HOW?

I have a problem. A new and negative monster is rearing its ugly head in my life. I've never had to deal with this before because I have never felt this way until now. My actions don't really portray how I've been feeling (at least I don't think they have) and my husband (bless his heart) is really the only one up until now that has known about this new struggle, but I've decided to just lay it all out on the table. You can't change what you don't acknowledge - Dr. Phil
Lately I am finding that I am extremely negative and angry at everyone and everything. Well, not everyone and everything, but alot of people and alot of things. Anyone who is close to me knows some of the struggles that Jason and I have been going through, both long term and short term. I still believe that God is shaping us for something important and has placed us in various situations to test our strength and reliance on him and through that we have been striving for holiness in a way we never have before. I have alot of head knowledge as to what is important. For instance, God's opinion is more important than people's opinions. That's been a hard one for me to swallow. I know it's true, but being someone who wants everyone's approval, I havn't known how to deal (especially lately) with different personal struggles in my life. I didn't see it happening, but I have become very angry inside. Over and over in my head I play out scenerios in which people have hurt me or Jason and I get more and more mad and annoyed and bitter. I'm glad I recognize this, and I have taken several steps to stop feeling and thinking this way, but it's been really hard to let things go lately. I'm NOT a confrontational person at all, so I find myself telling people what I think and how I feel when their not actually around, in my head. I get fired up at people and they have no idea I'm even mad! I hate feeling this way, mostly because it hurts me and my relationship with God and gets nothing accomplished. I have prayed about it over and over, "God I don't want this, I give it to you I submit it to you, I am no good when I feel and think this way, I don't want it anymore, please take it from me." and within seconds I am back to thinking and fuming about what I just 'gave' to God, meaning I snatched it back without even recognizing it! It's almost subconsious. I don't even know I am dwelling on it until after 5 minutes of dwelling on it. I havn't been acting on these feelings because like I said, I'm not confrontational. It's more an inner rage that is silent but deadly. It's nothing violent or psychotic or anything (don't call the authorities, I'm ok!) in fact if I wasn't a christian it wouldn't be something that worried me, but the fact is that I am putting division between myself and God when I feel and think this way. I just want justice. More so for Jason than myself. If I was ever kicked in the face half as many times as he has been I'd still be on the ground, crying. That man is one of the strongest human beings on the planet. He has been just beaten down when he does the wrong things and the right things. He just never catches a break and he is so deserving having overcome all that he has overcome in his life.
I guess this is a time when I need more than ever to be sensitive to God's leading and I am so comsumed with 'self' that I don't know how to deal with some things that have come up in my life. Am I suppose to perservere or is God telling me to make a step of faith? Are we in the right place going through God ordained struggles or are we in the wrong place, frustrated by being out of God's will? Who knows.
All I know is that I need your prayers to overcome this battle with anger. I guess its a matter of unforgiveness. I'm unable to let things go and forgive people who havn't asked for forgiveness. That's one of the biggest things I think Jesus ever had to do. Was forgive the people who cheered for his death when he didn't deserve it and they didn't ask for forgiveness.
This is why I want so badly to be more and more like Christ. That kind of holiness is just incredible.