Complacency

I didn't plan on having children so soon. I never really planned on having children at all. I mean, I never wrote it off, but I'm only 23 years old. In my mind I had a lot of time to think about that and plan it out. I wanted to enjoy being married for a long time before introducing kids into the mix. To be honest, I've never really been a big fan of kids.
Well, I'm just being honest.
I worked at summer camps and was even a youth pastor for a year but was always pretty uncomfortable talking to kids and getting on their level. My husband tells me I'm good with children, but it's totally a front. Inside I am a bundle of nerves, waiting for their parents to come and get them.
Now babies were completely foreign to me. I had never changed a diaper, never prepared a bottle or given a baby a bath. I've always loved babies because they are cute and you can't get caught in awkward conversations with them like you can older kids...but I never had alot of exposure. I was the youngest of all the grandchildren by a mile and there were never any babies around except the scattered one at Christmas or my grandmother's birthday get-togethers. I honestly had no clue how they worked.
Fast forward to Caden. Precious little man who I never exactly planned but am overwhelmingly thankful for. I remember finding out I was pregnant and being terrified and honestly quite upset. As his due date grew closer my mentality changed and I was more than ready to meet him and begin raising him.
I remember the day I had him I wasn't able to walk because of the epidurel so the nurses took care of him. The following day I was confused as to why no one had come in to change his diaper...then it dawned on me....that was MY job.
I panicked.
I began changing him, having no clue what direction the diaper was suppose to face, and he peed, poop and threw up all at the same time. I remember whispering to him, "I can't do this!"
Lucky for him I got the hang of it.
From that moment until this one, I have been completely confident in my abilities to take care of him. I've had a few break downs where I've laid on the kitchen floor weeping but I quickly shake it off and continue on with the grind.
Recently however I am having emotional flashbacks to that moment in my hospital room when I whispered, "I can't do this!"
I love our new house but the lonliness of a small town is not something I've had to deal with in a long time. On top of that, Caden is in a very interesting stage of his life where he cannot talk, but has ALOT to say and gets crazy-postal angry when he can't tell me what he wants. Isolation + 24/7 whining baby = "I can't do this!"
I love being at home with him, and the thought of not being with him 8 hours a day makes me whell up with tears but somedays I think having a job outside of the house would be a nice mental break. Having a reason to dress up, being able to eat lunch without someone pointing to it and yelling, "DAT!"
Being able to run to the post office or make a quick trip to the grocery store on my way from here to there and not have to drag another body out of the car for a 2 minute trip. Having other adults to talk to and having a sense of accomplishment at the end of each task.
I'm not going to do it, not because it's wrong, but because I know myself and in all honestly the laughter with Caden out weighs the tears and the good times always out number and out weigh the bad.
However somedays I do day dream about it and go to monster.com.
I know all of the things I need to do to make life better for myself. I need to meet people, I need to get out of the house and find activities for us to do, I need to change my attitude and suck it up and I know that inevidibly I will, but right now I have to say I am doubting myself and I am emotionally tired. Very, very tired.
LUCKILY, my mom is coming in August and that'll be a breath of fresh air. As much as having my mom around would be helpful when I need childcare in a pinch or when I need to run some errands, I mostly wish my mom was around just to keep me company. After that I have a few other scheduled visits from close friends so the future looks bright and less lonely.
I often times hesitate writing anything of depth on this blog because I don't want to be asked how I am or viewed a certain way by the people I love..but anyone who knows me knows that I HATE talking about my feelings face to face and this is my venue for doing it, but no worries friends, I'll be fine. Just venting at the ventilation station.