Sounds like a rock group.
I have really been enjoying my position at the Episcopal church. I keep brainstorming ways that I can stay on while not having to put a new born in childcare. After all, with the cost of new born care in Tallahassee, I'd probably spend more on that then my paycheck would allow.
I've worked for churches in the past...as a paid employee and as an equally hard working volunteer...and it's been interesting to see first hand the workings of a completely different congregation and pastoral group.
The Rev. I work for reminds me a lot of my Father. He is deep but tells very dry jokes. He's tall and thin with a pleasant demeanor. He is painfully moral...example, he was stopped speeding the other day and not only openly confessed to speeding but immediately thanked the police officer, telling him that was just what he needed because his speed has been creeping up everyday. The cop obviously let him go with a warning...after all, who says that?!
He has a deep concern for people and puts relationship above anything else on his calendar. I know this because it's my job to keep his calendar. He takes every new-comer to lunch and lays aside the business/politics of the church if it means coming to the aid of an individual. Even though there are over 1200 consistent attending members, he makes himself available for them. It's personal.
The congregants are incredibly dedicated. They are high society, upper class, lawyers, doctors and politicians and they are widows, homeless men and children...all volunteer to serve food, work with the children, drive the elderly, fold bulletins, etc. They work as though their working for the Lord and they are not only thanked but respected by the ones who depend on them. They serve and are inspired to serve by the building up they receive from their leadership. They are also givers. In light of the devastation in Haiti, they have united and collected incredible amounts of money to benefit those struggling there. They tithe and support the workings of their church. It's a beautiful mutualistic relationship.
It's been humbling for me to see. In staff meeting on Tuesday I commended them on their structure, their volunteerism and the way they treat their congregants. I told them I was blessed by their heart for God. They may praise with the organ and wear collars instead of jeans but I am recognizing that there is a place for that. It isn't for nothing.
In more modern churches, it's easy to look at the traditional church as though it is outdated and out of touch with the living God...it's easy to say they are just going through the motions...it's easy to mistake their quiet reverence for a lack of passion or realness. Needless to say, this has been an eye opening experience for me. A wrap on the knuckles for times when I assumed that if someone belong to this church or that church then they weren't a 'real' Christian. I'm loving what I am experiencing there and I am deeply moved by it. It isn't better or worse than any other denomination that puts the emphasis on loving God and one another, it's just one of them and it's nice to see. I'm being reminded to make 'the main thing the main thing'...that we can chose to be divided by our interpretation of scripture or united by our mutual love for God.
I'm really glad to be there during the week. I'm learning a lot. I'm growing.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Accountability
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:1-2
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24
"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13
"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17
The bible calls us to keep each other accountable. If you don't call yourself a Christian, then I won't challenge you to act like one....but if you do, and if I do, then we are called by God to speak loving truth into each other's lives and if necessary, set each other straight according to His word. This is a delicate process and should be approached with right intent and sensitivity.
Had God not mentioned the importance of accountability in His word, I probably would think it was a BAD idea, based on past experience. It rarely goes well, despite every effort I take to sugar coat, compliment and affirm my love and concern for the individual. Here's what I've learned:
- Some people just get older. What do I mean by this? Maturity is not reflected by the number of years a person has been alive but instead by what they have learned and applied during their time here. I've seen women twice my age, bash their husbands or ex-husbands openly on their facebook statuses with no awareness of how silly it makes them look. I've heard middle-aged men at Jason's gym act like complete morons in the presence of college girls, trying to impress them with their 'maturity' while acting like children. If you attempt to speak intelligent words into an immature persons life, don't expect them to act maturely about it. You can expect all kinds of reactions, but don't expect a 'thank you'. They aren't mature enough to recognize what you're doing or what your intentions are.
- Hurt people, hurt people. I am ever-so-cautious of people with a victim mentality. People with a victim mentality have been hurt, probably severely, and they hang onto their right to be miserable with both hands tightly clenched. They use their pain as an excuse for...well...just about everything. Un-forgiveness has eaten away at the person they once were and they don't like themselves very much anymore. They say that they've seen and experienced too much to be any other way, unable to grasp the fact that happiness is a choice. They have all kinds of physical ailments that have manifested from their emotional turmoil and they've known misery for SO long that they are scared to death of what life would look like should they stop feeling sorry for themselves. They indirectly hurt others and feel entitled to do so because of their own problems. They have become the center of their own world. If you try to hold someone like this accountable and lovingly correct some alarming patterns in their life, they will fire back with all the reasons why it's ok for them to be that way. They will make you feel guilty for bringing it up and they will add you to their list of oppressors. They will say you are 'judging' them and make you out to be a terrible person. You will become the punching bag for their misery for the time being, but you'll quickly be replaced by the person that didn't say 'hi' to them at the grocery store or the girl who teased them in the 7th grade. They always have to be upset with someone and when you attempt to keep them accountable, that person will be 'you'. Again, don't expect a 'thank you'.
- Matthew 7:6, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Jesus said this about giving sound advice to people who won't hear it. It's hard to determine whether you should say something at all, and I think that's between you and God and the person, but Jesus (of course) was super awesome to highlight this point. You can exhaust and frustrate yourself trying to help someone but sometimes, like in the situations highlighted above, they aren't ready or receptive to hear it. It doesn't make what you're saying less right, it's just falling on deaf ears...that are attached to quick mouths...that will tear you to pieces if you're not careful.
- I won't be like that. I have learned that I want nothing more than to be open and receptive to advice and counsel that will help me to become a better person. I don't ever want to miss an opportunity to grow. I don't ever want to explode on someone who loved me enough to be honest with me. I want to recognize care when I see it. I know from experience that it's not easy to approach someone, when you're so imperfect yourself, and attempt to keep them accountable. If a person sees sin in my life and is brave enough to take me aside and say, "I love you but you need to hear somethings that may be difficult to hear," I want to be mature enough to say, "Thank you! You must really care about me." I want to fully examine my life to see if their advice applies. I want to humble myself and be willing to say, "you're right, can you help me get there?" or "I don't know if what you're saying really applies to me but thank you for loving me enough to say it."
Accountability is a tough but necessary equation in Christian community. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I don't envy you :) It's one of those prime examples where doing the right thing can feel really, really wrong based on the reaction you receive but don't allow the reaction to define the action. If you see destructive sin in a friend's life and you approach them with love to correct them, you're doing exactly what God has called you to do. After that, the ball is in their court.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24
"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13
"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17
The bible calls us to keep each other accountable. If you don't call yourself a Christian, then I won't challenge you to act like one....but if you do, and if I do, then we are called by God to speak loving truth into each other's lives and if necessary, set each other straight according to His word. This is a delicate process and should be approached with right intent and sensitivity.
Had God not mentioned the importance of accountability in His word, I probably would think it was a BAD idea, based on past experience. It rarely goes well, despite every effort I take to sugar coat, compliment and affirm my love and concern for the individual. Here's what I've learned:
- Some people just get older. What do I mean by this? Maturity is not reflected by the number of years a person has been alive but instead by what they have learned and applied during their time here. I've seen women twice my age, bash their husbands or ex-husbands openly on their facebook statuses with no awareness of how silly it makes them look. I've heard middle-aged men at Jason's gym act like complete morons in the presence of college girls, trying to impress them with their 'maturity' while acting like children. If you attempt to speak intelligent words into an immature persons life, don't expect them to act maturely about it. You can expect all kinds of reactions, but don't expect a 'thank you'. They aren't mature enough to recognize what you're doing or what your intentions are.
- Hurt people, hurt people. I am ever-so-cautious of people with a victim mentality. People with a victim mentality have been hurt, probably severely, and they hang onto their right to be miserable with both hands tightly clenched. They use their pain as an excuse for...well...just about everything. Un-forgiveness has eaten away at the person they once were and they don't like themselves very much anymore. They say that they've seen and experienced too much to be any other way, unable to grasp the fact that happiness is a choice. They have all kinds of physical ailments that have manifested from their emotional turmoil and they've known misery for SO long that they are scared to death of what life would look like should they stop feeling sorry for themselves. They indirectly hurt others and feel entitled to do so because of their own problems. They have become the center of their own world. If you try to hold someone like this accountable and lovingly correct some alarming patterns in their life, they will fire back with all the reasons why it's ok for them to be that way. They will make you feel guilty for bringing it up and they will add you to their list of oppressors. They will say you are 'judging' them and make you out to be a terrible person. You will become the punching bag for their misery for the time being, but you'll quickly be replaced by the person that didn't say 'hi' to them at the grocery store or the girl who teased them in the 7th grade. They always have to be upset with someone and when you attempt to keep them accountable, that person will be 'you'. Again, don't expect a 'thank you'.
- Matthew 7:6, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Jesus said this about giving sound advice to people who won't hear it. It's hard to determine whether you should say something at all, and I think that's between you and God and the person, but Jesus (of course) was super awesome to highlight this point. You can exhaust and frustrate yourself trying to help someone but sometimes, like in the situations highlighted above, they aren't ready or receptive to hear it. It doesn't make what you're saying less right, it's just falling on deaf ears...that are attached to quick mouths...that will tear you to pieces if you're not careful.
- I won't be like that. I have learned that I want nothing more than to be open and receptive to advice and counsel that will help me to become a better person. I don't ever want to miss an opportunity to grow. I don't ever want to explode on someone who loved me enough to be honest with me. I want to recognize care when I see it. I know from experience that it's not easy to approach someone, when you're so imperfect yourself, and attempt to keep them accountable. If a person sees sin in my life and is brave enough to take me aside and say, "I love you but you need to hear somethings that may be difficult to hear," I want to be mature enough to say, "Thank you! You must really care about me." I want to fully examine my life to see if their advice applies. I want to humble myself and be willing to say, "you're right, can you help me get there?" or "I don't know if what you're saying really applies to me but thank you for loving me enough to say it."
Accountability is a tough but necessary equation in Christian community. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I don't envy you :) It's one of those prime examples where doing the right thing can feel really, really wrong based on the reaction you receive but don't allow the reaction to define the action. If you see destructive sin in a friend's life and you approach them with love to correct them, you're doing exactly what God has called you to do. After that, the ball is in their court.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Amazing Grace
As one who's grown up in the church, I've heard this song a kazillion times. It enlists the emotions of many who have walked down troubled paths before receiving the forgiveness (from God and themselves) that lies in the arms of Jesus. I've always noticed that this song tends to speak mostly to the middle aged...I'm a people watcher, especially when leading worship (I know that's probably a bad habit) but I am so often blessed by the physical reactions, however subtle they may be, brought about by meaningfully singing God's praises.
In our church, there is a quiet, laid back man. I don't know him very well, but I know a little about his story. He has gone through some things, hurtful things, and has made some rough choices in his lifetime. I know that his memory holds images and events that he isn't proud of. He's one of those people that I believe I wouldn't recognize without Christ in his life. From what I've heard, he's a very different man now, and he, himself probably doesn't even understand the ways of the man he once was. Whenever we sing songs about deliverance and forgiveness and grace and love, I look at him. He's so quiet and shy, but through the darkened room I always know his hands will be raised heavenward.
I remember being a part of a bible study/cell group in which I mentioned that I've never really been tempted by a lot of physical sins. I didn't say this to exclaim my purity and perfection but I was quite embarrassed by the reaction I received from some individuals.
"Even Jesus was tempted, Kathy," one man said to me, indicating that I was pompous enough to think myself holier and stronger than Christ Himself. That, of course, was not what I was saying.
In Western Christianity, we have taken certain 'sins' and blown them out of the bible to be huge, shameful and unforgivable. Drinking (even though the bible gives no indication that having an alcoholic beverage is a sin) is one of them. We keep people from becoming members of the church if they smoke but allow those who abuse their bodies with food to the point of being morbidly obese to become pastors. We shun the homosexual but thoroughly enjoy our favourite television programs that are comprised of story lines highlighting the fun and excitement of pre-marital sex. We turn up our nose at curse words but have no problem passing along the latest gossip. We are outraged by the woman who has a baby before she's married and can't for the life of us imagine standing before God and the public to baptize or dedicate such a creature, forgetting that the baby is innocent and deserves to be celebrated like any other.
Yes, we've taken the word 'sin' and defined it as something you can see. Then, based on that definition, we've ranked the sins from 'worst' to 'not-so-bad' with homosexuality at the top, followed by drinking and so on and so forth.
Well here's the thing: I'm not gay, I actually waited 'til I was married to...well...you know, I don't drink (simply because I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol) and because of that I've never been drunk. I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship outside of my marriage, I've never smoked, etc, etc, etc.
So in the Christian community, it appears as though I have all my stuff together! Yippee!
The only problem is, I know that this isn't true....
The truth is, sins cannot be ranked or determined by action or substance. Sometimes, sin can be defined by an inability to act. A moment when one choses to turn a blind eye to poverty and need. A moment where someone puts themselves and their concerns before their neighbour. I'll be completely honest: I struggle with a sinful attitude, especially lately. I struggle with selfishness and complacency and laziness when it comes to God and His word. I struggle with putting myself before others, with being very concerned with what is fair and right for me and my family. I struggle with spending so much time and energy fighting the wrong fight that I sometimes don't have the strength left at the end of the day to fight the good one. I struggle with unforgiveness and sometimes, when I feel taken advantage of or like life's just not fair, I struggle with loving people. Lacking love is the only time that God highlights one sin as being worse than all the others. So where does that leave me? I'll tell you where it's left me lately: Frustrated and imprisoned by guilt.
For years I've seen grace as God's ability to forgive and forget the physical sins of one's past, a past I don't have. I can't remember life before God. I can't remember when I 'turned to Jesus' after, 'my time in the world'. That isn't my testimony and to be honest, most of my life I didn't think I had a testimony. My childhood church always had 'Testimony Time' in which people would stand up and describe the radical transformation they experienced with Jesus. They told heart breaking stories of tragedy and loss, of deliverance from the strong hold of SIN and how now, it's all better and forgotten. When I worked with a drug/alcohol rehab center in Greenville, SC, almost every man would stand up on graduation day and say, "When I got here I was tore up from the floor up, but God has changed me!"
I believe in God's ability to change a person. I vaguely remember my father before Christ and he is a different man now. I don't know the person Jay describes that he was before he chose to walk this course with God. I have seen God deliver. I have seen miracles take place...but somewhere along the line I told myself that was for other people and when I screw up, I need to feel guilty about it and somehow make it up to Him.
Last week, I was driving to work and I was listening to one of my worship team CDs. Jerad makes us CDs sometimes when we're unable to meet for practice and Caden always asks to listen to, "Mama's church music" in the car. I was alone and heading into the office when a version of, 'Amazing Grace' came on. This particular version has the traditional versus but a more modern chorus that says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains. Unending Love, Amazing Grace."
I felt like I stopped grinding my teeth for the first time in weeks. I felt tension ease from my muscles and new air come into my lungs. I had forgotten (by the grace of God) to put on mascara that morning and it's a good thing because I started crying, flat out bawling, in my car on North Monroe street. It hit me: Grace is for me too!
God has seen my ugly attitude, my poor spirit, my lack of love, my selfishness, my impatience, my unkind words, the ugliness of my humanity birthed from my fatigue and the circumstances in my life that I don't enjoy. He has seen me at my worst when no one knows the extent of it and he offers me the same grace he offers others. I can be freed from the guilt of it all. I can change and not be held captive by regret. I can bring MY mess to Him and we can start dealing with it.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I guess that's why they call that kind of grace, Amazing.
In our church, there is a quiet, laid back man. I don't know him very well, but I know a little about his story. He has gone through some things, hurtful things, and has made some rough choices in his lifetime. I know that his memory holds images and events that he isn't proud of. He's one of those people that I believe I wouldn't recognize without Christ in his life. From what I've heard, he's a very different man now, and he, himself probably doesn't even understand the ways of the man he once was. Whenever we sing songs about deliverance and forgiveness and grace and love, I look at him. He's so quiet and shy, but through the darkened room I always know his hands will be raised heavenward.
I remember being a part of a bible study/cell group in which I mentioned that I've never really been tempted by a lot of physical sins. I didn't say this to exclaim my purity and perfection but I was quite embarrassed by the reaction I received from some individuals.
"Even Jesus was tempted, Kathy," one man said to me, indicating that I was pompous enough to think myself holier and stronger than Christ Himself. That, of course, was not what I was saying.
In Western Christianity, we have taken certain 'sins' and blown them out of the bible to be huge, shameful and unforgivable. Drinking (even though the bible gives no indication that having an alcoholic beverage is a sin) is one of them. We keep people from becoming members of the church if they smoke but allow those who abuse their bodies with food to the point of being morbidly obese to become pastors. We shun the homosexual but thoroughly enjoy our favourite television programs that are comprised of story lines highlighting the fun and excitement of pre-marital sex. We turn up our nose at curse words but have no problem passing along the latest gossip. We are outraged by the woman who has a baby before she's married and can't for the life of us imagine standing before God and the public to baptize or dedicate such a creature, forgetting that the baby is innocent and deserves to be celebrated like any other.
Yes, we've taken the word 'sin' and defined it as something you can see. Then, based on that definition, we've ranked the sins from 'worst' to 'not-so-bad' with homosexuality at the top, followed by drinking and so on and so forth.
Well here's the thing: I'm not gay, I actually waited 'til I was married to...well...you know, I don't drink (simply because I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol) and because of that I've never been drunk. I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship outside of my marriage, I've never smoked, etc, etc, etc.
So in the Christian community, it appears as though I have all my stuff together! Yippee!
The only problem is, I know that this isn't true....
The truth is, sins cannot be ranked or determined by action or substance. Sometimes, sin can be defined by an inability to act. A moment when one choses to turn a blind eye to poverty and need. A moment where someone puts themselves and their concerns before their neighbour. I'll be completely honest: I struggle with a sinful attitude, especially lately. I struggle with selfishness and complacency and laziness when it comes to God and His word. I struggle with putting myself before others, with being very concerned with what is fair and right for me and my family. I struggle with spending so much time and energy fighting the wrong fight that I sometimes don't have the strength left at the end of the day to fight the good one. I struggle with unforgiveness and sometimes, when I feel taken advantage of or like life's just not fair, I struggle with loving people. Lacking love is the only time that God highlights one sin as being worse than all the others. So where does that leave me? I'll tell you where it's left me lately: Frustrated and imprisoned by guilt.
For years I've seen grace as God's ability to forgive and forget the physical sins of one's past, a past I don't have. I can't remember life before God. I can't remember when I 'turned to Jesus' after, 'my time in the world'. That isn't my testimony and to be honest, most of my life I didn't think I had a testimony. My childhood church always had 'Testimony Time' in which people would stand up and describe the radical transformation they experienced with Jesus. They told heart breaking stories of tragedy and loss, of deliverance from the strong hold of SIN and how now, it's all better and forgotten. When I worked with a drug/alcohol rehab center in Greenville, SC, almost every man would stand up on graduation day and say, "When I got here I was tore up from the floor up, but God has changed me!"
I believe in God's ability to change a person. I vaguely remember my father before Christ and he is a different man now. I don't know the person Jay describes that he was before he chose to walk this course with God. I have seen God deliver. I have seen miracles take place...but somewhere along the line I told myself that was for other people and when I screw up, I need to feel guilty about it and somehow make it up to Him.
Last week, I was driving to work and I was listening to one of my worship team CDs. Jerad makes us CDs sometimes when we're unable to meet for practice and Caden always asks to listen to, "Mama's church music" in the car. I was alone and heading into the office when a version of, 'Amazing Grace' came on. This particular version has the traditional versus but a more modern chorus that says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains. Unending Love, Amazing Grace."
I felt like I stopped grinding my teeth for the first time in weeks. I felt tension ease from my muscles and new air come into my lungs. I had forgotten (by the grace of God) to put on mascara that morning and it's a good thing because I started crying, flat out bawling, in my car on North Monroe street. It hit me: Grace is for me too!
God has seen my ugly attitude, my poor spirit, my lack of love, my selfishness, my impatience, my unkind words, the ugliness of my humanity birthed from my fatigue and the circumstances in my life that I don't enjoy. He has seen me at my worst when no one knows the extent of it and he offers me the same grace he offers others. I can be freed from the guilt of it all. I can change and not be held captive by regret. I can bring MY mess to Him and we can start dealing with it.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I guess that's why they call that kind of grace, Amazing.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Introspective
I am in a very introspective time in my life where I am evaluating and actively thinking about EVERYTHING. From relationships to organized religion...from motherhood to politics...I find myself breaking the cover off of everything I am and thought I knew and realizing there is much, much, much to learn.
I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks which is very odd for me. In fact, this is probably the first time I've missed two weeks of church in a row since 2004. I'm not distancing myself from God...quite the opposite...I just think I need to take a break from church for a while to find God.
Not that He isn't there, but my Sunday routine has left me empty and void of Him and I need to, well, shake things up a bit.
Over the past year, I have been wrestling daily with who God is. What's His personality? If you read two different parts of scripture you can see two very different sides of God. But who is He? Is He the one I think I have a relationship with or is He so much more than that...I believe He's both.
What I'm determining is that we (God and I) do have a relationship that is real and lasting and deep, that was routed early in my childhood and grown as I have....but that He is also so much more than I can possibly fathom or know, more than I've been taught and more than I've made him out to be...and that sometimes, if not most of the time, I can say nothing but, "All I know is that you love me." I think that's a healthy way to be. People who act as though they have God figured out, scare me. Particularly those who have made Him into a science...I'm learning to steer clear of that...
I'm learning a lot about other people right now as well. Some of what I'm learning has been very disappointing. I'm mourning relationships that I thought were deep and real, but aren't. I'm also realizing that there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I didn't realize cared. When Caden and I were sick last week, I was blown away by the relationships I have. I didn't hear from people I thought I would and I was bombarded with offers to help, love and concern from people I didn't know loved me as much as they do...people who were willing to come into my germ infested home and serve my family because they knew we have no family in town and could probably use the help. People offering to wash clothes, drop off groceries, make dinner...It was an eye opening experience. Thank you to those of you who surprised me in a good way. You blessed my heart. These past few months I have learned that there are few, maybe a handful, maybe even just two or three people outside of your blood relatives that will remain your life long friends. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn...seeing the evidence of this can leave one feeling used and embarrassed...but recognizing that I have a few of those friendships that will outlast the test of time, makes me feel very, very blessed indeed. I wish we were all able to be in one place. Someday I suppose...
I'm also trying to make sense of my life, geographically. This is something Jay and I have been trying to figure out for a long time. In other words, Why are we here? Why Florida? Why Tallahassee? Most days I can't answer that question...We've been here for 4 years now. Wow. I feel the winds of change sweeping in...when? Who knows...
I'm also taking any second that I have alone to feel Preston moving in my belly. If all goes as planned, this will more than likely be my last pregnancy :) and I want to enjoy it...I feel like it is flying by though. With Caden, I knew exactly what point I was at along the gestational journey. This time, I have no clue! Someone asked me the other day how many months I am and I couldn't answer them. "Um, er...Well, I'm due in April!"
Being pregnant while having another child to focus on is completely different than being pregnant for the first time. When/If it is ever quiet, I try to sit alone and focus on me and Preston. I'm so excited to meet him.
I'm also trying not to live for the future but these days I can't help it. I am so excited for it. I'm excited for the coming months, to get the nursery ready, to welcome Preston to our family, to see Caden love on him, to be able to breathe in and enjoy my family the way it is meant to be. Caden is so excited to be a big brother. I'm overwhelmingly proud of him.
I am excited for my mom and sister to come visit me...two relationships I miss tremendously every single day. I am excited for life to be what it's suppose to be because I can't help but feel it's not there yet, although I'm trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy those moments when all is right with the world.
I don't know if any of this make sense but I guess it's not suppose to. If my thoughts are all over the place, it makes sense for my writings to follow suit.
Til next time...
I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks which is very odd for me. In fact, this is probably the first time I've missed two weeks of church in a row since 2004. I'm not distancing myself from God...quite the opposite...I just think I need to take a break from church for a while to find God.
Not that He isn't there, but my Sunday routine has left me empty and void of Him and I need to, well, shake things up a bit.
Over the past year, I have been wrestling daily with who God is. What's His personality? If you read two different parts of scripture you can see two very different sides of God. But who is He? Is He the one I think I have a relationship with or is He so much more than that...I believe He's both.
What I'm determining is that we (God and I) do have a relationship that is real and lasting and deep, that was routed early in my childhood and grown as I have....but that He is also so much more than I can possibly fathom or know, more than I've been taught and more than I've made him out to be...and that sometimes, if not most of the time, I can say nothing but, "All I know is that you love me." I think that's a healthy way to be. People who act as though they have God figured out, scare me. Particularly those who have made Him into a science...I'm learning to steer clear of that...
I'm learning a lot about other people right now as well. Some of what I'm learning has been very disappointing. I'm mourning relationships that I thought were deep and real, but aren't. I'm also realizing that there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I didn't realize cared. When Caden and I were sick last week, I was blown away by the relationships I have. I didn't hear from people I thought I would and I was bombarded with offers to help, love and concern from people I didn't know loved me as much as they do...people who were willing to come into my germ infested home and serve my family because they knew we have no family in town and could probably use the help. People offering to wash clothes, drop off groceries, make dinner...It was an eye opening experience. Thank you to those of you who surprised me in a good way. You blessed my heart. These past few months I have learned that there are few, maybe a handful, maybe even just two or three people outside of your blood relatives that will remain your life long friends. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn...seeing the evidence of this can leave one feeling used and embarrassed...but recognizing that I have a few of those friendships that will outlast the test of time, makes me feel very, very blessed indeed. I wish we were all able to be in one place. Someday I suppose...
I'm also trying to make sense of my life, geographically. This is something Jay and I have been trying to figure out for a long time. In other words, Why are we here? Why Florida? Why Tallahassee? Most days I can't answer that question...We've been here for 4 years now. Wow. I feel the winds of change sweeping in...when? Who knows...
I'm also taking any second that I have alone to feel Preston moving in my belly. If all goes as planned, this will more than likely be my last pregnancy :) and I want to enjoy it...I feel like it is flying by though. With Caden, I knew exactly what point I was at along the gestational journey. This time, I have no clue! Someone asked me the other day how many months I am and I couldn't answer them. "Um, er...Well, I'm due in April!"
Being pregnant while having another child to focus on is completely different than being pregnant for the first time. When/If it is ever quiet, I try to sit alone and focus on me and Preston. I'm so excited to meet him.
I'm also trying not to live for the future but these days I can't help it. I am so excited for it. I'm excited for the coming months, to get the nursery ready, to welcome Preston to our family, to see Caden love on him, to be able to breathe in and enjoy my family the way it is meant to be. Caden is so excited to be a big brother. I'm overwhelmingly proud of him.
I am excited for my mom and sister to come visit me...two relationships I miss tremendously every single day. I am excited for life to be what it's suppose to be because I can't help but feel it's not there yet, although I'm trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy those moments when all is right with the world.
I don't know if any of this make sense but I guess it's not suppose to. If my thoughts are all over the place, it makes sense for my writings to follow suit.
Til next time...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Perspective
Caden and I have been very sick this week with a nasty stomach bug. Caden came down with it Friday night and I started with it on Monday afternoon. After much rest and lots of fluids, we are finally on the mend. He's 100% back to his old self again and I'm slowly but surely getting my strength back. Jay has been amazing through everything, putting us first and ensuring that we had everything we needed. I'm a blessed woman.
I've pretty much been in bed since Monday and had heard very little about the devastation in Haiti until today. After reading many articles and seeing the heart wrenching photos, I am burdened for them and ashamed for everything I've ever complained about. It is moments in history such as these that remind all of us how lucky we are.
I've often complained about the American Health care system because I have had the privilege of witnessing a stronger and more accessible one...and although I believe this is still an issue in and of itself, I look back over my week and shutter in complete humility and thankfulness for where I find myself. This is not a post about the health care bill, so if commenting please refrain from going there. This is a post about gaining perspective and acting on it.
When my son became dehydrated, we took him to a clean emergency room where he was given a sterilized IV and even a sticker to make his procedure more tolerable. When I was worried about my unborn child in the midst of this stomach virus, I was able to call a nurse and receive a prescription to help me rest better and recover faster. I have been able to lie in my comfortable bed, in my well insulated room with a bottle of gatorade and a cell phone by my side should I need to call someone for help. We have been able to wash our soiled clothes in steaming hot water in a washing machine, right inside of our apartment. We have had access to clean water. We not only have what we need but comforts that we want. I could go on and on but you get the picture...
We are blessed. We are blessed beyond measure...and I for one need to publicly declare how sorry I am for the things I've made important...the things I consider burdens that are simply hiccups in the road of life.
I have been trying to imagine feeling as sick as I have felt this week while living amongst the devastation in Haiti. Imagine being pregnant in that environment? Imagine being an asthmatic? Imagine having something as simple as an infected wisdom tooth or as devastating as cancer?
One of the photos I witnessed was of an elderly woman who has a serious head wound. She was lying in the dirt in a make shift clinic where panicked and outnumbered medical personnel were trying desperately to get from one victim to another. I could be one of them tonight. You could be one of them tonight.
Aside from being ill, imagine losing everyone you loved in a split second...waking up to a confusing and terrifying earth quake...watching the walls collapse and crush your spouse, your children, your family, your neighbours...Hell is not just some distant place with a Lake of Fire...it's right here and now...and this is one of those moments where God has called us to live out His will 'on earth as it is in Heaven.' We can bring Heaven to earth by responding to our brothers and sisters in Haiti, right now.
So in the midst of whatever it is you are facing, remember those people and what they are going through...and find a way to help.
You can donate by using you cell phone. Just text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross's Haiti Relief effort.
You can also donate $10 to The Salvation Army in the same manner by texting "HAITI" to 52000.
If you don't have text messaging, would like to give more than $10 or just prefer to donate online, click here Or here
By all means, pray...nothing is more powerful than that...but also act.
I've pretty much been in bed since Monday and had heard very little about the devastation in Haiti until today. After reading many articles and seeing the heart wrenching photos, I am burdened for them and ashamed for everything I've ever complained about. It is moments in history such as these that remind all of us how lucky we are.
I've often complained about the American Health care system because I have had the privilege of witnessing a stronger and more accessible one...and although I believe this is still an issue in and of itself, I look back over my week and shutter in complete humility and thankfulness for where I find myself. This is not a post about the health care bill, so if commenting please refrain from going there. This is a post about gaining perspective and acting on it.
When my son became dehydrated, we took him to a clean emergency room where he was given a sterilized IV and even a sticker to make his procedure more tolerable. When I was worried about my unborn child in the midst of this stomach virus, I was able to call a nurse and receive a prescription to help me rest better and recover faster. I have been able to lie in my comfortable bed, in my well insulated room with a bottle of gatorade and a cell phone by my side should I need to call someone for help. We have been able to wash our soiled clothes in steaming hot water in a washing machine, right inside of our apartment. We have had access to clean water. We not only have what we need but comforts that we want. I could go on and on but you get the picture...
We are blessed. We are blessed beyond measure...and I for one need to publicly declare how sorry I am for the things I've made important...the things I consider burdens that are simply hiccups in the road of life.
I have been trying to imagine feeling as sick as I have felt this week while living amongst the devastation in Haiti. Imagine being pregnant in that environment? Imagine being an asthmatic? Imagine having something as simple as an infected wisdom tooth or as devastating as cancer?
One of the photos I witnessed was of an elderly woman who has a serious head wound. She was lying in the dirt in a make shift clinic where panicked and outnumbered medical personnel were trying desperately to get from one victim to another. I could be one of them tonight. You could be one of them tonight.
Aside from being ill, imagine losing everyone you loved in a split second...waking up to a confusing and terrifying earth quake...watching the walls collapse and crush your spouse, your children, your family, your neighbours...Hell is not just some distant place with a Lake of Fire...it's right here and now...and this is one of those moments where God has called us to live out His will 'on earth as it is in Heaven.' We can bring Heaven to earth by responding to our brothers and sisters in Haiti, right now.
So in the midst of whatever it is you are facing, remember those people and what they are going through...and find a way to help.
You can donate by using you cell phone. Just text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross's Haiti Relief effort.
You can also donate $10 to The Salvation Army in the same manner by texting "HAITI" to 52000.
If you don't have text messaging, would like to give more than $10 or just prefer to donate online, click here Or here
By all means, pray...nothing is more powerful than that...but also act.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Doing Church With Excellence
I have heard many Christian leaders say that, "church should be done with excellence." As far as the biblical definition of the church (our mission and our relationships) goes, I agree 100%. God's word gives us a guideline on how to conduct ourselves, what we are to do and how we are suppose to treat one another. It is a definable type of excellence. As far as the modern day, programmed, 'meets-on-Sunday-morning' church structure goes, this statement becomes vague and far less specific. After all, what it excellence to one may be chaos, confusion or yawn inducing to another. This is where denomination comes into play. Why some of us go 'here' while other's go 'there'...why what works for one, doesn't for someone else.
I have the opportunity right now to be a part of two very different church structures. I am working for an Episcopal (Anglican) church while attending a Church or God (Pentecostal). Their bible is the same...their definitions of executing 'church with excellence' are very, very different.
The Episcopalian church has an extensive history, hundreds upon hundreds of years of tradition infused into every service and it's complicated...well...complicated to someone who is outside looking in. The thing that strikes me most about it, is that I have been a Christian my entire life, raised on biblical principle, fed scripture from an early age, and I am in need of a serious Episcopalian education in order to understand the basics of their Sunday morning meeting. The RITE I and RITE II readings, the 'Book of Prayer', the hierarchy of leadership, the protocol for weddings, baptisms, funerals, etc. All is very intricate and very detailed and very....man-made. I came home after my first few days of work and confessed to Jay that I needed to be very aware of how I treat my position because things that seem needless and petty and over-complicated to me are dearly loved and important to the people I am working with and for.
On the other side of things, I greatly respect and have learned a lot from the reverence I see in this working environment. The Reverend has a vesting room where he prepares himself in beautifully decorated robes prior to service. There is a little, old man who comes in daily and shines the silver cups used during communion. The way leadership treats the parish and the volunteers is so deeply encouraging, it's no wonder why families stay in the congregation for generations. The church is STUNNING and I mean breath-taking. Carvings and details as far as the eye can see...a temple built unto the Lord. Whoever worked tirelessly to create that place, did so out of a heart of service and reverence to the High God and you can sense that when you're in there. It's absolutely beautiful...like a physical house worthy of God's name. I just want to sit in there for hours...In the midst of beauty, reverence and attention to detail lies a lot of other stuff that isn't anywhere in scripture but is held in high regard by the people just the same. Is this church being done with excellence? They believe so...
The church I attend on Sunday's is a different matter. It's technology driven, 2010, aimed at meeting people where they are and giving them tools with which to live their lives. The messages are raw, emotional and applicable to real people. You can hear a message at genesis and leave different than when you came in with practical information about how to live your life. This, as well as the children's ministry, are my favourite things about gc.tv. In an effort to be cutting edge, it has taken on the physical appearance of a theatre. The windows are boarded up and painted over, there is an intelligent lighting system, smoke machines, loud music, triple projection screens and speakers delivering cutting edge audio and video. The bulletins have flashy pictures and the service is planned in 5-10 minute increments as to not go over time, since there are two services back to back. People wear headset microphones, similar to a television production, to communicate about lights and sound and distractions. It's really dark and loud in there, so sometimes it's hard to see and meet new people but anyone could feel right at home there...whether you've been a Christian your entire life or are coming to see what it's all about for the first time, you'll understand what's being said and sung. Instead of being focused on where they've come from, they are very focused on the now and where they are going. They have their own structure for weddings and baby dedications, baptisms and so on...Periodically the stress of the operation (electrical outages, video malfunctions, projector issues) become the center of the Sunday morning experience for those of us who are involved with the show and that's always unfortunate, but for the most part I think we try to do the best with what we have. Is our church done with excellence? I think that's the goal...
Since excellence is so relative to the person, I thought I would end this by sharing my most excellent church memory:
I've been attending genesischurch.tv for about 4 years now. For 2 of those years, we were a mobile church that met in a local high school auditorium. This required extensive set up and tear down of equipment and often, things didn't go as planned. On this particular Sunday, we had the stage wired and ready to go, the lighting system was in full force, the curtains were drawn to completely darken the room and we were about 20 minutes from starting the service. Then it happened. The power went out. Everyone went into freak out mode. What do we do? People will be here any minute, they are already showing up! The order of service began to crumble before our very eyes. It was too late to cancel so we improvised.
We opened the shutters and allowed the natural light from God to fill the room. We could see each other's faces in the daylight. It was surreal. I was so use to squinting to see my church family in a smoke-filled, dark room and it was as though I was seeing them all for the first time. Then, we closed the stage curtains. The intricate set up we had spent hours constructing that morning was now hidden behind two, giant, red curtain panels. The band went from being 8 people to two people, and they took to the stage with nothing but acoustic guitars and their natural voices. When everyone gathered, we were told to move as close to the front of the auditorium as possible so that we could hear what was going on and all be together....and with the sun filtering in through the bright, open windows, we sang together...we could hear each other's voices...we could see each other's faces...it was unscripted and unrehearsed. It was real life and real church. After a few songs, the pastor got up and spoke to us briefly about God's greatness. No one was able to play on their iphones or pass notes because we were all gathered so closely together, our eyes and hearts fixed on one thing and one thing only. God's word.
In the 4 years that I've attended this church and the 22 years I've attended others, this is the one moment that sticks out to me as a memorable, powerful, meaningful Sunday morning church moment. It was lovely. It was excellent.
I have the opportunity right now to be a part of two very different church structures. I am working for an Episcopal (Anglican) church while attending a Church or God (Pentecostal). Their bible is the same...their definitions of executing 'church with excellence' are very, very different.
The Episcopalian church has an extensive history, hundreds upon hundreds of years of tradition infused into every service and it's complicated...well...complicated to someone who is outside looking in. The thing that strikes me most about it, is that I have been a Christian my entire life, raised on biblical principle, fed scripture from an early age, and I am in need of a serious Episcopalian education in order to understand the basics of their Sunday morning meeting. The RITE I and RITE II readings, the 'Book of Prayer', the hierarchy of leadership, the protocol for weddings, baptisms, funerals, etc. All is very intricate and very detailed and very....man-made. I came home after my first few days of work and confessed to Jay that I needed to be very aware of how I treat my position because things that seem needless and petty and over-complicated to me are dearly loved and important to the people I am working with and for.
On the other side of things, I greatly respect and have learned a lot from the reverence I see in this working environment. The Reverend has a vesting room where he prepares himself in beautifully decorated robes prior to service. There is a little, old man who comes in daily and shines the silver cups used during communion. The way leadership treats the parish and the volunteers is so deeply encouraging, it's no wonder why families stay in the congregation for generations. The church is STUNNING and I mean breath-taking. Carvings and details as far as the eye can see...a temple built unto the Lord. Whoever worked tirelessly to create that place, did so out of a heart of service and reverence to the High God and you can sense that when you're in there. It's absolutely beautiful...like a physical house worthy of God's name. I just want to sit in there for hours...In the midst of beauty, reverence and attention to detail lies a lot of other stuff that isn't anywhere in scripture but is held in high regard by the people just the same. Is this church being done with excellence? They believe so...
The church I attend on Sunday's is a different matter. It's technology driven, 2010, aimed at meeting people where they are and giving them tools with which to live their lives. The messages are raw, emotional and applicable to real people. You can hear a message at genesis and leave different than when you came in with practical information about how to live your life. This, as well as the children's ministry, are my favourite things about gc.tv. In an effort to be cutting edge, it has taken on the physical appearance of a theatre. The windows are boarded up and painted over, there is an intelligent lighting system, smoke machines, loud music, triple projection screens and speakers delivering cutting edge audio and video. The bulletins have flashy pictures and the service is planned in 5-10 minute increments as to not go over time, since there are two services back to back. People wear headset microphones, similar to a television production, to communicate about lights and sound and distractions. It's really dark and loud in there, so sometimes it's hard to see and meet new people but anyone could feel right at home there...whether you've been a Christian your entire life or are coming to see what it's all about for the first time, you'll understand what's being said and sung. Instead of being focused on where they've come from, they are very focused on the now and where they are going. They have their own structure for weddings and baby dedications, baptisms and so on...Periodically the stress of the operation (electrical outages, video malfunctions, projector issues) become the center of the Sunday morning experience for those of us who are involved with the show and that's always unfortunate, but for the most part I think we try to do the best with what we have. Is our church done with excellence? I think that's the goal...
Since excellence is so relative to the person, I thought I would end this by sharing my most excellent church memory:
I've been attending genesischurch.tv for about 4 years now. For 2 of those years, we were a mobile church that met in a local high school auditorium. This required extensive set up and tear down of equipment and often, things didn't go as planned. On this particular Sunday, we had the stage wired and ready to go, the lighting system was in full force, the curtains were drawn to completely darken the room and we were about 20 minutes from starting the service. Then it happened. The power went out. Everyone went into freak out mode. What do we do? People will be here any minute, they are already showing up! The order of service began to crumble before our very eyes. It was too late to cancel so we improvised.
We opened the shutters and allowed the natural light from God to fill the room. We could see each other's faces in the daylight. It was surreal. I was so use to squinting to see my church family in a smoke-filled, dark room and it was as though I was seeing them all for the first time. Then, we closed the stage curtains. The intricate set up we had spent hours constructing that morning was now hidden behind two, giant, red curtain panels. The band went from being 8 people to two people, and they took to the stage with nothing but acoustic guitars and their natural voices. When everyone gathered, we were told to move as close to the front of the auditorium as possible so that we could hear what was going on and all be together....and with the sun filtering in through the bright, open windows, we sang together...we could hear each other's voices...we could see each other's faces...it was unscripted and unrehearsed. It was real life and real church. After a few songs, the pastor got up and spoke to us briefly about God's greatness. No one was able to play on their iphones or pass notes because we were all gathered so closely together, our eyes and hearts fixed on one thing and one thing only. God's word.
In the 4 years that I've attended this church and the 22 years I've attended others, this is the one moment that sticks out to me as a memorable, powerful, meaningful Sunday morning church moment. It was lovely. It was excellent.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
BUSY
Life is very busy these days. I've taken on a part-time job as the administrative assistant at a local episcopal church. It's been interesting to learn the ins and outs of the Anglican parish. There's a lot of verbiage, hierarchy and rituals involved...not to mention an extensive church history and liturgical calendar. The church building I work in is about 250 years old. The architecture is stunning. It's like a scene from a horror movie. Beautiful by day, terrifying by night. There is a life size carving of Jesus on the cross hanging in the chapel. It's seriously a 6 ft man, painted to resemble a real person. I think I may have let out a little squeal when I first saw it. It took me by surprise.
The work is busy which is good because it makes the day go by quickly...almost too quickly. I took over from a woman who was doing the job in 40 hours a week so now I'm trying to complete that same work load in half the time. It's challenging. I am suppose to work from 9-1 but everyday this week has started early in an effort to get things done and today I didn't get to leave until 4:30. Thankfully, the church has a full service cafe so I was able to grab some lunch.
Between the 25+ hours at the church, the 8+ hours a week I spend working at the restaurant and the 8 hours a week I spend volunteering at genesis between Sundays and Thursday night worship team practice, not to mention the laundry, dishes and other household garbage, it's been ridiculously hard to maintain the energy needed for my most important job: Wife and mom.
I don't believe that a woman (or man) can 'do it all'. You either do one thing at the expense of the other or vice versa. Thankfully, this job is temporary and I think financially it is very much a gift from God. It's a temporary position and they are wanting to hire someone full time on March 1. I declined the offer to stay on because I have no intention of putting a new born in daycare 30 seconds after he's born and I really want the month of March to focus on my pregnancy and my time with Caden and Jay. So in the midst of the craziness, the timing is perfect and the pay is good. I'm going to take a break from the piano bar after Valentines Day because 4 hours on a piano stool + a pregnant stomach = a very sore back. Plus, I feel like I never see my husband anymore and that's lame. Without him, I'm not me...at least I'm not the best me I can be. He works til 8 everyday of the week except for Friday...and on Friday he gets home at 5:30 and I kiss him goodbye at 6 to head into Georgio's. Ships passing in the night. Thankfully, we have Sunday evenings together and it's my favourite night of the week.
Caden hasn't adjusted great to me not being around in the mornings but he is fortunate to be able to stay home with Daddy til about 10-11 and then go into the childcare room at the gym 'til I pick him up. Ms. Autumn has been a godsend, staying with him a little longer when traffic is heavy and this afternoon she made herself available to watch him all afternoon. She's one of those people that gives you faith in the goodness of humanity :)
So, if I'm not posting with regularity it's because I'm trying to catch up on something else but I'll try and write whenever I can. It keeps me relatively sane after all, and my sanity is not something I can afford to lose right now. Much too busy :)
The work is busy which is good because it makes the day go by quickly...almost too quickly. I took over from a woman who was doing the job in 40 hours a week so now I'm trying to complete that same work load in half the time. It's challenging. I am suppose to work from 9-1 but everyday this week has started early in an effort to get things done and today I didn't get to leave until 4:30. Thankfully, the church has a full service cafe so I was able to grab some lunch.
Between the 25+ hours at the church, the 8+ hours a week I spend working at the restaurant and the 8 hours a week I spend volunteering at genesis between Sundays and Thursday night worship team practice, not to mention the laundry, dishes and other household garbage, it's been ridiculously hard to maintain the energy needed for my most important job: Wife and mom.
I don't believe that a woman (or man) can 'do it all'. You either do one thing at the expense of the other or vice versa. Thankfully, this job is temporary and I think financially it is very much a gift from God. It's a temporary position and they are wanting to hire someone full time on March 1. I declined the offer to stay on because I have no intention of putting a new born in daycare 30 seconds after he's born and I really want the month of March to focus on my pregnancy and my time with Caden and Jay. So in the midst of the craziness, the timing is perfect and the pay is good. I'm going to take a break from the piano bar after Valentines Day because 4 hours on a piano stool + a pregnant stomach = a very sore back. Plus, I feel like I never see my husband anymore and that's lame. Without him, I'm not me...at least I'm not the best me I can be. He works til 8 everyday of the week except for Friday...and on Friday he gets home at 5:30 and I kiss him goodbye at 6 to head into Georgio's. Ships passing in the night. Thankfully, we have Sunday evenings together and it's my favourite night of the week.
Caden hasn't adjusted great to me not being around in the mornings but he is fortunate to be able to stay home with Daddy til about 10-11 and then go into the childcare room at the gym 'til I pick him up. Ms. Autumn has been a godsend, staying with him a little longer when traffic is heavy and this afternoon she made herself available to watch him all afternoon. She's one of those people that gives you faith in the goodness of humanity :)
So, if I'm not posting with regularity it's because I'm trying to catch up on something else but I'll try and write whenever I can. It keeps me relatively sane after all, and my sanity is not something I can afford to lose right now. Much too busy :)
Friday, January 01, 2010
Happy New Decade!
It's 2010! Crazy. I remember ringing in the New Millennium like it was yesterday. Insane that it was 10 years ago and I was 16. If someone would have told me 10 years ago that in 2010 I'd be married for almost 7 years, living in America with a 4 year old and baby on the way, I would have been terrified!!!! It's good that we don't hold our future in our own hands. I wonder what 'terrifying' yet amazing things lie ahead for this coming decade?
I guess I'll just have to hang on and enjoy the ride :)
I suppose it isn't good to think in terms of decades. We are, after all suppose to take it one day at a time...but I'll go ahead and do my annual ritual of resolution making followed by my annual resolution breaking :) Just kidding.
Last years resolutions were as follows:
- Loose weight, get fit
- Read more, particularly the bible
- Be a better wife, mother, friend and all around person
- Write, finish and actively submit a book for publishing
- Spend more time in prayer
Well, I'm happy to say that I successfully completed a lot of the things on this list! I reached a weight loss goal I've been aiming for my entire adult life...then I got pregnant and it all went out the window, but that's besides the point :)
22 days after I wrote my resolutions, I was offered a book contract and worked on it from January-September of last year. The tentative date for it's release is April, 2010. Insane. God is good.
I read a lot more than I did last year...but I definitely need to crack the holy scriptures more. I started a year long bible reading regimen last year that lasted about 2 weeks. I've read it throughout the year but not with the structure or consistency that I intended to on January 1, 2009. I'm going to start it again this year and see how far I get. It's very hard to be consistent in this area, at least for me. But it's a goal worth repeating.
Prayer has been a roller coaster this year because I believe 2009 is the year that God began to reveal Himself to me in a different way...a way I've never considered...in a light I've never seen Him. Sometimes this made prayer extremely difficult because I wondered if I even knew Him at all. Other times, I had never felt more connected.
I can't really determine whether I was a better wife, mother and friend...I guess you'll have to ask Jay, Caden and yourselves that question :) but I tried.
So this year I have the following resolutions (not in the order of importance):
- I will have a baby (I guess that's inevitable at this point :)
- As soon as I'm dr. approved, I will get back into shape. I have more specific numbers with regards to poundage but they don't have to be posted on the internet :)
- I will market my first book and make it as successful as possible.
- I will chose to see people as God sees them regardless of whether I enjoy them or not.
- I will read my bible more (like I said, this will be a recurring goal throughout my life so I apologize for the monotony)
- I will love, respect and serve my family with a joyful heart and whatever we endure, we'll grow closer through it.
A lot of people give resolutions a bad rap, but I'm a fan of them. They are goals, aspirations, structured plans for a positive and successful future. Whether you are discouraged by how many you've broken or stumped as to what to promise yourself, I encouraged you to sit down, make a plan and try again. You only live once and the new year reminds us how quickly time flies.
Happy New Year, everyone!
I guess I'll just have to hang on and enjoy the ride :)
I suppose it isn't good to think in terms of decades. We are, after all suppose to take it one day at a time...but I'll go ahead and do my annual ritual of resolution making followed by my annual resolution breaking :) Just kidding.
Last years resolutions were as follows:
- Loose weight, get fit
- Read more, particularly the bible
- Be a better wife, mother, friend and all around person
- Write, finish and actively submit a book for publishing
- Spend more time in prayer
Well, I'm happy to say that I successfully completed a lot of the things on this list! I reached a weight loss goal I've been aiming for my entire adult life...then I got pregnant and it all went out the window, but that's besides the point :)
22 days after I wrote my resolutions, I was offered a book contract and worked on it from January-September of last year. The tentative date for it's release is April, 2010. Insane. God is good.
I read a lot more than I did last year...but I definitely need to crack the holy scriptures more. I started a year long bible reading regimen last year that lasted about 2 weeks. I've read it throughout the year but not with the structure or consistency that I intended to on January 1, 2009. I'm going to start it again this year and see how far I get. It's very hard to be consistent in this area, at least for me. But it's a goal worth repeating.
Prayer has been a roller coaster this year because I believe 2009 is the year that God began to reveal Himself to me in a different way...a way I've never considered...in a light I've never seen Him. Sometimes this made prayer extremely difficult because I wondered if I even knew Him at all. Other times, I had never felt more connected.
I can't really determine whether I was a better wife, mother and friend...I guess you'll have to ask Jay, Caden and yourselves that question :) but I tried.
So this year I have the following resolutions (not in the order of importance):
- I will have a baby (I guess that's inevitable at this point :)
- As soon as I'm dr. approved, I will get back into shape. I have more specific numbers with regards to poundage but they don't have to be posted on the internet :)
- I will market my first book and make it as successful as possible.
- I will chose to see people as God sees them regardless of whether I enjoy them or not.
- I will read my bible more (like I said, this will be a recurring goal throughout my life so I apologize for the monotony)
- I will love, respect and serve my family with a joyful heart and whatever we endure, we'll grow closer through it.
A lot of people give resolutions a bad rap, but I'm a fan of them. They are goals, aspirations, structured plans for a positive and successful future. Whether you are discouraged by how many you've broken or stumped as to what to promise yourself, I encouraged you to sit down, make a plan and try again. You only live once and the new year reminds us how quickly time flies.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Unintended Affirmation
I engaged in an online conversation via facebook last week that has really consumed my thoughts and caused me to meditate, evaluate and consider a lot of different things about life, money, compassion and everything in between.
The discussion was based on a comment someone made about how the dignity of employment is the best cure for hunger.
As someone who believes that every able bodied man and woman should work and work hard, I immediately agreed that this was certainly one way to combat hunger but felt the need to point out that a lot of hard working citizens in America today do so tirelessly and aren't properly compensated for their labor. Staggering numbers are being laid off from jobs they've had for decades. Sometimes, a person can do everything they know how to do and it's just not enough. In these moment, I believe we are called (not just as Christians, but as humans) to be compassionate and give/share with our fellow man.
This started a barrage of comments about how government assistance cripples people, how handouts are ungodly and so on. Since life long handouts was not the kind of mercy I was referring to, I decided to use a personal example.
Now, I am the first to proclaim how BLESSED I am to the world and how proud I am of my husband for always ensuring that we go without nothing that we need but 2009 has certainly been a financial roller coaster for us and it has given me new eyes when it comes to those who find themselves down on their luck. I realize how quickly the rug can be snatched out from under neath us. I spoke of how we are in the process of losing a house, how Jay's salary has decreased due to the retail industry plummeting, how we downsized our lives and took on a roommate.
After sharing our situation, I received little empathy from any involved in the debate, but that's ok...that's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to share how a merciful hand up has helped us a time or two along this painful journey. Further into the conversation we were joined by a Pastor I've never met and he, after reading my story, addressed me this was:
"What a pile of liberal propaganda!...Maybe if you did what Dave Ramsey says and 'acted your wage' you wouldn't need a roommate...and it's still a democracy. If you don't like your job, get a new one or go back to college. Wah! Wah! Wah!"
I was shocked. I didn't expect empathy and didn't want pity but I certainly didn't expect mockery and words of hatred. I was blown away by his lack of love and kindness...I couldn't believe a representative of Christ, a teacher of His word, would speak to someone they know nothing about like that and openly mock them on a public site.
I was embarrassed, confused and unsure as to whether sharing my view was a good idea in the first place. At the end of a year marked by mistakes and unexpected blows, when we're working hard daily to right our wrongs and become better people, this comment was an emotional blow.
I've openly admitted on this blog that some of the things that have happened to us this year have been self inflicted, if not most of them. We bought a car 5 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Mitsubishi (almost done though, praise Jesus!)...we bought a house 3 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Bank of America...and although both purchases fit well within our income bracket and budget at the time, that income bracket changed dramatically when people stopped buying treadmills and ellipticals (Jay sold high end fitness equipment and was paid on commission). We made the mistake of thinking our future income would match our past income and we counted on money we had not yet earned. Then, over the course of 2 years, our household income was cut in half. These purchases were our mistake, our fault and we fully admit the error of our ways, often saying how much we'd like to 'punch past Jay and Kathy in the face' :)
Point being, we don't need someone to kick us while we're down. We're fully capable of doing that to ourselves and it's a daily struggle not to. We aren't proud of what we've done but we're proud of where we're going and the strides we're making to get there. Mockery is not encouraging.
This man's comment made me think a lot about who I am. I know I shouldn't have allowed his hateful words to echo in my mind but they have and to be honest, he has given me a gift he didn't intend to. I believe he intended to arrogantly put me in my place and teach me a cruel lesson. Instead, what he has done is given me some unintended affirmation.
My husband has been able to find and secure a great job in the middle of an employment crisis and he is really, really good at what he does. Over the last few months we've been making a plan and taking strides towards getting him back in school. He is driven, hardworking, generous and kind. With people being laid off by the thousands and job availability being slim to none these days, he has been able to make a successful move from one business to another and secure a lifestyle for us. I'm so grateful for him. Because we have worked diligently over the past 3 years to pay off our debt, our list of debtors has gone from 8 to 2, something we are incredibly proud of...no credit card debt, no personal loans...we've been very successful in reducing our debt snowball. With our household income declining, it's been hard to feel like we've made any progress at all but we have and I know times would be much harder now if we were still slaves to eight debtors.
Predicting a problem, we started trying to sell out home in June 2008 and it's still on the market to this day. I hope it sells but I am not expecting deliverance. I'll graciously and humbly accept it, but I'm not expecting it. We did this, we are now trying to fix it and we'll take what comes with it. If I need to experience bankruptcy to become the woman God has called me to be or to fully learn from this error, I accept those terms. I know my Father loves me.
We made the tough choice to downsize to an apartment and one vehicle. I'll never forget the look on Jay's face the day we sold his motorcycle...it was just a old Honda but it meant the world to him and he gave it up for the betterment of our situation. We've trimmed an already pretty skinny family budget, sold the things we don't use and took on a roommate who luckily is a close and trusted family friend. Through these choices we've been able to make steps towards a better future and it feels good.
My point of sharing our story in that conversation a few days ago was to promote compassion. Compassion has been a saving grace for us several times throughout this year and because we're making our situation better, we've been able to bestow practical compassion and aid on a lot of other people who have needed it. I believe in hard work and ownership but it's important that we recognize the moments when grace and mercy are necessary.
All this to say, at first this man's comments made me ashamed and embarrassed of myself but the more I thought about where we are now vs. where we use to be, the more satisfied and affirmed in my journey I became. I also have become, to a deeper level, more thankful for my life. Even though I've known financial stress, I've never gone hungry...I've never had to withhold basic needs from my child...we have everything we need and a bunch of things we want...God is good and is blessing our efforts. We are right on track.
This man's intended kick in the face became a pat on the back and in a weird way, I thank him for that.
His comment also taught me to never, ever harshly judge another living soul...to chose empathy before arrogance...to chose mercy and grace before common sense. Sometimes being merciful and gracious is bad for business and looks bad on paper. Sometimes, when you dissect love and make it a science you can come up with all kinds of reasons why it's better not to but I for one am going to make an effort to chose it, every time.
If I don't write another blog before the New Year (which I'm sure I will), that will be my resolution. To chose mercy, grace and love, every time.
Thanks for reading.
The discussion was based on a comment someone made about how the dignity of employment is the best cure for hunger.
As someone who believes that every able bodied man and woman should work and work hard, I immediately agreed that this was certainly one way to combat hunger but felt the need to point out that a lot of hard working citizens in America today do so tirelessly and aren't properly compensated for their labor. Staggering numbers are being laid off from jobs they've had for decades. Sometimes, a person can do everything they know how to do and it's just not enough. In these moment, I believe we are called (not just as Christians, but as humans) to be compassionate and give/share with our fellow man.
This started a barrage of comments about how government assistance cripples people, how handouts are ungodly and so on. Since life long handouts was not the kind of mercy I was referring to, I decided to use a personal example.
Now, I am the first to proclaim how BLESSED I am to the world and how proud I am of my husband for always ensuring that we go without nothing that we need but 2009 has certainly been a financial roller coaster for us and it has given me new eyes when it comes to those who find themselves down on their luck. I realize how quickly the rug can be snatched out from under neath us. I spoke of how we are in the process of losing a house, how Jay's salary has decreased due to the retail industry plummeting, how we downsized our lives and took on a roommate.
After sharing our situation, I received little empathy from any involved in the debate, but that's ok...that's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to share how a merciful hand up has helped us a time or two along this painful journey. Further into the conversation we were joined by a Pastor I've never met and he, after reading my story, addressed me this was:
"What a pile of liberal propaganda!...Maybe if you did what Dave Ramsey says and 'acted your wage' you wouldn't need a roommate...and it's still a democracy. If you don't like your job, get a new one or go back to college. Wah! Wah! Wah!"
I was shocked. I didn't expect empathy and didn't want pity but I certainly didn't expect mockery and words of hatred. I was blown away by his lack of love and kindness...I couldn't believe a representative of Christ, a teacher of His word, would speak to someone they know nothing about like that and openly mock them on a public site.
I was embarrassed, confused and unsure as to whether sharing my view was a good idea in the first place. At the end of a year marked by mistakes and unexpected blows, when we're working hard daily to right our wrongs and become better people, this comment was an emotional blow.
I've openly admitted on this blog that some of the things that have happened to us this year have been self inflicted, if not most of them. We bought a car 5 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Mitsubishi (almost done though, praise Jesus!)...we bought a house 3 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Bank of America...and although both purchases fit well within our income bracket and budget at the time, that income bracket changed dramatically when people stopped buying treadmills and ellipticals (Jay sold high end fitness equipment and was paid on commission). We made the mistake of thinking our future income would match our past income and we counted on money we had not yet earned. Then, over the course of 2 years, our household income was cut in half. These purchases were our mistake, our fault and we fully admit the error of our ways, often saying how much we'd like to 'punch past Jay and Kathy in the face' :)
Point being, we don't need someone to kick us while we're down. We're fully capable of doing that to ourselves and it's a daily struggle not to. We aren't proud of what we've done but we're proud of where we're going and the strides we're making to get there. Mockery is not encouraging.
This man's comment made me think a lot about who I am. I know I shouldn't have allowed his hateful words to echo in my mind but they have and to be honest, he has given me a gift he didn't intend to. I believe he intended to arrogantly put me in my place and teach me a cruel lesson. Instead, what he has done is given me some unintended affirmation.
My husband has been able to find and secure a great job in the middle of an employment crisis and he is really, really good at what he does. Over the last few months we've been making a plan and taking strides towards getting him back in school. He is driven, hardworking, generous and kind. With people being laid off by the thousands and job availability being slim to none these days, he has been able to make a successful move from one business to another and secure a lifestyle for us. I'm so grateful for him. Because we have worked diligently over the past 3 years to pay off our debt, our list of debtors has gone from 8 to 2, something we are incredibly proud of...no credit card debt, no personal loans...we've been very successful in reducing our debt snowball. With our household income declining, it's been hard to feel like we've made any progress at all but we have and I know times would be much harder now if we were still slaves to eight debtors.
Predicting a problem, we started trying to sell out home in June 2008 and it's still on the market to this day. I hope it sells but I am not expecting deliverance. I'll graciously and humbly accept it, but I'm not expecting it. We did this, we are now trying to fix it and we'll take what comes with it. If I need to experience bankruptcy to become the woman God has called me to be or to fully learn from this error, I accept those terms. I know my Father loves me.
We made the tough choice to downsize to an apartment and one vehicle. I'll never forget the look on Jay's face the day we sold his motorcycle...it was just a old Honda but it meant the world to him and he gave it up for the betterment of our situation. We've trimmed an already pretty skinny family budget, sold the things we don't use and took on a roommate who luckily is a close and trusted family friend. Through these choices we've been able to make steps towards a better future and it feels good.
My point of sharing our story in that conversation a few days ago was to promote compassion. Compassion has been a saving grace for us several times throughout this year and because we're making our situation better, we've been able to bestow practical compassion and aid on a lot of other people who have needed it. I believe in hard work and ownership but it's important that we recognize the moments when grace and mercy are necessary.
All this to say, at first this man's comments made me ashamed and embarrassed of myself but the more I thought about where we are now vs. where we use to be, the more satisfied and affirmed in my journey I became. I also have become, to a deeper level, more thankful for my life. Even though I've known financial stress, I've never gone hungry...I've never had to withhold basic needs from my child...we have everything we need and a bunch of things we want...God is good and is blessing our efforts. We are right on track.
This man's intended kick in the face became a pat on the back and in a weird way, I thank him for that.
His comment also taught me to never, ever harshly judge another living soul...to chose empathy before arrogance...to chose mercy and grace before common sense. Sometimes being merciful and gracious is bad for business and looks bad on paper. Sometimes, when you dissect love and make it a science you can come up with all kinds of reasons why it's better not to but I for one am going to make an effort to chose it, every time.
If I don't write another blog before the New Year (which I'm sure I will), that will be my resolution. To chose mercy, grace and love, every time.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Have an amazing Christmas everyone! Share what you have, hug your family and friends and love your neighbour as yourself. Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Christmas with Caden
This is the first year that Caden can really grasp the magic of Christmas. We've written our letter to Santa (yes, we do Santa...GASP!), watched Christmas movies, baked cookies, decorated the house, got a real tree and read the story of Baby Jesus over and over. Caden knows every Christmas carol from 'Joy to the World' to 'Happy Birthday Jesus' (refer to previous post :) He sat through a full-length film for the first time. It was 'Santa Buddies'...a cheesy, holiday film about golden retriever puppies, saving the north pole. Brought a tear to Jay's eye ;) Shhhhh, don't tell him I told you that.
Christmas with a little one is a refreshing reminder of how miraculous things are. When Caden kneels in front of the nativity set and stares at Baby Jesus, it teaches me to do the same. It's easy to let the financial stress and busy schedule get in the way of sitting, staring, thanking and soaking up the season.
He does often ask me if Jesus is a girl because in our particular nativity set, he has a purple blanket and according to Caden he also has, "Pink Lips." Coupled with the fact that adult Jesus is always depicted as a fair skinned, wimpy man with a dress and long hair, Caden is often confused as to his gender. He also believes that God is in his heart the same way that his baby brother is in my tummy...and that he will eventually have to go to the hospital to 'get Him out.'
I'm not too concerned about his theology at this point...there's plenty of time to work this stuff out :)
Christmas with Caden gives me the opportunity to explain over and over and over again, (in true 3 year old fashion) what Christmas is. I love it.
Next year, we have no idea where we'll be living or what we'll be doing but we do know that we'll have two little monsters vying for the Christmas tree ornaments, trying to sneak into Mama's closet to find the presents. Should be double the holiday magic. :)
Christmas with a little one is a refreshing reminder of how miraculous things are. When Caden kneels in front of the nativity set and stares at Baby Jesus, it teaches me to do the same. It's easy to let the financial stress and busy schedule get in the way of sitting, staring, thanking and soaking up the season.
He does often ask me if Jesus is a girl because in our particular nativity set, he has a purple blanket and according to Caden he also has, "Pink Lips." Coupled with the fact that adult Jesus is always depicted as a fair skinned, wimpy man with a dress and long hair, Caden is often confused as to his gender. He also believes that God is in his heart the same way that his baby brother is in my tummy...and that he will eventually have to go to the hospital to 'get Him out.'
I'm not too concerned about his theology at this point...there's plenty of time to work this stuff out :)
Christmas with Caden gives me the opportunity to explain over and over and over again, (in true 3 year old fashion) what Christmas is. I love it.
Next year, we have no idea where we'll be living or what we'll be doing but we do know that we'll have two little monsters vying for the Christmas tree ornaments, trying to sneak into Mama's closet to find the presents. Should be double the holiday magic. :)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Christmas Concert 2009
Today Caden took part in his first Christmas concert...and boy, did he take part! Our church has two services on Sunday mornings so he and his friends were given the opportunity to perform their musical number twice!
The first time (and this is one out of about 5 songs) he did great! He stood still, sang, did some actions and made Mama proud.
The second service he was evidently a bit bored so he decided to make it the Caden show. I wasn't prepared to video tape this service because he had done so well in the first...but when I saw these shenanigans start up I knew I had to capture it. The footage isn't very good but you can see enough to know he's being a ham...
Luckily, the church video taped both services professionally so hopefully I will be able to score a copy of each, distinct memory. Oh my...
Merry Christmas!
The first time (and this is one out of about 5 songs) he did great! He stood still, sang, did some actions and made Mama proud.
The second service he was evidently a bit bored so he decided to make it the Caden show. I wasn't prepared to video tape this service because he had done so well in the first...but when I saw these shenanigans start up I knew I had to capture it. The footage isn't very good but you can see enough to know he's being a ham...
Luckily, the church video taped both services professionally so hopefully I will be able to score a copy of each, distinct memory. Oh my...
Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Relationship Lesson #33094
I'm beginning to understand that some relationships are seasonal and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. I am coming to the conclusion that there are few people whom you remain compatible with for your entire life and that's ok. After all, we all change. We all need different things from different people at different points in our lives and sometimes the natural changes of time (however quickly they occur) just make us incompatible with people we use to be compatible with.
There are seasons when appreciation is reciprocated and I believe that is when friendship flourishes. When there is a mutual appreciation and respect...a desire to be with and around someone that reflects their desire to be with and around you. You have things in common, you can have trusted, confidential talks, you have concern for one another. It's a beautiful thing.
So many times i have found myself in these types of relationships only to see them change or vanish into thin air without warning. Did I do something wrong? Was I being used? Probably not. Although, when you sense someone is distancing themselves from you, it hurts like heck and it feels very personal.
After long, hard consideration and contemplation of this topic, I've come to the conclusion that seasons are natural, even in relationship and there's nothing to be paranoid or sad about. This of course doesn't apply to all relationships. As a wife, I have promised to love, respect, grow and change WITH my husband instead of apart from him. I praise God that this has been an almost effortless feat in my 6.5 year marriage thus far...perhaps it will become more difficult as time passes, but I am blessed to be married to a man who doesn't just change, but changes for the better on purpose and makes me better in the process. This type of relationship is one of the best that God has going in the earth.
My sons will never stop being my children, no matter what they do...this relationship is one in which I will have to be a martyr, tighten my lip, take a lot of abuse and shell out Christ-sized portions of love...I will love them as cute babies, annoying/funny toddlers, awkward kids, bratty teens and rebellious young adults...and hopefully, when they are men, I will be their parent AND their friend...until then, I am their Mom and nothing, not time, distance or circumstance, will change that. They can't get rid of me, even if they want to :)
In my particular situation, my parents will always be there for me and I praise God for that because I know it's unique. Some parents are more immature than their children...that is not my situation. I hope I can be half of who they are and I know my children will be better for it if I am. Their commitment to me, my husband and my children will last as long as they have breath in their bodies....which I hope is a long, long time.
But friendship is a different story...and I praise God for that hand full of people who love me at every point of my life and make a choice to stay committed to me when I'm on and off...who love me for me...not for what I can do for them, not for what I bring to the table, not by default because of my kids or my husband...but just for me...and that type of friendship is selfless and unchanging...and rare...super rare.
I have had these conversations with a few people lately and they have affirmed the fact that I am not crazy...another reason why it's important to have good friends :) and instead of dwelling on the people who have walked out of my life without explanation or whose lives I have had to walk out of for self-preservation, I am going to focus on the people who God has given to me as trusted, life-long friends.
You are rare, beautiful, amazing and dear to me...and hopefully you know who you are ;)
There are seasons when appreciation is reciprocated and I believe that is when friendship flourishes. When there is a mutual appreciation and respect...a desire to be with and around someone that reflects their desire to be with and around you. You have things in common, you can have trusted, confidential talks, you have concern for one another. It's a beautiful thing.
So many times i have found myself in these types of relationships only to see them change or vanish into thin air without warning. Did I do something wrong? Was I being used? Probably not. Although, when you sense someone is distancing themselves from you, it hurts like heck and it feels very personal.
After long, hard consideration and contemplation of this topic, I've come to the conclusion that seasons are natural, even in relationship and there's nothing to be paranoid or sad about. This of course doesn't apply to all relationships. As a wife, I have promised to love, respect, grow and change WITH my husband instead of apart from him. I praise God that this has been an almost effortless feat in my 6.5 year marriage thus far...perhaps it will become more difficult as time passes, but I am blessed to be married to a man who doesn't just change, but changes for the better on purpose and makes me better in the process. This type of relationship is one of the best that God has going in the earth.
My sons will never stop being my children, no matter what they do...this relationship is one in which I will have to be a martyr, tighten my lip, take a lot of abuse and shell out Christ-sized portions of love...I will love them as cute babies, annoying/funny toddlers, awkward kids, bratty teens and rebellious young adults...and hopefully, when they are men, I will be their parent AND their friend...until then, I am their Mom and nothing, not time, distance or circumstance, will change that. They can't get rid of me, even if they want to :)
In my particular situation, my parents will always be there for me and I praise God for that because I know it's unique. Some parents are more immature than their children...that is not my situation. I hope I can be half of who they are and I know my children will be better for it if I am. Their commitment to me, my husband and my children will last as long as they have breath in their bodies....which I hope is a long, long time.
But friendship is a different story...and I praise God for that hand full of people who love me at every point of my life and make a choice to stay committed to me when I'm on and off...who love me for me...not for what I can do for them, not for what I bring to the table, not by default because of my kids or my husband...but just for me...and that type of friendship is selfless and unchanging...and rare...super rare.
I have had these conversations with a few people lately and they have affirmed the fact that I am not crazy...another reason why it's important to have good friends :) and instead of dwelling on the people who have walked out of my life without explanation or whose lives I have had to walk out of for self-preservation, I am going to focus on the people who God has given to me as trusted, life-long friends.
You are rare, beautiful, amazing and dear to me...and hopefully you know who you are ;)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Frustration Station
I'm allowed to be frustrated, right? I think we all are. Somethings are just irritating. Add to the mix lack of sleep, aching back, money stress, non-stop toddler and 80,000 pounds of Christmas cards and paperwork I've been working on this week, and it's a recipe for disaster. I woke up a bit late this morning because I had a terrible night sleep and Jay got up with Caden so I could rest from 8-10 this morning...when I got up, it hit me. I NEED TO SEND OUT CANADIAN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS TODAY OR THEY WON'T MAKE IT IN TIME.
I threw on clothes, skipped breakfast (which is not smart for a pregnant lady) and assured Jay I'd be back in 10 minutes so he could get to work on time and of course, once I get to the post office, the line is LONG and slowly moving. I pick out festive envelopes and line up with my 70 Christmas cards, 4 packages and sad little debit card that is shuttering at the thought of being maxed out on shipping charges.
I do this every year.
I send out 70 Christmas cards and I receive maybe 25. Which leads me to believe, giving must feel better than receiving, otherwise I would have quit these shenanigans a decade ago and saved on postage. Every year I say I'm going to make a list of the people who sent me cards and only send cards to them next year but I never do. As much as I hate the cost of stamps...I love Christmas cards...can't lie.
I get to the counter and the woman gives me tons of customs forms to fill out so she moves me to the side and begins helping all the people behind me while I fill them out. I fill them out and she continues helping people behind me. Finally I say, "I'm done!" and she pays attention to me again.
After I slide my card and officially spend more on shipping than I did on Christmas, I leave the post office, 30 minutes after arriving, knowing that Jay is probably fuming at my lateness because he has to get to work.
He's not. In fact, when I open the door, he's doing laundry and putting a chicken in the crock pot for dinner tonight and greeting me with a smile.
So, regardless of how hungry I am, tired I feel, irritated I become or empty my pockets are, I have a pretty amazing man at home who eliminates all of that irritation with a smile and a hug.
It's going to be alright...
I threw on clothes, skipped breakfast (which is not smart for a pregnant lady) and assured Jay I'd be back in 10 minutes so he could get to work on time and of course, once I get to the post office, the line is LONG and slowly moving. I pick out festive envelopes and line up with my 70 Christmas cards, 4 packages and sad little debit card that is shuttering at the thought of being maxed out on shipping charges.
I do this every year.
I send out 70 Christmas cards and I receive maybe 25. Which leads me to believe, giving must feel better than receiving, otherwise I would have quit these shenanigans a decade ago and saved on postage. Every year I say I'm going to make a list of the people who sent me cards and only send cards to them next year but I never do. As much as I hate the cost of stamps...I love Christmas cards...can't lie.
I get to the counter and the woman gives me tons of customs forms to fill out so she moves me to the side and begins helping all the people behind me while I fill them out. I fill them out and she continues helping people behind me. Finally I say, "I'm done!" and she pays attention to me again.
After I slide my card and officially spend more on shipping than I did on Christmas, I leave the post office, 30 minutes after arriving, knowing that Jay is probably fuming at my lateness because he has to get to work.
He's not. In fact, when I open the door, he's doing laundry and putting a chicken in the crock pot for dinner tonight and greeting me with a smile.
So, regardless of how hungry I am, tired I feel, irritated I become or empty my pockets are, I have a pretty amazing man at home who eliminates all of that irritation with a smile and a hug.
It's going to be alright...
Monday, December 07, 2009
Healer
Jerad asked me to lead the song, 'Healer' on Sunday and I quickly said 'yes' without really thinking about it. When I looked up the lyrics to practice, I suddenly found myself wondering if I'd be able to utter such words:
"You heal all my disease"
I know that He can heal disease, but coming out of a recent circumstance where I diligently prayed for a person's healing, only to learn that they passed away made it difficult for me to sing this with confidence...and I don't like to sing a lie.
The rest of the song I believed with fervency: "You hold my every moment, you calm my raging seas, you walk with me through fire....I trust in you, I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need..."
But "You heal ALL my disease" was troubling to me.
I wrestled with it, wondering if I was going to have to call Jerad back and tell him that in good conscience, I couldn't sing something I wasn't sure I believed. Don't get me wrong, I believe He is good...I believe He is just...I just wasn't convinced in that moment that He heals all of our diseases.
A few weeks ago I attended church alone with Caden while Jay rested at home with a head cold. I felt strangely introverted, very unlike me...I didn't want to talk to anyone or make eye contact...I felt lonely and uncertain without Jay by my side. It was a weird feeling for me. Jay usually has to drag me out of a social setting because I stop and talk to every soul along my path, but not this particular day...I was intimidated about being without him in the crowd.
In the midst of the service, it hit me that this would be my cousin's reality should his wife pass away, leaving him alone to raise their six year old daughter. The band started singing "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" and I lost it. I sat in the dark sanctuary, faced the wall as to not attract attention and sobbed...because in that moment, I was him. I feel as though it was one of the first times in my life that I ever, truly interceded and prayed for someone. I feel like for a moment I was able to feel a tiny fraction of the discomfort and sadness and loneliness of losing a spouse and I wept and wept and wept for him...I prayed, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..." but it wasn't my rescue I needed Him to come to...it was Jonathan's.
Two weeks later, Shelly passed away.
It dawned on me in the midst of this lyrical, internal struggle that this life isn't all there is...that our souls were made for eternity and that death, in a way, is a healing. Pastor Brian later spoke on that very thing...about how when we say death is healing, it isn't a cop out or an excuse because God didn't do what we thought He should...it's truth. This is why Shelly didn't 'lose' her battle with cancer...she is victoriously healed right now.
I ended up singing the song and I believe it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had leading worship because I believed, wholeheartedly, after MUCH thought and consideration, every word that was coming out of my mouth and I was focused more on that than I was the tickle in my throat or the chilly temperatures in the sanctuary. It was a beautiful and raw moment between me and God and I am humbled that I was able to share it with a room full of people who needed to hear the message.
The fact that God uses me in spite of myself is always mind boggling for me. I just thought I'd share one way in which He did that this week.
"You heal all my disease"
I know that He can heal disease, but coming out of a recent circumstance where I diligently prayed for a person's healing, only to learn that they passed away made it difficult for me to sing this with confidence...and I don't like to sing a lie.
The rest of the song I believed with fervency: "You hold my every moment, you calm my raging seas, you walk with me through fire....I trust in you, I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need..."
But "You heal ALL my disease" was troubling to me.
I wrestled with it, wondering if I was going to have to call Jerad back and tell him that in good conscience, I couldn't sing something I wasn't sure I believed. Don't get me wrong, I believe He is good...I believe He is just...I just wasn't convinced in that moment that He heals all of our diseases.
A few weeks ago I attended church alone with Caden while Jay rested at home with a head cold. I felt strangely introverted, very unlike me...I didn't want to talk to anyone or make eye contact...I felt lonely and uncertain without Jay by my side. It was a weird feeling for me. Jay usually has to drag me out of a social setting because I stop and talk to every soul along my path, but not this particular day...I was intimidated about being without him in the crowd.
In the midst of the service, it hit me that this would be my cousin's reality should his wife pass away, leaving him alone to raise their six year old daughter. The band started singing "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" and I lost it. I sat in the dark sanctuary, faced the wall as to not attract attention and sobbed...because in that moment, I was him. I feel as though it was one of the first times in my life that I ever, truly interceded and prayed for someone. I feel like for a moment I was able to feel a tiny fraction of the discomfort and sadness and loneliness of losing a spouse and I wept and wept and wept for him...I prayed, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..." but it wasn't my rescue I needed Him to come to...it was Jonathan's.
Two weeks later, Shelly passed away.
It dawned on me in the midst of this lyrical, internal struggle that this life isn't all there is...that our souls were made for eternity and that death, in a way, is a healing. Pastor Brian later spoke on that very thing...about how when we say death is healing, it isn't a cop out or an excuse because God didn't do what we thought He should...it's truth. This is why Shelly didn't 'lose' her battle with cancer...she is victoriously healed right now.
I ended up singing the song and I believe it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had leading worship because I believed, wholeheartedly, after MUCH thought and consideration, every word that was coming out of my mouth and I was focused more on that than I was the tickle in my throat or the chilly temperatures in the sanctuary. It was a beautiful and raw moment between me and God and I am humbled that I was able to share it with a room full of people who needed to hear the message.
The fact that God uses me in spite of myself is always mind boggling for me. I just thought I'd share one way in which He did that this week.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
I will not....
...tell myself something is impossible, too expensive or too difficult to attain
...define myself by what others perceive to be true about me
...lose sleep over things I cannot control or lies I've told myself
...teach my children to be passive
...place money or objects above God and family
...waste time being ungrateful when I am overwhelmingly blessed
...lie
...allow life's annoyances to rob me of my joy
...make everything about 'me'
...scratch the neighbour's car even though he purposefully parks it in my spot ALL the time
...orchestrate a giant Christmas list with Caden, teaching him that Christmas is all about stuff
...cease to give even when the budget isn't working out
...say everything that pops into my head
...degrade, disrespect or talk down to another human being just to make myself feel superior
...drink a chick fil a milkshake everyday
...allow tiny things to make me really upset
...get my feelings hurt easily
...desperately seek attention where ever I can get it
...take my job lightly
...forget Who defines me
...define myself by what others perceive to be true about me
...lose sleep over things I cannot control or lies I've told myself
...teach my children to be passive
...place money or objects above God and family
...waste time being ungrateful when I am overwhelmingly blessed
...lie
...allow life's annoyances to rob me of my joy
...make everything about 'me'
...scratch the neighbour's car even though he purposefully parks it in my spot ALL the time
...orchestrate a giant Christmas list with Caden, teaching him that Christmas is all about stuff
...cease to give even when the budget isn't working out
...say everything that pops into my head
...degrade, disrespect or talk down to another human being just to make myself feel superior
...drink a chick fil a milkshake everyday
...allow tiny things to make me really upset
...get my feelings hurt easily
...desperately seek attention where ever I can get it
...take my job lightly
...forget Who defines me
Friday, December 04, 2009
It's A...
BOY! We are all super excited about welcoming another little man into the world.
Caden is SUPER psyched about having a baby brother.
I guess I will be out numbered by boys in our house...and that's alright by me ;)
Caden is SUPER psyched about having a baby brother.
I guess I will be out numbered by boys in our house...and that's alright by me ;)
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
In Rememberance of A Wonderful Woman
I will not say that Shelly lost her fight with cancer because I don't believe that's the case. She fought with a fervor and strength that I didn't know any human being could possess. Cancer didn't win and it didn't beat her. It simply overwhelmed her physical body. She is now far from the pain that may have claimed her body but didn't sabotage her soul. Her energy, the smile and laughter and kindness that made up the woman that she was, lives on eternally. Take that, Cancer.
I believe that life doesn't necessarily justify living...Heaven justifies living...and I look forward to seeing Shelly there. Anyone who could have handled their final years, months and days with the grace, hope, love and dignity that she did, obviously had strength that only God Himself can provide. And while she was here, she brought Heavenly things to earth by rising above personal circumstances and selflessly pouring into those around her.
You are an inspiration and you will be missed, everyday.
Please pray for Shelly's husband (my cousin, Jonathan) and six year old daughter whose lives are better for having known her but forever changed for having lost her. Peace be with them.
I believe that life doesn't necessarily justify living...Heaven justifies living...and I look forward to seeing Shelly there. Anyone who could have handled their final years, months and days with the grace, hope, love and dignity that she did, obviously had strength that only God Himself can provide. And while she was here, she brought Heavenly things to earth by rising above personal circumstances and selflessly pouring into those around her.
You are an inspiration and you will be missed, everyday.
Please pray for Shelly's husband (my cousin, Jonathan) and six year old daughter whose lives are better for having known her but forever changed for having lost her. Peace be with them.
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