This time last year

I often look back at my life from an annual perspective.

"Where was I this time last year? What was I doing? What was I feeling? How different was my life?"

This time last year I was probably facing and working through the greatest depression of my life. I was in a very dark place, one that I wasn't sure I would recover from...Praise Jesus for hearing those midnight prayers....
This time last year I was about 5 months pregnant and scared out of my mind. I had somehow convinced myself that I was alone in the universe...that there was no one to talk to...or at least there was no one I wanted to talk to. My future as I saw it was laced with doom.
I remember having my first panic attack. It was a bad time, a very bad time.


The year before that, November 2004, Jason and I were living in St. Catharines, ONT, Canada and had just received word that Jason's visa had been revoked, he was not legal to work or go to school in Canada and he had to be out of the country in 3 months. We were told upon entering Canada that he was completely legal and that his visa could not be taken away...so we signed a lease on an apartment, bought new furniture, visited my family in Newfoundland and then we get the phone call, "The Canadian government has decided that a Canadian can do this job just effectively as an american so...." you know the rest...
I remember one day we were walking down the street and crawled up underneath an overpass, sitting with pigeons and watching the cars drive by....we decided that would be a good spot to live when we were homeless. I know our friends and family would never have let that happen but those were still desperate, desperate times.

For some reason I have been haunted by the remains of 'this time last year and the year before' to the point that I am letting it effect my present. I'm no where near (not even maybe) to being as down as I was then, but I'm certainly not the picture of joy and positivity. My back pain is begining to wear on me....stresses are making my eyes twitch and my teeth grind....

The great thing about looking back at those desperate moments is seeing how God delivered us, faithfully every single time. In Canada we were told we would have to live in seperate countries for probably the next 2 years of our marriage..and it was as if God touched the shoulder of the immigration officer we were dealing with and they decided to make an exception for us...that's how we ended up in Tallahassee....
In Charlotte, God carried me through my darkest hours and in March my beautiful son was born...this also led us back to Tallahassee because this is exactly where God wants us to be with our Son.

So writing this and remembering back has given me hope...I'm excited for the miracles God is going to perform in our lives in the up and coming days...He is faithful, even when we're not. He will come through and blow us away with his amazingness just like he did this time last year...and the year before that...and the year before that.....