So, last night was the first night Preston slept in his nursery. He went down at 11 and didn't wake again to eat until 3am! Since it was his first time sleeping more than arms length away, I had the baby monitor up nice and loud and woke up every hour, nervous that I may have missed something while sleeping. But at 3 am, he woke and I went to feed him.
After about 40 minutes of eating, he was ready to settle back down. I put him in his crib, swaddled him up, put the paci in his mouth and went back upstairs.
He was peaceful and quiet when I left but by the time I got upstairs, I could hear him grunting and groaning through the monitor. I got back in bed, hoping he would settle back down on his own. He did this forabout 30 minutes while I lay listening.
Suddenly, I heard a voice, faintly on the monitor reception. I immediately assumed I was picking up a cordless phone frequency and thought nothing of it, other than how annoying it was.
Preston got a little louder...still not crying but grunting a lot. Then I heard the voice say, "Shhhh, Shhhh, it's ok. You're with someone who loves you."
WHAT?! I shot up in bed and woke Jay, telling him what happened and made a mad dash downstairs. When I got to Preston's room, he was silently sleeping, all alone in his room (thank goodness!) and when i listened for the baby monitor again the grunting and calming voice was still happening.....long story short, my monitor was picking up a crystal clear signal from the baby monitor next door and that baby that had been fussing and keeping me awake wasn't even mine!!!
Relieved, I decided to sleep on the couch for the rest of the night and forgo the monitor...but it took me forever to get back to sleep because my adrenaline was through the roof from being so freaked out.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
He's Here
Preston James Stock
9 pounds, 1 oz, 21.5 inches long
Born April 18, 2010 at 4:56pm and he's perfect in every way.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
It's Not About You
I am really sad today about how people so easily throw in the towel on Christianity. My life is filled with individuals who at one point or another, passionately loved God but checked out as soon as things got boring, complicated or too difficult. For some reason, I've been burdened about this a lot this morning. I didn't sleep last night (because I'm too uncomfortable to) and I was looking forward to grabbing some rest this morning while Caden is at his friend's house but I can't shut my mind off. I can't stop thinking about God's heart and how it must break at the way His children view Him.
I think when people start thinking about God or even 'get saved' they fall into this false mentality that it's about them. That God was created for their happiness, pleasure and purposes when the opposite is true. God wasn't created for you. You were created for God...and by God.
This selfish type of Christianity is fueled by what we've made it. We use the words 'Personal Savior' when that doesn't appear anywhere in scripture. He's not your personal savior like your personal butler or your personal gardener who is ordered and directed to fit the needs of you and your household. He is God. He created the world and everything in it and He alone knows what everything and everyone is created for.
I'm realizing that salvation is very different than what most new Christians think that it is...and perhaps it is our fault for false advertising...but I think the misconception is what causes so many people to say 'yes' to God and then fizzle out quickly when it doesn't look or feel the way they thought it would.
I realize that there are plenty of happy people who don't love God. Being a Christian is not about the pursuit of happiness. Lots of things will make you happy...in fact, sometimes choosing God will make you uncomfortable, tense and persecuted. The promise of Christianity is not happiness and situational perfection...it is purpose.
Salvation is a choice that may or not feel good to make. So many people wait for a moment of heightened emotionalism in an appropriate church environment before accepting Christ and that moment becomes their 'Salvation moment'. We wait for that moment when it feels right...a movie-esque, emotional readiness...the problem is that when that 'feeling' fades away, so does the lifestyle. Salvation is recognizing that there is a God, believing that He came to earth as a human who took the blame for everything we have done, are doing or are going to do that separates us from who He is and then choosing to say, "You can have me, God...you have control over my stuff, my goals, my family, my future...You may or may not change the details of my life but if you do, it's OK with me because I trust you, love you and am so humbled by what you did for me that I am going to chose to live my life for you, regardless of what that means. Forgive me and make me better than I am. I'm excited about becoming the person you've created me to be."
This is not an easy choice. We live in a world driven by selfishness. We pursue money and status and anything that increases our pleasure and decreases our pain. That's why so many people choose not to live for God...why sell out to something when it doesn't guarantee that things will be great for me?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
And that's why it's a choice. You have every right to say, "No thanks, I'm good. I'm happy, I have success, money, friends, family and I love my life just the way it is." God has given you a thinking mind and the ability to chose Him or protect your assets. The bible explains that the end result of this kind of living is eternally separation from God = Hell. I, for one, am not terribly motivated by this. I don't chose God as a means of avoiding Hell. I honestly don't. It's not about where I end up...even though I know my soul is homesick for Heaven, my motivation to love God and raise my children to love him is not wrapped up in an intense fear of Hell. It's wrapped up in a love and trust for God as my Father. I can have everything this world has to offer but if He's not a part of it, it's useless and has no value. We get one life and one chance to be great...and since God's weakness is greater than my strongest moment, I want Him to be what I live for. Following God isn't about getting into Heaven, although it will be glorious to see Him face to face someday...it's about embracing what life is all about. Want to know what 'this' is all about? It's God! He made it, He orchestrated it, He formed it, He loves it and it's all for Him...and when we chose to say, "I believe there's a God but that's about as deep as it goes," we're missing out on the purpose of being alive...we are making God fit into our world instead of asking Him how we fit into His.
I know SO many people who once loved God but don't have time for Him anymore and I hate it. I hate what He has become in the lives of people who have tried other things and like them better. I hate how His heart must break at the rejection He receives from His own children...but I am realizing that it comes down to simply choosing...and a person can't be convinced to be a Christian based on false promises of a flawless future or scaring them into loving God by dangling Hell in front of their face. It's a choice that you make whether you feel it's the right moment or not. It's a daily choice to seek His face and do His work in the planet...to view your life differently than just to accumulate as much good as you can for yourself. It's about surrendering your right to have everything you want and accepting the fullness and purpose that comes from being everything He wants.
I'm probably rambling...I just really wish people saw God for who He is, not what He can do for them. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing you walk through life with the Creator of it. There's nothing better by which to define yourself because your job can come and go...your assets can go up in smoke...your family and friends can disappoint you...your body will age and deteriorate...your children will grow up and have lives of their own...the only one who is unchanging and can define your worth and your purpose is God, the Father.
I hope more people start to see how incredible He is and make the choice to come home.
I think when people start thinking about God or even 'get saved' they fall into this false mentality that it's about them. That God was created for their happiness, pleasure and purposes when the opposite is true. God wasn't created for you. You were created for God...and by God.
This selfish type of Christianity is fueled by what we've made it. We use the words 'Personal Savior' when that doesn't appear anywhere in scripture. He's not your personal savior like your personal butler or your personal gardener who is ordered and directed to fit the needs of you and your household. He is God. He created the world and everything in it and He alone knows what everything and everyone is created for.
I'm realizing that salvation is very different than what most new Christians think that it is...and perhaps it is our fault for false advertising...but I think the misconception is what causes so many people to say 'yes' to God and then fizzle out quickly when it doesn't look or feel the way they thought it would.
I realize that there are plenty of happy people who don't love God. Being a Christian is not about the pursuit of happiness. Lots of things will make you happy...in fact, sometimes choosing God will make you uncomfortable, tense and persecuted. The promise of Christianity is not happiness and situational perfection...it is purpose.
Salvation is a choice that may or not feel good to make. So many people wait for a moment of heightened emotionalism in an appropriate church environment before accepting Christ and that moment becomes their 'Salvation moment'. We wait for that moment when it feels right...a movie-esque, emotional readiness...the problem is that when that 'feeling' fades away, so does the lifestyle. Salvation is recognizing that there is a God, believing that He came to earth as a human who took the blame for everything we have done, are doing or are going to do that separates us from who He is and then choosing to say, "You can have me, God...you have control over my stuff, my goals, my family, my future...You may or may not change the details of my life but if you do, it's OK with me because I trust you, love you and am so humbled by what you did for me that I am going to chose to live my life for you, regardless of what that means. Forgive me and make me better than I am. I'm excited about becoming the person you've created me to be."
This is not an easy choice. We live in a world driven by selfishness. We pursue money and status and anything that increases our pleasure and decreases our pain. That's why so many people choose not to live for God...why sell out to something when it doesn't guarantee that things will be great for me?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
And that's why it's a choice. You have every right to say, "No thanks, I'm good. I'm happy, I have success, money, friends, family and I love my life just the way it is." God has given you a thinking mind and the ability to chose Him or protect your assets. The bible explains that the end result of this kind of living is eternally separation from God = Hell. I, for one, am not terribly motivated by this. I don't chose God as a means of avoiding Hell. I honestly don't. It's not about where I end up...even though I know my soul is homesick for Heaven, my motivation to love God and raise my children to love him is not wrapped up in an intense fear of Hell. It's wrapped up in a love and trust for God as my Father. I can have everything this world has to offer but if He's not a part of it, it's useless and has no value. We get one life and one chance to be great...and since God's weakness is greater than my strongest moment, I want Him to be what I live for. Following God isn't about getting into Heaven, although it will be glorious to see Him face to face someday...it's about embracing what life is all about. Want to know what 'this' is all about? It's God! He made it, He orchestrated it, He formed it, He loves it and it's all for Him...and when we chose to say, "I believe there's a God but that's about as deep as it goes," we're missing out on the purpose of being alive...we are making God fit into our world instead of asking Him how we fit into His.
I know SO many people who once loved God but don't have time for Him anymore and I hate it. I hate what He has become in the lives of people who have tried other things and like them better. I hate how His heart must break at the rejection He receives from His own children...but I am realizing that it comes down to simply choosing...and a person can't be convinced to be a Christian based on false promises of a flawless future or scaring them into loving God by dangling Hell in front of their face. It's a choice that you make whether you feel it's the right moment or not. It's a daily choice to seek His face and do His work in the planet...to view your life differently than just to accumulate as much good as you can for yourself. It's about surrendering your right to have everything you want and accepting the fullness and purpose that comes from being everything He wants.
I'm probably rambling...I just really wish people saw God for who He is, not what He can do for them. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing you walk through life with the Creator of it. There's nothing better by which to define yourself because your job can come and go...your assets can go up in smoke...your family and friends can disappoint you...your body will age and deteriorate...your children will grow up and have lives of their own...the only one who is unchanging and can define your worth and your purpose is God, the Father.
I hope more people start to see how incredible He is and make the choice to come home.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Figuring Things Out
I like figuring things out. I like blacks and whites, rights and wrongs, can's and can't's.
The older I get and the more experiences I have, the more I realize how life is not a formula and that more grey and uncertainty abounds than I care to admit. In many cases, there is more than one right way to do something...and often times, what is right doesn't necessarily feel good, comfortable or very right at all.
I've had a few conversations lately that have helped me recognize the power of my language and the limitations it and my ideas of who I am have placed on who I can be...more importantly, on what God can do through me.
As part of my obsession with having things neatly figured out, I like to have a firm grasp on what it is that I as a person can and can't do. There is safety in sticking with what you're good at and leaving the rest to someone else.
I've very narrowly defined myself by steering clear of what scares me and embracing the things that I find easiest or most comfortable...
I say I can't play sports, even though I have never really tried or received any training or tips to get better.
I say I can't drive a stick shift because at one time, I stalled out. Instead of pressing through and learning how to do it, I told myself it wasn't meant to be.
I love singing and playing the piano on my own but am intimidated about doing so with a band for fear of not being good enough.
I often say how much better I am at writing than physically speaking my thoughts and shy away from opportunities to express anything of depth verbally.
I put myself in a box and throw God's power in there with me...instead of stepping out in faith, truly believing that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me.
Now, I'm not saying that I can excel at everything if I just try hard enough. I don't believe that I can be whatever I want to be. That may sound morbid and hopeless, but it's true. I do however believe that I can be whatever God has called me to be and that His calling may not necessarily fall in line with my limited definition of who I am.
I've met people on the other end of the spectrum. I remember working with a man who had 0 natural musical ability but believed that it was his area of expertise. He had no rhythm and was completely tone deaf but when asked what he felt God had gifted him to do he proudly replied, "Music is my gift".
Sometimes we can be so blinded by what we want that we miss what we're suppose to have...we settle for being mediocre in the area of our choice instead of surrendering our right to choose and embracing greatness in the area God has for us.
I also use to be one of those people who believed that God called people to very specific paths, locations, occupations...that He created a path for us called "GOD'S WILL" and that we needed to seek Him with such sensitivity as to not miss a single step. I don't believe that anymore.
I have become convinced that God could manipulate me like a marionette if he wanted but that He choses not to...and I believe that regardless of whether I am 'here' or 'there', I can be everything that He has called me to be...and that obstacles or open doors that lead me from point A to point B are just part of this life thing...and life can't be figured out. It unfolds and develops and takes unexpected turns but He walks along side as an intimate guide...he doesn't drag from the front or shove from the back.
All of this to say, I am excited about my future and scared to death of it. I'm uncertain about everything except God's presence and I guess that's how it should be...it allows me to define myself by nothing and no one but the one who created me. I am going to start to chose my language and my attitude about my life and my abilities much more carefully so as not to sabotage myself or my potential.
God and I are coming out of the box.
The older I get and the more experiences I have, the more I realize how life is not a formula and that more grey and uncertainty abounds than I care to admit. In many cases, there is more than one right way to do something...and often times, what is right doesn't necessarily feel good, comfortable or very right at all.
I've had a few conversations lately that have helped me recognize the power of my language and the limitations it and my ideas of who I am have placed on who I can be...more importantly, on what God can do through me.
As part of my obsession with having things neatly figured out, I like to have a firm grasp on what it is that I as a person can and can't do. There is safety in sticking with what you're good at and leaving the rest to someone else.
I've very narrowly defined myself by steering clear of what scares me and embracing the things that I find easiest or most comfortable...
I say I can't play sports, even though I have never really tried or received any training or tips to get better.
I say I can't drive a stick shift because at one time, I stalled out. Instead of pressing through and learning how to do it, I told myself it wasn't meant to be.
I love singing and playing the piano on my own but am intimidated about doing so with a band for fear of not being good enough.
I often say how much better I am at writing than physically speaking my thoughts and shy away from opportunities to express anything of depth verbally.
I put myself in a box and throw God's power in there with me...instead of stepping out in faith, truly believing that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me.
Now, I'm not saying that I can excel at everything if I just try hard enough. I don't believe that I can be whatever I want to be. That may sound morbid and hopeless, but it's true. I do however believe that I can be whatever God has called me to be and that His calling may not necessarily fall in line with my limited definition of who I am.
I've met people on the other end of the spectrum. I remember working with a man who had 0 natural musical ability but believed that it was his area of expertise. He had no rhythm and was completely tone deaf but when asked what he felt God had gifted him to do he proudly replied, "Music is my gift".
Sometimes we can be so blinded by what we want that we miss what we're suppose to have...we settle for being mediocre in the area of our choice instead of surrendering our right to choose and embracing greatness in the area God has for us.
I also use to be one of those people who believed that God called people to very specific paths, locations, occupations...that He created a path for us called "GOD'S WILL" and that we needed to seek Him with such sensitivity as to not miss a single step. I don't believe that anymore.
I have become convinced that God could manipulate me like a marionette if he wanted but that He choses not to...and I believe that regardless of whether I am 'here' or 'there', I can be everything that He has called me to be...and that obstacles or open doors that lead me from point A to point B are just part of this life thing...and life can't be figured out. It unfolds and develops and takes unexpected turns but He walks along side as an intimate guide...he doesn't drag from the front or shove from the back.
All of this to say, I am excited about my future and scared to death of it. I'm uncertain about everything except God's presence and I guess that's how it should be...it allows me to define myself by nothing and no one but the one who created me. I am going to start to chose my language and my attitude about my life and my abilities much more carefully so as not to sabotage myself or my potential.
God and I are coming out of the box.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Good Friday
When I was 9, our church put together an Easter play. We practiced for weeks, my mom made costumes, we gathered props...I was so excited to be a part of it. My role? Middle curtain holder. That's right. We had assembled a hand held curtain which was a long piece of draping fabric, with three hockey sticks attached to it (how very Canadian, eh?) and three people walked the curtain out and blocked the public from seeing the scenery changes. I held the middle hockey stick...and I pretty much thought the production would not be able to happen without me. I took my job very seriously :)
The performance took place during the Good Friday service. When it was over, I went to the woman in charge and thanked her for letting me be a part of it. She laughed and said, "You're thanking me because you got to hold the curtain? Well, you're welcome!"
At the time, I couldn't figure out why she thought that was so funny, but I didn't think much about it.
After coming home, exhausted from my intense acting debut (sarcasm) I sat in my bedroom alone and thought about the production...and in the midst of my excitement and enthusiasm for having been a part of it, I began to cry. I specifically thought about the part of the production where the actors portrayed the scene of Jesus feeding the 5000...then I thought about what inevitably happened to him on the cross.
I remember that moment like it was yesterday...I was heart broken and guilt ridden about what Jesus went through, because he didn't deserve it. He was innocent. He was love.
I believe the story of feeding the 5000 stood out to me because it was a representation of how to do ministry God's way. That in the midst of the stress, demands, chaos and the hungry people waiting to be fed, Christ was nothing but patience and love. He physically showed us how to be his hands and feet AND attitude...he was perfection...the last person who deserved pain and rejection.
Every Good Friday since I was nine, I think about that...I know we aren't to live in a state of guilt and mourning...that doing so would negate the sacrifice that God so willingly made...but today, this day, is a day to remember in reverence the action that God took to show us the depth of his love for us. Today is a day to make the 'main thing' the main thing. It's a day to fall on our faces and say we're sorry and we're humbled and we graciously accept with unworthiness the sacrifice of love that this day represents. It's a day to stand in awe of who God is and what motivates Him to do what He does...His out-of-control love for you and me.
The performance took place during the Good Friday service. When it was over, I went to the woman in charge and thanked her for letting me be a part of it. She laughed and said, "You're thanking me because you got to hold the curtain? Well, you're welcome!"
At the time, I couldn't figure out why she thought that was so funny, but I didn't think much about it.
After coming home, exhausted from my intense acting debut (sarcasm) I sat in my bedroom alone and thought about the production...and in the midst of my excitement and enthusiasm for having been a part of it, I began to cry. I specifically thought about the part of the production where the actors portrayed the scene of Jesus feeding the 5000...then I thought about what inevitably happened to him on the cross.
I remember that moment like it was yesterday...I was heart broken and guilt ridden about what Jesus went through, because he didn't deserve it. He was innocent. He was love.
I believe the story of feeding the 5000 stood out to me because it was a representation of how to do ministry God's way. That in the midst of the stress, demands, chaos and the hungry people waiting to be fed, Christ was nothing but patience and love. He physically showed us how to be his hands and feet AND attitude...he was perfection...the last person who deserved pain and rejection.
Every Good Friday since I was nine, I think about that...I know we aren't to live in a state of guilt and mourning...that doing so would negate the sacrifice that God so willingly made...but today, this day, is a day to remember in reverence the action that God took to show us the depth of his love for us. Today is a day to make the 'main thing' the main thing. It's a day to fall on our faces and say we're sorry and we're humbled and we graciously accept with unworthiness the sacrifice of love that this day represents. It's a day to stand in awe of who God is and what motivates Him to do what He does...His out-of-control love for you and me.
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