American Idol: A Tale of Victorious Loss

First, let me tell you about a dream I had a week ago:
I dreamed that I was at the American Idol auditions and I found a wad of money on the ground. People told me to keep it, but I turned it in. I waited a long time to audition but then never got the chance to.
Now about the actual day: It all began at 3:30am when the alarm went off. After getting ready, Jay and I hit the road at 4:30am. We were stuck in American Idol traffic until about 5:45am. After finding a place to park and walking to the arena from the parking lot, we arrived at about 6:30am. The camera's were rolling, catching all of the craziness as it unfolded. Michael Jackson look-alikes, drag queens, Zorro, cat woman, a Caucasian man with full Indian head dress on...then there were the guitar players, strumming and singing loudly all around us...the wanna-be diva's, SCREAMING power ballads...the smell of hair spray, perfume and pot filled the air. We stood outside for about 2 more hours, watching Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell interview people for the TV guide channel. Once the doors opened, everyone flocked to their seats in the arena. It was packed. about 12,000 people, if not more.
Once seated we had to sing the song 'Heartbreaker' as a group. We did this about 10 times while they filmed us..then we had to do the wave and say in unison, "I'm going to Disney World. Woo." I felt like a performing monkey.
Then Nigel Lythgoe took the microphone and explained the process. On the floor of the arena they set up 12 tables, separated by curtains. We would be called by sections, seperated into groups of 4, and audition at one of the 12 tables. When it was time for us to approach the judge's table we were told (and I quote):
"Do not shake our hand. Do not introduce yourself, where you are from or what your name is. Just step forward and when the judge points to you, sing."
Alrighty then.
We were sitting in section 119. They announced that they would begin auditioning with section 120 and would be working clockwise around the arena. My jaw dropped. We were going to be dead last. Last, out of 12,000 people. Ugh.
The auditioning began around 9:30am. I practiced, we ate, we walked around, we walked around some more, we sat, we fell asleep sitting up, I updated my facebook status 100 times...It was a LONG day. We watched as hopefuls took their turn in front of the judges. It was mass chaos of singing and drama. If you were told 'yes' you were given a golden ticket and sent through the winners exit. If you were told 'no' you were stripped of your yellow, paper bracelet and sent through the losers exit. About one person every five minutes received a golden ticket but the majority were told, "Thanks, but no thanks."
I watched people with AMAZING voices walk through the dreaded losers exit. Some were lucky enough to earn the golden ticket. I watched a lot of crazy people with costumes walk through the winners exit. About an hour before I auditioned, a transvestite with a long, blond wig and a mini-dress made it through and Jay said, 'If he makes it and you don't, I'm going to be so ticked."
He made it. I didn't. Jay was so ticked.
As I sat there for extended periods of time, watching the craziness, listening to the hopefuls, one thought ran through my head over and over:
"I wonder what Caden is doing right now?"
I missed him. I've left him before...I've left him for many nights consecutively before..but this was different. I began to think about what life would be like if I made it all the way in this competition...how I would miss Caden's 4th birthday...how someone else would be watching my little boy, someone else would know his routine, someone else would be his protector, teacher and guardian. I remembered how much Jay and I have sacrificed for me to stay home and I began stressing about what my life would be like if I won. I looked around and saw people stressed about not making it and here I was stressed about getting through!
Auditions were taking forever until about 4 sections away from us. Then they seemed to speed up. It was about 5pm and it seemed as though they weren't letting anyone through at this point. Very few golden tickets.
I made my way to the bathroom one last time before my section was called and on my way there the girl in front of me accidentally dropped a wad of cash and kept on walking. A few people saw it happen but did nothing. I picked it up and called out to her, "Excuse me, you dropped some money."
She turned around and said, "Wow, thanks. I didn't even notice."
She seemed surprised at my honesty, thanked me again and walked away. I walked into the bathroom and suddenly froze. I remembered my dream. I ran back to the auditorium to tell Jay about it. His first response was, "Weird! How did your dream end?!?!"
I hesitated but said quietly, "I didn't get to audition."
Jay noted how angry he would be if they cut things off after having waited around all day but soon enough it was section 119's turn to audition and I headed towards the floor. Jay had to stay in the stands but based on my exit, he would know whether I lost or won.
I lined up with 3 other people. Benny was on my right. He was the strangest person I've ever met. He had no song prepared and asked me to teach him, 'Oh Happy Day' while walking towards the judge. I tried to sing it for him but told him he really needed to sing something he knew. He insisted 'Oh Happy Day' would be a good choice. I felt bad for him but wanted to slap him at the same time. How could you not have a song prepared, Benny!
Then there was a tall Asian guy named J.P next to me and a pretty blond girl on the end. They were really nice and came with a large group from their church in south Florida to audition. Their friends were scattered throughout the audition tables. One of their friends was a short, chubby guy with thick, black glasses. He auditioned at the table next to us and had one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard.
When we got to our table, the judge didn't look like a judge at all. He was a skinny, pale guy in his 30's who looked like a creep that sold cigarettes to kids or performed illegal tattoos. Not what I was expecting.
The girl on the end leaned over to me and said, "I hope he doesn't stab us if we're bad."
We laughed.
Benny went first and did the most horrible rendition of 'Oh Happy Day' I've ever heard. Poor guy. The judge started day dreaming and starring off into space while he sang. Benny actually got to sing for about 35 seconds because the judge was in la-la land for 30 seconds of it. When he remembered where he was, he stopped Benny and said, "Can you sing another song?"
Benny broke out with Mariah Carey and my heart hurt for him. He was dreadful and he had waited ALL day.
Then it was my turn. I knew he probably wasn't an easy-listening music fan but I stepped forward and began singing, "Moon Shadow" by Cat Stevens because I felt good about it. I was calm and I was doing (in my opinion) a great job. The judge did not make eye contact with me and stopped me two lines in, asking me to sing something else. I had prepared a couple of songs but I figured the one he might like the best was, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, so I started singing that one. He lost interest after the first note, eyes wandering all over the stadium just as they had with Benny. I sang for about 2 more lines and he waved me away. I knew in that moment it was over for me and Benny.
My new friends stepped forward one at a time to sing. They not only had AMAZING voices but amazing looks...and through our conversations I knew that they were there to use the talents God gave them for His glory. In that moment I thought, "If I really want to see God's will done, then I won't care whether He uses me to complete it or somebody else, as long as His will is accomplished."
I knew one of them was going to make it through...but they didn't. Our judge didn't watch any of us sing. He stopped both of them after 10 seconds and asked them to sing different songs. Then he gave them another 10 seconds before cutting them off completely, like he did to me. Benny got the most time out of all of us.
He called the four of us forward and told us, "You all have great voices but you're just not ready. Try singing in front of people, work on it and come back next year."
My dream from a week before was truly prophetic. I never really got a chance to audition.
I walked out with my new friends and Benny. Benny mumbled something like, "I know I'm good, I just got nervous." Poor Benny. He really thought he was.
When we got outside we were joined by literally everyone who had been auditioning for the last 45 minutes. The cameras were put away long before our time came to sing. The cleaning crew were picking up trash and shutting off lights. We stayed all day only to be passed over quickly so the judges could get the heck out of there.
Had I been determined to win, that would have made me CRAZY angry...but I wasn't at that point. I knew I didn't want it. I was a little irritated that the judge grouped my talent in with Benny's with his, 'You all have great voices' comment, but I was satisfied. My prayers were answered. I didn't make it through because it would have been bad for my family.
The losers exit took you straight outside, into the rain. With no bracelet and no ticket, I couldn't get back in so I waited on the losers stairs for 20 minutes for Jay to find me. That was the worst part of the day...wanting Jay and not knowing where he was. I watched everyone walk out of the losers exit, crying, cursing, screaming, bewildered and shocked about not making it. Some had legitimate reasons to be upset. The chubby guy with the glasses who's voice was flawless, joined us on the losers stairs. No one was making it through at this point. I told him his voice was so good it intimidated me and he smiled, gave me a hug and headed home. He should have made it.
Finally I heard a faint, "KATHY!" from across the parking lot. There was Jay. My favourite human. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of me. We left the Amway Arena at 7pm after having been on the go for 16 hours and we ate a big, dirty feed at Longhorn. We went back to the hotel where Nevin not only let us share his hotel room but he slept on the fold out couch so I could have the big comfy bed. He cursed American Idol and offered to burn down the Amway. I declined his offer but appreciated it. I took a hot bath, made some tea and began to read all of the facebook comments and messages I had received throughout the day. Overwhelmed by love and support I climbed into bed at 9:30, sleeping like a rock until 6:30 this morning.
On the drive home, Jay and talked about how hard life would have been if I had made it on the show. We talked about all of the things we would miss about the way our lives are now. I shuttered at the thought of being away from my family.
The song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds came on the Ipod while we were driving:
"...And in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize and I know that I am the luckiest."
That's how I felt when Jay finally found me outside of the arena. Overwhelmingly in love with my life, just the way it is.
I don't regret trying out...in fact, I think I was meant to. I never have to wonder what would have happened and the experience gave me a brand new appreciation for everything I already have and an excitement for the future God has for me.
In the end, I didn't win but I did live happily ever after. The End.