American Idol

So, I debated going public with this...but I go public with everything else, so I might as well!
Tomorrow morning, Jay and I will be getting up super-dooper early and heading to Orlando for the American Idol auditions.
I am still questioning whether I should do this...Jay said this morning, "Here's how I know you should do it. Because it couldn't be a worse time."
He wasn't being sarcastic.
We're broke, we shouldn't be leaving work after just getting back from vacation and my throat/ears/lungs are filled with the nastiness from the Tallahassee air (every time I go up north and come back, it wreaks havoc on my lungs) but we're going for it anyway!
We register tomorrow and then audition on Thursday. Should be an insane 48 hours but we'll see what happens!
At first I didn't think I could go, because I didn't have anywhere to stay and we couldn't afford a hotel...then, out of nowhere, my good friend Nevin says, "Hey, I'll be in Orlando for a conference in July. I get in on the 8th."
The same day I needed to be there! He has graciously offered for Jay and I to bunk in his hotel room....rub-a-dub-dub, I might be sleeping in the tub, but that's ok! It's a place to stay and I am so thankful for it. Thanks Nevin!
Then I thought about Caden and how we can't leave him for a few days right now...he's not in school for the summer and Amber has to work...there's nowhere for him to go. Then Kelley graciously offered to watch him for us...and Caden LOVES Kelley...so that was one less thing to worry about.
So then I began thinking, "Could that be a coincidence? That my friend from Atlantic Canada is going to be in central Florida the same day I need to be there? That Kelley is available and willing to watch Caden while we're gone?"
Maybe...but maybe not.
On top of that, I've been studying Esther and the process she had to go through in order to be chosen by the King was quite similar to this type of contest (minus sleeping with a King)...the scriptures talk about how she found favor with everyone...even the women she was competing against! There was no reason for Esther to have stuck out like that, except for God's blessing on her, oozing through her pores. God made her appealing to everyone she cam in contact with...she was pleasant to look at but also pleasant to be with...God made her stick out, in a good way.
So that is my prayer. If this is the road God has for me, he will make me stick out in a good way...there will just be something about me that people will like and remember and I'll know it's Him. If this is not what God has for me, I want to blend in like wallpaper. I want to be one of the other girl's in the Esther story...who eventually went back to her family and pursued a different path.
I can't in good faith do this thing without thinking, 'What if I make it all the way? What will that mean for my family? How could this help us? How could this hurt us?'
To be able to make a good living for my family while doing something I love is the main reason I'm doing this...I really have no desire to be a 'star' even though I do love music and really want to make money by doing something I love so much. My drive is for Jay and Caden...and if this lifestyle won't be good for us...if it will keep me away too much...if it will drive a wedge in my family, then I don't want it. I pray to not be good enough and be sent home on Thursday if this path is bad for me and my family. I will honestly be contented either way because I'll know...God has this whole thing in His hands.
But if this is God's road for me, I pray that he would refine the gift He has given me...that His voice will burst through my mouth...that I won't be looked over because I'm wearing a 9 dollar dress...that I'll stick out, in a good way...and that my voice will be a pleasing sound to the judges, the producers and most importantly, to Him.
So pray for me. Pray for confidence, pray against fear. Pray that I'll be in the right place and the right time...and that God's will is done...whether that means a 'golden ticket' or a scenic drive back to Tallahassee.
Thanks friends! I'm off to see Ryan Seacrest!