Epic Fail

The other night I had a lot of thoughts running through my head that I wanted to write down. This always happens to me late at night when I'm trying to get to sleep. God inspires me with a thought and I usually can't sleep until I type it out of my system. This particular night though, I desperately wanted to go to sleep. I said, "I'll do it tomorrow, I promise!" and I tossed and turned until eventually, I fell asleep.
The next day my computer died. Out of the blue, with no warning...it just powered off, broke down and still will not turn back on...it's dead.
Coincidence? Maybe. But I think next time I'll get out of bed when the feeling arises...just in case...
Lucky for me, Amber's laptop is sitting here and she is kind enough to share her technology. So I am going to attempt to write what I felt God lay upon my heart to write about the other night, and hope that He can still use it, despite my tardiness

Caution: It's Long.

For those of you who did not know, Jay and I currently own a house in the tiny town of Crawfordville, Florida...about a 45 commute from Tallahassee. In April 2007, we purchased our first home. Jay was doing well at work, selling high end fitness equipment, I was staying at home with Caden, we had two families of close friends in Crawfordville that helped us with Caden and kept us company...things were great. Jay had a motorcycle that he drove back and forth to Tallahassee so even though gas was expensive, we weren't spending a whole lot on commuting. I would go into Tallahassee maybe twice or three times a week for church and socializing...in the beginning, it was great.
Within the year, both of the families we knew in Crawfordville moved away. We were sad to see them go but happy that they were moving onto bigger and better things. We began to feel very secluded and lonely in the country and realized we were city mice so we put the house on the market...things were slow but that was OK because we didn't 'have' to move...we just 'wanted' to. The housing market began to crash and because of the crippled economy, Jay was selling less and less fitness equipment. When people stop buying houses, they stop buying high end toys to put in them. Since his salary was commission based, our family income began a steady decline. To supplement, I went back to work part-time and Caden started attending daycare, 2-3 days a week. The income kept declining so I started working full-time and Caden began attending daycare from 8:00-5:30 every day. Since the entire family was commuting to Tallahassee everyday we were burning gas like crazy and driving 45 minutes in each direction, which was really hard on then 2-year-old Caden. Jay decided to sell his motorcycle to help with the budget. I have a lump in my throat even writing that. He loved that bike so much and I swear, he'll have another one, a huge, sick Harley someday.
Jay changed jobs and began selling advertising for WAYFM but that was a commission based job too and businesses weren't buying advertising just like families weren't buying fitness equipment. Each day we left the house at 7am, drove into the city, everyone went to work/school and at 5:30pm we were all in the car again, heading home. With traffic we were home by 6:30 just in time to feed Caden dinner, give him a bath and put him to bed.
I was miserable. Completely guilt ridden because I never saw my child, my house was a wreck from always being in a rush, we were all alone in a town with no friends and we were stuck in a mortgage payment that was sucking us dry. It was horrid...but in the midst of it all, we worked hard and did what we had to do.
We could not have predicted any of this. We didn't know when we moved into our 'dream home' that it would go so poorly. We didn't know we'd be so miserable in that city. We didn't know our family income would be literally cut in half. We didn't know we'd have to drain our savings more and more each month just to make the mortgage payment...we just didn't know...
Finally we did a lot of research about short sales and decided it was the only way we were going to sell our home before we just couldn't afford to live there anymore so we solicited the help of a local real estate office who have been really wonderful.
In January, I was called into my boss's office and asked if I would mind giving up my next pay cheque, that I had already worked 2 weeks for...apparently my family weren't the only people in trouble...my employer was too. I told her I could sacrifice half of the money I'd already earned and she let me know that they would try to pay me what they could...it was an unsettling situation. My boss was crying, noticeably experiencing her own unforeseen failure and out of nowhere, I started crying too! I told her how miserable I was working and how much I missed my son. We agreed to a voluntary layoff so I packed up my desk, hugged my co-workers and walked away, uncertain of the future. It turns out I would have been let go in a mass firing a week later anyway...
In February 2009, we had just enough money to make a really hard decision...we could use it to move into a cheaper apartment in the city (hire a moving truck, pay deposits, etc) or we could pay one more mortgage payment and be too broke to move AND too broke to stay the following month.
You have to understand that this is impossibly difficult for me to write...I'm not proud of this story. I never saw myself here...after years and years of working hard, paying off debt, tithing to church and people in need...I didn't think this would happen to me...I envisioned a glorious deliverance that still hasn't come...
We decided to move.
I'll admit, day to day life is easier now. I am home with my son and we're all healthier for it. My husband is managing a health club 3 seconds down the street from where we live and is not only doing an amazing job, but he loves doing it! We have taken on a roommate named Amber who is a fantastic addition to our family and we hardly drive anywhere anymore...but I am constantly reminded of the home that sits empty in Crawfordville. The place where we thought we'd live for a long, long time. There's a little boy's room out there with markings on the closet door frame, showing how much he's grown. The backyard where we once played and ran through the sprinkler is now grown over and weed ridden. Now we are in an apartment with white walls, questionable neighbours and not enough space for a dining room table. It's heart wrenching to think about. I am blessed to have my time back with my family but I wish it hadn't happened this way.
We failed. I am sobbing as I write this because failure hurts. It is embarrassing to know how some people view me now...it is frustrating to do everything 'right' and still have things end so wrong...I shutter to think about the conversations people have had about me, the relationships in my life that are forever changed because of this...failure is a good indicator of who your friends are...
Mostly, it hurts me for Jay...the hardest working, most brilliant, self-disciplined man I've ever known...I just want him to catch a break and to know that none of this has been his fault...instead, it is because of him that we have what we do have; a healthy, loving family with a roof over our heads and a happy little boy who couldn't care less where we live as long as there are lots of hugs and kisses there...
Why write this? Why make this public knowledge? In a world where so many thrive off of appearing as though they have it altogether, why divulge 'too much information' on the internet? Well, because God wanted me to...and because I think someone needs to hear that failure is an inevitable and necessary evil...a part of life that God has every intention of each human being having to deal with. Failure is not the absence of God or even necessarily the absence of right decision making...there isn't always someone to blame...it just is what it is...unpredictable and strengthening...I am different now because I've failed. I am stronger, I am wiser, I am a better woman, wife and mother because I fell on my face in a big puddle of failure. In hindsight, we had no business buying a home...we didn't have enough savings, we weren't financially secure, we didn't do enough research...we didn't know what we were getting into...Failure broke me and now I can be rebuilt.
We have a person who is very interested in our house and has been patient enough to wait out this short sale process with us...it's a very slow process....but we're hopeful we will not foreclose and will receive approval from the bank to sell the home for only slightly less than we owe on it. We are aware that our credit score will probably begin with a 4 when this is all said and done but we aren't slaves to it. We don't intend to finance anything ever again and we won't be buying another house anytime soon.
I once heard a father say about his college-aged son, "I'm not going to send him out into the world just to watch him fail."
I understand the concern of this father but withholding freedom to avoid failure is doing his child a disservice. Failure is not to be avoided...big failure is the result of big risk and is the undesired result of trying to obtain great things.
As much as it hurts, I would rather have tried, failed, and learned than to never have tried at all.