Humbled

Today was a humbling experience for me. Leading worship for the first time with just a microphone in my hand and no keyboard to hide behind...I was scared to death preparing for the services this morning.
I am not a performer by any stretch of the imagination. I get shakey and stupid when I focus on how many eyes are on me...and as much as I could do without the production side of church, I enjoy the bright lights that shine on the stage because they make it difficult for me to see how many people are really out there in the congregation.
I've been struggling all week with sickness..nothing major, just common cold/flu stuff, but this type of bug is detrimental to the vocal chords. In sound check this morning my voice was anything but at it's peak. I was getting increasingly more nervous as the morning went on. I was also getting very nervous about talking and leading people in prayer. Sometimes I get way too caught up in trying to think of something deep and intellectual to say that I loose all train of thought and end up sounding like a wierdo.
I used the bathroom for the kazillionith time before the countdown began for the first service and while in the stall (interesting visual, I know) I just thanked God for the opportunity to serve Him in a way I love. I prayed that the sacrifice of praise we would be making would be pleasing to his senses and that He would humble me.
We went on stage and God took over. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't perfect. There were plenty of moments where my voice cracked and went in and out, but I was completely calm and at peace with the fact that perfection didn't matter. Authenticity matters. People were not going to respond to my perfect pitch..they were going to respond to God working through me...and the only way God will do that is if I admit I can do nothing on my own. I closed my eyes and sang to Him and I could hear the shouts of joy and exclamations of praise coming from the congregation because of what god was doing.
It was an incredible experience. To feel God's presence in that way. To lead with my voice and hear other voices worshipping along. Afterwards, I returned to the bathroom (I drank ALOT of water this morning) and thanked Him again. I just looked up and said, "I think I love you more now than I did this morning. Help me never to be proud of what 'I' do, help me only to be blessed by what 'You' do."
I don't love God more in this moment because he gave me stuff or because he made the set go well...I love Him more because he demonstrated (once again) how incredibly faithful and loving He is. His love and mercy is immeasurable. It's mindblowing.
The band rocked out this morning too. They sounded SO STINKIN GOOD. Thanks Lance and everybody for handling everything while I recooped. You're a talented bunch and I'm proud to minister with you.
In the past few months God has been shaping me, guiding me, directing me, challenging me, annoying me, helping me, showing me, leading me, testing me, and preping me...all to let me know He's not done with me yet. Someone prophesied over me a few months ago that 'The call on my life has not changed' and in that moment I felt like my spiritual wheels started turning....Having poured every moment of the last 2 years into full-time motherhood I wasn't focusing on anything but Caden but now I see and independence rising up in him, reminding me that as much as it is my job to raise him right, it's also my job to let him go...and when that happens I don't want to look back at my life and regret not stepping out in faith down the path that God has chosen for me...afterall, 'the call on my life hasn't changed.'
I may be rambling, the point is that I am humbled. Humbled by God and all that He is, for what He's done, what He's doing and what He's going to do in my life and the lives of those around me. Humbled that He places His voice in my mouth and gives me opportunities to enjoy using it and leading with it. It's awesome. I'm floored.