12:23am

I can't sleep.
Every now and then I am overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a Christian parent. Perhaps I shouldn't worry so much, since the good book tells me not to...but I find myself obsessing over doing it right...parenting that is. I desperately want to do it right.
The greatest desire of my heart is that Caden knows, loves and has a relationship with Christ. That is my number one ultimate priority in raising him. I would give anything to ensure that he is connected to Jesus. I have high aspirations for him...few having to do with worldly success, most having to with character and integrity. I passionately and deeply want him to be a good, God-fearing man. I would prefer him to be a passionate Christian garbage collector than a spiritually dormant doctor or lawyer.
But how do I ensure it? How do I know if I'm doing it right? Keeping him alive and well isn't enough. Will he see me as a mother who loved a real, living God and who modeled life after Christ or will he see me as someone who did church on Sunday and other than that was an alright person?
How can I keep him focused on heaven when there are so many distractions, so many things telling him that God and church are a waste of time...Can I compete with that?
How strong of an influence will I be? I spend every waking minute with him which is amazing but at times very trying, especially going it alone the majority of the time. It's alot of pressure....no wonder I've developed TMJ from grinding my teeth.
I've always had a problem with wanting to do the right thing all the time. Unfortunately being an imperfect person means that life doesn't work that way...and my ambition to do right usually causes me to mess up royally. I'm the queen of good intentions.
I'm sure it isn't God's will for me to stress about the condition of my son's soul but it is my job to foster it, to teach it, to help nuture it...and I just want to do it right.
I think I would be less stressed if Caden was a girl. Since I am a girl, I know a little bit about how girls think...I think I would have the upper hand if I was the same-sex parent. I know nothing about how little boys work...well to be honest I know nothing about how little people work in general but I am so grateful to have my little man. Motherhood snuck up on me and although it is absolutly my calling it is mega-intimidating for me...because I have NO clue what I'm doing.
I miss my husband. I miss working in the ministry with him. I miss what that was like. I miss spending every minute together...that might sound needy, but when you're married to your best friend you don't mind spending your days in unison. Jay doesn't spend all his time at work out of choice, but rather obligation and necessity. He works so incredibly hard to make our family work but the hours are hard on both him and I. I'm sure they are even harder on Caden. He just doesn't have the words to say so.
I use to read my bible alot...I use to pray frequently...life has since made these things harder than they use to be. Maybe if I could just get back there I wouldn't be so scared or unsure of my abilities to parent. I just want to do it right.
It is 12:50am and I have to get up early for church tomorrow. I tried falling asleep a while ago but these thoughts have been ramshacking my brain all evening. Thankfully the blog is just a click away and I can get things off my chest.
Thank you online journal. You're always there for me.