Much better day

The closing went well...everything went better than expected with some pleasant suprises. Caden is being fairly well mannered so the forecast for today is busy but manageable. I'll be unplugging for a few days but will update ASAP.
LOVE to all!

I'm going out of my mind

Today is the day from hell. Literally. I'm trying to pack and get a million things done and Caden has morphed into some kind of demon who has not stopped freaking out from the moment he woke up this morning. I've tried everything..spanking, timeout, ignoring, hugging...nothing. He is completely unphased by my attempts and is continuing to throw fit after fit. He is petrified of the tape gun which is incredibly inconvenient considering I have to make 100 boxes today.
It's days like this when I wish my mom lived down the street. I have no one to watch him tomorrow for the closing and he's been under my feet all day, making the packing process impossible...It'd be nice to have somewhere to drop him off without feeling guilty about imposing.
I think he's getting some of his back teeth so hopefully once they have arrived he will turn back into a nice baby.
My stomach is on fire because I swear I have an ulcer. I've been really nautious for a few days and no, I'm not pregnant!
Something is screwed up with our loan application and they ever so nicely waited till the day before closing to tell us that...So we're sitting in limbo right now, surrounded by our stuff in boxes wondering if we're even going to be able to close tomorrow.
I am filled with a mixture of rage, sadness, anxiety and helplessness....but God's got this right?
I know he does. I'm not writing this for pity or even encouragement. I just needed to take a minute to escape from a screaming baby, the packing and incompitant loan agents and breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.

200th Post

This is my 200th post. I've been keeping this online journal since 2003 and it's pretty crazy to look back and see how different life is and how faithful God has been. Here is a much anticipated (by my parents and sister anyway) video of Caden walking around. Enjoy!

I'm a packing pro

I'm packing...again...actually I'm procrastinating right now but I have been packing all day. Caden seems to be all better excpet while he was sick he developed this crazy tantrum behavior whenever he doesn't get his own way. That's been draining...not knowing what to do or how to discipline a child that has no words except for 'Dog', I just desperatly want to do right as his mother. I don't want to spoil him but I don't want to make him feel alone or abandoned. It's a hard line. This parenting this is rough. I'm kicking myself for everytime I said, "My child won't act like that."
He has quite the temper and I'm just going to have to find what works for us. So far timeout seems to help him calm down...even though he has no idea what's going on. There are alot of techniques I want to use when he's old enough to understand...plus I know that when he has words he'll be less upset when he wants or needs to tell us something. Until then I will grind my teeth and try my best.

Packing is always fun. I'm really good at it now since this is our 8th move. Crazy. It's become routine now. This one is so much more exciting though cause we're moving into our first house in a place where we have an amazing church and some incredible friends. Even though we're packing up, we're finally setteled!
Hopefully I won't be eatting those words 8 months from now, cause that tends to be my pattern!

Calm after the storm

Our neighbour is home again now. There is a moving truck outside of his place because he and his wife will be gone before Monday.
Apparantly they suffered the loss of a child last year and understandably he was quite damaged by it. The anniversary of this tragedy happened recently and Wednesday night while his wife was out of town, he took alot of pills, drank alot of beer and began to think that Caden was his baby. That's why he came over.
I am filled with empathy for them. I hate that everything happened the way it did, but sometimes people need to hit rock bottom in order to know they need help. I hope this is their wake up call...that they need to get some help coping with their loss. Pray for them.
Now that we know the man is not vengeful or angry we're begining to find some peace. Jason keeps reminding me to not allow myself to be afraid...to not let others determine my happiness. I married not only a brave, but a wise man. We're both doing alot better today.
Thursday was difficult. We didn't know anything until Friday so the silence of Thursday was deafening. I was on my way to the court house to get a restraining order and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Luckily my church was just up the street and I went in and found a haven of love and support. Thanks guys. You'll never know how much it means to have you there.
I am Blessed.
I've raved about it before, but in this month of absolute insanity, God has given me a flashing, neon sign that says, "I love you. I'm here. Quit worrying about stuff you can't control."
I could look at the month of April as being incredibly stressful, and in all honestly, it has been...but in every scenerio, God has shown me how big he is and I am reminded of his presence.
Buying the house was stressful. Will we be able to afford it? Will the commute be too much? What if something goes wrong? I've decided to change my focus to, "YAY! WE FINALLY HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE TO CALL OUR OWN! I have a hardworking husband who has never allowed us to go without anything and we're going to be fine.
Caden being sick has been stressful. Sleepless nights, loosing weight, not knowing what's wrong. I've changed my focus to, "Thank you Lord that my Son is here and protected and with me, that this illness will pass and it will be nothing but a pebble in the road." For those who are wondering about him, he has gained a pound back and is doing alot better. Praise Jesus.
This whole incident with our neighbour has had me in knots. On the positive end, I've lost 14 pounds. Calorie counting mixed with stomach flu mixed with anxiety is an excellent diet plan :)
In all seriousness this crazy event has shown me beyond the shadow of a doubt how fortunate I am. God willing I will never have to deal with the loss of a child. I don't know what I would do. The only way I would survive it is through Christ. To know that there are people harbouring as much pain as that man and woman is heartbreaking. I am very apprehensive about seeing him again, but if God can somehow use us to show this man Christ I pray that He does. This month has shown me what an amazing husband I have, what a beautiful child I have and what an incredible church family I have.
God is good. He gives and take away, but He is so good.

I know this a long one, but take a minute and read....we need your prayers

Last night I left the apartment by myself for the first time in a long time. I headed off for a relaxing night of getting my hair cut. I left at 6:00, I got back at 8:30. When I got home Jay informed me of something really creepy that had happened.
We have a neighbor whom I have never really trusted. My spirit of discernment always goes crazy when this man approaches Caden and I, especially since he only approaches us to talk when we are alone. Apparantly last night, around 7:10, this man knocked quietly on our door. Jay opened the door and the man stood there looking very startled to see him. He had a puppy on a leash. He mumbled over his words, stunned at the fact that Jason was home, and then said, "I knew you had a baby and thought the puppy might want to play with him."

Jay looked at him like he had six heads, after which the man started to back up slowly and say, "Maybe this was a mistake."

"Ya, it was a mistake." Jay said calmly.

He relayed this story to me when I got home, and after speaking to a friend, we decided that he should go over there and calmly explain why it was inappropriate to have come over and to ask him not to do it again.
Jay left and I whispered a prayer of protection over him, after which I laughed and thought, "Oh Kathy, you're so dramatic. What's the worst that can happen."

Well, here's what happened.
Jay knocked on his door and within 30 seconds the man opened it in his underwear with a pistol in his right hand. Jay stepped back and calmly said, "I didn't come here to fight. I don't have anything on me. I just wanted to tell you that your actions tonight were inappropriate and please leave my family alone."

The man raised his gun, and without pointing it at him, gestured to it as if to say, "Look what I've got."

Jay turned and left. He got home and told me what happened. 911 was called. The police came out and got Jay's statement and decided to arrest the guy for aggrevated assault with a weapon. They told us they would call us when the man was apprehended.
30 minutes went by and nothing. Then we heard a voice outside. It was a police officer with a megaphone saying, "THIS IS THE TALLAHASSEE POLICE DEPARTMENT. YOU NEED TO COME OUTSIDE." We looked out and there were many police cars and officers everywhere. Our neighbor had locked himself in his apartment and was not planning on coming out. A while later an officer came to our door and told us we would have to vacate the premises because the S.W.A.T team was going to move in on him. We got Caden up and were escorted through the wooded area behind our building in order to avoid the crazy man's apartment. Alot of residents were outside videotaping and taking in all the live action. We were announced as "The Victims" and were brought back behind the SWAT vehicle to identify a picture of the man and to tell our story, again. We then went to our friend Diana's apartment.
The policeman stayed with us for the rest of the evening...since we were 'victims' and all, and by 2:30am the SWAT team had surrounded the building, they had given him many warnings, they had opened his door and continued to warn him to come outside and finally they set off a thing called a 'Banger' which emulated the sound of a gun shot. At that point "creepy creepster, tighty, whity gun man" came outside and surrendered.
At 3am they told us we could go home. He's in jail now but he could get out anytime. We'll be notified when he is released and I think when I get that phone call I'm going to have a panic attack.
What were his intentions? Why did he come here when he did? What was he planning on doing to Caden and I? Did he bring his gun with him when he came to 'play'? All of these questions are going through my head.
I have so many questions and so many insecurities right now. But I do know this:
- I have the bravest husband in the world , who handled this situation with complete courage and wisdom.
- I have an amazing church family, who have rallied around us and have offered us whatever we need to get through this. I love you guys SO much.
- I will never again tell myself that I am being silly when my sense of discernment is going crazy, when I feel that someone is not safe. It's one thing to put myself at risk, but I will never let someone I don't trust anywhere near my Son.
- God sees everything before I do and every step I have is ordered by him. I'm not saying I don't determine my own destiny by my choices, but that God, in order to fulfill his plans for my life, has intervened on my behalf with a hedge of protection to keep me safe an alive inspite of others evil choices. He stepped in and made a way for us to be alive and together instead of broken and seperated by the sick insanity of our next door neighbor...which means he must still have some plans for us, and that's awesome.

I know that God loves this man and that he is a creation of his just like I am. My prayer for him is that he gets the help he needs, so that he can't hurt anyone anymore, including himself.
Pray for us friends. Pray that we will never meet up with that man again. That we will be safe for the remainder of our 10 days here and that we will be able to calm down and have peace because right now it is a hard thing to find.

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Sweet Escape

I took this picture in May 2005.
My hometown of Green's Harbour, Newfoundland, Canada.
I miss it alot this week.
I mean look at it. Look how serene and peaceful it is. So many good times swimming in the ocean, fishing for conners off of the warf in the summer and ice pan jumping in the winters....I still can't believe we use to do that. Life was so much simpler then. I had so many 'spots' overlooking the North Atlantic that I could ride my bike to and escape everything. It took 45 minutes to drive to the nearest walmart or movie theatre..and even then that movie theatre only had one screen. The gas station was also a take-out food joint, a movie rental shop, a grocery store and a place to buy live bait for fishing. What Green's Harbour lacked in big business it made up for in beauty, tranquility and great people. We'd get together with friends and neighbours regularly for dinner and music and fun. We are 'people people', and I miss that alot. I miss the days of calling up a friend and saying, "We're making dinner, you wanna come over?" or, "I'm bored, lets go do something right now!" Or just plain dropping in on someone, uninvited but graciously greeted.
When did I all of a sudden have to start planning get-togethers 3 weeks in advance? It's a shame really.

Green's Harbour. Filled with love, gossip, nosey old neighbours who would fall out of a window trying to listen in on your conversation but would be the first to bring you a hot meal if you needed something to warm your belly.

This has been a crazy week, a complicated, stressful, cyclone of a week...Thankfully I'm able to bring myself back to one of my many sceneic spots, specifically a large cliff overlooking the horizon with nothing but orange, sun kissed water for as far as the eye can see and sometimes an iceburg in the distance if the season was right.
When I picture this I can escape the riggors of everyday life and get lost in it, if only for a moment.

Where did Thursday go?

I had an MRI on Wednesday to look deep into the world of my lower spine, and afterwards I started to feel a little blah. I got home and decided I didn't want any dinner. Around 5-ish I got pretty sick and by 9-ish there was no food or liquid left in my body. I lay in bed, rolling and groaning until 3 when I realized that I couldn't walk upright without the fear of passing out so Jay got the baby up and we headed off to the ER. I checked in and Jay and Caden went back home so Baby Boy could go back to sleep and from 4-9 I was pumped with liquid and nausia meds. The tests showed dehydration and inflamation of the stomach. How you can tell what's going on with your stomach from a blood test, I don't know but I was given a prescription for zantac and reglan and sent on my merry way. Kris graciously took Caden for the day and slept pretty much all of Thursday away.
I'm feeling much better today but it's still creeping me out that Thursday just kind of didn't happen. Very strange.

What to do?

I am a cleaning machine today. I think it's fueled by stress. We were filling out our mortgage paperwork last night and the reality set in. Buying a house is a huge deal. It's like getting married or having a baby.

Speaking of which...I dropped the ball big time.

I didn't have an expensive, fancy wedding...unless you consider us, the Pastor and the photographer fancy...but it was EXACTLY what I wanted. A private, inexpensive, beautiful wedding outside followed by a candlelit meal that we got from a take out along the way to our honeymoon cabin. I got chicken fingers and fries, Jay had pizza. It was awesome.

I, however dropped the ball when it came to having a bridal shower. No towels, no mixing bowls, no toaster, no pots, no pans, no vases, no picture frames...NOTHING! Aside from a cute cartoon picture my friend Amy gave me of Jay and I getting married, I missed out on the whole thing. I didn't get good gifts, I didn't get stupid gifts. Nadda.

My mother however had a shower for me in NL without me being present and the money people gave got deposited into my student loan debt...oh joy... I am thankful for that, but you have to admit it's not as fun as digging through seas of presents with shiney white and silver paper.

At first this didn't bother me...but now that I am a bit older and I spend alot of time at home...I get a little sad everytime I look at my towels. My towels are my mother's discards that she wrapped breakables in to send me for Christmas and birthdays. I also get sad when I look at my silverware...which is actually some kind of plastic-like silver that rusts if left to dry in the dishwasher. Thankfully, when my mom came to visit me in March, she looked at the state of my mixing bowels (A.K.A: one massive one) and she dragged me to Target to get a set...so I know longer cry when I have to mix a pancake for one in a bowel for 500.

So here's my question. Is it wrong to register for a house warming? Especially if, for instance, that person never got any presents when he/she got married? I read online that it's bad manners...but would people be offended given the above stated information, if I sent out invitations to a house warming with a little link on the bottom that may contain some things I need and like?

Give me your opinion.

Some pictures need no words...

How much more handsome can one boy be?

Here is Caden in his Easter outfit. Once again, I apologize for the sideways-ness of the photos...my computer stinks and won't let me edit the shots.
I this suit on him tonight to make sure it would fit and it's perfect. He is strikingly handsome in it, looking more and more like his Daddy everyday.
Have an awesome Easter everyone!

I Heart Computer

This fast taught me that I LOVE my computer...just kidding...I do love my computer, but I learned alot more than that through fasting from it.
I learned that I can get ALOT done when I don't have the internet to distract me. Through some reading and some quiet time I felt overwhelmingly grateful for my blessings.
That has really been the theme of my learning experience. I have so much freakin stuff to be thankful for. When I first started to realize this, I felt a little guilty for having what I have...I certainly don't deserve any of it.
I don't deserve an incredible marriage with a man who respects and loves me the way Jay does.
I don't deserve a perfect little baby boy who is delightful even on a bad day.
I don't deserve to have the home I have or the car that I drive or the comfortable living that I have when so many people do without the basics everyday.
I certainly do not deserve the musical ability God has gifted me with or the wonderful people he has placed in my life.
So I sat on my couch in the quiet, overwhelmed with guilt when I realized, thats exactly what makes Jesus so awesome. I could never earn his blessings, I could never earn his love and he knows that, but he doesn't care. He doesn't expect me to. He gives and he is good. He takes away and he is good. Everything in life is his and is given or taken according to his purpose. Quickly my guilt turned to praise and thankfulness, not so much for what God has done for me, but for who he is.
Love.
I also learned how important having a daily, communicative relationship is with the Father.
I learned that his word is legitimate and true and I'm not ignorant for knowing that. I learned that I need to guard myself against what I read and who I choose to teach me. I never want to fall into the trap where God becomes a science or a subject and not a Father that I can speak with and be spoken to.
I learned that knowing about God is SO important but head knowledge with the absense of heart knowledge is dangerous. If you know about God but you fail to know God, you've missed the point.
I praise God for my church and how incredibly balanced and focused it is. That it is led by incredibly brilliant people that I can trust and I am SO grateful that I get to play a small roll in it.
Overall, it was a very productive week. It's amazing what you can learn when you shut your computer off.

Fasting

GC.tv is encouraging its members to fast this week. Either entirely or partially (you can see the Daniel fast menu at Pastor Hunter's Blog).
I start some hardcore training for my back this week, where I need to eat 50 grams of protien a day, so I am not going to be able to take part in the eating part of this fast, however I've decided that something that takes up more of my time than food is computer...so I'm going to fast from computer from Monday-Saturday and I will spend the time I would normally spend sitting infront of my PC, praying and focusing on God. Believe it or not this is going to be quite hard for me...but I want to deny myself something and spend more time focusing on God's voice so this should be a good way to do it.
If you need me, you'll have to call me or drop in.
So faithful readers, do not worry...I will be back on Saturday.

Fasting

GC.tv is encouraging it's members to fast this week. Either entirely or partially (you can see the Daniel fast menu at Pastor Hunter's Blog).
I start some hardcore training for my back this week, where I need to eat 50 grams of protein a day, so I am not going to be able to take part in the eating part of this fast, however I've decided that something that takes up more of my time then food is computer...so I'm going to fast from computer from Monday-Saturday and I will spend the time I would normally spend sitting infront of my PC, praying and focusing on God. Believe it or not this is going to be quite hard for me...but I want to deny myself something and spend more time focusing on God's voice so this should be a good way to do it.
So faithful readers, do not worry...I will be back on Saturday.