I Hate Saturdays

I do. Saturdays are a huge bummer because it feels like it's the weekend for everyone except us. I know, I know...cry me a river...but it's probably my least favourite day of the week now that they are non-negotiable work days for Jay. No one is available to play with me...I feel like the fat kid in gym all over again.
I usually don't leave my house on Saturdays because the roads, stores and parks are filled with families having the day off together. Makes me sick. Haha.
Just kidding, I'm not that bitter...just a teeny weeny bit bitter.
I am currently playing fetch with my son. I am tossing a bag of Halls cough supressants and he is bringing them back to me. You may think this is cruel but he honestly seems to be enjoying it and it makes it possible for me to write a blog.
So my doctors appointment was a horrible joke.
Let me set the scene.
I go in with Caden who is not having a good day and sit for 30 minutes in an exam room. As I look around the walls, I notice some vintage looking cartoons framed as art....advertising CIGARETTES!!! One poster said, "Doctors choose Marlboros!" If that's even how you spell it. At this point with a screaming toddler and a freaky doctors office, I'm ready to bolt.
I finally give Caden two tongue depressors and he proceeds to play drums on a lamp which he continues doing the entire visit.
Dr. Wierdo comes in and I tell him about my symptoms and how they have been reocurring every few weeks since April, that I've lost alot of weight and am worried about becoming weak when I'm home with Caden alone. He barely listened, never looked at me once and proceeded to give me four prescriptions and called it a day. He guarenteed me I'd be feeling better in 10 days...which I already knew because that's the nature of the sickness...it comes and goes. I also told him I've been having some discomfort in my chest, which I had to remind him about at the end of the visit and he said, "Probably just heartburn, take the meds."
Like I'm an idiot who has no idea what heartburn is.
Hello? I've been pregnant before!
Never even listened with the stethescope!
Basically had no interest in diagnosing anything or getting to the route of a problem, just wanted to medicate it away....and the prescriptions he gave me are all available over the counter so he told me to, "get whichever one's cheaper."
That ticks me off, especially now that I have to pay an arm and a leg for health care. Since I pay out of pocket app. $3640.00 a year for Caden and I to be insured (this does not include co-pays, prescriptions or extra billing for emergency rooms or specialists) I want tests run! I'm not a hypocondriac, but I do know when there is something wrong with my body, and I want to know what it is. Diagnose THEN medicate if needed.
American Health Care cost IS my soap box.
Needless to say I wasted a co-pay and am on the search for a new doctor.
Anyone have a good one to recommend? In the Tallahassee area preferably. :)

Under the Weather

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been a little under the weather.
What does that mean anyway??
Who knows.
I'm actually going to break down and go to the doctor today. This is probably the 4th or 5th time this has happened since the begining of April. Every few weeks I get a crazy burning stomach and I get really sick. It's been nice for the weightloss effort...but not so good for the over health. I've lost about 14 pounds since this whole thing started. Usually in the weeks that I am not sick, I gain back 3-4 pounds but it never fails that I will get sick and loose it all again. Vicious cycle.
So it is off to my wierdo dr I go...because getting into a new doctor in America takes 50 years so you pretty much have to stick to the one you've got...mine happens to be a wierdo. I'm not saying that to be hateful...I'm sure he knows it about himself :) And his nurse assistant is really nice so they balance eachother out.
I must get a shower, make a doctors appointment, and then Caden and I are off to the hospital for Baby Music therapy time...very holistic and earthy time where we celebrate sign language and music. It is a free program done by the university to study children and music. He doesn't really have any interested in sign, but he loves music. Caden has a personal assesment today. I hope it goes well! Mostly I hope he is not cranky because that is his nap time.
Better get going!

Night in the Studio

I stole these shots from Jerad, who stole them from Lance, who is a crazy awesome photographer (www.glancephoto.com) and Electric guitar player in the gc.tv worship band, who just happened to bring his big, honkin camera to our first ever studio recording last Tuesday.
One lifelong ambition down, several hundred more to go...
Thanks gc.tv for making it happen.

Slacker Mom

According to the TODAY show this morning, Mom's tend to fall into 2 categories.

1) Alpha Mom: Ultra organized, efficient, appearing flawless and pulled together.
2) Beta Mom or Slacker Mom: Laid back, scatter brain, lives in the moment.

It turns out that these sectors of mommy-ness both appreciate and are sometimes jealous of eachother.
The Alpha mom wishes she could be more laid back and easy going. She wishes she didn't feel so much pressure to get everything done...from immaculate housecleaning to baking cupcakes for the PTA.
The Beta Mom wishes she could be more organized and accomplished. If at all, she shows up 30 minutes late for the PTA meeting, looking like she just escaped a wind storm with a bag of Doritos she snagged at the gas station, wondering how super Alpha mom gets it all done.

It was really interesting.

I am 100% a slacker mom and up until today was frustrated with myself for being one. There are days when I play chase and peek-a-boo for hours while the laundry just sits there...and many times my child has shown up to church with mismatched socks or a hint of breakfast on his face but at the end of the day, he's happy and healthy.
I don't wash the pacifier everytime it falls on the floor, my car is an absolute disaster area with a very interesting odor and try as I may, I am usually 5 minutes late for everything but strangely, the world stays on it's axis regardless.

The truth is that I am with Caden 24/7, and most days it's just the two of us from 9-8 and if I try to operate outside of myself, I'm going to burn out.

So I shall embrace my slacker mom self and relish in the freedom of doing so and
I apologize to anyone who is negatively affected by it :)

The Men in my Life

For those who don't know the men in my life, these pictures do a great job of showing who they are.
The pictures of my husband and my son perfectly show their relationship with eachother. Jay is without a doubt the leader of our home. He provides for us in every area and guides us with strength and assurance. We trust him completely. He is amazing with Caden. When daddy is needed he is only a hand hold away, but he does an awesome job of giving Caden just the right space that he needs to be an independent toddler. He is also a ball of energy just like Caden...the two of them are 100% boy and are a perfect match for eachother. It's almost as if they get the same evil thoughts at the exact same time.
Jason - "Mommy will probably freak if I dangle you over a fountain during our family photo shoot"
Caden - "Let's do it, Dad!"

Jason,
This Father's Day I want you to know how proud I am of you and how much I love you. You're my best friend, my partner in crime and my soft place to fall. You pretty much rock and I wonder everyday how I could deserve you. I've learned not to question my blessings. Instead I will be thankful for them and will continue to thank God for bridging a gap between two different worlds and bringing us together. Caden is a blessed boy to have such a cool dad.

Next is my dad with a bag of chips by a tree.
My Dad is a lover of God, Family, solitude, nature, junk food and large vegetation. Dad views trees the way that most of us view outerspace or the development of the human body....with utter amazement. Since Newfoundland bears a more northern vegetation, my father fell completely in love with Florida's natural beauty when he came to visit and during Caden's birthday party had his picture taken next to this tree in Tom Brown Park. This picture makes me smile.
I've written and raved about my Father and what an amazing man he is many times before so at the risk of being too repetitve and giving him a big head, I'm not going to do that this Father's Day.
Instead I will talk about me!

Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline and tears,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,
Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.
Before I was myself you made me, me

With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,

Relinquishing your powers gradually
To let me shape myself among my peers.
Before I was myself you made me, me,

And being good and wise, you gracefully
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free.

For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.

-Dimitri Shostakowitch

Happy Father's Day to the Men in my Life.

Growing Up

Caden is getting bigger, smarter and more independent everyday.
He eats with a big boy fork all by himself


He wears big boy pajamas


He even helps clean up!

Attitude Change

I always get irritated with myself when I wallow in my own sorrow for too long. After a little while I slap myself across the face and say, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
I am a huge believer in happiness being a choice more so than an emotion, and once again I have evaluated my pros and cons and have decided that I have alot to be happy about.
I broke down and went to a Mom's group in Tallahassee the other day and in all honesty, it was really nice! The day flew by and I met some nice women. Caden played really well and interacted with everyone. He's less and less afraid of other childen everyday :) I think that being able to walk has alot to do with it. He knows that he can get away from them if they annoy him too much :)
Tuesday we went to the Library for Book Babies and I met some great women and found a Mom's group in my area that welcomed me with open arms.
As an extrovert, I draw my energy from other people. It is amazing what just getting out and meeting people can do.
Yesterday I cashed in on my Mother's Day massage and facial...it was awesome. I wish I could do that every few days. I think I want to turn my house into a spa. Get rid of the bed and sleep on a massage table, play soft celtic music all day with trickling water in the background...Awwwww.
Last night I dreamed that I had to have surgery to remove a tumor in my stomach but I was trying to shop for the cheapest surgery at Walmart. I woke up laughing. Not about the tumor, but about the shopping. Some of the surgeries came with nice robes and slippers...
Today is a bit slower paced. It's 11:20 and I'm still in my pjs, but I think Caden and I will go to the beach this afternoon.
I find that having things to look forward to makes everday more positive.
For instance...
Tomorrow I am going to a music therapy program for babies at the hospital.
Sunday is church. I love church.
Next week I am going to visit my good friend Carey and her munchkins in Fort Walton Beach.
In July, Jay's parents are meeting us at Disney World for some fun with Mickey.
In August, my Mom is coming for a week, followed by a friend of mine who is coming for a month! SO EXCITING!
In September, Jay and I will celebrate 4 years of marriage.
In October, we get to dress Caden up in something cute for Halloween.
In November...Hmmm...what happens in November....It'll start to feel comfortable in Florida! Oh ya...and American Thanksgiving.
Ok, Maybe I should take it one day at a time.
Either way, I'm happy...and that's a good choice.

glancephoto.com

My friend Lance is an AMAZING photographer who offered to take some photo's of us for his new website. www.glancephoto.com will be fully launched on June 25th, but you can get a sneak peek at the pics he took of us at www.glancephoto.com/stockfamily
If I do say so myself, they are pretty awesome.
Thanks Lance. Memories are a precious gift.

Complacency

I didn't plan on having children so soon. I never really planned on having children at all. I mean, I never wrote it off, but I'm only 23 years old. In my mind I had a lot of time to think about that and plan it out. I wanted to enjoy being married for a long time before introducing kids into the mix. To be honest, I've never really been a big fan of kids.
Well, I'm just being honest.
I worked at summer camps and was even a youth pastor for a year but was always pretty uncomfortable talking to kids and getting on their level. My husband tells me I'm good with children, but it's totally a front. Inside I am a bundle of nerves, waiting for their parents to come and get them.
Now babies were completely foreign to me. I had never changed a diaper, never prepared a bottle or given a baby a bath. I've always loved babies because they are cute and you can't get caught in awkward conversations with them like you can older kids...but I never had alot of exposure. I was the youngest of all the grandchildren by a mile and there were never any babies around except the scattered one at Christmas or my grandmother's birthday get-togethers. I honestly had no clue how they worked.
Fast forward to Caden. Precious little man who I never exactly planned but am overwhelmingly thankful for. I remember finding out I was pregnant and being terrified and honestly quite upset. As his due date grew closer my mentality changed and I was more than ready to meet him and begin raising him.
I remember the day I had him I wasn't able to walk because of the epidurel so the nurses took care of him. The following day I was confused as to why no one had come in to change his diaper...then it dawned on me....that was MY job.
I panicked.
I began changing him, having no clue what direction the diaper was suppose to face, and he peed, poop and threw up all at the same time. I remember whispering to him, "I can't do this!"
Lucky for him I got the hang of it.
From that moment until this one, I have been completely confident in my abilities to take care of him. I've had a few break downs where I've laid on the kitchen floor weeping but I quickly shake it off and continue on with the grind.
Recently however I am having emotional flashbacks to that moment in my hospital room when I whispered, "I can't do this!"
I love our new house but the lonliness of a small town is not something I've had to deal with in a long time. On top of that, Caden is in a very interesting stage of his life where he cannot talk, but has ALOT to say and gets crazy-postal angry when he can't tell me what he wants. Isolation + 24/7 whining baby = "I can't do this!"
I love being at home with him, and the thought of not being with him 8 hours a day makes me whell up with tears but somedays I think having a job outside of the house would be a nice mental break. Having a reason to dress up, being able to eat lunch without someone pointing to it and yelling, "DAT!"
Being able to run to the post office or make a quick trip to the grocery store on my way from here to there and not have to drag another body out of the car for a 2 minute trip. Having other adults to talk to and having a sense of accomplishment at the end of each task.
I'm not going to do it, not because it's wrong, but because I know myself and in all honestly the laughter with Caden out weighs the tears and the good times always out number and out weigh the bad.
However somedays I do day dream about it and go to monster.com.
I know all of the things I need to do to make life better for myself. I need to meet people, I need to get out of the house and find activities for us to do, I need to change my attitude and suck it up and I know that inevidibly I will, but right now I have to say I am doubting myself and I am emotionally tired. Very, very tired.
LUCKILY, my mom is coming in August and that'll be a breath of fresh air. As much as having my mom around would be helpful when I need childcare in a pinch or when I need to run some errands, I mostly wish my mom was around just to keep me company. After that I have a few other scheduled visits from close friends so the future looks bright and less lonely.
I often times hesitate writing anything of depth on this blog because I don't want to be asked how I am or viewed a certain way by the people I love..but anyone who knows me knows that I HATE talking about my feelings face to face and this is my venue for doing it, but no worries friends, I'll be fine. Just venting at the ventilation station.

WARNING: EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CUTENESS

This week Caden and I drove up to Atlanta to see Baby Ava and her awesome mom, Julie. Caden, who generally is terrified of other babies, did very well with Ava. He slept well, he travelled well. It is always very rejuvenating to see friends that I've missed so much and to spend time with another person who is in the exact same boat as me. Someone who can validate my feelings and struggles and offer empathy and understanding. Someone who can crack up with me about the comedy and joy of being a stay-at-home parent and make me feel less alone. I miss them already.

I find the only way for me to stay calm when driving through downtown Atlanta is to turn my music up really loud and sing passionately at the top of my lungs. I assume this probably cracks up anyone travelling around me who happens to catch my American Idol-esque performance. Last week Jerad made the worship team a CD of the songs we would be doing in church so we could practice and even though there were only four songs on it, I listened to that thing over and over on our trip. Two of them are the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, musically and lyrically.

There's a line in one of them that says,
"Let now the poor stand and confess that my portion is him and I'm more than blessed."

That blew me over on the way home yesterday.

I just pictured those who have nothing, standing and proclaiming that they have more than enough through Christ. That makes me want to fall on my face, getting as low to the ground as I can and praise God for who He is.
Like anyone I worry about money from time to time. I obsessively worry about the safety of my family and the well-being of my child. I experience moments of intense lonliness being so far from family and friends...but my portion is Him...and if all else falls away I have enough through God.
That is a serious silver lining to any cloud that floats overhead.

photorific

"How does this thing work?"


"Now I've got the hang of it!"


I can't figure out if I like this rug here. Honest opinions would be appreciated.


We won this on Ebay. Usually he likes to sit on the floor facing it so he can look at Elmo. Either way it was a good win.


Caden had a really bad rash so we decided to shed the diaper for the afternoon. As if Sampson isn't freaked out enough by him when he's clothed...


My little exhibitionist