I'm starting to see some small but bothersome behaviors rising up in him....including his new phrase, "Leave me alone!" while boils my blood every time it comes out of his mouth...I know kids are kids, and they are going to say things they shouldn't and use their parents as their punching bags, but after 6 months of 'shall remain nameless' daycare, I think it's time for a change.
I'm currently trying to get Caden into a new school that I feel would be really good for him. It's a little bit more expensive and a little bit out of the way but I think the peace of mind I'll receive from knowing he's there, in a Christ-centered atmosphere with a loving, caring staff, will make the extra money and driving worth it.
The only problem is that there is a waiting list, and I'm really not interested in pursuing another option...I don't want to move him from one school to another to another to another...I've decided to keep him where he is until a spot opens up at the new school.
I've been kind of feeling like my life is speeding along and I am watching it go by with little control over it...It's moving so quickly and I find I'm frazzled and out of breath a lot of the time. I think I've finally come to the realization that I've lost my peace...which comes from the fact that I've stopped trusting God with my life. This is VERY out of character for me...I've always been known as ridiculously easy going, to a fault. I've never wondered whether we'd be ok or whether things would work themselves out because I've always rested in the fact that God loves me and He'll take care of it.
Somewhere in the hectic craziness of the last few months, I have begun over-thinking, stressing, and worrying about everything because I've switched my thinking from "God's got it" to "I have to take care of this" panic mode. I think it comes from the painful realization that Caden is growing up really fast, and I have a very short time to raise him, teach him, influence him, and I literally feel like I don't have time to raise him anymore, which terrifies me. It terrifies me because I somehow made being Caden's mom more important than being a child of God....scary. Coming to this awareness over the past couple of days has been startling, but healthy. It's time to start nipping this.
I've reached out and spoken with several people about what's going on with me. I've been concerned with leading worship on Sunday with my heart in a mess because the last thing I want to do is lead people in song about trusting, loving and worshipping the Lord when, mentally, I'm not here right now. A good friend reminded me that it's worshipping when we don't feel like it that is a true sacrifice of praise. It's an act of selflessness...to leave your 'feelings' at the door and say, "God, I don't want to be here, but I need to be here. I don't want to talk to You right now, but You're all I need and there's no where else to go. I'm not feeling very passionate about You right now, but I know You are the author of Love, Peace and Joy and that I am your child. I love You, I love You, I love You because I was created to."
I think I have a tendency to view God as an angry principle, waiting for me to mess up, wanting to always teach me a lesson the hard way. Then I remember He is my Father who loves me more than I Love my own son and a tiny fragment of peace comes over me, reminding me that if I ask for bread, He will not give me a stone. That if I seek, I'll find. That if I knock, the door will be opened. God doesn't break his promises...I just forget the promises He's made.
So today, after speaking with the director of the new school and finding out there is a waiting list, I began to panic. I'm still a little panicky, but I was reminded that God loves Caden more than I do, He will go with him and protect his mind, heart and body whether he's at daycare 1 or daycare 2. It will be ok.
In the mean time, I'm trying not to grind my teeth, eat too much chocolate (it's like beer to an alcoholic for me and my pants are already feeling tighter) and I'm trying not to remind God every 15 seconds what I need and when I need it...
I'm very much looking forward to church this Sunday. I need it.
2 comments:
kathy, from the outside....i hope i'm as good a mom as you are (one day). your deisre to be a godly example for caden and a godly wife to jason constantly encourages me.
in other words, you rock.
Dang... I wish you were closer so we could share our similar struggles and remind each other who's in control of our lives and our families... I can relate to your post, and it was nice to be able to read it... thanks for sharing... and being so transparent.
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