Today was the first break we've had from the smouldering heat since April or May. Today, was a beautiful day. I don't want to jinx anything by saying Fall has come, and honestly, 80 degrees doesn't constitute Fall in my opinion, but it was certainly a nice break. Tonight it feels just lovely.
The bedroom window is open, my husband just brought me home a caramel apple and we had a lovely family dinner outside on the deck. Picture perfect.
I have been itching to go home lately...breathing in the cooler air made today's daydreams about being in my mother's kitchen that much more vivid. I love the smell of fresh air mixed with yummy food. I miss looking out the window and seeing the tops of the evergreen trees while the cool evening air fills my nose, making me feel healthy and alive.
Today, even though I am still 2799 miles away, I was able to breathe in a little piece of home.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
To Be Like Jesus
I received a lot of feedback on my last post when I put it on my facebook. Almost 60 comments! Some were mortified by the title and saw it as blasphemous. Some were encouraged by the message of Jesus liberating the captive and freeing us to sin no more.
It was not my intent to offend anyone or to insult the name of Christ. My intention was to get back to the actual, true definition of a word...a beautiful word...that many have taken to mean something negative when it has SO many incredibly positive meanings like one who rejoices in freedom and one who gives abundantly. In that sense of the word, 'liberal' describes Jesus to a tee. Of course Jesus wouldn't push moral boundaries, encourage abortions or advocate for homosexual marriage...this interpretation of the word 'liberal' is exactly why posting this article meant so much to me...because I have been referred to as 'too liberal' time and time again, which according to the misinterpreted American political meaning, is hurtful for a Christ follower to hear.
You can be a Christian and be liberal. You can be a Christian and be conservative. You can be a Christian and be Republican. You can be a Christian and be a democrat. The point is, none of these terms can define us and we shouldn't make ourselves (or anyone else) fit into one of these boxes. Christ is the only definition by which we can truly see and know who we are. Assuming that a democrat lacks morality is unfair...just like assuming a Republican is uneducated and racist is unfair. I don't like to say things like, "I think Jesus would...etc" but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't care which category we fell into, as long as we are focused on loving Him and others. That's what it's all about.
My husband says I have become a bit of a 'shock jockey'. You have no idea how weird that is for me! Me, the one who cares deeply about how she is perceived by others, the one who use to tell on herself as a child if she did anything wrong, the one who cried herself to sleep if one of her kindergarten classmates got in trouble that day, the woman who hates confrontation, hates breaking the rules and hates pushing the token...how did I end up writing material that would challenge and sometimes disturb so many?
Who knows. It's a blessing and a curse I suppose.
I'll be honest, after I read the article "Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberator" I was so incredibly blessed. I read a story of life-saving redemption and salvation. I witnessed the powerful and loving, gracious and merciful hand of Christ and I couldn't wait to share it. Imagine my surprise when it received such an uproar! I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or just my lack of thick skin, but I began to question why I write, why I put myself out there, why I challenge people to new ways of thinking when it doesn't seem to change anything at all. I was folding clothes in my son's closet and a little tear streamed down my face so I said, 'Father, I need encouragement.'
Within a few minutes I received an email from someone I didn't even know read my stuff and she filled me with positive energy that reminded me that it matters...what I do and what I say, matters. Sometimes the negative responses will outweigh the positive but that doesn't mean defeat. It means, that by the grace of God, I said something powerful and if anyone knows me, they'll know my intent was to uplift, not to harm.
I often wish that Jesus would show up in the flesh and just tell me how to feel about things. I like it when life is black and white, when there are definite rights and wrongs but I'm learning, the older I get and the more people I meet, that there still exists a lot of gray area and that I shouldn't be arrogant enough to think that I've got it all figured out.
I praise God that He has given me a steadfast spirit and an ability to grow and learn, that work together simultaneously and at the end of the day, my desire is to make Him proud.
I'd like to thank everyone who reads my ramblings and responds. I love discussion and I love debate. I learn and grow so much as a person and I challenge others to be steadfast yet malleable. We're all works in progress.
It was not my intent to offend anyone or to insult the name of Christ. My intention was to get back to the actual, true definition of a word...a beautiful word...that many have taken to mean something negative when it has SO many incredibly positive meanings like one who rejoices in freedom and one who gives abundantly. In that sense of the word, 'liberal' describes Jesus to a tee. Of course Jesus wouldn't push moral boundaries, encourage abortions or advocate for homosexual marriage...this interpretation of the word 'liberal' is exactly why posting this article meant so much to me...because I have been referred to as 'too liberal' time and time again, which according to the misinterpreted American political meaning, is hurtful for a Christ follower to hear.
You can be a Christian and be liberal. You can be a Christian and be conservative. You can be a Christian and be Republican. You can be a Christian and be a democrat. The point is, none of these terms can define us and we shouldn't make ourselves (or anyone else) fit into one of these boxes. Christ is the only definition by which we can truly see and know who we are. Assuming that a democrat lacks morality is unfair...just like assuming a Republican is uneducated and racist is unfair. I don't like to say things like, "I think Jesus would...etc" but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't care which category we fell into, as long as we are focused on loving Him and others. That's what it's all about.
My husband says I have become a bit of a 'shock jockey'. You have no idea how weird that is for me! Me, the one who cares deeply about how she is perceived by others, the one who use to tell on herself as a child if she did anything wrong, the one who cried herself to sleep if one of her kindergarten classmates got in trouble that day, the woman who hates confrontation, hates breaking the rules and hates pushing the token...how did I end up writing material that would challenge and sometimes disturb so many?
Who knows. It's a blessing and a curse I suppose.
I'll be honest, after I read the article "Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberator" I was so incredibly blessed. I read a story of life-saving redemption and salvation. I witnessed the powerful and loving, gracious and merciful hand of Christ and I couldn't wait to share it. Imagine my surprise when it received such an uproar! I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or just my lack of thick skin, but I began to question why I write, why I put myself out there, why I challenge people to new ways of thinking when it doesn't seem to change anything at all. I was folding clothes in my son's closet and a little tear streamed down my face so I said, 'Father, I need encouragement.'
Within a few minutes I received an email from someone I didn't even know read my stuff and she filled me with positive energy that reminded me that it matters...what I do and what I say, matters. Sometimes the negative responses will outweigh the positive but that doesn't mean defeat. It means, that by the grace of God, I said something powerful and if anyone knows me, they'll know my intent was to uplift, not to harm.
I often wish that Jesus would show up in the flesh and just tell me how to feel about things. I like it when life is black and white, when there are definite rights and wrongs but I'm learning, the older I get and the more people I meet, that there still exists a lot of gray area and that I shouldn't be arrogant enough to think that I've got it all figured out.
I praise God that He has given me a steadfast spirit and an ability to grow and learn, that work together simultaneously and at the end of the day, my desire is to make Him proud.
I'd like to thank everyone who reads my ramblings and responds. I love discussion and I love debate. I learn and grow so much as a person and I challenge others to be steadfast yet malleable. We're all works in progress.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberal
People often throw around the word 'liberal' without truly understanding it's meaning. It's used to describe someone who is on the left side of the political process, who isn't Republican or who wrongfully upsets a righteous and good system....I think sometimes it's used as a definition of a person with non-Christian views...none of these definitions are true and I'm glad, because I have often been called 'Liberal'.
Dictionary.com defines 'Liberal' this way:
1. favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.
2. (often initial capital letter) noting or pertaining to a political party advocating measures of progressive political reform.
3. of, pertaining to, based on, or advocating liberalism.
4. favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, esp. as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.
5. favoring or permitting freedom of action, esp. with respect to matters of personal belief or expression: a liberal policy toward dissident artists and writers.
6. of or pertaining to representational forms of government rather than aristocracies and monarchies.
7. free from prejudice or bigotry; tolerant: a liberal attitude toward foreigners.
8. open-minded or tolerant, esp. free of or not bound by traditional or conventional ideas, values, etc.
9. characterized by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts: a liberal donor.
10. given freely or abundantly; generous: a liberal donation.
11. not strict or rigorous; free
The following is an article written by Commissioner Joe Noland. Thanks Sarah for introducing me to it. I think it's powerful and thought provoking
'Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberal'
Flaming: Passionate - “Tending to have strong feelings, especially of love, desire, or enthusiasm” (Encarta). Enthusiasm: God in us.
liber (Latin root meaning): free.
“And you will know the truth and the truth will make you free” (John 8:32 RSV).
"Were Jesus present in the flesh today He would be branded “A Flaming Liberal,” no doubt about it and correctly so. The religious right would be screaming “Bloody murder!” with His every action and pronouncement. Why would it be any different today than when he walked the earth last time? It’s just a different cultural context.
Think about the following assertion in a 21st Century milieu: “If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” To whom was Jesus speaking? Religious leaders, of course, those who were strictly following the letter of the law as handed down to them.
In my book, 'Lean Right, Love Left: Balancing the Body', I frame it this way: Ask Jesus about His encounter with the woman caught in the act of adultery (John 8:1-11). There is no dispute about her guilt. The law professors were “Levi on the spot” and had her dead to rights. Her prosecutors knew the law forward, backward, and sideward -”The punishment of adultery commanded by Moses was death” (Leviticus 20:10). The rigidity of the law left no “wriggle room,” and compassion was not yet part of the equation. The woman’s accusers were as right as right can be. You could say they were damned right! Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Words says this about their attitude toward the law: “In their zeal for the Law they almost deified it and their attitude became merely external, formal, and mechanical. They laid stress, not upon the righteousness of an action, but upon its formal correctness.”
The formal correctness of the law had become their salvation and, consequently, the means to a self-serving end-the entrapment of Jesus. “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” It was the perfect “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. Would Jesus lean right or left-law or love? If law were the only choice, he would be going against his own teaching. If love were the choice, he would be going against the Law of Moses. The strategy was brilliantly conceived and executed by the prosecution team. They are already patting themselves on the back and exchanging congratulatory handshakes as Jesus pauses for a moment to write something in the sand.
When his response finally does come, it catches them completely off guard: “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” In my imaginative mind’s eye, I see the handshakes and back pats freeze in midair as they absorb the full implications of His challenge. The accusers, who now become the accused, stand stunned and speechless like mannequins in a department-store window. A frozen look of incredulity is plastered on their faces. After what seems an interminable moment, the freeze frame is turned to slow motion. Heads bow, shoulders slump, and faces sag noticeably as they turn and slowly shuffle away like a pack of beaten down bloodhounds turned away from the hunt. This is how I would direct the scene if it were in a film.
Jesus now stands alone with the woman. I like the expository treatment on these verses found in The Wycliffe Bible Commentary: “Only two remained-the sinner and the Friend of sinners. Jesus could have cast the stone, for he was sinless; but he was more concerned with the rehabilitation of the sinner than with seeing that the Law was meticulously satisfied.”
The Friend of sinners says to the woman, “Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin.”
In your imaginative mind’s eye, translate this scenario forward a couple of millenniums. Adultery is no longer the scourge it once was, especially on the right, but substitute some of the modern day blights making headline news today. Cable news anchors, bloggers and twitterers would be “Johnny on the spot,” recording Jesus’ words and actions, spinning and spreading them instantaneously throughout cyberspace.
Bill O’Reilly and his stereotypical blond bombshell legal analysts would be yelling and screaming, “Fair! Balanced! Foul!” all at the same time, thus canceling each other out. Sean Hannity would be uncovering and righteously exposing another poisonous left-wing extremist, playing to the audience, hint of arrogance in that camera practiced smile. Rush Limbaugh would be frothing at the mouth and screaming out over the airways, “Oh, my God! God help us! Where has this country gone wrong?” Laura Ingrahams would be caustically ranting and raving, spewing vitriolic verbal stones forthwith. Glen Beck would be crying crocodile tears, begging for sanity to once again reassert itself in this God forsaken country (All cable show hosts, self-proclaimed spokespersons for the religious right in America, each backed by a team of legal analysts).
No question about it, Jesus was/is a flaming liberal, no matter how you slice it, theologically or culturally, then or now: Then neither do I condemn you, compassion for (friend of) the sinner now a part of the equation."
I hope that no one finds offense from this article. I think if you are thinking of liberal in the means of the way it is used to describe individuals who push moral boundaries, you have a right to be upset about what the Commissioner has written, but this isn't what liberal is referring to...it's not referring to the way Liberal is depicted in this country. It's referring to mercy, giving and freedom to love people above all else...that law is important but loving our neighbour is the greatest command. It isn't an attempt to further any kind of political agenda...it's simply a means of stating how Jesus placed people above law, rules and regulations...and challenged the religious agenda of that time.
I though it was a clever play on words...a refreshing take on what being liberal could mean as opposed to what people have made it out to be.
Religious leaders who were considered 'cream of the crop' when it came to biblical practices and prinicples were Jesus greatest opposition in his days of earthly ministry...I believe that it would be the same today...I think this article does an accurate job of depicting the widespread panic many would have over the presence of Jesus in modern day America...and I think many wouldn't recognize Him. I just pray daily that I would let no pre-conceived notions, no personal agenda and no unhealthy political affiliation keep me from recognizing Christ. I hope that's your prayer too.
Thanks for reading.
Dictionary.com defines 'Liberal' this way:
1. favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.
2. (often initial capital letter) noting or pertaining to a political party advocating measures of progressive political reform.
3. of, pertaining to, based on, or advocating liberalism.
4. favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, esp. as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.
5. favoring or permitting freedom of action, esp. with respect to matters of personal belief or expression: a liberal policy toward dissident artists and writers.
6. of or pertaining to representational forms of government rather than aristocracies and monarchies.
7. free from prejudice or bigotry; tolerant: a liberal attitude toward foreigners.
8. open-minded or tolerant, esp. free of or not bound by traditional or conventional ideas, values, etc.
9. characterized by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts: a liberal donor.
10. given freely or abundantly; generous: a liberal donation.
11. not strict or rigorous; free
The following is an article written by Commissioner Joe Noland. Thanks Sarah for introducing me to it. I think it's powerful and thought provoking
'Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberal'
Flaming: Passionate - “Tending to have strong feelings, especially of love, desire, or enthusiasm” (Encarta). Enthusiasm: God in us.
liber (Latin root meaning): free.
“And you will know the truth and the truth will make you free” (John 8:32 RSV).
"Were Jesus present in the flesh today He would be branded “A Flaming Liberal,” no doubt about it and correctly so. The religious right would be screaming “Bloody murder!” with His every action and pronouncement. Why would it be any different today than when he walked the earth last time? It’s just a different cultural context.
Think about the following assertion in a 21st Century milieu: “If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” To whom was Jesus speaking? Religious leaders, of course, those who were strictly following the letter of the law as handed down to them.
In my book, 'Lean Right, Love Left: Balancing the Body', I frame it this way: Ask Jesus about His encounter with the woman caught in the act of adultery (John 8:1-11). There is no dispute about her guilt. The law professors were “Levi on the spot” and had her dead to rights. Her prosecutors knew the law forward, backward, and sideward -”The punishment of adultery commanded by Moses was death” (Leviticus 20:10). The rigidity of the law left no “wriggle room,” and compassion was not yet part of the equation. The woman’s accusers were as right as right can be. You could say they were damned right! Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Words says this about their attitude toward the law: “In their zeal for the Law they almost deified it and their attitude became merely external, formal, and mechanical. They laid stress, not upon the righteousness of an action, but upon its formal correctness.”
The formal correctness of the law had become their salvation and, consequently, the means to a self-serving end-the entrapment of Jesus. “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” It was the perfect “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. Would Jesus lean right or left-law or love? If law were the only choice, he would be going against his own teaching. If love were the choice, he would be going against the Law of Moses. The strategy was brilliantly conceived and executed by the prosecution team. They are already patting themselves on the back and exchanging congratulatory handshakes as Jesus pauses for a moment to write something in the sand.
When his response finally does come, it catches them completely off guard: “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” In my imaginative mind’s eye, I see the handshakes and back pats freeze in midair as they absorb the full implications of His challenge. The accusers, who now become the accused, stand stunned and speechless like mannequins in a department-store window. A frozen look of incredulity is plastered on their faces. After what seems an interminable moment, the freeze frame is turned to slow motion. Heads bow, shoulders slump, and faces sag noticeably as they turn and slowly shuffle away like a pack of beaten down bloodhounds turned away from the hunt. This is how I would direct the scene if it were in a film.
Jesus now stands alone with the woman. I like the expository treatment on these verses found in The Wycliffe Bible Commentary: “Only two remained-the sinner and the Friend of sinners. Jesus could have cast the stone, for he was sinless; but he was more concerned with the rehabilitation of the sinner than with seeing that the Law was meticulously satisfied.”
The Friend of sinners says to the woman, “Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin.”
In your imaginative mind’s eye, translate this scenario forward a couple of millenniums. Adultery is no longer the scourge it once was, especially on the right, but substitute some of the modern day blights making headline news today. Cable news anchors, bloggers and twitterers would be “Johnny on the spot,” recording Jesus’ words and actions, spinning and spreading them instantaneously throughout cyberspace.
Bill O’Reilly and his stereotypical blond bombshell legal analysts would be yelling and screaming, “Fair! Balanced! Foul!” all at the same time, thus canceling each other out. Sean Hannity would be uncovering and righteously exposing another poisonous left-wing extremist, playing to the audience, hint of arrogance in that camera practiced smile. Rush Limbaugh would be frothing at the mouth and screaming out over the airways, “Oh, my God! God help us! Where has this country gone wrong?” Laura Ingrahams would be caustically ranting and raving, spewing vitriolic verbal stones forthwith. Glen Beck would be crying crocodile tears, begging for sanity to once again reassert itself in this God forsaken country (All cable show hosts, self-proclaimed spokespersons for the religious right in America, each backed by a team of legal analysts).
No question about it, Jesus was/is a flaming liberal, no matter how you slice it, theologically or culturally, then or now: Then neither do I condemn you, compassion for (friend of) the sinner now a part of the equation."
I hope that no one finds offense from this article. I think if you are thinking of liberal in the means of the way it is used to describe individuals who push moral boundaries, you have a right to be upset about what the Commissioner has written, but this isn't what liberal is referring to...it's not referring to the way Liberal is depicted in this country. It's referring to mercy, giving and freedom to love people above all else...that law is important but loving our neighbour is the greatest command. It isn't an attempt to further any kind of political agenda...it's simply a means of stating how Jesus placed people above law, rules and regulations...and challenged the religious agenda of that time.
I though it was a clever play on words...a refreshing take on what being liberal could mean as opposed to what people have made it out to be.
Religious leaders who were considered 'cream of the crop' when it came to biblical practices and prinicples were Jesus greatest opposition in his days of earthly ministry...I believe that it would be the same today...I think this article does an accurate job of depicting the widespread panic many would have over the presence of Jesus in modern day America...and I think many wouldn't recognize Him. I just pray daily that I would let no pre-conceived notions, no personal agenda and no unhealthy political affiliation keep me from recognizing Christ. I hope that's your prayer too.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Grumpy Bear
I'm in a bad mood today...can't really shake it...maybe I shouldn't be writing when I feel this way, but writing is what I do when I can't sleep and I certainly can't sleep right now. I'm annoyed, flustered, concerned, sick, irritated, tired...all for probably no good reason...everyone has these days I'm sure, although most don't advertise it.
Caden woke up at 5am, throwing up, and has had a fever/cough all day. He is still his energetic self so I don't think it's anything too serious...just a little bug which I'm sure he'll be over in no time. That wasn't a great way for either of us to start the day...
I confess, this morning I became very overwhelmed by mess and allowed it to rob my joy. It's funny how dirt and clutter can put a woman in a foul mood. We have a lot of living things in our house so the mess piles up quickly and makes me crazy. I never use to feel this way about my house until I had Caden...then suddenly my house was not only my home but my workspace...and when things are out of place, I just don't function properly...I fear I'll be worse after baby X (as we so affectionately have named him/her) arrives.
So the fatigue coupled with the crabby/sick toddler plus the never ending mess multiplied by some other annoyances has made me a bit of a grumpy bear today. What can I say?
Roar
I think we should probably add hormones to that mix as well. I am not as sick with this pregnancy as I was with Caden but I believe I am much more hormonal...the insomnia is a product of that, not to mention the sudden OCD I have...I don't think I've been super mean to anyone but if I have, I'm sure it's been Jay and I publicly apologize ;)
All of this to say...well...nothing at all, really. This is not encouraging, uplifting or eye opening in anyway...if anything, it was a venting session, a crabby confession and a way to tire myself out in hopes of getting to sleep before 2am...but if you took the time to read it, I thank you.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Monday, September 21, 2009
God and Jesus
Caden wrote this song all by himself. I heard him singing it one day in his room while he was playing with his keyboard. For some reason, some of the video quality was lost during the upload but it's still hilarious and adorable...A really great way to spend three minutes.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Life on Repeat
I have learned that when God wants you to 'get' something, He often places an episode in your life, over and over again. It's really annoying. Often the faces, places and other details change, but the lesson is always the same...He does this to test us, develop us and to weed out those parts of ourselves that keep us from attaining the greatness He has called us to.
For me, God is constantly trying to teach me not to define myself through the eyes of people. He does this by putting people in my path who don't like me. Really. It's that simple. This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but to me, it's earth shattering. I have so many incredible friends, a close knit family, a husband who loves me more than I deserve and a beautiful son with another child on the way, but if I know of one person who doesn't like me, they have so much power over me! It's all I focus on, all I think about. I try and figure out ways that I can change their mind, desperate for them to see that I'm a good person. Even if it's a situation where an individual is being totally irrational and has no good reason for disliking me, I want to work diligently to change their mind. I am this way because I lose my focus on the one who defines me: Christ alone.
No one knows the creation like the Creator. He has made us in his image, yet uniquely different from the 6 billion other people who walk the earth. With so many personalities, theirs bound to be some conflict. The bible says, "Blessed are you when people insult you..." Matthew 5:11. The truth is, being disliked draws us closer to Christ...he was disliked by a lot of people...knowing the sting of rejection helps us to understand the footsteps of Jesus.
Now, I'm not for one moment saying that anyone who doesn't like me is unjustified and unholy...after all, we are not called to 'like' everyone, we are called to love them according to the definition God has given us in his word. People have a right not to like me. Maybe I have a stupid laugh that annoys someone, or maybe I stand on the opposite side of their politics, or maybe they think my face is weird. There are a plethora of reasons why people dislike other people and the truth is, if someone doesn't like me, they have every right to feel that way...Lord knows there are some individuals I've met throughout my life that were difficult to be around...perhaps I am that person to someone else?
I just hope that if someone doesn't enjoy me, it isn't because I wronged them.
The point is, whether someone is justified with their distaste for me or not, I can not allow it to define who I am. If I have wronged them, I must ask forgiveness and live out Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." If they still shutter at the sight of me or want nothing to do with me, I have to learn to live in peace, knowing that who I am in their eyes is not who I am in the eyes of the Father.
Easier said than done...but I'm hoping I learn how to do this soon...I don't want this lesson to keep repeating itself.
For me, God is constantly trying to teach me not to define myself through the eyes of people. He does this by putting people in my path who don't like me. Really. It's that simple. This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but to me, it's earth shattering. I have so many incredible friends, a close knit family, a husband who loves me more than I deserve and a beautiful son with another child on the way, but if I know of one person who doesn't like me, they have so much power over me! It's all I focus on, all I think about. I try and figure out ways that I can change their mind, desperate for them to see that I'm a good person. Even if it's a situation where an individual is being totally irrational and has no good reason for disliking me, I want to work diligently to change their mind. I am this way because I lose my focus on the one who defines me: Christ alone.
No one knows the creation like the Creator. He has made us in his image, yet uniquely different from the 6 billion other people who walk the earth. With so many personalities, theirs bound to be some conflict. The bible says, "Blessed are you when people insult you..." Matthew 5:11. The truth is, being disliked draws us closer to Christ...he was disliked by a lot of people...knowing the sting of rejection helps us to understand the footsteps of Jesus.
Now, I'm not for one moment saying that anyone who doesn't like me is unjustified and unholy...after all, we are not called to 'like' everyone, we are called to love them according to the definition God has given us in his word. People have a right not to like me. Maybe I have a stupid laugh that annoys someone, or maybe I stand on the opposite side of their politics, or maybe they think my face is weird. There are a plethora of reasons why people dislike other people and the truth is, if someone doesn't like me, they have every right to feel that way...Lord knows there are some individuals I've met throughout my life that were difficult to be around...perhaps I am that person to someone else?
I just hope that if someone doesn't enjoy me, it isn't because I wronged them.
The point is, whether someone is justified with their distaste for me or not, I can not allow it to define who I am. If I have wronged them, I must ask forgiveness and live out Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." If they still shutter at the sight of me or want nothing to do with me, I have to learn to live in peace, knowing that who I am in their eyes is not who I am in the eyes of the Father.
Easier said than done...but I'm hoping I learn how to do this soon...I don't want this lesson to keep repeating itself.
Monday, September 14, 2009
THANK YOU!
I have to give a public thanks to my dear friends, Steve and Barbara Vickery. When they read about my computer dying, they broke out their old PC, cleaned it up, found all the parts needed and gave it to me to use until Jay and I are able to afford a new one. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life, who support my writing with not only words, but action. I am humbled by your love and I love you back!
Thank you Steve and Barbara for being amazing friends.
Thank you Steve and Barbara for being amazing friends.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
What I Think...
I've engaged in many health care debates over the past few weeks. I've learned a lot from listening to the differing opinions of others. I've learned that I am much more passionate about political things than I ever thought I would be and that I am not a know-it-all. I've learned that as much as I dislike him, insulting Glenn Beck isn't nice and gets me into trouble. I've learned that I can hold my ground and speak intelligently about the things I believe to be right and true.
I am a woman who has had an opportunity to experience life in two very different countries, under two very different governments, in the midst of people with very different mentalities and I think I have a lot to contribute to this debate.
The discussions have opened my eyes to understanding a little bit more about America...how her history is very much evident in her present. Canadian history is very different than that of our southern neighbours. We are a bilingual product of French and British ancestry, a melting pot of multi-culturalism. Canadians are proud to be so, but our patriotism is different. Most Canadians wouldn't think to shout, "CANADA IS THE BEST COUNTRY, EVER!" even if we feel that way. We love our country but we do so differently.
Outside looking in, American patriotism can sometimes be perceived as arrogant or ignorant but I am beginning to see that it is more than that. It is a product of a very real and present history, of having to fight for what you have, a victory cry over what the nation has overcome to become what it is today. I'm also learning that the way I (as a Canadian) view government and community is very different than my American neighbours. Americans are sensitive to the oppression of government after having fought it to become independent. American settlers were British people who could not stand to be under the rule of Britain any longer. Some people stayed loyal to Britain, but those who chose to become Americans did so passionately and with every fiber of their being. That attitude and spirit still remains in the people generations later, fighting for their rights, proclaiming their victories and remaining somewhat fearful of their government.
Discovering this has helped me understand and appreciate our differences.
Lately, we've been talking about health care. I'm no expert but I am daily trying to remain informed. Here's what I think:
Slander, lies and name calling have no place in a fair, political process, ESPECIALLY when it comes from news programming. We must always have the freedom to speak and the freedom to disagree, but when lies are used to tarnish the character of individuals, manufacture fear and further agendas, that freedom of speech has been abused. I'm not a radical Obama follower or a democrat, but so many ridiculous lies have been spread about the President and it's horrifying to see the wide spread panic and reaction caused by misleading information.
Please, do your research. Read the health care bills, read as much non-biased information as you can such as factcheck.org
Fox news is not a reliable source of information, not because I disagree with most of what they say, but because they lie to tarnish the President's name. Plain and simple.
I believe, based on evidence, that government run health care systems work. I don't say this based on personal experience, although I personally have had better experiences with Canadian health care than I have here, but because it's a proven fact. According to the World Health Organization, France has the #1 functioning health care system in the world. This is a government run system. In fact, most of the highest ranking health care systems in the world have universal health care. I've heard many negative things about Canadian health care (mostly from people who have never been there) but I will be the first to admit, it isn't without its flaws. Canada ranks #30 when compared to the other health care systems on the planet. America ranks #37, just below Costa Rica, and this shouldn't be the case for the richest country in the world. Regardless of how you feel about it or whether you want it, the fact is, government run health care systems function beautifully all over our planet and we could learn something from our French, Spanish, British, Italian, (etc) friends.
Many times, people use the argument, "The church should be taking care of the sick."
Well, that's true. Any individual who calls themselves a Christ follower should be doing their part daily to help those in need. However, government, too, should be protecting the rights of it's people. This is exactly what government was designed to do. We have a right to live...we have a right to breathe...we have a right to a beating heart. You can not live without your health. The two go hand in hand. Anyone who believes health care is not a right has not had to watch their family members dying of cancer, being denied medicine that could save their lives due to their bank account. No one should go broke trying to get well and no one should be denied life saving care based on the size of their wallet or the depths of their pockets. Emergency rooms place tiny, expensive band aids on gaping wounds, crippling people's financial future while leaving them still sick.
The USA has some government run programs currently that myself and many of my friends rightfully use daily. Medicaid, medicare, food stamps, WIC, public schools, the post office, the FDA...these and countless others are government run programs that aren't flawless (because nothing is) but they are doing incredible good for the people in our society. Many of us would be sick, hungry or illiterate without them.
Part of being a community is contributing to it, for the better good of all who live within it. Everyone participating in a system that everyone benefits from. A big part of people's stress is the section of the current health care bill that requires people to be insured or pay a tax. From what I've learned about the American people (as referenced above), they don't really like to be 'told' that they have to do anything, especially by government, and especially about money. Trust me, I get that, but consider this: The freedom of quality and affordable coverage for all...the economy taking off because individuals aren't buried in medical debt and can begin to invest in businesses again...affordable, life saving drugs for the chronically ill. The good of society outweighs the negative of being told what to do.
Listen to your President. He's YOUR President now, whether you elected him or not. It's time to administer some respect for authority. Fox news claimed verbatim, "President Obama hates America." This is the kind of garbage I'm talking about. Obama doesn't hate America and he needs to be given a chance to be taken at his word. If he claims in front of congress and half the world that he will not sign a bill that furthers the country's debt now or in the future, that's what he means. If he ends up signing one, then by all means, call him a liar, but for right now that is what he has said and that is what he meant. LISTEN to him. READ the bill. Don't just form an opinion based on what some angry news caster says.
47 million Americans are uninsured, walking around with the capability of going bank rupt and dying at any minute should they discover they have a tumour or fall down the stairs. Some of these people chose not to be insured. The problem is, the uninsured become a liability for the rest of America. This is why Obama's plan includes the necessity of people to have health insurance...because without it, we all suffer for the choices of the negligent. It's like second hand smoke...you may not care that you're taking a risk but I don't want to be effected by your bad air! Living and working together...yes, as individuals, but as individuals who live in community.
I think we can all agree that insurance companies need stricter laws and to be held accountable. People should not be dropped from their policies should they become ill, nor should they be excluded from care for pre-existing conditions..and there is no reason why the same medication in Canada should cost 3+ times more here...and no, it's not watered down in Canada...I've heard that argument too...again, facts are important. If the only thing that changes is this, America will be better for it. Insurance companies are monopolizing health care right now, rewarding their employees when they drop sick clients and refusing care to those who need it most. I am hopeful that enough people agree on this subject that something will be done about it.
I understand that past administrations have failed the American people and most are exhausted, wondering why they should trust this politician to be any different than the others. All I can say is that the face of government changes for a reason...if it were unable to move forward, there would be no need in electing new leadership. The last administration did wonderful things in the fight against abortion. George Bush signed a bill, making it illegal to terminate the life of a baby if born alive after an abortion attempt. That's a wonderful thing.
He also led the country on a wild goose chase over seas, spending billions and killing thousands and causing immeasurable damage to international relations. Every administration has it's strong points and some greatly disappoint us. Give this President a chance to do right with your taxes and your trust.
I hope this sparks some interest and maybe some conversation. It is important to speak openly about these things but it is mostly important to do so respectfully.
Thanks for reading.
I am a woman who has had an opportunity to experience life in two very different countries, under two very different governments, in the midst of people with very different mentalities and I think I have a lot to contribute to this debate.
The discussions have opened my eyes to understanding a little bit more about America...how her history is very much evident in her present. Canadian history is very different than that of our southern neighbours. We are a bilingual product of French and British ancestry, a melting pot of multi-culturalism. Canadians are proud to be so, but our patriotism is different. Most Canadians wouldn't think to shout, "CANADA IS THE BEST COUNTRY, EVER!" even if we feel that way. We love our country but we do so differently.
Outside looking in, American patriotism can sometimes be perceived as arrogant or ignorant but I am beginning to see that it is more than that. It is a product of a very real and present history, of having to fight for what you have, a victory cry over what the nation has overcome to become what it is today. I'm also learning that the way I (as a Canadian) view government and community is very different than my American neighbours. Americans are sensitive to the oppression of government after having fought it to become independent. American settlers were British people who could not stand to be under the rule of Britain any longer. Some people stayed loyal to Britain, but those who chose to become Americans did so passionately and with every fiber of their being. That attitude and spirit still remains in the people generations later, fighting for their rights, proclaiming their victories and remaining somewhat fearful of their government.
Discovering this has helped me understand and appreciate our differences.
Lately, we've been talking about health care. I'm no expert but I am daily trying to remain informed. Here's what I think:
Slander, lies and name calling have no place in a fair, political process, ESPECIALLY when it comes from news programming. We must always have the freedom to speak and the freedom to disagree, but when lies are used to tarnish the character of individuals, manufacture fear and further agendas, that freedom of speech has been abused. I'm not a radical Obama follower or a democrat, but so many ridiculous lies have been spread about the President and it's horrifying to see the wide spread panic and reaction caused by misleading information.
Please, do your research. Read the health care bills, read as much non-biased information as you can such as factcheck.org
Fox news is not a reliable source of information, not because I disagree with most of what they say, but because they lie to tarnish the President's name. Plain and simple.
I believe, based on evidence, that government run health care systems work. I don't say this based on personal experience, although I personally have had better experiences with Canadian health care than I have here, but because it's a proven fact. According to the World Health Organization, France has the #1 functioning health care system in the world. This is a government run system. In fact, most of the highest ranking health care systems in the world have universal health care. I've heard many negative things about Canadian health care (mostly from people who have never been there) but I will be the first to admit, it isn't without its flaws. Canada ranks #30 when compared to the other health care systems on the planet. America ranks #37, just below Costa Rica, and this shouldn't be the case for the richest country in the world. Regardless of how you feel about it or whether you want it, the fact is, government run health care systems function beautifully all over our planet and we could learn something from our French, Spanish, British, Italian, (etc) friends.
Many times, people use the argument, "The church should be taking care of the sick."
Well, that's true. Any individual who calls themselves a Christ follower should be doing their part daily to help those in need. However, government, too, should be protecting the rights of it's people. This is exactly what government was designed to do. We have a right to live...we have a right to breathe...we have a right to a beating heart. You can not live without your health. The two go hand in hand. Anyone who believes health care is not a right has not had to watch their family members dying of cancer, being denied medicine that could save their lives due to their bank account. No one should go broke trying to get well and no one should be denied life saving care based on the size of their wallet or the depths of their pockets. Emergency rooms place tiny, expensive band aids on gaping wounds, crippling people's financial future while leaving them still sick.
The USA has some government run programs currently that myself and many of my friends rightfully use daily. Medicaid, medicare, food stamps, WIC, public schools, the post office, the FDA...these and countless others are government run programs that aren't flawless (because nothing is) but they are doing incredible good for the people in our society. Many of us would be sick, hungry or illiterate without them.
Part of being a community is contributing to it, for the better good of all who live within it. Everyone participating in a system that everyone benefits from. A big part of people's stress is the section of the current health care bill that requires people to be insured or pay a tax. From what I've learned about the American people (as referenced above), they don't really like to be 'told' that they have to do anything, especially by government, and especially about money. Trust me, I get that, but consider this: The freedom of quality and affordable coverage for all...the economy taking off because individuals aren't buried in medical debt and can begin to invest in businesses again...affordable, life saving drugs for the chronically ill. The good of society outweighs the negative of being told what to do.
Listen to your President. He's YOUR President now, whether you elected him or not. It's time to administer some respect for authority. Fox news claimed verbatim, "President Obama hates America." This is the kind of garbage I'm talking about. Obama doesn't hate America and he needs to be given a chance to be taken at his word. If he claims in front of congress and half the world that he will not sign a bill that furthers the country's debt now or in the future, that's what he means. If he ends up signing one, then by all means, call him a liar, but for right now that is what he has said and that is what he meant. LISTEN to him. READ the bill. Don't just form an opinion based on what some angry news caster says.
47 million Americans are uninsured, walking around with the capability of going bank rupt and dying at any minute should they discover they have a tumour or fall down the stairs. Some of these people chose not to be insured. The problem is, the uninsured become a liability for the rest of America. This is why Obama's plan includes the necessity of people to have health insurance...because without it, we all suffer for the choices of the negligent. It's like second hand smoke...you may not care that you're taking a risk but I don't want to be effected by your bad air! Living and working together...yes, as individuals, but as individuals who live in community.
I think we can all agree that insurance companies need stricter laws and to be held accountable. People should not be dropped from their policies should they become ill, nor should they be excluded from care for pre-existing conditions..and there is no reason why the same medication in Canada should cost 3+ times more here...and no, it's not watered down in Canada...I've heard that argument too...again, facts are important. If the only thing that changes is this, America will be better for it. Insurance companies are monopolizing health care right now, rewarding their employees when they drop sick clients and refusing care to those who need it most. I am hopeful that enough people agree on this subject that something will be done about it.
I understand that past administrations have failed the American people and most are exhausted, wondering why they should trust this politician to be any different than the others. All I can say is that the face of government changes for a reason...if it were unable to move forward, there would be no need in electing new leadership. The last administration did wonderful things in the fight against abortion. George Bush signed a bill, making it illegal to terminate the life of a baby if born alive after an abortion attempt. That's a wonderful thing.
He also led the country on a wild goose chase over seas, spending billions and killing thousands and causing immeasurable damage to international relations. Every administration has it's strong points and some greatly disappoint us. Give this President a chance to do right with your taxes and your trust.
I hope this sparks some interest and maybe some conversation. It is important to speak openly about these things but it is mostly important to do so respectfully.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
6 Years in America
Wow. 6 years ago I applied for a religious workers visa at the Niagara Falls border and entered onto American soil to marry my foreign love and start a new life with him.
I have to admit, I am happy here. I also have to admit, in the same breath, that I miss Newfoundland more today than ever before. The homesickness doesn't get better with time...it gets much worse.
I think having children makes me miss Newfoundland so much more now...because not only am I so far from my family, whom I am very close with, and friends I have known my entire life but it's just such a wonderful place to raise children. I can't help but day dream about living life there again...
But for now, I have a great life here. I remember as a child, CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) would air Disney movies on Sunday nights. I remember looking at the Magic Kingdom and thinking I'd never see it...my grandparents would board a plane every November and escape to St. Petersburgh, Florida until April. When they came back, their skin would be 8 shades darker and they would bring us the latest electronics because those were always cheaper in 'the states'.
I'd flip through their photo albums and look in awe at the palm trees, as though they were vacationing on some other planet.
Nan would tell me about how big the bugs were there and I would shutter at the thought of it...I pictured scorpions running through people's homes like normal house hold pests.
When I was 16, I started watching Saturday Night Live and learned the majority of my American political information from watching comedy sketches about the 2000 election...Will Ferrell made a convincing George Bush.
My first year of University, my friend Nevin convinced me to apply to a summer camp in North Carolina where he had worked the previous summer. I did and I was accepted. In June 2002 I boarded a plane and made my first official trip to America. I imagined that it was going to be hot, so I only brought bed sheets, no blankets...my first night on American soil I learned the power of air conditioning the hard way...I thought I was going to freeze to death that night. I had never experienced that kind of cold inside while it was so hot outside...
I also was amazed at the height of the trees and road signs...and I learned that the North Carolina sun is more potent than the Newfoundland rays I was used to. Ouch.
After marrying Jay (who I met that summer at camp) we spent a year in SC then our jobs with the Salvation Army brought us to Florida. We spent Valentines Day, 2005 at the Magic Kingdom and it was a truly magical experience...I never thought I'd see Disney World...I've been one time since and unfortunately it had lost it's luster...what was once mysterious and magical has become overpriced, overcrowded and overheated ;)
I've learned a lot since landing in the US of A. I've learned that in many, many ways, I am not unlike my neighbours to the south....and I've learned that in many, many ways, Newfoundland culture sets me apart from any other. I've learned that nurture may be a more powerful force than nature...that not just 'how' a person is raised, but 'where' a person grows up can really shape the way they view politics, economics, community...even Jesus.
I've learned that I am a product of my Newfoundland upbringing in the same way that my American neighbours are a product of theirs. Even though I have been here for 6 years, I still feel very foreign...sometimes that's a good feeling, sometimes it isn't.
I think what most people misunderstand about me is that I am from Newfoundland. Newfoundland is very, very different from the rest of Canada...what I usually hear is, "I've been to Niagara Falls. It's so clean over there in Canada!" or "Newfoundland? How close is that to Toronto?"
Most people don't realize that Newfoundland is the most easterly point of North America, closer to England than it is to Ontario. Our culture is more related to Ireland, culturally, than it is to Canada...and Newfoundland was a colony of Britain until 1949 when it joined Canada after a slim 51%/49% vote. Some people there still refuse to call themselves Canadian..they consider themselves purely Newfoundlanders. We have a funky irishy accent, we drink too much from time to time, we love Celtic music, we look out our windows and see ragged cliffs, rugged coastlines, rolling tundra and beautiful North Atlantic scenery. Those of us who grew up 'out around the bay' remember safe childhoods that consisted of A LOT of outdoor play...skating on the frozen ponds, sliding (sledding), bike riding, swimming (when it was warm enough)...no one locked their doors, no one was afraid to walk after dark and a moose was the most dangerous thing you were likely to encounter on the streets at night.
St. John's, Newfoundland is by far, in my opinion, the coolest city on the planet..and I physically hurt at the thought that so many people will never see it. I miss it so.
Will me and my family live in America for another 6 years? I don't know...we always talk about moving to Newfoundland...but it's such a huge move, it won't happen overnight.
But I must admit that my time in America has been good...I have never for a moment regretted marrying my best friend...I'd live anywhere to be with him...and I've met some amazing people on my journeys around 'the states'.
I do, at times, stick out like a sore thumb, and I do listen to Irish music in my car while I drive around Tallahassee, and should my family ever leave America to try out life north of the border, I'm so thankful to have had the opportunity to be a foreigner here, In the US of A, with all of you.
I have to admit, I am happy here. I also have to admit, in the same breath, that I miss Newfoundland more today than ever before. The homesickness doesn't get better with time...it gets much worse.
I think having children makes me miss Newfoundland so much more now...because not only am I so far from my family, whom I am very close with, and friends I have known my entire life but it's just such a wonderful place to raise children. I can't help but day dream about living life there again...
But for now, I have a great life here. I remember as a child, CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) would air Disney movies on Sunday nights. I remember looking at the Magic Kingdom and thinking I'd never see it...my grandparents would board a plane every November and escape to St. Petersburgh, Florida until April. When they came back, their skin would be 8 shades darker and they would bring us the latest electronics because those were always cheaper in 'the states'.
I'd flip through their photo albums and look in awe at the palm trees, as though they were vacationing on some other planet.
Nan would tell me about how big the bugs were there and I would shutter at the thought of it...I pictured scorpions running through people's homes like normal house hold pests.
When I was 16, I started watching Saturday Night Live and learned the majority of my American political information from watching comedy sketches about the 2000 election...Will Ferrell made a convincing George Bush.
My first year of University, my friend Nevin convinced me to apply to a summer camp in North Carolina where he had worked the previous summer. I did and I was accepted. In June 2002 I boarded a plane and made my first official trip to America. I imagined that it was going to be hot, so I only brought bed sheets, no blankets...my first night on American soil I learned the power of air conditioning the hard way...I thought I was going to freeze to death that night. I had never experienced that kind of cold inside while it was so hot outside...
I also was amazed at the height of the trees and road signs...and I learned that the North Carolina sun is more potent than the Newfoundland rays I was used to. Ouch.
After marrying Jay (who I met that summer at camp) we spent a year in SC then our jobs with the Salvation Army brought us to Florida. We spent Valentines Day, 2005 at the Magic Kingdom and it was a truly magical experience...I never thought I'd see Disney World...I've been one time since and unfortunately it had lost it's luster...what was once mysterious and magical has become overpriced, overcrowded and overheated ;)
I've learned a lot since landing in the US of A. I've learned that in many, many ways, I am not unlike my neighbours to the south....and I've learned that in many, many ways, Newfoundland culture sets me apart from any other. I've learned that nurture may be a more powerful force than nature...that not just 'how' a person is raised, but 'where' a person grows up can really shape the way they view politics, economics, community...even Jesus.
I've learned that I am a product of my Newfoundland upbringing in the same way that my American neighbours are a product of theirs. Even though I have been here for 6 years, I still feel very foreign...sometimes that's a good feeling, sometimes it isn't.
I think what most people misunderstand about me is that I am from Newfoundland. Newfoundland is very, very different from the rest of Canada...what I usually hear is, "I've been to Niagara Falls. It's so clean over there in Canada!" or "Newfoundland? How close is that to Toronto?"
Most people don't realize that Newfoundland is the most easterly point of North America, closer to England than it is to Ontario. Our culture is more related to Ireland, culturally, than it is to Canada...and Newfoundland was a colony of Britain until 1949 when it joined Canada after a slim 51%/49% vote. Some people there still refuse to call themselves Canadian..they consider themselves purely Newfoundlanders. We have a funky irishy accent, we drink too much from time to time, we love Celtic music, we look out our windows and see ragged cliffs, rugged coastlines, rolling tundra and beautiful North Atlantic scenery. Those of us who grew up 'out around the bay' remember safe childhoods that consisted of A LOT of outdoor play...skating on the frozen ponds, sliding (sledding), bike riding, swimming (when it was warm enough)...no one locked their doors, no one was afraid to walk after dark and a moose was the most dangerous thing you were likely to encounter on the streets at night.
St. John's, Newfoundland is by far, in my opinion, the coolest city on the planet..and I physically hurt at the thought that so many people will never see it. I miss it so.
Will me and my family live in America for another 6 years? I don't know...we always talk about moving to Newfoundland...but it's such a huge move, it won't happen overnight.
But I must admit that my time in America has been good...I have never for a moment regretted marrying my best friend...I'd live anywhere to be with him...and I've met some amazing people on my journeys around 'the states'.
I do, at times, stick out like a sore thumb, and I do listen to Irish music in my car while I drive around Tallahassee, and should my family ever leave America to try out life north of the border, I'm so thankful to have had the opportunity to be a foreigner here, In the US of A, with all of you.
Pregnancy Sucks
That's the title of one of my favourite pregnancy books. I can't for the life of me find it anywhere and I'm thinking I probably passed it on for some other Mama to enjoy, but it's quite hilarious. It is educational but also very real about the not-so-beautiful side of pregnancy. I am a big fan of realness.
The first trimester is by far the hardest...at least it is for me. Caden was born 2.5 weeks early, so I never got to experience the horrible feeling of watching my due date come and go. For me, the first three months are the suckiest.
Firstly, my body has changed and my stomach is much bigger, but it's not round and hard like it will be in a few months...it's more like a beer belly and although I haven't gained any weight yet, I feel like I'm 50 pounds heavier than I was 4 weeks ago.
Secondly, I am tired 100% of the time...but to make it even better, I have insomnia! So I'm exhausted but can't calm my mind enough to sleep...quite annoying.
Thirdly, I am nauseous all day long. I am lucky to not be as sick this time as I was with Caden but I am remembering how incredibly frustrating it is to not own my own body anymore. I go from starvation to bloated in 30 seconds flat.
Further more, when I do finally fall asleep, I wake up 30 minutes later to pee and spend what feels like 50% of my time doing just that; Peeing.
Needless to say, I am very excited for the 4th month to arrive...and it can't come quick enough!
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Bigger and Better Things
Thank you to those of you who contacted me after my last post to encourage and build me up. The response was overwhelming and I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.
I want to clarify that I don't consider my life to be a failure...quite the opposite...but I felt it necessary to be transparent about this, to expose the wound so that others who have been injured would feel less alone.
I am proud of us for the choices we made in the aftermath of this fiasco. In the end, we did the right thing and we learned so much about ourselves, our relationships and our priorities. God first, marriage second, kids third, everything else after that. As important as it can be, the credit score is far from the top of that list.
I think it was important for me to express that the decisions we reached were not reached lightly...and that the choice came down to working several jobs each, never seeing Caden and keeping the house or putting the family first and walking away...I wish things would have been different, but I'm glad we made the tough choice. We are proud of ourselves for paying off almost all of our debt and we are excited for the day when we owe nothing to no one. We want to never finance another thing as long as we live...we may chose to own a house in another decade or so, and we may have to finance hospital/doctor bills as long as we live in America, but everything else will be saved for and bought with cash. We'll drive old cars, sit on second hand furniture and shop at thrift stores before we owe another person, store or credit card company another dime.
UPDATE: The realtor called and said the short sale process is chugging along and we may close (pending approval) in October...I think that probably means January but who knows...I'll stay optimistic.
In other news, my book is finished! Last Fall, I was entering the doors of my work place, miserable with the way things were and I started praying out loud. I'm sure anyone around me would have thought me insane, but I was frustrated. I had been receiving so much positive feedback about my blog and the comments were always the same, "You should write a book!"
I didn't think I could...I dropped out of college, I'm not an expert on anything, what would I write about? I thought I'd be better off writing articles for mother's or Christian magazines but I searched and searched for an opportunity to no avail.
Finally I prayed, "God, if you want me to write a book, you need to send me some help because I have no idea how to even get started."
Within 2 days a Christian author named Kathy Pride, found my blog and offered to help me get started with a book if I was interested. I had not written anything in my blog about my desire to write a book. She had no way of knowing about my prayer two days earlier. She was a complete and utter answer to prayer.
Through her, I found EDM publishing and pitched my idea for a devotional book for mother's with toddlers. On a Thursday night in January, the CEO phoned me and told me a contract was on the way. The following day I was laid off from my job at Datamaxx. Coincidence? I think not.
I found a job playing piano on the weekends and pulled Caden out of daycare. This year I've been working on the book while staying at home with my son, playing the keys for cash on Friday and Saturday nights and thoroughly enjoying my life...money is always tight, housing stress has robbed me of my joy a time or two, but I am excited about where God is taking my writing career and my family. Obviously, He is making this writing thing happen...I'm humbled and honored.
Now with baby #2 on the way, I will have so much more to write about...I am so proud of my husband for being an incredible man and I am head over heels in love with Caden...seriously...in love with him. He is dangerously cute, incredibly smart, very talented and wonderfully behaved. People are always amazed at how polite and witty he is...He is a great person and I'm proud to be his mom.
According to contract, the book should be in print by April 2010. I haven't received any feedback from the company yet, but I am hoping to hear what they think soon.
SO yes, from time to time, we will fail...but I think God's definition of failure is different than ours...and I am choosing to be more thrilled with His blessings than I am upset about my own misfortunes.
I want to clarify that I don't consider my life to be a failure...quite the opposite...but I felt it necessary to be transparent about this, to expose the wound so that others who have been injured would feel less alone.
I am proud of us for the choices we made in the aftermath of this fiasco. In the end, we did the right thing and we learned so much about ourselves, our relationships and our priorities. God first, marriage second, kids third, everything else after that. As important as it can be, the credit score is far from the top of that list.
I think it was important for me to express that the decisions we reached were not reached lightly...and that the choice came down to working several jobs each, never seeing Caden and keeping the house or putting the family first and walking away...I wish things would have been different, but I'm glad we made the tough choice. We are proud of ourselves for paying off almost all of our debt and we are excited for the day when we owe nothing to no one. We want to never finance another thing as long as we live...we may chose to own a house in another decade or so, and we may have to finance hospital/doctor bills as long as we live in America, but everything else will be saved for and bought with cash. We'll drive old cars, sit on second hand furniture and shop at thrift stores before we owe another person, store or credit card company another dime.
UPDATE: The realtor called and said the short sale process is chugging along and we may close (pending approval) in October...I think that probably means January but who knows...I'll stay optimistic.
In other news, my book is finished! Last Fall, I was entering the doors of my work place, miserable with the way things were and I started praying out loud. I'm sure anyone around me would have thought me insane, but I was frustrated. I had been receiving so much positive feedback about my blog and the comments were always the same, "You should write a book!"
I didn't think I could...I dropped out of college, I'm not an expert on anything, what would I write about? I thought I'd be better off writing articles for mother's or Christian magazines but I searched and searched for an opportunity to no avail.
Finally I prayed, "God, if you want me to write a book, you need to send me some help because I have no idea how to even get started."
Within 2 days a Christian author named Kathy Pride, found my blog and offered to help me get started with a book if I was interested. I had not written anything in my blog about my desire to write a book. She had no way of knowing about my prayer two days earlier. She was a complete and utter answer to prayer.
Through her, I found EDM publishing and pitched my idea for a devotional book for mother's with toddlers. On a Thursday night in January, the CEO phoned me and told me a contract was on the way. The following day I was laid off from my job at Datamaxx. Coincidence? I think not.
I found a job playing piano on the weekends and pulled Caden out of daycare. This year I've been working on the book while staying at home with my son, playing the keys for cash on Friday and Saturday nights and thoroughly enjoying my life...money is always tight, housing stress has robbed me of my joy a time or two, but I am excited about where God is taking my writing career and my family. Obviously, He is making this writing thing happen...I'm humbled and honored.
Now with baby #2 on the way, I will have so much more to write about...I am so proud of my husband for being an incredible man and I am head over heels in love with Caden...seriously...in love with him. He is dangerously cute, incredibly smart, very talented and wonderfully behaved. People are always amazed at how polite and witty he is...He is a great person and I'm proud to be his mom.
According to contract, the book should be in print by April 2010. I haven't received any feedback from the company yet, but I am hoping to hear what they think soon.
SO yes, from time to time, we will fail...but I think God's definition of failure is different than ours...and I am choosing to be more thrilled with His blessings than I am upset about my own misfortunes.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Epic Fail
The other night I had a lot of thoughts running through my head that I wanted to write down. This always happens to me late at night when I'm trying to get to sleep. God inspires me with a thought and I usually can't sleep until I type it out of my system. This particular night though, I desperately wanted to go to sleep. I said, "I'll do it tomorrow, I promise!" and I tossed and turned until eventually, I fell asleep.
The next day my computer died. Out of the blue, with no warning...it just powered off, broke down and still will not turn back on...it's dead.
Coincidence? Maybe. But I think next time I'll get out of bed when the feeling arises...just in case...
Lucky for me, Amber's laptop is sitting here and she is kind enough to share her technology. So I am going to attempt to write what I felt God lay upon my heart to write about the other night, and hope that He can still use it, despite my tardiness
Caution: It's Long.
For those of you who did not know, Jay and I currently own a house in the tiny town of Crawfordville, Florida...about a 45 commute from Tallahassee. In April 2007, we purchased our first home. Jay was doing well at work, selling high end fitness equipment, I was staying at home with Caden, we had two families of close friends in Crawfordville that helped us with Caden and kept us company...things were great. Jay had a motorcycle that he drove back and forth to Tallahassee so even though gas was expensive, we weren't spending a whole lot on commuting. I would go into Tallahassee maybe twice or three times a week for church and socializing...in the beginning, it was great.
Within the year, both of the families we knew in Crawfordville moved away. We were sad to see them go but happy that they were moving onto bigger and better things. We began to feel very secluded and lonely in the country and realized we were city mice so we put the house on the market...things were slow but that was OK because we didn't 'have' to move...we just 'wanted' to. The housing market began to crash and because of the crippled economy, Jay was selling less and less fitness equipment. When people stop buying houses, they stop buying high end toys to put in them. Since his salary was commission based, our family income began a steady decline. To supplement, I went back to work part-time and Caden started attending daycare, 2-3 days a week. The income kept declining so I started working full-time and Caden began attending daycare from 8:00-5:30 every day. Since the entire family was commuting to Tallahassee everyday we were burning gas like crazy and driving 45 minutes in each direction, which was really hard on then 2-year-old Caden. Jay decided to sell his motorcycle to help with the budget. I have a lump in my throat even writing that. He loved that bike so much and I swear, he'll have another one, a huge, sick Harley someday.
Jay changed jobs and began selling advertising for WAYFM but that was a commission based job too and businesses weren't buying advertising just like families weren't buying fitness equipment. Each day we left the house at 7am, drove into the city, everyone went to work/school and at 5:30pm we were all in the car again, heading home. With traffic we were home by 6:30 just in time to feed Caden dinner, give him a bath and put him to bed.
I was miserable. Completely guilt ridden because I never saw my child, my house was a wreck from always being in a rush, we were all alone in a town with no friends and we were stuck in a mortgage payment that was sucking us dry. It was horrid...but in the midst of it all, we worked hard and did what we had to do.
We could not have predicted any of this. We didn't know when we moved into our 'dream home' that it would go so poorly. We didn't know we'd be so miserable in that city. We didn't know our family income would be literally cut in half. We didn't know we'd have to drain our savings more and more each month just to make the mortgage payment...we just didn't know...
Finally we did a lot of research about short sales and decided it was the only way we were going to sell our home before we just couldn't afford to live there anymore so we solicited the help of a local real estate office who have been really wonderful.
In January, I was called into my boss's office and asked if I would mind giving up my next pay cheque, that I had already worked 2 weeks for...apparently my family weren't the only people in trouble...my employer was too. I told her I could sacrifice half of the money I'd already earned and she let me know that they would try to pay me what they could...it was an unsettling situation. My boss was crying, noticeably experiencing her own unforeseen failure and out of nowhere, I started crying too! I told her how miserable I was working and how much I missed my son. We agreed to a voluntary layoff so I packed up my desk, hugged my co-workers and walked away, uncertain of the future. It turns out I would have been let go in a mass firing a week later anyway...
In February 2009, we had just enough money to make a really hard decision...we could use it to move into a cheaper apartment in the city (hire a moving truck, pay deposits, etc) or we could pay one more mortgage payment and be too broke to move AND too broke to stay the following month.
You have to understand that this is impossibly difficult for me to write...I'm not proud of this story. I never saw myself here...after years and years of working hard, paying off debt, tithing to church and people in need...I didn't think this would happen to me...I envisioned a glorious deliverance that still hasn't come...
We decided to move.
I'll admit, day to day life is easier now. I am home with my son and we're all healthier for it. My husband is managing a health club 3 seconds down the street from where we live and is not only doing an amazing job, but he loves doing it! We have taken on a roommate named Amber who is a fantastic addition to our family and we hardly drive anywhere anymore...but I am constantly reminded of the home that sits empty in Crawfordville. The place where we thought we'd live for a long, long time. There's a little boy's room out there with markings on the closet door frame, showing how much he's grown. The backyard where we once played and ran through the sprinkler is now grown over and weed ridden. Now we are in an apartment with white walls, questionable neighbours and not enough space for a dining room table. It's heart wrenching to think about. I am blessed to have my time back with my family but I wish it hadn't happened this way.
We failed. I am sobbing as I write this because failure hurts. It is embarrassing to know how some people view me now...it is frustrating to do everything 'right' and still have things end so wrong...I shutter to think about the conversations people have had about me, the relationships in my life that are forever changed because of this...failure is a good indicator of who your friends are...
Mostly, it hurts me for Jay...the hardest working, most brilliant, self-disciplined man I've ever known...I just want him to catch a break and to know that none of this has been his fault...instead, it is because of him that we have what we do have; a healthy, loving family with a roof over our heads and a happy little boy who couldn't care less where we live as long as there are lots of hugs and kisses there...
Why write this? Why make this public knowledge? In a world where so many thrive off of appearing as though they have it altogether, why divulge 'too much information' on the internet? Well, because God wanted me to...and because I think someone needs to hear that failure is an inevitable and necessary evil...a part of life that God has every intention of each human being having to deal with. Failure is not the absence of God or even necessarily the absence of right decision making...there isn't always someone to blame...it just is what it is...unpredictable and strengthening...I am different now because I've failed. I am stronger, I am wiser, I am a better woman, wife and mother because I fell on my face in a big puddle of failure. In hindsight, we had no business buying a home...we didn't have enough savings, we weren't financially secure, we didn't do enough research...we didn't know what we were getting into...Failure broke me and now I can be rebuilt.
We have a person who is very interested in our house and has been patient enough to wait out this short sale process with us...it's a very slow process....but we're hopeful we will not foreclose and will receive approval from the bank to sell the home for only slightly less than we owe on it. We are aware that our credit score will probably begin with a 4 when this is all said and done but we aren't slaves to it. We don't intend to finance anything ever again and we won't be buying another house anytime soon.
I once heard a father say about his college-aged son, "I'm not going to send him out into the world just to watch him fail."
I understand the concern of this father but withholding freedom to avoid failure is doing his child a disservice. Failure is not to be avoided...big failure is the result of big risk and is the undesired result of trying to obtain great things.
As much as it hurts, I would rather have tried, failed, and learned than to never have tried at all.
The next day my computer died. Out of the blue, with no warning...it just powered off, broke down and still will not turn back on...it's dead.
Coincidence? Maybe. But I think next time I'll get out of bed when the feeling arises...just in case...
Lucky for me, Amber's laptop is sitting here and she is kind enough to share her technology. So I am going to attempt to write what I felt God lay upon my heart to write about the other night, and hope that He can still use it, despite my tardiness
Caution: It's Long.
For those of you who did not know, Jay and I currently own a house in the tiny town of Crawfordville, Florida...about a 45 commute from Tallahassee. In April 2007, we purchased our first home. Jay was doing well at work, selling high end fitness equipment, I was staying at home with Caden, we had two families of close friends in Crawfordville that helped us with Caden and kept us company...things were great. Jay had a motorcycle that he drove back and forth to Tallahassee so even though gas was expensive, we weren't spending a whole lot on commuting. I would go into Tallahassee maybe twice or three times a week for church and socializing...in the beginning, it was great.
Within the year, both of the families we knew in Crawfordville moved away. We were sad to see them go but happy that they were moving onto bigger and better things. We began to feel very secluded and lonely in the country and realized we were city mice so we put the house on the market...things were slow but that was OK because we didn't 'have' to move...we just 'wanted' to. The housing market began to crash and because of the crippled economy, Jay was selling less and less fitness equipment. When people stop buying houses, they stop buying high end toys to put in them. Since his salary was commission based, our family income began a steady decline. To supplement, I went back to work part-time and Caden started attending daycare, 2-3 days a week. The income kept declining so I started working full-time and Caden began attending daycare from 8:00-5:30 every day. Since the entire family was commuting to Tallahassee everyday we were burning gas like crazy and driving 45 minutes in each direction, which was really hard on then 2-year-old Caden. Jay decided to sell his motorcycle to help with the budget. I have a lump in my throat even writing that. He loved that bike so much and I swear, he'll have another one, a huge, sick Harley someday.
Jay changed jobs and began selling advertising for WAYFM but that was a commission based job too and businesses weren't buying advertising just like families weren't buying fitness equipment. Each day we left the house at 7am, drove into the city, everyone went to work/school and at 5:30pm we were all in the car again, heading home. With traffic we were home by 6:30 just in time to feed Caden dinner, give him a bath and put him to bed.
I was miserable. Completely guilt ridden because I never saw my child, my house was a wreck from always being in a rush, we were all alone in a town with no friends and we were stuck in a mortgage payment that was sucking us dry. It was horrid...but in the midst of it all, we worked hard and did what we had to do.
We could not have predicted any of this. We didn't know when we moved into our 'dream home' that it would go so poorly. We didn't know we'd be so miserable in that city. We didn't know our family income would be literally cut in half. We didn't know we'd have to drain our savings more and more each month just to make the mortgage payment...we just didn't know...
Finally we did a lot of research about short sales and decided it was the only way we were going to sell our home before we just couldn't afford to live there anymore so we solicited the help of a local real estate office who have been really wonderful.
In January, I was called into my boss's office and asked if I would mind giving up my next pay cheque, that I had already worked 2 weeks for...apparently my family weren't the only people in trouble...my employer was too. I told her I could sacrifice half of the money I'd already earned and she let me know that they would try to pay me what they could...it was an unsettling situation. My boss was crying, noticeably experiencing her own unforeseen failure and out of nowhere, I started crying too! I told her how miserable I was working and how much I missed my son. We agreed to a voluntary layoff so I packed up my desk, hugged my co-workers and walked away, uncertain of the future. It turns out I would have been let go in a mass firing a week later anyway...
In February 2009, we had just enough money to make a really hard decision...we could use it to move into a cheaper apartment in the city (hire a moving truck, pay deposits, etc) or we could pay one more mortgage payment and be too broke to move AND too broke to stay the following month.
You have to understand that this is impossibly difficult for me to write...I'm not proud of this story. I never saw myself here...after years and years of working hard, paying off debt, tithing to church and people in need...I didn't think this would happen to me...I envisioned a glorious deliverance that still hasn't come...
We decided to move.
I'll admit, day to day life is easier now. I am home with my son and we're all healthier for it. My husband is managing a health club 3 seconds down the street from where we live and is not only doing an amazing job, but he loves doing it! We have taken on a roommate named Amber who is a fantastic addition to our family and we hardly drive anywhere anymore...but I am constantly reminded of the home that sits empty in Crawfordville. The place where we thought we'd live for a long, long time. There's a little boy's room out there with markings on the closet door frame, showing how much he's grown. The backyard where we once played and ran through the sprinkler is now grown over and weed ridden. Now we are in an apartment with white walls, questionable neighbours and not enough space for a dining room table. It's heart wrenching to think about. I am blessed to have my time back with my family but I wish it hadn't happened this way.
We failed. I am sobbing as I write this because failure hurts. It is embarrassing to know how some people view me now...it is frustrating to do everything 'right' and still have things end so wrong...I shutter to think about the conversations people have had about me, the relationships in my life that are forever changed because of this...failure is a good indicator of who your friends are...
Mostly, it hurts me for Jay...the hardest working, most brilliant, self-disciplined man I've ever known...I just want him to catch a break and to know that none of this has been his fault...instead, it is because of him that we have what we do have; a healthy, loving family with a roof over our heads and a happy little boy who couldn't care less where we live as long as there are lots of hugs and kisses there...
Why write this? Why make this public knowledge? In a world where so many thrive off of appearing as though they have it altogether, why divulge 'too much information' on the internet? Well, because God wanted me to...and because I think someone needs to hear that failure is an inevitable and necessary evil...a part of life that God has every intention of each human being having to deal with. Failure is not the absence of God or even necessarily the absence of right decision making...there isn't always someone to blame...it just is what it is...unpredictable and strengthening...I am different now because I've failed. I am stronger, I am wiser, I am a better woman, wife and mother because I fell on my face in a big puddle of failure. In hindsight, we had no business buying a home...we didn't have enough savings, we weren't financially secure, we didn't do enough research...we didn't know what we were getting into...Failure broke me and now I can be rebuilt.
We have a person who is very interested in our house and has been patient enough to wait out this short sale process with us...it's a very slow process....but we're hopeful we will not foreclose and will receive approval from the bank to sell the home for only slightly less than we owe on it. We are aware that our credit score will probably begin with a 4 when this is all said and done but we aren't slaves to it. We don't intend to finance anything ever again and we won't be buying another house anytime soon.
I once heard a father say about his college-aged son, "I'm not going to send him out into the world just to watch him fail."
I understand the concern of this father but withholding freedom to avoid failure is doing his child a disservice. Failure is not to be avoided...big failure is the result of big risk and is the undesired result of trying to obtain great things.
As much as it hurts, I would rather have tried, failed, and learned than to never have tried at all.
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