Inching Towards Freedom

I'll be honest about some things I've been dealing with over the last few months.
A few weeks before Easter I began feeling very disconnected from God and I began to feel out-of-place at church. I can't explain the feeling...an internal chaos that led to shut down is as close as I can come to describing it accurately. Easter was a difficult day for me. I left church feeling...weird. It didn't feel like Easter. It didn't feel right. I know 'feelings' are not what it is all about but it just didn't 'feel' right to me...I began a journey to a strange emotional and spiritual place. A place I've never really been before.
As weeks have turned into months, I find myself more and more chaotic in my spirit and less and less connected...I literally feel my brain churning when I try to research and learn the things of God...like they are too big for me to understand, like I've had it wrong for a long time. I've become frustrated with the lack of black and white's when it comes to who God is and what He's about....instead, I find myself wallowing in a sea of grey and I've honestly been wondering if the God I thought I knew is really the way He is at all.
I haven't questioned His existence or my need for Him. If anything, my spiritual situation has affirmed both to me, but I've felt that with each passing day, a new layer of spiritual chains have been wrapped around my heart and I find myself unable to move. Unable to move closer, unable to move away. Just stuck.
I don't know if this makes any sense, or if anyone can relate, but I (for the first time I can remember) am sensing a very real spiritual attack on my life. It is as though I can feel the breath of evil, negativity, fear. My self image has been completely construed and a once confident woman is becoming pathetically insecure. I realize this is very transparent...but writing my thoughts are the only way they make sense to me and I believe I can't be the only one who has experienced this type of spiritual turmoil.
The constraints on my spirit have left me with an inability to pray like I use to...a spiritual laziness I guess...and in place of the peace I've always clung to has descended a spirit of anger, insecurity and despair.
It's not as desperate as it sounds I suppose...I haven't had to medicate myself or hide in the dark due to an inability to function, but I have felt somewhat disabled...all the while ,the chaos of trying to figure out who God is and what He's all about (after YEARS of having a relationship with Him) has caused me extreme mental fatigue. In all honesty, it's easier to sleep or distract myself with other things than to face this thing head on...and that's what I've been doing until now. I've begun to wrestle like Jacob.
A few weeks ago my friend Abby asked me if I wanted to attend a Beth Moore bible study with her on 'Esther'. I was excited. Just what I needed. A structured, fail-proof bible study with an accountability partner. I jumped on board.
I love Beth Moore and this study has been great. When I went to Canada, I brought the workbook with the intention of doing my 'homework' but I didn't crack the cover. I also missed two of the video weeks. The distraction of family and friends was a welcome one and I honestly didn't have time to think about anything else but those who were around me.
Coming back to Florida was hard because I a) missed my family and my home and b) had to face myself during periods of silence again...a self I haven't been a huge fan of lately.
I've been feeling much better this week about coming back to FL. Not as sad or desperate for home like I was 48 hours post-landing but the thickness of my spiritual crisis is still very evident.
Tonight, I went to my first Esther bible study in three weeks. Abby couldn't come and I debated going myself but I knew it would be for my benefit so I went alone.
I sat in a room with a bunch of women I don't know and began watching a message that must have been custom spoken for me. I'm not that arrogant, but I can't imagine it being a coincidence.
AMAZING! She spoke about being brave, about facing our fears about how we are never one mistake away from God leaving us. He's waiting for us to figure it out and get our act together and that although he is readily available and loving, sometimes our complacency and poor decisions can cause us to miss His calling. I don't ever want to miss His calling.
Then she spoke about herself...her battles over the last 14 months and amazingly, they matched mine! This amazing woman of God was dealing with junk I was dealing with! Working through issues I've been ashamed to admit. She challenged us to walk through our worst case scenarios and as I did, I felt the chains breaking...like the links on my spiritual hand cuffs were starting to bend and snap...not all the way, but enough to gain movement...enough to make a difference, a start.
My eyes welled with tears (those of you who know me, know I'm not a cryer) and I quickly dried them to avoid awkward looks from a room full of strangers but I felt something! SOMETHING! Something other than fatigue and frustration. SOMETHING...and I'm clinging to it, desperately.
As she closed her lesson she prayed, "God, we will be tested on this very thing in 24 hours...remind us of this moment."
I need that...I need those moments to carry me through the 'real life' ones. I need the reminder...and I am realizing that my problem boils down to two very specific things: A lack of peace due to a lack of unconditional trust.
Trusting that God is good regardless...trusting that when I am in Him, He is in me. Trusting in the greater good...trusting that even if my worst fears come to pass, He'll pick me up and we'll start over, together. Trusting that I'm worthy of Him.
I have no idea if this makes sense and honestly, it may be TMI. Who knows.
I don't like to talk about things, I like to write about them. I'm not a talker...I'm a writer...so I write these things for my benefit and the benefit of anyone who needs to hear them.
I am still at a stand still as to how I feel about organized church, living in the bible belt and man made doctrine, but I am beginning to think that's OK...perhaps I am moving closer to Him because of these questions and 'feelings'.
I'm excited about popping out of these cuffs...and raising my hands passionately towards Heaven when I do. I may be limping, but I'll be better for it.