Healer

Jerad asked me to lead the song, 'Healer' on Sunday and I quickly said 'yes' without really thinking about it. When I looked up the lyrics to practice, I suddenly found myself wondering if I'd be able to utter such words:

"You heal all my disease"

I know that He can heal disease, but coming out of a recent circumstance where I diligently prayed for a person's healing, only to learn that they passed away made it difficult for me to sing this with confidence...and I don't like to sing a lie.

The rest of the song I believed with fervency: "You hold my every moment, you calm my raging seas, you walk with me through fire....I trust in you, I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need..."

But "You heal ALL my disease" was troubling to me.

I wrestled with it, wondering if I was going to have to call Jerad back and tell him that in good conscience, I couldn't sing something I wasn't sure I believed. Don't get me wrong, I believe He is good...I believe He is just...I just wasn't convinced in that moment that He heals all of our diseases.

A few weeks ago I attended church alone with Caden while Jay rested at home with a head cold. I felt strangely introverted, very unlike me...I didn't want to talk to anyone or make eye contact...I felt lonely and uncertain without Jay by my side. It was a weird feeling for me. Jay usually has to drag me out of a social setting because I stop and talk to every soul along my path, but not this particular day...I was intimidated about being without him in the crowd.
In the midst of the service, it hit me that this would be my cousin's reality should his wife pass away, leaving him alone to raise their six year old daughter. The band started singing "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" and I lost it. I sat in the dark sanctuary, faced the wall as to not attract attention and sobbed...because in that moment, I was him. I feel as though it was one of the first times in my life that I ever, truly interceded and prayed for someone. I feel like for a moment I was able to feel a tiny fraction of the discomfort and sadness and loneliness of losing a spouse and I wept and wept and wept for him...I prayed, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..." but it wasn't my rescue I needed Him to come to...it was Jonathan's.

Two weeks later, Shelly passed away.

It dawned on me in the midst of this lyrical, internal struggle that this life isn't all there is...that our souls were made for eternity and that death, in a way, is a healing. Pastor Brian later spoke on that very thing...about how when we say death is healing, it isn't a cop out or an excuse because God didn't do what we thought He should...it's truth. This is why Shelly didn't 'lose' her battle with cancer...she is victoriously healed right now.

I ended up singing the song and I believe it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had leading worship because I believed, wholeheartedly, after MUCH thought and consideration, every word that was coming out of my mouth and I was focused more on that than I was the tickle in my throat or the chilly temperatures in the sanctuary. It was a beautiful and raw moment between me and God and I am humbled that I was able to share it with a room full of people who needed to hear the message.

The fact that God uses me in spite of myself is always mind boggling for me. I just thought I'd share one way in which He did that this week.