Late Night Ramblings

It's really late. Well, late for me anyways. I can't sleep tonight, which is wierd cause I've done nothing but sleep for a really long time. I guess it's all catching up with me. I've got lots of things on my mind tonight. I feel awful that I've missed so much work, even though I know I was physically unable to go. I've always had this problem of wanting everyone around me to be OK with my life and my decisions. It's wierd and it is the number one thing that I would change about myself. I find myself wanting to go around and justify to everyone just how sick I was and how I really needed the rest so people won't think that I am lazy or weak. I talked to my friend Johnny about this problem and he gave me some wonderful pearls of wisdom. He said, "Kathy, there are people in this world who if you pooped out Gold for them, they'd complain because you had to poop it out."
As 'stinky' as this analogy may be, he was absolutly right. I just wish there was a way to please everyone, all of the time and still be happy yourself. But I guess there's only one perfect place and it's in another realm.
Another thought that I am wrestling with is about the Salvation Army. I guess I've been a bit discouraged by it even though the corps in Tallahassee is growing leaps and bounds. As a young Salvationist, the last thing that I want to be is an Army basher. There's too much of that going on already. I am a firm believer that problems shouldn't be brought up unless there are solutions to follow and that people shouldn't complain abou something if their not going to get their hands dirty to fix it. Since coming to the Army in America, I've learned many things. It is a VERY different Army than I am use to, a much more difficult one to be a part of in all honesty, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Anything worth being a part of is worth fighting for. The mission and the history and the drive of people to spread the gospel are why I became a soldier however, I've been hurt more by people in the Army then in any other walk of life, which is why I praise God that I have learned early on that the Army is not what I have a problem with, but it is the people and the decisions. Like any organization, the Army can not be run by hampsters, so if I choose to be a member of this 'movement' I must make peace with those who run it. There my friends, lies my problem. I have been having a grim outlook lately as to where the Army is being taken. There is much 'talk' and much good intention to bring the Army back and make it about the people again, but the talk is much bigger than the movement. I know that God is raising up a new Army. I've seen indivduals from different parts of North America develop the same passions and drives for an evangelistic Army, and the only way it is possible for all of these strangers to share the same passion is The Holy Spirit. I'm encouraged by what I see Salvationists discovering and the steps that are being made towards a radical and Hazardous church that really 'impacts' the world for God. I guess I'm overwhelmed by how much work there is to be done and how the ripple effect that I see occuring in the waters of the Army are so small. I guess I want a 6 second ABS kind of Army. A 6 second Army. I want change NOW! The Army is such a burocracy that those on the front lines have very little to no voice yet they are the ones with the vision and the drive for an effective Army. People tell Jason and I all the time that our thoughts and fears and annoyances with this 'establishment' are exactly why we need to stick with it and come into a position where we can make decisions to change it for the better, but alot of the time our discouragement outweighs our drive and we wonder if we are in the right denomination. Here is what I have learned from writing all of these thoughts down. (this is why I blog...i learn alot more about myself)
1) I don't have a problem with "The Salvation Army", I have a problem with where people have taken it and where it will inevidably end up if our focus remains "country club" and not "reaching people, anyway possible."
2) I need am completely committed to my job as a Salvation Army Mission Specialist here in Tallahassee because this position allows me the unique privelege of being paid to tell people about Jesus and that's it! I'm not an assistant or a youth worker or a music director...I am literally paid to tell people about Christ and invite them to church and it is working! The numbers speak for themselves! Praise God!
3) I need to continue to PRAY long and hard for this Army, my role in it, the movement that is taking place, the leadership that is established and my prayer will be just as that of William Booth. I can't remember the General's exact words, but he said that if the Army stopped doing what it was raised up to do he would pray that God would put an end to it. More famously, William Booth said the following:
"While women weep as they do now, I’ll fight; while little children go hungry as they do now, I’ll fight; while men go to prison, in and out, in and out, as they do now, I’ll fight; while there is a drunkard left, while there is a poor lost girl on the streets, while there remains one dark soul without the light of God, I’ll fight – I’ll fight to the very end."
I believe we need to pick our battles, and people are worth fighting for...every single time. I hope and pray that over the next 20 months of my employment with The Salvation Army that I will see an Army that actually fights, that takes more time to make relationships with the unsaved from every walk of life, that DOES just as much as it SAYS and spends more money on meeting the physical needs of the poor than it does on 'US' stuff like retreats and hand scanners at DHQ. Show me that Army and I will fight in it, either way I'll fight the good fight of faith and try my best to share Jesus with everyone I meet. I'm thankful that God has placed us here with fresh new leaders and so much ground work to be done.
Wow this is a really long winded and slightly controversial entry for me. Hope I didn't come across as being too whinny...just had to get all of that off my chest.
To end on a positive note...MY THROAT IS NORMAL SIZE AGAIN! WAHOO! I hope I can spread Jesus without spreading Mono.