I'm Ready

Caden is ready for his little brother to meet him.
Daddy is ready to hold his second born son.
Mama is ready to see her newest little man and experience life with her entire family.
I sat in Preston's room today and prayed over his bed, for rest and protection. I prayed over his rocking chair, that the comfort, food and quality time he spends in it will bring him health, peace and happiness. I prayed that he be as perfect as humanity is capable of being...that he love God and be aware of Him his entire life...that he would be set apart...the same prayer I've been praying for his big brother, long before I ever saw his face.
Early in this pregnancy, there were moments when I mourned the loss of our family of three, where I worried about whether I could love another child the way I do Caden and I wondered how Caden would do with having a sibling around.
I was apprehensive about the changes down the road.
Now, I feel like we're not quite complete without Mr. Preston...we're all excited to see his face, to make memories with him, to hold him and know he's OK. What once felt like normal and comfortable, doesn't feel quite normal or right without him being here too.
So, anytime you're ready Preston, we're ready too. We love you already.

A Silly 4 Year Old

Pro-Life

I've been thinking about this term a lot today. I feel like I need to write about it and when that feeling arises, it's usually suppose to. I have no idea if this is meant for one person, one hundred or just for me to articulate my thoughts. Either way, here it goes.
I am pro-life. This doesn't just describe how I feel about abortion, as so many people apply the terminology, but I'll start there. I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. I believe that God has called us to protect young, fragile and innocent life, regardless of how inconvenient or ruthless it's coming about. I understand that this isn't a black and white subject...that the woman who utilizes abortion as a last resort form of 'birth control' and the young girl who was raped by a family member are in completely different situations when it comes to their position, their responsibility for conception and their emotional state. I hate that in a sinful, ugly world, women sometimes have their innocence stolen from them and that in the most heart breaking cases, a child is brought into a horrifying situation due to this injustice however, I have to stand and believe that this still doesn't give anyone of us the right to take a life. Could I ever look an abused, raped or incest victim in the face and judge her harshly? Never in my life. But I believe in God's ability to take that nightmare and transform it into a victory, a beautiful story of redemption and grace. I believe every child is capable of being a man or woman after God's own heart.
Being pregnant, I've often wondered what I would do if the doctor told me that my pregnancy was putting my life at risk. This is another area of grey when it comes to abortion. As a woman of faith, I believe in God's ability to overcome obstacles and perform miracles...I would find it difficult, near impossible, to terminate a pregnancy based on what a doctor said was imminent danger when God is so much bigger than medicine and disease but at the same time, I have been given a mind and heart to make decisions for the well-being of my family. I was watching a TLC special the other day about a woman who's rare type of pregnancy was killing her. After coming close to death, the pregnancy was terminated to save her life. I whispered a prayer for her. I can't imagine being in that position. This type of pregnancy termination is so situational...and so difficult...and so case specific. I honestly don't know what I would do. On one hand, I have a family that needs me...on the other, I could be carrying a miracle child who just needed time to prove the medical community wrong...I hope I never have to face a decision of that magnitude. I praise God that both my boys had/have been healthy pregnancies. I am burdened today for women who have faced tragedy within pregnancy. Such an event requires super-human strength to deal.
I have no rage, anger or hatred towards any woman who has made a decision to terminate a pregnancy. I believe that angry protests with disturbing imagery is not the way to tackle this problem in society. It just fuels the widely though public opinion that Christians are heartless and crazy. I instead mourn the loss of the innocent and pray whole heartedly that women who feel like they have no other option, would find another option and we will invest our money and resources into areas that help provide those alternate solutions (the local women's pregnancy center, adoption organizations, etc).
Those who have followed my political writings are aware that I wasn't the biggest George W. Bush fan in the world, but I have to publicly commend him on his stance and pro-activeness on the position of abortion. He made great strides in the ending of late term abortion, a ruthless practice and although I believe that politics is not souly in place to overturn Roe Vs. Wade, I hope someday it's illegal to kill unborn children in this country, the same as it is illegal to kill anyone else. So that's my pro-life stance when it comes to abortion.
I don't believe a person can rightfully call themselves 'pro-life' if they are for the death penalty. People who are against abortion but for the death penalty can rightfully call themselves 'anti-abortionists' but not 'pro-life'. Life is life. The life of the unborn and innocent and the life of the sinful man or woman. By saying we can decide which citizens are fit to live and die is far too much power for any judge or jury to have. This is an out-dated and barbaric establishment that needs to be thrown out. From a spiritual perspective, it negates a lot of what Jesus died for. Jesus came and lived a sinless life, taking on the sins of the world (the murderer, rapist, gossiper, adulterer etc.) and dying for them so that we wouldn't have to...so that in Him, we could be dramatically changed and healed of our transgressions, no matter how miniscule or gargantuan. It's amazing to me that an American court room would have put Saul to death before he had the opportunity to become Paul. Trust me, I don't say this lightly. If anyone sexually assaulted, purposefully injured or took the lives of my children, I would need God's strength and probably the restraint of several burly men to keep me from taking that person out with my bare hands. As humans, we are entitled to anger, redemption and justice. As Christians, we are called to be immeasurably more and to recognize what God can do to miraculously transform a monster into a disciple. We are called to lay down our right for revenge. God is the one who chooses who lives and who dies. Christians often take a stance on this when it comes to abortion and euthanasia, but not the death penalty. It's always blown me away that we're so passionate about saving one life but so eager to fry another. God can make a miracle of both the unwanted, inconvenient and undeserving.
Outside of the whole Jesus thing :), capital punishment has taken the lives of innocent people, killing them for crimes they did not commit. In Florida alone, a non-profit organization called the Innocence Project has proven the innocence of 7 people who were either sentenced to life in prison or the death penalty. I had the opportunity to meet one of these men who was awarded millions of dollars in 'we're sorry we took 25 years away from your life and almost killed you' money...no amount of money can buy back what he's lost in both time and emotional/ mental strain. Thank God he wasn't killed before his innocence was proven. Many have not been as lucky. Also, it costs 70% more for a person to be on death row than to complete a life sentence in a maximum security facility. Trends in death penalty cases also prove it to be racist, sexist and biased. Check out the stats and facts at Amnesty International's Web Page.
Jay and I often watch 'Lock Up'. On this show, they highlight different offenders and tell the back story of their lives. The majority have had hellish upbringings, abusive homes and overwhelming neglect. I don't condone law breaking or violent acts but after hearing where a lot of these people have come from and lived through, I wonder if I wouldn't be the same way had I not grown up in a loving, protective family. Being 'pro-life' means seeing the whole person and recognizing the sanctity of what God has made, not seeing the crime alone and declaring that person hopeless and worthless. Amazing Grace is for them too.
So I guess, to make a long story even longer, I am pro-life...meaning I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe that God is bigger than anything we have done, could do or will do and that through Him we can surrender 'our rights' and do 'the right thing.' I recognize that it's easy for me to sit here and write about this topic and sound self-righteous. I am not. Trust me. I have an overwhelming amount of empathy for women who find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy...and I could never look a woman in the face, whose husband has been murdered by a ruthless, unapologetic killer and condescendingly say, "You just need to love the criminal the way that Christ loves the church." I know that this is a near impossible feat, that outside of Christ it doesn't make sense and that if it were me, I would probably struggle my entire life to get through the hate but I know what I believe God has called us to do, as men and women after His own heart. His greatest commandment was not for us to end abortion or maintain the man-made rituals of the church or take a pro-active stance against homosexuality...it is to love. Love. With no limits and no restrictions. It's easy to love the cute, kind and deserving. He has called us to love every one.
I hope and pray that this resonated with somebody who is needing and ready to lay down their right of being exhaustingly angry, cripplingly self-centered and painfully confused and take on new found eyes and thankfulness for the sanctity of human life, without harsh judgement towards those who may see things a different way.
If you made it to the end of this, thanks for reading.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

I'm Back! (No pun intended)

Sorry I've been MIA for a week or so. Baby Preston has descended into my lower abdomen (otherwise known as 'dropping' but that sounds so violent to me...) and his new position is wreaking havoc on my lower spine. Sunday afternoon, I sat on my couch to watch an MSNBC special about Newfoundland and it's role in 9/11 (amazing story by the way) and afterwards, I couldn't walk without terrible pain. For the majority of this week, I've been laying down, hobbling from bathroom to bed to couch and back again, unable to sit upright in a chair. This all stems from an injury I suffered many years ago and due to Preston's low lying position, is rearing it's ugly head again. Nothing chiropractics and ARP therapy can't tackle once Preston's out. Until then, the goal is to stay comfortable, resting when possible, preparing for Preston's exit. Herniated disks make childbirth seem so much more excruciating. Oh well, he's worth it.
Caden was always uncomfortably high while I was pregnant, giving me horrible heartburn and never really 'dropping' at all. 3 weeks before his due date he made his appearance just the same. Preston is in a very different position and although his sudden descent has caused my heartburn and windedness to almost disappear, my lower back is taking the brunt of the force.
I have to thank everyone who has come to my aid this week, helping with Caden, fixing meals for us, giving me rides to the chiropractor and hospital, calling to check in, sending uplifting emails and facebook comments and playing the violin for me while I whine. You know who you are. Thanks SO much.
As of right now, I'm feeling MUCH better than I did at the start of the week. I'm still unable to sit upright for any length of time without having my walking compromised but as long as I avoid evil chairs, I'm able to function pretty well without much pain. Thank God!
I'm nervous about going out in public and having a flare up. I really don't know until I go from sitting to walking whether or not I'll be able to put one foot in front of the other but I think with a few more days of rest, I'll be doing great...as long as I don't do anything stupid like wash the floor on my hands and knees or move furniture around. Nesting is dangerous. Lesson learned.
In other news, Caden is amazing and super excited about being a big brother. Jay is experiencing some serious success in his new position at Gold's Gym. The owners of the company are thrilled with what he is bringing to the table and this month feels more natural and right than last month did. The hours are long and the work sometimes taxing, but he is doing an incredible job. Very proud of him.
My mom and sister are coming to visit in May. I can't wait. It's going to be amazing. We're also planning a nice, mini-vacation with Jason's parents for June which will be a much needed refresher for everyone. Caden is really looking forward to his family coming, although he's not impressed that 'Pop's gotta work'. Hopefully we'll see Pop sooner than later ;)
I'm mailing the final edits of my book to the publisher tomorrow. I would have sent it earlier this week but the whole being immobile thing made it difficult to focus on anything but walking erect successfully. I'm so humbled and excited about this opportunity and can't wait to start working on the next piece.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks for stopping by and catching up.

BabyWise

I'm a big fan of the BabyWise Series by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. When Caden was a toddler I was so conflicted about my parenting style, how I wanted to discipline, structure, educate...just about everything. I checked out many books, all of which didn't resonate with me...many of which contradicted themselves...but then I picked up ToddlerWise and I was hooked. I highly recommend this series to anyone and everyone who needs info about children. There's BabyWise (a Sleep Reference Guide), BabyWise (6-12 months I think...), ToddlerWise, Pre-schoolWise, ChildWise, ...you get the picture.
As soon as I found out Preston was coming I ordered the BabyWise books and am just now having the time to read through them. I'm excited about being more confident and equipped this time around. Poor Caden was kind of like my guinea pig but thankfully he's turning out to be a pretty awesome little man in spite of my inabilities and hopefully because of our guidance as well.
The one theme that really echos within me as being true and right in this series is the importance of a healthy marriage in the role of raising a child. If you're a single parent or divorced co-parents, this doesn't mean your children can't be healthy human beings. Single parents (in my opinion) are the strongest people on the planet. Some marriages are so toxic that (depending on the circumstances) parenting and functioning separately is what's best for everyone involved. What I'm referring to is that IF there are two parents in the home, functioning as a married couple, that unit has a profound effect on their children and the health of it is the best gift they can give their kids.
One of my favourite lessons in parenting came from Phil Harris when he spoke at genesischurch.tv a few years ago. He said, "There was an 'us' before there was a 'them'."
So often when a child comes into the picture, a couple's focus shifts from each other to their child. The family becomes child centered. This is almost always done unintentionally and innocently. After all, what's not to love about your child? The joy and hope and warmth they bring is indescribable. I remember when Jay and I brought Caden home, we were both filled with this newfound sense that the world was a much better place now that he was in it.
Often times, couples put their children before each other, thinking this is best for the child when in fact, it's detrimental to them. Childwise talks about a little girl who was having trouble sleeping through the night and staying in her own bed. Each day she was tended to by her stay-at-home mom and each evening when Dad got home, he focused completely on her, playing with her, reading to her...doing all of the things great Dads do. They were baffled as to why she was such an unhealthy sleeper. After meeting with the authors of this book and implementing a nightly 'couch time' (a time when the parents sit and talk, in full view of their child, but make it clear that it's 'their' time and they are not to be interrupted) she was sleeping peacefully, all night long. The parents were confused as to how these two things correlated but soon realized that in the middle of the night, when they were both trying to get their little girl to sleep, was the only time she saw them working together, being together, talking to each other...and she craved it.
Kids want to see their parents making each other a priority. Parents need to feel confident in saying, "Daddy will play with you in just a minute but first I want to spend time with Mommy." We think this may cause our child to feel rejected, when in actuality (whether they whine about it in the moment or not) they need it, they crave it, they feel safe when their parents are united, confident in their family unit being a strong one.
Jay and I make a point to go on dates and we make sure Caden knows what we're doing and why. When we get dressed up and call a sitter, he asks, "Are you going on a date?" Sometimes he'll say, "I wanna come!" but we gently remind him that dates are special time for Mommy and Daddy to be together alone. This doesn't have to be expensive. Sometimes we call someone who is willing to watch Caden for free and we sit outside of Starbucks and talk for hours. For less than 3 bucks, you can have a great date night out.
It's hilarious how my 4 year old is already excited about getting married. He knows that what we have is a good thing. We have family time and one on one time where Caden gets to spend quality time with just me or just Daddy, but date night is a major priority for the health of our marriage and the health of our boys. We want to model the kind of marriage we want them to have...After all, my job is not to raise a child...it's to raise an adult...it's to raise him to leave me, as much as that stings. If he's not capable of leaving home, confident in his ability to function in the world, unafraid of failing in order to succeed then someday finding a wife and treating her like a queen, we've done something wrong. How we model life, especially marriage, plays a huge part in his success later in life.
I'm blessed to have married a man who's mother and step-father modeled a loving relationship. Bob loves Cathy. Cathy loves Bob. It's beautiful to watch...they are best friends.
I was blessed to watch my mother be an exceptional wife and my father be an exceptional husband. Because of his example, I knew what to look for and because of hers, I learned how to reciprocate love.
A healthy marriage is the best gift a married couple can give to their kids. I pray first that above all else Caden and Preston love God and live for Him. I want this for them more than I want academic success, professional success, anything. Secondly, I want them to be amazing husbands some day...who will then become amazing fathers. I can't wait to see and meet their beautiful families.

At Last...

Life has slowed down to a comfortable walking pace. Last week was my final week working at the Episcopal Church and I must say, as much as I loved it, learned a ton and needed the money, I'm glad to be done. I think I spent most of last week out of breath...between training the new hire (who I had to find myself!), a billion errands, Caden's birthday party (he turned 4 on Thursday!), worship team, traveling several hours to attend and play at a wedding and the whole baby growing thing, I was flat out exhausted. Today marks the start of a few low key weeks before Mr. Preston arrives. MUCH needed down time.
I do have to spend some of that time getting his room ready. We've done nothing. Thankfully, Shea and Matt Tillery have SHOWERED us with baby stuff so we've got a lot of the things we need. I just need to get some nursery decor together and a few odds and ends to feel really ready. He'll be here before we know it!
I'm due April 16th but Caden showed up 2.5 weeks, early weighing in at 7 pounds after measuring small his whole pregnancy...this child is a bit larger so I wouldn't be opposed to having him at the beginning of April...but I'll wait 'til he's done cooking...not like I have choice! ;)
I need to do some reading to feel prepared for this labor, delivery and newborn thing. I know I've done it before, but it was a while ago and I'm assuming that like every pregnancy, every labor is different too. I'm sure a refresher wouldn't hurt.
I also have been sent the final online copy of my book! I need to go through it and edit anything that I feel needs changing and then it should begin printing. The book is due on the 15th of April...Preston is due on the 16th...crazy.
So I'll be using my new found quiet time to prep for Preston's arrival, play with Caden, feel sane and upkeep the blog, since I've been slacking in recent weeks.
My home, my life, my parenting, my brain...it's all starting to feel right again...I'm so overwhelmingly thankful for my life.

Brain Explosion

That's what best describes my brain in the midst of the chaos that is life these days.
I'm working less than 20 hours a week, trying to do a job that involves about 30-40 hours of work...this means I'm always taking stuff home, bringing Caden into the office after his nap and really stressed out about dropping the ball and forgetting the details.
I've enjoyed my time at the church but I'm ready to move on and not be torn in a billion different directions.
My beautiful and amazing friend Kris has graciously been not only taking care of Caden while I work in the mornings, but has been picking him up and dropping him off at my door. Amazing. Life would not be functioning right now without her.
Jay's new job better be worth the cash. That's all I'm saying about that...nah, I'll say some more.
He is the hardest worker I've ever known and no one puts more pressure on Jay than Jay. He's been working 9-8, everyday and lost two of his three sales people during his first week of work because they relocated/took new positions somewhere else. This has left him working every day of the week (weekends included) to reach goals and that doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon. I know there's no where he'd rather be than with us but I also know that he has a passionate drive to make sure we have everything we need. I have so much respect for him and I miss him.
The new schedule has been hard. I am once again affirmed in thinking that single parents are the strongest people in the world. It's been really hard to do this on my own, since Jay and Caden are only seeing each other about 45 minutes a day in the mornings before work. We pick him up at 8 each evening (which usually turns into 8:30 if there's an issue at the gym) and Caden falls asleep on the way back to the house. I'm thinking that he is needing to be in bed by 7:30 with his new found aversion to daytime napping but with our car-sharing, that's not a possibility right now. He's been acting out a good bit and copping a big time attitude with me and others he feels comfortable enough with to lash out at. I feel bad for the little guy...he's just trying to adjust to the new schedule but I'm also having to crack down pretty hard on the behavior. It's been exhausting to say the least. We use to pull a great 'good cop-bad cop' routine...but now I'm the only cop around most of the time. Each day I bring Jay to work, go to work, run around like a crazy person getting things done, rush home, deal with a tired and attitude-filled little boy, get him in the bed...by this time it's 2:30 and I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast. Not good for a pregnant lady...Me hungry! Me want food!
I am about 33 weeks pregnant and am feeling pretty good. I tested positive for gestational diabetes during my first screening but I think it may have been a false reading. I'm still waiting to hear the results from the second screening which I'm hoping is fine...no news is good news, right?
I'm excited to set up Preston's nursery next week!! Baby furniture is tucked into every corner of the living room and thanks to my amazing friend and the most generous soul ever, Shea Tillery, I will have a truck load (literally) of more baby stuff tomorrow that her precious son Ollie has grown out of. My handful of close friends are the most amazing a woman could ever ask for.
I hope this post isn't coming across as negative, because I gave negativity up for Lent :) but it is my current reality. The key is that in the midst of the craziness, chaos, attitudes, ups and downs, I chose to be the best person I can be and count my blessings, which are numerous. Somedays I succeed...other days I fail miserably...thankfully, there's grace on those days.
The house is a MESS so I am going to go nest-it-up a little bit and maximize the 'none-swollen-feet' hours of the day to get some work done.
Until next time...when I have something a bit more inspirational to say...

New Hair

I think I am experiencing some cutter's remorse...but it's only hair and it will grow back.

Turning the other cheek

“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” Matthew 5:39

I've heard this passage of scripture 1000 times before. I'll be honest, I haven't read it recently but for some reason, it flashed into my mind this morning as I lay in bed, awake and praying for a woman in my life. This person doesn't read my blog and isn't on my facebook so this is not some lame attempt to send a passage aggressive message to someone in a cryptic way. I don't believe in using public sites for such purposes.

I was praying for a woman I know who is very angry and bitter. A woman who believes herself to be a victim of all things. A woman who refuses to acknowledge that anything unhealthy in her life is her fault or her choice. I've been praying for this person for quite some time. I woke up this morning in the 6 o'clock hour with her on my mind. I began praying peace over her. I began praying that God would change her heart. Suddenly Matthew 5:39 flashed across my mind and I began to interpret that verse in a way I hadn't before.

This verse isn't Jesus telling us to be passive and meek in the face of adversity. It isn't him telling us not to fight or stick up for ourselves when being oppressed. It isn't him saying, "If someone literally hits you, stand there and let him hit you again."

I believe that one way this scripture can be viewed is of Jesus saying, "Chose your attitude."

If you get smacked in the cheek, you have every right to be hurt and angry. You can say that you are entitled to your pain and show everyone you meet how red that part of your face is. You can use your sore jaw as a reason to be ugly to people, to be self-centered, to be inwardly focused. You can rub your face and grow angrier and angrier every time you think of the person who did that to you. You can let the red, throbbing side of your face be the part that represents you....or.....you can turn the other cheek outward and let THAT side represent you.

In the midst of having every reason to be sad, angry, depressed and selfish, you can chose to literally put your best face forward. You can chose your attitude.

I think Jesus might have been saying, "When someone hurts you, show them the best sides of you...let them know they can't defeat you with their negativity and their abuse because you chose not to be defeated. Show them the good side even when they get on your bad side."

It was an interesting thought...not one that came from countless hours, dissecting the original scrolls or cross referencing historical facts but just an image and an idea that flashed into my head while I lay in bed in the morning, praying for someone who needed intercession.

A word of advice: Turn the other cheek...and be cautious of the people you see who embrace their right to have a busted jaw...they may be the ones swinging a left hook in your direction. Hurt people, hurt people. Don't be the one causing the pain.

Jesus Will Disappoint You

The following is taken from an article in Relevant Magazine:

"I’ve learned my disappointment is always tied to my imperfect projected expectations upon a perfectly loving God who doesn’t always behave as I would have Him. God is not our puppet, though we like to pretend He is. And when we come face to face with the reality that we are rarely in control of our lives and most certainly not in control of God, disappointment results. Disappointment that we can’t have things our way, in our timing. Jesus will disappoint all of us, but in time we will see our disappointing moments are also our most refining ones. They are the moments that birth hope and instill the necessary wisdom for a future we must face.
When we reduce Jesus to merely an insightful person but refuse to recognize Him as the all-knowing sovereign Creator of the world, we lose the privilege of really knowing Him. The words in 1 John set my heart at ease: “This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19-20).

God has no obligation, nor intention, to explain every happening He causes or allows in our lives. That doesn’t make Him any less loving or good. It makes Him a father. A father who, like I do regularly with my little girl, withholds explanations His children don’t need or won’t understand."

- Russ Masterson

Mom Town

Mom Town is a strange place. It can be thankless and lonely while being amazing and insanely rewarding. Somedays you feel like the President and other days you feel like the sewage worker...or the punching bag at the local gym. Nothing pays better or worse than the occupation of motherhood. The majority of what you do is unseen and unrecognized by human eyes but incredibly appreciated by anyone who comes in contact with you, whether they can put their finger on it or not.
The residents of Mom Town make an incredible difference to the planet everyday, even when they don't shower or leave their houses. The work they do is taxing in every way imaginable but they are more than glad to do it...in fact, they can't fathom not doing it. They can not clock out and they can not go anywhere else.
Mom town can be a bit of an obnoxious place from time to time. There are many residents who believe their methods of parenting are the best and they feel the need to give unsolicited advice CONSTANTLY, whether it's good or not. Whether they have one child or eight children, some residents of Mom Town act like they have PhD's when they've barely reached the first grade of motherhood. Other times they abuse their position and do not live up to their title. This brings everyone in the town down.
The residents of Mom town can be awesome for each other or detrimental to one another, depending on the day. This is due to the incredible amounts of estrogen and progesterone flowing through the aqueducts of the city. The most powerful and wonderful residents of Mom Town are the real and down to earth women who do their best, love their kids and can admit that they don't know everything. They have a sense of humor about themselves and a sense of empathy for each other. They make the city worth living in.
The residents of Mom Town take a special interest in the people of Pregnantville. In fact, a lot of the Mom Town ladies reside on the border of Pregnantville and Mom Town, several times throughout their lifetime. Pregnantville is a passionate and interesting place. The residents of Pregnantville have to put up with a lot during their stay. They receive the unsolicited advice of the Mom Towners while enduring the ignorant comments from the people of Mansboro and 'No-kids-yet' City. There is something in the water of Pregnantville that can make ones hair and skin look radiant while making them sick to their stomach at the same time. It's a fun place, a beautiful place, a place of miracles and destiny.
I've been twice and although I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, I don't think I'll return after this last trip :) Two times in Pregnantville is quite enough for me.
But Mom Town is somewhere I plan on staying forever. Even though there's no such thing as sleeping in or eating your food while it's warm, it's still the greatest place on earth.
It's everything I never knew I wanted and I'm so grateful to be here.

Success

We attended a different church last week. When people hear that they generally assume all kinds of things. What happened? Why are they leaving their church? I wonder why they don't like their old church anymore?
In reality, we just wanted to try something new for a sunday. We both felt the need to change the routine a little, experience something different, meet some new people. This was not done because the regular routine and old people arent enough. Truth is, I wish more people would step outside of the walls of their particular denomination or circles periodically and meet their neighbour down the street. In the New Testament, churches were divided mostly due to geography. Today, they are just divided. Take Tallahassee for example. There are 600+ churches in this town with a new one being planted every other day. I don't like the unwritten rule that we can't cross borders and see how our brothers and sisters in Christ are doing. I think I'm going to buck that system...Actually, I think I already am :)
It's amazing to me how experincing something new can greatly broaden your world view and give you fresh perspective, making you a better person. That's been my reality over the last few weeks and I love it. I love the feeling of revelation, growing, learning, changing. These things can't happen unless we're willing to take in all kinds of newness from day to day.
We're lucky to have a child that loves a good adventure so when we asked him if he wanted to go to a different church and meet new friends, he was all about it. When we arrived, they had a giant indoor play room so he was pretty much ready to sign the membership forms :) I was hoping he wouldn't break a commandment and start bowing in reverence towards the huge, red slide and luckily, he was able to focus on the bible lesson prior to playtime.
We enjoyed the service. The music was well balanced, well done and the people were friendly but not overtly friendly. It was a larger church so it was easy to sneak in and sneak out unnoticed, which is a good thing when you're shy and visiting but a bad thing when you're wanting to be connected. There were many different types of people. Jay and I were very touched by a hearing impaired woman who passionately signed words of praise heavenward. There was another man who literally danced and danced and danced throughout the entire praise set. The joy was thick and the passion was undeniable.
When the message began, the young preacher looked intriguingly towards the crowd and said, "How do you judge the success of a church?"
It was in that moment that I was entranced and knew that I was suppose to be there on that Sunday...because I realized that this was the question I had unknowingly been asking myself. Not only about my own church but about myself as a member of it...as a member of my community...as a member of my family...as a member of Heaven's roster. What does success look like?
He spoke of the division that took place in the garden of Eden...how in a split second and a wrong choice, we forever severed the perfect unity that existed between us and God, us and each other and us and the earth. Tigers weren't trying to tear Adam apart, Eve didn't secretly wish he was more than what he was...they weren't self conscious about how they looked...they didn't even know what nudity was! They didn't fear God or even think to hide anything from Him. All was in unity. All was perfect. But even in perfection, there was an opportunity to fail and fail they did. Suddenly, they hid themselves and became aware of so many things that kept them (and us) from ever fully engaging with one another. God then told them that childbirth would be excruciating and planting, building and maintaining the earth was going to be hard and painful for them.
We've read the story a hundred times but this was the first time I ever became aware of the following: The very purpose for which we were created was not meant to be easy for us. For Adam and Eve (and us), this not only meant reproducing and working the land but it meant relationships as well.
We were created to be in relationship. Even God doesn't exist outside of it. We were created to grow together, learn from one another, bare each other's burdens and walk through life together. Even the introvert needs another. We weren't just meant to be in community with God but with His children as well. It is dawning on me that this, relationship, the very thing we were created for, is not meant to be easy for us. It's meant to hurt! It's meant to make you sweat! It's meant to bring about momentary suffering and seasons of dry ground before giving birth to greatness.
The speaker tied this to the church's success by explaining that unlike big business, a church cannot be judged as successful by it's membership base or the amount of tithes it brings in. It can only be judged as successful by the depth of it's community and the connectivity people have with one another and God...the unity that is worked towards...the connection that was effortless and natural in the Garden of Eden which is now difficult, tiring, frustrating but purposeful.
I think this Sunday we are going to attend the church I have been working at. It should be a completely different experience than any I've had thus far and I'm excited to be open and available for the revelations God will show me there.
So to any and all that are concerned with my 'church hopping' you needn't be. I am instead taking in all that is around me in an effort to grow, mature and connect with people of other denominations who love and serve the same God that I do. I highly recommend it. If anything, it will make you better for when you return home.

Kathy and the Anglicans

Sounds like a rock group.
I have really been enjoying my position at the Episcopal church. I keep brainstorming ways that I can stay on while not having to put a new born in childcare. After all, with the cost of new born care in Tallahassee, I'd probably spend more on that then my paycheck would allow.
I've worked for churches in the past...as a paid employee and as an equally hard working volunteer...and it's been interesting to see first hand the workings of a completely different congregation and pastoral group.
The Rev. I work for reminds me a lot of my Father. He is deep but tells very dry jokes. He's tall and thin with a pleasant demeanor. He is painfully moral...example, he was stopped speeding the other day and not only openly confessed to speeding but immediately thanked the police officer, telling him that was just what he needed because his speed has been creeping up everyday. The cop obviously let him go with a warning...after all, who says that?!
He has a deep concern for people and puts relationship above anything else on his calendar. I know this because it's my job to keep his calendar. He takes every new-comer to lunch and lays aside the business/politics of the church if it means coming to the aid of an individual. Even though there are over 1200 consistent attending members, he makes himself available for them. It's personal.
The congregants are incredibly dedicated. They are high society, upper class, lawyers, doctors and politicians and they are widows, homeless men and children...all volunteer to serve food, work with the children, drive the elderly, fold bulletins, etc. They work as though their working for the Lord and they are not only thanked but respected by the ones who depend on them. They serve and are inspired to serve by the building up they receive from their leadership. They are also givers. In light of the devastation in Haiti, they have united and collected incredible amounts of money to benefit those struggling there. They tithe and support the workings of their church. It's a beautiful mutualistic relationship.
It's been humbling for me to see. In staff meeting on Tuesday I commended them on their structure, their volunteerism and the way they treat their congregants. I told them I was blessed by their heart for God. They may praise with the organ and wear collars instead of jeans but I am recognizing that there is a place for that. It isn't for nothing.
In more modern churches, it's easy to look at the traditional church as though it is outdated and out of touch with the living God...it's easy to say they are just going through the motions...it's easy to mistake their quiet reverence for a lack of passion or realness. Needless to say, this has been an eye opening experience for me. A wrap on the knuckles for times when I assumed that if someone belong to this church or that church then they weren't a 'real' Christian. I'm loving what I am experiencing there and I am deeply moved by it. It isn't better or worse than any other denomination that puts the emphasis on loving God and one another, it's just one of them and it's nice to see. I'm being reminded to make 'the main thing the main thing'...that we can chose to be divided by our interpretation of scripture or united by our mutual love for God.
I'm really glad to be there during the week. I'm learning a lot. I'm growing.

Accountability

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:1-2

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24

"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

The bible calls us to keep each other accountable. If you don't call yourself a Christian, then I won't challenge you to act like one....but if you do, and if I do, then we are called by God to speak loving truth into each other's lives and if necessary, set each other straight according to His word. This is a delicate process and should be approached with right intent and sensitivity.
Had God not mentioned the importance of accountability in His word, I probably would think it was a BAD idea, based on past experience. It rarely goes well, despite every effort I take to sugar coat, compliment and affirm my love and concern for the individual. Here's what I've learned:

- Some people just get older. What do I mean by this? Maturity is not reflected by the number of years a person has been alive but instead by what they have learned and applied during their time here. I've seen women twice my age, bash their husbands or ex-husbands openly on their facebook statuses with no awareness of how silly it makes them look. I've heard middle-aged men at Jason's gym act like complete morons in the presence of college girls, trying to impress them with their 'maturity' while acting like children. If you attempt to speak intelligent words into an immature persons life, don't expect them to act maturely about it. You can expect all kinds of reactions, but don't expect a 'thank you'. They aren't mature enough to recognize what you're doing or what your intentions are.

- Hurt people, hurt people. I am ever-so-cautious of people with a victim mentality. People with a victim mentality have been hurt, probably severely, and they hang onto their right to be miserable with both hands tightly clenched. They use their pain as an excuse for...well...just about everything. Un-forgiveness has eaten away at the person they once were and they don't like themselves very much anymore. They say that they've seen and experienced too much to be any other way, unable to grasp the fact that happiness is a choice. They have all kinds of physical ailments that have manifested from their emotional turmoil and they've known misery for SO long that they are scared to death of what life would look like should they stop feeling sorry for themselves. They indirectly hurt others and feel entitled to do so because of their own problems. They have become the center of their own world. If you try to hold someone like this accountable and lovingly correct some alarming patterns in their life, they will fire back with all the reasons why it's ok for them to be that way. They will make you feel guilty for bringing it up and they will add you to their list of oppressors. They will say you are 'judging' them and make you out to be a terrible person. You will become the punching bag for their misery for the time being, but you'll quickly be replaced by the person that didn't say 'hi' to them at the grocery store or the girl who teased them in the 7th grade. They always have to be upset with someone and when you attempt to keep them accountable, that person will be 'you'. Again, don't expect a 'thank you'.

- Matthew 7:6, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Jesus said this about giving sound advice to people who won't hear it. It's hard to determine whether you should say something at all, and I think that's between you and God and the person, but Jesus (of course) was super awesome to highlight this point. You can exhaust and frustrate yourself trying to help someone but sometimes, like in the situations highlighted above, they aren't ready or receptive to hear it. It doesn't make what you're saying less right, it's just falling on deaf ears...that are attached to quick mouths...that will tear you to pieces if you're not careful.

- I won't be like that. I have learned that I want nothing more than to be open and receptive to advice and counsel that will help me to become a better person. I don't ever want to miss an opportunity to grow. I don't ever want to explode on someone who loved me enough to be honest with me. I want to recognize care when I see it. I know from experience that it's not easy to approach someone, when you're so imperfect yourself, and attempt to keep them accountable. If a person sees sin in my life and is brave enough to take me aside and say, "I love you but you need to hear somethings that may be difficult to hear," I want to be mature enough to say, "Thank you! You must really care about me." I want to fully examine my life to see if their advice applies. I want to humble myself and be willing to say, "you're right, can you help me get there?" or "I don't know if what you're saying really applies to me but thank you for loving me enough to say it."

Accountability is a tough but necessary equation in Christian community. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I don't envy you :) It's one of those prime examples where doing the right thing can feel really, really wrong based on the reaction you receive but don't allow the reaction to define the action. If you see destructive sin in a friend's life and you approach them with love to correct them, you're doing exactly what God has called you to do. After that, the ball is in their court.

Amazing Grace

As one who's grown up in the church, I've heard this song a kazillion times. It enlists the emotions of many who have walked down troubled paths before receiving the forgiveness (from God and themselves) that lies in the arms of Jesus. I've always noticed that this song tends to speak mostly to the middle aged...I'm a people watcher, especially when leading worship (I know that's probably a bad habit) but I am so often blessed by the physical reactions, however subtle they may be, brought about by meaningfully singing God's praises.
In our church, there is a quiet, laid back man. I don't know him very well, but I know a little about his story. He has gone through some things, hurtful things, and has made some rough choices in his lifetime. I know that his memory holds images and events that he isn't proud of. He's one of those people that I believe I wouldn't recognize without Christ in his life. From what I've heard, he's a very different man now, and he, himself probably doesn't even understand the ways of the man he once was. Whenever we sing songs about deliverance and forgiveness and grace and love, I look at him. He's so quiet and shy, but through the darkened room I always know his hands will be raised heavenward.
I remember being a part of a bible study/cell group in which I mentioned that I've never really been tempted by a lot of physical sins. I didn't say this to exclaim my purity and perfection but I was quite embarrassed by the reaction I received from some individuals.
"Even Jesus was tempted, Kathy," one man said to me, indicating that I was pompous enough to think myself holier and stronger than Christ Himself. That, of course, was not what I was saying.
In Western Christianity, we have taken certain 'sins' and blown them out of the bible to be huge, shameful and unforgivable. Drinking (even though the bible gives no indication that having an alcoholic beverage is a sin) is one of them. We keep people from becoming members of the church if they smoke but allow those who abuse their bodies with food to the point of being morbidly obese to become pastors. We shun the homosexual but thoroughly enjoy our favourite television programs that are comprised of story lines highlighting the fun and excitement of pre-marital sex. We turn up our nose at curse words but have no problem passing along the latest gossip. We are outraged by the woman who has a baby before she's married and can't for the life of us imagine standing before God and the public to baptize or dedicate such a creature, forgetting that the baby is innocent and deserves to be celebrated like any other.
Yes, we've taken the word 'sin' and defined it as something you can see. Then, based on that definition, we've ranked the sins from 'worst' to 'not-so-bad' with homosexuality at the top, followed by drinking and so on and so forth.
Well here's the thing: I'm not gay, I actually waited 'til I was married to...well...you know, I don't drink (simply because I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol) and because of that I've never been drunk. I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship outside of my marriage, I've never smoked, etc, etc, etc.
So in the Christian community, it appears as though I have all my stuff together! Yippee!
The only problem is, I know that this isn't true....
The truth is, sins cannot be ranked or determined by action or substance. Sometimes, sin can be defined by an inability to act. A moment when one choses to turn a blind eye to poverty and need. A moment where someone puts themselves and their concerns before their neighbour. I'll be completely honest: I struggle with a sinful attitude, especially lately. I struggle with selfishness and complacency and laziness when it comes to God and His word. I struggle with putting myself before others, with being very concerned with what is fair and right for me and my family. I struggle with spending so much time and energy fighting the wrong fight that I sometimes don't have the strength left at the end of the day to fight the good one. I struggle with unforgiveness and sometimes, when I feel taken advantage of or like life's just not fair, I struggle with loving people. Lacking love is the only time that God highlights one sin as being worse than all the others. So where does that leave me? I'll tell you where it's left me lately: Frustrated and imprisoned by guilt.
For years I've seen grace as God's ability to forgive and forget the physical sins of one's past, a past I don't have. I can't remember life before God. I can't remember when I 'turned to Jesus' after, 'my time in the world'. That isn't my testimony and to be honest, most of my life I didn't think I had a testimony. My childhood church always had 'Testimony Time' in which people would stand up and describe the radical transformation they experienced with Jesus. They told heart breaking stories of tragedy and loss, of deliverance from the strong hold of SIN and how now, it's all better and forgotten. When I worked with a drug/alcohol rehab center in Greenville, SC, almost every man would stand up on graduation day and say, "When I got here I was tore up from the floor up, but God has changed me!"
I believe in God's ability to change a person. I vaguely remember my father before Christ and he is a different man now. I don't know the person Jay describes that he was before he chose to walk this course with God. I have seen God deliver. I have seen miracles take place...but somewhere along the line I told myself that was for other people and when I screw up, I need to feel guilty about it and somehow make it up to Him.
Last week, I was driving to work and I was listening to one of my worship team CDs. Jerad makes us CDs sometimes when we're unable to meet for practice and Caden always asks to listen to, "Mama's church music" in the car. I was alone and heading into the office when a version of, 'Amazing Grace' came on. This particular version has the traditional versus but a more modern chorus that says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains. Unending Love, Amazing Grace."
I felt like I stopped grinding my teeth for the first time in weeks. I felt tension ease from my muscles and new air come into my lungs. I had forgotten (by the grace of God) to put on mascara that morning and it's a good thing because I started crying, flat out bawling, in my car on North Monroe street. It hit me: Grace is for me too!
God has seen my ugly attitude, my poor spirit, my lack of love, my selfishness, my impatience, my unkind words, the ugliness of my humanity birthed from my fatigue and the circumstances in my life that I don't enjoy. He has seen me at my worst when no one knows the extent of it and he offers me the same grace he offers others. I can be freed from the guilt of it all. I can change and not be held captive by regret. I can bring MY mess to Him and we can start dealing with it.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I guess that's why they call that kind of grace, Amazing.

Introspective

I am in a very introspective time in my life where I am evaluating and actively thinking about EVERYTHING. From relationships to organized religion...from motherhood to politics...I find myself breaking the cover off of everything I am and thought I knew and realizing there is much, much, much to learn.
I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks which is very odd for me. In fact, this is probably the first time I've missed two weeks of church in a row since 2004. I'm not distancing myself from God...quite the opposite...I just think I need to take a break from church for a while to find God.
Not that He isn't there, but my Sunday routine has left me empty and void of Him and I need to, well, shake things up a bit.
Over the past year, I have been wrestling daily with who God is. What's His personality? If you read two different parts of scripture you can see two very different sides of God. But who is He? Is He the one I think I have a relationship with or is He so much more than that...I believe He's both.
What I'm determining is that we (God and I) do have a relationship that is real and lasting and deep, that was routed early in my childhood and grown as I have....but that He is also so much more than I can possibly fathom or know, more than I've been taught and more than I've made him out to be...and that sometimes, if not most of the time, I can say nothing but, "All I know is that you love me." I think that's a healthy way to be. People who act as though they have God figured out, scare me. Particularly those who have made Him into a science...I'm learning to steer clear of that...
I'm learning a lot about other people right now as well. Some of what I'm learning has been very disappointing. I'm mourning relationships that I thought were deep and real, but aren't. I'm also realizing that there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I didn't realize cared. When Caden and I were sick last week, I was blown away by the relationships I have. I didn't hear from people I thought I would and I was bombarded with offers to help, love and concern from people I didn't know loved me as much as they do...people who were willing to come into my germ infested home and serve my family because they knew we have no family in town and could probably use the help. People offering to wash clothes, drop off groceries, make dinner...It was an eye opening experience. Thank you to those of you who surprised me in a good way. You blessed my heart. These past few months I have learned that there are few, maybe a handful, maybe even just two or three people outside of your blood relatives that will remain your life long friends. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn...seeing the evidence of this can leave one feeling used and embarrassed...but recognizing that I have a few of those friendships that will outlast the test of time, makes me feel very, very blessed indeed. I wish we were all able to be in one place. Someday I suppose...
I'm also trying to make sense of my life, geographically. This is something Jay and I have been trying to figure out for a long time. In other words, Why are we here? Why Florida? Why Tallahassee? Most days I can't answer that question...We've been here for 4 years now. Wow. I feel the winds of change sweeping in...when? Who knows...
I'm also taking any second that I have alone to feel Preston moving in my belly. If all goes as planned, this will more than likely be my last pregnancy :) and I want to enjoy it...I feel like it is flying by though. With Caden, I knew exactly what point I was at along the gestational journey. This time, I have no clue! Someone asked me the other day how many months I am and I couldn't answer them. "Um, er...Well, I'm due in April!"
Being pregnant while having another child to focus on is completely different than being pregnant for the first time. When/If it is ever quiet, I try to sit alone and focus on me and Preston. I'm so excited to meet him.
I'm also trying not to live for the future but these days I can't help it. I am so excited for it. I'm excited for the coming months, to get the nursery ready, to welcome Preston to our family, to see Caden love on him, to be able to breathe in and enjoy my family the way it is meant to be. Caden is so excited to be a big brother. I'm overwhelmingly proud of him.
I am excited for my mom and sister to come visit me...two relationships I miss tremendously every single day. I am excited for life to be what it's suppose to be because I can't help but feel it's not there yet, although I'm trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy those moments when all is right with the world.
I don't know if any of this make sense but I guess it's not suppose to. If my thoughts are all over the place, it makes sense for my writings to follow suit.
Til next time...

Perspective

Caden and I have been very sick this week with a nasty stomach bug. Caden came down with it Friday night and I started with it on Monday afternoon. After much rest and lots of fluids, we are finally on the mend. He's 100% back to his old self again and I'm slowly but surely getting my strength back. Jay has been amazing through everything, putting us first and ensuring that we had everything we needed. I'm a blessed woman.
I've pretty much been in bed since Monday and had heard very little about the devastation in Haiti until today. After reading many articles and seeing the heart wrenching photos, I am burdened for them and ashamed for everything I've ever complained about. It is moments in history such as these that remind all of us how lucky we are.
I've often complained about the American Health care system because I have had the privilege of witnessing a stronger and more accessible one...and although I believe this is still an issue in and of itself, I look back over my week and shutter in complete humility and thankfulness for where I find myself. This is not a post about the health care bill, so if commenting please refrain from going there. This is a post about gaining perspective and acting on it.
When my son became dehydrated, we took him to a clean emergency room where he was given a sterilized IV and even a sticker to make his procedure more tolerable. When I was worried about my unborn child in the midst of this stomach virus, I was able to call a nurse and receive a prescription to help me rest better and recover faster. I have been able to lie in my comfortable bed, in my well insulated room with a bottle of gatorade and a cell phone by my side should I need to call someone for help. We have been able to wash our soiled clothes in steaming hot water in a washing machine, right inside of our apartment. We have had access to clean water. We not only have what we need but comforts that we want. I could go on and on but you get the picture...
We are blessed. We are blessed beyond measure...and I for one need to publicly declare how sorry I am for the things I've made important...the things I consider burdens that are simply hiccups in the road of life.
I have been trying to imagine feeling as sick as I have felt this week while living amongst the devastation in Haiti. Imagine being pregnant in that environment? Imagine being an asthmatic? Imagine having something as simple as an infected wisdom tooth or as devastating as cancer?
One of the photos I witnessed was of an elderly woman who has a serious head wound. She was lying in the dirt in a make shift clinic where panicked and outnumbered medical personnel were trying desperately to get from one victim to another. I could be one of them tonight. You could be one of them tonight.
Aside from being ill, imagine losing everyone you loved in a split second...waking up to a confusing and terrifying earth quake...watching the walls collapse and crush your spouse, your children, your family, your neighbours...Hell is not just some distant place with a Lake of Fire...it's right here and now...and this is one of those moments where God has called us to live out His will 'on earth as it is in Heaven.' We can bring Heaven to earth by responding to our brothers and sisters in Haiti, right now.
So in the midst of whatever it is you are facing, remember those people and what they are going through...and find a way to help.
You can donate by using you cell phone. Just text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross's Haiti Relief effort.
You can also donate $10 to The Salvation Army in the same manner by texting "HAITI" to 52000.
If you don't have text messaging, would like to give more than $10 or just prefer to donate online, click here Or here
By all means, pray...nothing is more powerful than that...but also act.

Doing Church With Excellence

I have heard many Christian leaders say that, "church should be done with excellence." As far as the biblical definition of the church (our mission and our relationships) goes, I agree 100%. God's word gives us a guideline on how to conduct ourselves, what we are to do and how we are suppose to treat one another. It is a definable type of excellence. As far as the modern day, programmed, 'meets-on-Sunday-morning' church structure goes, this statement becomes vague and far less specific. After all, what it excellence to one may be chaos, confusion or yawn inducing to another. This is where denomination comes into play. Why some of us go 'here' while other's go 'there'...why what works for one, doesn't for someone else.

I have the opportunity right now to be a part of two very different church structures. I am working for an Episcopal (Anglican) church while attending a Church or God (Pentecostal). Their bible is the same...their definitions of executing 'church with excellence' are very, very different.

The Episcopalian church has an extensive history, hundreds upon hundreds of years of tradition infused into every service and it's complicated...well...complicated to someone who is outside looking in. The thing that strikes me most about it, is that I have been a Christian my entire life, raised on biblical principle, fed scripture from an early age, and I am in need of a serious Episcopalian education in order to understand the basics of their Sunday morning meeting. The RITE I and RITE II readings, the 'Book of Prayer', the hierarchy of leadership, the protocol for weddings, baptisms, funerals, etc. All is very intricate and very detailed and very....man-made. I came home after my first few days of work and confessed to Jay that I needed to be very aware of how I treat my position because things that seem needless and petty and over-complicated to me are dearly loved and important to the people I am working with and for.
On the other side of things, I greatly respect and have learned a lot from the reverence I see in this working environment. The Reverend has a vesting room where he prepares himself in beautifully decorated robes prior to service. There is a little, old man who comes in daily and shines the silver cups used during communion. The way leadership treats the parish and the volunteers is so deeply encouraging, it's no wonder why families stay in the congregation for generations. The church is STUNNING and I mean breath-taking. Carvings and details as far as the eye can see...a temple built unto the Lord. Whoever worked tirelessly to create that place, did so out of a heart of service and reverence to the High God and you can sense that when you're in there. It's absolutely beautiful...like a physical house worthy of God's name. I just want to sit in there for hours...In the midst of beauty, reverence and attention to detail lies a lot of other stuff that isn't anywhere in scripture but is held in high regard by the people just the same. Is this church being done with excellence? They believe so...

The church I attend on Sunday's is a different matter. It's technology driven, 2010, aimed at meeting people where they are and giving them tools with which to live their lives. The messages are raw, emotional and applicable to real people. You can hear a message at genesis and leave different than when you came in with practical information about how to live your life. This, as well as the children's ministry, are my favourite things about gc.tv. In an effort to be cutting edge, it has taken on the physical appearance of a theatre. The windows are boarded up and painted over, there is an intelligent lighting system, smoke machines, loud music, triple projection screens and speakers delivering cutting edge audio and video. The bulletins have flashy pictures and the service is planned in 5-10 minute increments as to not go over time, since there are two services back to back. People wear headset microphones, similar to a television production, to communicate about lights and sound and distractions. It's really dark and loud in there, so sometimes it's hard to see and meet new people but anyone could feel right at home there...whether you've been a Christian your entire life or are coming to see what it's all about for the first time, you'll understand what's being said and sung. Instead of being focused on where they've come from, they are very focused on the now and where they are going. They have their own structure for weddings and baby dedications, baptisms and so on...Periodically the stress of the operation (electrical outages, video malfunctions, projector issues) become the center of the Sunday morning experience for those of us who are involved with the show and that's always unfortunate, but for the most part I think we try to do the best with what we have. Is our church done with excellence? I think that's the goal...

Since excellence is so relative to the person, I thought I would end this by sharing my most excellent church memory:

I've been attending genesischurch.tv for about 4 years now. For 2 of those years, we were a mobile church that met in a local high school auditorium. This required extensive set up and tear down of equipment and often, things didn't go as planned. On this particular Sunday, we had the stage wired and ready to go, the lighting system was in full force, the curtains were drawn to completely darken the room and we were about 20 minutes from starting the service. Then it happened. The power went out. Everyone went into freak out mode. What do we do? People will be here any minute, they are already showing up! The order of service began to crumble before our very eyes. It was too late to cancel so we improvised.

We opened the shutters and allowed the natural light from God to fill the room. We could see each other's faces in the daylight. It was surreal. I was so use to squinting to see my church family in a smoke-filled, dark room and it was as though I was seeing them all for the first time. Then, we closed the stage curtains. The intricate set up we had spent hours constructing that morning was now hidden behind two, giant, red curtain panels. The band went from being 8 people to two people, and they took to the stage with nothing but acoustic guitars and their natural voices. When everyone gathered, we were told to move as close to the front of the auditorium as possible so that we could hear what was going on and all be together....and with the sun filtering in through the bright, open windows, we sang together...we could hear each other's voices...we could see each other's faces...it was unscripted and unrehearsed. It was real life and real church. After a few songs, the pastor got up and spoke to us briefly about God's greatness. No one was able to play on their iphones or pass notes because we were all gathered so closely together, our eyes and hearts fixed on one thing and one thing only. God's word.

In the 4 years that I've attended this church and the 22 years I've attended others, this is the one moment that sticks out to me as a memorable, powerful, meaningful Sunday morning church moment. It was lovely. It was excellent.

BUSY

Life is very busy these days. I've taken on a part-time job as the administrative assistant at a local episcopal church. It's been interesting to learn the ins and outs of the Anglican parish. There's a lot of verbiage, hierarchy and rituals involved...not to mention an extensive church history and liturgical calendar. The church building I work in is about 250 years old. The architecture is stunning. It's like a scene from a horror movie. Beautiful by day, terrifying by night. There is a life size carving of Jesus on the cross hanging in the chapel. It's seriously a 6 ft man, painted to resemble a real person. I think I may have let out a little squeal when I first saw it. It took me by surprise.
The work is busy which is good because it makes the day go by quickly...almost too quickly. I took over from a woman who was doing the job in 40 hours a week so now I'm trying to complete that same work load in half the time. It's challenging. I am suppose to work from 9-1 but everyday this week has started early in an effort to get things done and today I didn't get to leave until 4:30. Thankfully, the church has a full service cafe so I was able to grab some lunch.
Between the 25+ hours at the church, the 8+ hours a week I spend working at the restaurant and the 8 hours a week I spend volunteering at genesis between Sundays and Thursday night worship team practice, not to mention the laundry, dishes and other household garbage, it's been ridiculously hard to maintain the energy needed for my most important job: Wife and mom.
I don't believe that a woman (or man) can 'do it all'. You either do one thing at the expense of the other or vice versa. Thankfully, this job is temporary and I think financially it is very much a gift from God. It's a temporary position and they are wanting to hire someone full time on March 1. I declined the offer to stay on because I have no intention of putting a new born in daycare 30 seconds after he's born and I really want the month of March to focus on my pregnancy and my time with Caden and Jay. So in the midst of the craziness, the timing is perfect and the pay is good. I'm going to take a break from the piano bar after Valentines Day because 4 hours on a piano stool + a pregnant stomach = a very sore back. Plus, I feel like I never see my husband anymore and that's lame. Without him, I'm not me...at least I'm not the best me I can be. He works til 8 everyday of the week except for Friday...and on Friday he gets home at 5:30 and I kiss him goodbye at 6 to head into Georgio's. Ships passing in the night. Thankfully, we have Sunday evenings together and it's my favourite night of the week.
Caden hasn't adjusted great to me not being around in the mornings but he is fortunate to be able to stay home with Daddy til about 10-11 and then go into the childcare room at the gym 'til I pick him up. Ms. Autumn has been a godsend, staying with him a little longer when traffic is heavy and this afternoon she made herself available to watch him all afternoon. She's one of those people that gives you faith in the goodness of humanity :)
So, if I'm not posting with regularity it's because I'm trying to catch up on something else but I'll try and write whenever I can. It keeps me relatively sane after all, and my sanity is not something I can afford to lose right now. Much too busy :)

Happy New Decade!

It's 2010! Crazy. I remember ringing in the New Millennium like it was yesterday. Insane that it was 10 years ago and I was 16. If someone would have told me 10 years ago that in 2010 I'd be married for almost 7 years, living in America with a 4 year old and baby on the way, I would have been terrified!!!! It's good that we don't hold our future in our own hands. I wonder what 'terrifying' yet amazing things lie ahead for this coming decade?
I guess I'll just have to hang on and enjoy the ride :)
I suppose it isn't good to think in terms of decades. We are, after all suppose to take it one day at a time...but I'll go ahead and do my annual ritual of resolution making followed by my annual resolution breaking :) Just kidding.

Last years resolutions were as follows:

- Loose weight, get fit
- Read more, particularly the bible
- Be a better wife, mother, friend and all around person
- Write, finish and actively submit a book for publishing
- Spend more time in prayer


Well, I'm happy to say that I successfully completed a lot of the things on this list! I reached a weight loss goal I've been aiming for my entire adult life...then I got pregnant and it all went out the window, but that's besides the point :)
22 days after I wrote my resolutions, I was offered a book contract and worked on it from January-September of last year. The tentative date for it's release is April, 2010. Insane. God is good.
I read a lot more than I did last year...but I definitely need to crack the holy scriptures more. I started a year long bible reading regimen last year that lasted about 2 weeks. I've read it throughout the year but not with the structure or consistency that I intended to on January 1, 2009. I'm going to start it again this year and see how far I get. It's very hard to be consistent in this area, at least for me. But it's a goal worth repeating.
Prayer has been a roller coaster this year because I believe 2009 is the year that God began to reveal Himself to me in a different way...a way I've never considered...in a light I've never seen Him. Sometimes this made prayer extremely difficult because I wondered if I even knew Him at all. Other times, I had never felt more connected.
I can't really determine whether I was a better wife, mother and friend...I guess you'll have to ask Jay, Caden and yourselves that question :) but I tried.

So this year I have the following resolutions (not in the order of importance):

- I will have a baby (I guess that's inevitable at this point :)
- As soon as I'm dr. approved, I will get back into shape. I have more specific numbers with regards to poundage but they don't have to be posted on the internet :)
- I will market my first book and make it as successful as possible.
- I will chose to see people as God sees them regardless of whether I enjoy them or not.
- I will read my bible more (like I said, this will be a recurring goal throughout my life so I apologize for the monotony)
- I will love, respect and serve my family with a joyful heart and whatever we endure, we'll grow closer through it.

A lot of people give resolutions a bad rap, but I'm a fan of them. They are goals, aspirations, structured plans for a positive and successful future. Whether you are discouraged by how many you've broken or stumped as to what to promise yourself, I encouraged you to sit down, make a plan and try again. You only live once and the new year reminds us how quickly time flies.

Happy New Year, everyone!