I engaged in an online conversation via facebook last week that has really consumed my thoughts and caused me to meditate, evaluate and consider a lot of different things about life, money, compassion and everything in between.
The discussion was based on a comment someone made about how the dignity of employment is the best cure for hunger.
As someone who believes that every able bodied man and woman should work and work hard, I immediately agreed that this was certainly one way to combat hunger but felt the need to point out that a lot of hard working citizens in America today do so tirelessly and aren't properly compensated for their labor. Staggering numbers are being laid off from jobs they've had for decades. Sometimes, a person can do everything they know how to do and it's just not enough. In these moment, I believe we are called (not just as Christians, but as humans) to be compassionate and give/share with our fellow man.
This started a barrage of comments about how government assistance cripples people, how handouts are ungodly and so on. Since life long handouts was not the kind of mercy I was referring to, I decided to use a personal example.
Now, I am the first to proclaim how BLESSED I am to the world and how proud I am of my husband for always ensuring that we go without nothing that we need but 2009 has certainly been a financial roller coaster for us and it has given me new eyes when it comes to those who find themselves down on their luck. I realize how quickly the rug can be snatched out from under neath us. I spoke of how we are in the process of losing a house, how Jay's salary has decreased due to the retail industry plummeting, how we downsized our lives and took on a roommate.
After sharing our situation, I received little empathy from any involved in the debate, but that's ok...that's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to share how a merciful hand up has helped us a time or two along this painful journey. Further into the conversation we were joined by a Pastor I've never met and he, after reading my story, addressed me this was:
"What a pile of liberal propaganda!...Maybe if you did what Dave Ramsey says and 'acted your wage' you wouldn't need a roommate...and it's still a democracy. If you don't like your job, get a new one or go back to college. Wah! Wah! Wah!"
I was shocked. I didn't expect empathy and didn't want pity but I certainly didn't expect mockery and words of hatred. I was blown away by his lack of love and kindness...I couldn't believe a representative of Christ, a teacher of His word, would speak to someone they know nothing about like that and openly mock them on a public site.
I was embarrassed, confused and unsure as to whether sharing my view was a good idea in the first place. At the end of a year marked by mistakes and unexpected blows, when we're working hard daily to right our wrongs and become better people, this comment was an emotional blow.
I've openly admitted on this blog that some of the things that have happened to us this year have been self inflicted, if not most of them. We bought a car 5 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Mitsubishi (almost done though, praise Jesus!)...we bought a house 3 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Bank of America...and although both purchases fit well within our income bracket and budget at the time, that income bracket changed dramatically when people stopped buying treadmills and ellipticals (Jay sold high end fitness equipment and was paid on commission). We made the mistake of thinking our future income would match our past income and we counted on money we had not yet earned. Then, over the course of 2 years, our household income was cut in half. These purchases were our mistake, our fault and we fully admit the error of our ways, often saying how much we'd like to 'punch past Jay and Kathy in the face' :)
Point being, we don't need someone to kick us while we're down. We're fully capable of doing that to ourselves and it's a daily struggle not to. We aren't proud of what we've done but we're proud of where we're going and the strides we're making to get there. Mockery is not encouraging.
This man's comment made me think a lot about who I am. I know I shouldn't have allowed his hateful words to echo in my mind but they have and to be honest, he has given me a gift he didn't intend to. I believe he intended to arrogantly put me in my place and teach me a cruel lesson. Instead, what he has done is given me some unintended affirmation.
My husband has been able to find and secure a great job in the middle of an employment crisis and he is really, really good at what he does. Over the last few months we've been making a plan and taking strides towards getting him back in school. He is driven, hardworking, generous and kind. With people being laid off by the thousands and job availability being slim to none these days, he has been able to make a successful move from one business to another and secure a lifestyle for us. I'm so grateful for him. Because we have worked diligently over the past 3 years to pay off our debt, our list of debtors has gone from 8 to 2, something we are incredibly proud of...no credit card debt, no personal loans...we've been very successful in reducing our debt snowball. With our household income declining, it's been hard to feel like we've made any progress at all but we have and I know times would be much harder now if we were still slaves to eight debtors.
Predicting a problem, we started trying to sell out home in June 2008 and it's still on the market to this day. I hope it sells but I am not expecting deliverance. I'll graciously and humbly accept it, but I'm not expecting it. We did this, we are now trying to fix it and we'll take what comes with it. If I need to experience bankruptcy to become the woman God has called me to be or to fully learn from this error, I accept those terms. I know my Father loves me.
We made the tough choice to downsize to an apartment and one vehicle. I'll never forget the look on Jay's face the day we sold his motorcycle...it was just a old Honda but it meant the world to him and he gave it up for the betterment of our situation. We've trimmed an already pretty skinny family budget, sold the things we don't use and took on a roommate who luckily is a close and trusted family friend. Through these choices we've been able to make steps towards a better future and it feels good.
My point of sharing our story in that conversation a few days ago was to promote compassion. Compassion has been a saving grace for us several times throughout this year and because we're making our situation better, we've been able to bestow practical compassion and aid on a lot of other people who have needed it. I believe in hard work and ownership but it's important that we recognize the moments when grace and mercy are necessary.
All this to say, at first this man's comments made me ashamed and embarrassed of myself but the more I thought about where we are now vs. where we use to be, the more satisfied and affirmed in my journey I became. I also have become, to a deeper level, more thankful for my life. Even though I've known financial stress, I've never gone hungry...I've never had to withhold basic needs from my child...we have everything we need and a bunch of things we want...God is good and is blessing our efforts. We are right on track.
This man's intended kick in the face became a pat on the back and in a weird way, I thank him for that.
His comment also taught me to never, ever harshly judge another living soul...to chose empathy before arrogance...to chose mercy and grace before common sense. Sometimes being merciful and gracious is bad for business and looks bad on paper. Sometimes, when you dissect love and make it a science you can come up with all kinds of reasons why it's better not to but I for one am going to make an effort to chose it, every time.
If I don't write another blog before the New Year (which I'm sure I will), that will be my resolution. To chose mercy, grace and love, every time.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Have an amazing Christmas everyone! Share what you have, hug your family and friends and love your neighbour as yourself. Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Christmas with Caden
This is the first year that Caden can really grasp the magic of Christmas. We've written our letter to Santa (yes, we do Santa...GASP!), watched Christmas movies, baked cookies, decorated the house, got a real tree and read the story of Baby Jesus over and over. Caden knows every Christmas carol from 'Joy to the World' to 'Happy Birthday Jesus' (refer to previous post :) He sat through a full-length film for the first time. It was 'Santa Buddies'...a cheesy, holiday film about golden retriever puppies, saving the north pole. Brought a tear to Jay's eye ;) Shhhhh, don't tell him I told you that.
Christmas with a little one is a refreshing reminder of how miraculous things are. When Caden kneels in front of the nativity set and stares at Baby Jesus, it teaches me to do the same. It's easy to let the financial stress and busy schedule get in the way of sitting, staring, thanking and soaking up the season.
He does often ask me if Jesus is a girl because in our particular nativity set, he has a purple blanket and according to Caden he also has, "Pink Lips." Coupled with the fact that adult Jesus is always depicted as a fair skinned, wimpy man with a dress and long hair, Caden is often confused as to his gender. He also believes that God is in his heart the same way that his baby brother is in my tummy...and that he will eventually have to go to the hospital to 'get Him out.'
I'm not too concerned about his theology at this point...there's plenty of time to work this stuff out :)
Christmas with Caden gives me the opportunity to explain over and over and over again, (in true 3 year old fashion) what Christmas is. I love it.
Next year, we have no idea where we'll be living or what we'll be doing but we do know that we'll have two little monsters vying for the Christmas tree ornaments, trying to sneak into Mama's closet to find the presents. Should be double the holiday magic. :)
Christmas with a little one is a refreshing reminder of how miraculous things are. When Caden kneels in front of the nativity set and stares at Baby Jesus, it teaches me to do the same. It's easy to let the financial stress and busy schedule get in the way of sitting, staring, thanking and soaking up the season.
He does often ask me if Jesus is a girl because in our particular nativity set, he has a purple blanket and according to Caden he also has, "Pink Lips." Coupled with the fact that adult Jesus is always depicted as a fair skinned, wimpy man with a dress and long hair, Caden is often confused as to his gender. He also believes that God is in his heart the same way that his baby brother is in my tummy...and that he will eventually have to go to the hospital to 'get Him out.'
I'm not too concerned about his theology at this point...there's plenty of time to work this stuff out :)
Christmas with Caden gives me the opportunity to explain over and over and over again, (in true 3 year old fashion) what Christmas is. I love it.
Next year, we have no idea where we'll be living or what we'll be doing but we do know that we'll have two little monsters vying for the Christmas tree ornaments, trying to sneak into Mama's closet to find the presents. Should be double the holiday magic. :)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Christmas Concert 2009
Today Caden took part in his first Christmas concert...and boy, did he take part! Our church has two services on Sunday mornings so he and his friends were given the opportunity to perform their musical number twice!
The first time (and this is one out of about 5 songs) he did great! He stood still, sang, did some actions and made Mama proud.
The second service he was evidently a bit bored so he decided to make it the Caden show. I wasn't prepared to video tape this service because he had done so well in the first...but when I saw these shenanigans start up I knew I had to capture it. The footage isn't very good but you can see enough to know he's being a ham...
Luckily, the church video taped both services professionally so hopefully I will be able to score a copy of each, distinct memory. Oh my...
Merry Christmas!
The first time (and this is one out of about 5 songs) he did great! He stood still, sang, did some actions and made Mama proud.
The second service he was evidently a bit bored so he decided to make it the Caden show. I wasn't prepared to video tape this service because he had done so well in the first...but when I saw these shenanigans start up I knew I had to capture it. The footage isn't very good but you can see enough to know he's being a ham...
Luckily, the church video taped both services professionally so hopefully I will be able to score a copy of each, distinct memory. Oh my...
Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Relationship Lesson #33094
I'm beginning to understand that some relationships are seasonal and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. I am coming to the conclusion that there are few people whom you remain compatible with for your entire life and that's ok. After all, we all change. We all need different things from different people at different points in our lives and sometimes the natural changes of time (however quickly they occur) just make us incompatible with people we use to be compatible with.
There are seasons when appreciation is reciprocated and I believe that is when friendship flourishes. When there is a mutual appreciation and respect...a desire to be with and around someone that reflects their desire to be with and around you. You have things in common, you can have trusted, confidential talks, you have concern for one another. It's a beautiful thing.
So many times i have found myself in these types of relationships only to see them change or vanish into thin air without warning. Did I do something wrong? Was I being used? Probably not. Although, when you sense someone is distancing themselves from you, it hurts like heck and it feels very personal.
After long, hard consideration and contemplation of this topic, I've come to the conclusion that seasons are natural, even in relationship and there's nothing to be paranoid or sad about. This of course doesn't apply to all relationships. As a wife, I have promised to love, respect, grow and change WITH my husband instead of apart from him. I praise God that this has been an almost effortless feat in my 6.5 year marriage thus far...perhaps it will become more difficult as time passes, but I am blessed to be married to a man who doesn't just change, but changes for the better on purpose and makes me better in the process. This type of relationship is one of the best that God has going in the earth.
My sons will never stop being my children, no matter what they do...this relationship is one in which I will have to be a martyr, tighten my lip, take a lot of abuse and shell out Christ-sized portions of love...I will love them as cute babies, annoying/funny toddlers, awkward kids, bratty teens and rebellious young adults...and hopefully, when they are men, I will be their parent AND their friend...until then, I am their Mom and nothing, not time, distance or circumstance, will change that. They can't get rid of me, even if they want to :)
In my particular situation, my parents will always be there for me and I praise God for that because I know it's unique. Some parents are more immature than their children...that is not my situation. I hope I can be half of who they are and I know my children will be better for it if I am. Their commitment to me, my husband and my children will last as long as they have breath in their bodies....which I hope is a long, long time.
But friendship is a different story...and I praise God for that hand full of people who love me at every point of my life and make a choice to stay committed to me when I'm on and off...who love me for me...not for what I can do for them, not for what I bring to the table, not by default because of my kids or my husband...but just for me...and that type of friendship is selfless and unchanging...and rare...super rare.
I have had these conversations with a few people lately and they have affirmed the fact that I am not crazy...another reason why it's important to have good friends :) and instead of dwelling on the people who have walked out of my life without explanation or whose lives I have had to walk out of for self-preservation, I am going to focus on the people who God has given to me as trusted, life-long friends.
You are rare, beautiful, amazing and dear to me...and hopefully you know who you are ;)
There are seasons when appreciation is reciprocated and I believe that is when friendship flourishes. When there is a mutual appreciation and respect...a desire to be with and around someone that reflects their desire to be with and around you. You have things in common, you can have trusted, confidential talks, you have concern for one another. It's a beautiful thing.
So many times i have found myself in these types of relationships only to see them change or vanish into thin air without warning. Did I do something wrong? Was I being used? Probably not. Although, when you sense someone is distancing themselves from you, it hurts like heck and it feels very personal.
After long, hard consideration and contemplation of this topic, I've come to the conclusion that seasons are natural, even in relationship and there's nothing to be paranoid or sad about. This of course doesn't apply to all relationships. As a wife, I have promised to love, respect, grow and change WITH my husband instead of apart from him. I praise God that this has been an almost effortless feat in my 6.5 year marriage thus far...perhaps it will become more difficult as time passes, but I am blessed to be married to a man who doesn't just change, but changes for the better on purpose and makes me better in the process. This type of relationship is one of the best that God has going in the earth.
My sons will never stop being my children, no matter what they do...this relationship is one in which I will have to be a martyr, tighten my lip, take a lot of abuse and shell out Christ-sized portions of love...I will love them as cute babies, annoying/funny toddlers, awkward kids, bratty teens and rebellious young adults...and hopefully, when they are men, I will be their parent AND their friend...until then, I am their Mom and nothing, not time, distance or circumstance, will change that. They can't get rid of me, even if they want to :)
In my particular situation, my parents will always be there for me and I praise God for that because I know it's unique. Some parents are more immature than their children...that is not my situation. I hope I can be half of who they are and I know my children will be better for it if I am. Their commitment to me, my husband and my children will last as long as they have breath in their bodies....which I hope is a long, long time.
But friendship is a different story...and I praise God for that hand full of people who love me at every point of my life and make a choice to stay committed to me when I'm on and off...who love me for me...not for what I can do for them, not for what I bring to the table, not by default because of my kids or my husband...but just for me...and that type of friendship is selfless and unchanging...and rare...super rare.
I have had these conversations with a few people lately and they have affirmed the fact that I am not crazy...another reason why it's important to have good friends :) and instead of dwelling on the people who have walked out of my life without explanation or whose lives I have had to walk out of for self-preservation, I am going to focus on the people who God has given to me as trusted, life-long friends.
You are rare, beautiful, amazing and dear to me...and hopefully you know who you are ;)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Frustration Station
I'm allowed to be frustrated, right? I think we all are. Somethings are just irritating. Add to the mix lack of sleep, aching back, money stress, non-stop toddler and 80,000 pounds of Christmas cards and paperwork I've been working on this week, and it's a recipe for disaster. I woke up a bit late this morning because I had a terrible night sleep and Jay got up with Caden so I could rest from 8-10 this morning...when I got up, it hit me. I NEED TO SEND OUT CANADIAN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS TODAY OR THEY WON'T MAKE IT IN TIME.
I threw on clothes, skipped breakfast (which is not smart for a pregnant lady) and assured Jay I'd be back in 10 minutes so he could get to work on time and of course, once I get to the post office, the line is LONG and slowly moving. I pick out festive envelopes and line up with my 70 Christmas cards, 4 packages and sad little debit card that is shuttering at the thought of being maxed out on shipping charges.
I do this every year.
I send out 70 Christmas cards and I receive maybe 25. Which leads me to believe, giving must feel better than receiving, otherwise I would have quit these shenanigans a decade ago and saved on postage. Every year I say I'm going to make a list of the people who sent me cards and only send cards to them next year but I never do. As much as I hate the cost of stamps...I love Christmas cards...can't lie.
I get to the counter and the woman gives me tons of customs forms to fill out so she moves me to the side and begins helping all the people behind me while I fill them out. I fill them out and she continues helping people behind me. Finally I say, "I'm done!" and she pays attention to me again.
After I slide my card and officially spend more on shipping than I did on Christmas, I leave the post office, 30 minutes after arriving, knowing that Jay is probably fuming at my lateness because he has to get to work.
He's not. In fact, when I open the door, he's doing laundry and putting a chicken in the crock pot for dinner tonight and greeting me with a smile.
So, regardless of how hungry I am, tired I feel, irritated I become or empty my pockets are, I have a pretty amazing man at home who eliminates all of that irritation with a smile and a hug.
It's going to be alright...
I threw on clothes, skipped breakfast (which is not smart for a pregnant lady) and assured Jay I'd be back in 10 minutes so he could get to work on time and of course, once I get to the post office, the line is LONG and slowly moving. I pick out festive envelopes and line up with my 70 Christmas cards, 4 packages and sad little debit card that is shuttering at the thought of being maxed out on shipping charges.
I do this every year.
I send out 70 Christmas cards and I receive maybe 25. Which leads me to believe, giving must feel better than receiving, otherwise I would have quit these shenanigans a decade ago and saved on postage. Every year I say I'm going to make a list of the people who sent me cards and only send cards to them next year but I never do. As much as I hate the cost of stamps...I love Christmas cards...can't lie.
I get to the counter and the woman gives me tons of customs forms to fill out so she moves me to the side and begins helping all the people behind me while I fill them out. I fill them out and she continues helping people behind me. Finally I say, "I'm done!" and she pays attention to me again.
After I slide my card and officially spend more on shipping than I did on Christmas, I leave the post office, 30 minutes after arriving, knowing that Jay is probably fuming at my lateness because he has to get to work.
He's not. In fact, when I open the door, he's doing laundry and putting a chicken in the crock pot for dinner tonight and greeting me with a smile.
So, regardless of how hungry I am, tired I feel, irritated I become or empty my pockets are, I have a pretty amazing man at home who eliminates all of that irritation with a smile and a hug.
It's going to be alright...
Monday, December 07, 2009
Healer
Jerad asked me to lead the song, 'Healer' on Sunday and I quickly said 'yes' without really thinking about it. When I looked up the lyrics to practice, I suddenly found myself wondering if I'd be able to utter such words:
"You heal all my disease"
I know that He can heal disease, but coming out of a recent circumstance where I diligently prayed for a person's healing, only to learn that they passed away made it difficult for me to sing this with confidence...and I don't like to sing a lie.
The rest of the song I believed with fervency: "You hold my every moment, you calm my raging seas, you walk with me through fire....I trust in you, I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need..."
But "You heal ALL my disease" was troubling to me.
I wrestled with it, wondering if I was going to have to call Jerad back and tell him that in good conscience, I couldn't sing something I wasn't sure I believed. Don't get me wrong, I believe He is good...I believe He is just...I just wasn't convinced in that moment that He heals all of our diseases.
A few weeks ago I attended church alone with Caden while Jay rested at home with a head cold. I felt strangely introverted, very unlike me...I didn't want to talk to anyone or make eye contact...I felt lonely and uncertain without Jay by my side. It was a weird feeling for me. Jay usually has to drag me out of a social setting because I stop and talk to every soul along my path, but not this particular day...I was intimidated about being without him in the crowd.
In the midst of the service, it hit me that this would be my cousin's reality should his wife pass away, leaving him alone to raise their six year old daughter. The band started singing "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" and I lost it. I sat in the dark sanctuary, faced the wall as to not attract attention and sobbed...because in that moment, I was him. I feel as though it was one of the first times in my life that I ever, truly interceded and prayed for someone. I feel like for a moment I was able to feel a tiny fraction of the discomfort and sadness and loneliness of losing a spouse and I wept and wept and wept for him...I prayed, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..." but it wasn't my rescue I needed Him to come to...it was Jonathan's.
Two weeks later, Shelly passed away.
It dawned on me in the midst of this lyrical, internal struggle that this life isn't all there is...that our souls were made for eternity and that death, in a way, is a healing. Pastor Brian later spoke on that very thing...about how when we say death is healing, it isn't a cop out or an excuse because God didn't do what we thought He should...it's truth. This is why Shelly didn't 'lose' her battle with cancer...she is victoriously healed right now.
I ended up singing the song and I believe it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had leading worship because I believed, wholeheartedly, after MUCH thought and consideration, every word that was coming out of my mouth and I was focused more on that than I was the tickle in my throat or the chilly temperatures in the sanctuary. It was a beautiful and raw moment between me and God and I am humbled that I was able to share it with a room full of people who needed to hear the message.
The fact that God uses me in spite of myself is always mind boggling for me. I just thought I'd share one way in which He did that this week.
"You heal all my disease"
I know that He can heal disease, but coming out of a recent circumstance where I diligently prayed for a person's healing, only to learn that they passed away made it difficult for me to sing this with confidence...and I don't like to sing a lie.
The rest of the song I believed with fervency: "You hold my every moment, you calm my raging seas, you walk with me through fire....I trust in you, I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need..."
But "You heal ALL my disease" was troubling to me.
I wrestled with it, wondering if I was going to have to call Jerad back and tell him that in good conscience, I couldn't sing something I wasn't sure I believed. Don't get me wrong, I believe He is good...I believe He is just...I just wasn't convinced in that moment that He heals all of our diseases.
A few weeks ago I attended church alone with Caden while Jay rested at home with a head cold. I felt strangely introverted, very unlike me...I didn't want to talk to anyone or make eye contact...I felt lonely and uncertain without Jay by my side. It was a weird feeling for me. Jay usually has to drag me out of a social setting because I stop and talk to every soul along my path, but not this particular day...I was intimidated about being without him in the crowd.
In the midst of the service, it hit me that this would be my cousin's reality should his wife pass away, leaving him alone to raise their six year old daughter. The band started singing "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" and I lost it. I sat in the dark sanctuary, faced the wall as to not attract attention and sobbed...because in that moment, I was him. I feel as though it was one of the first times in my life that I ever, truly interceded and prayed for someone. I feel like for a moment I was able to feel a tiny fraction of the discomfort and sadness and loneliness of losing a spouse and I wept and wept and wept for him...I prayed, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..." but it wasn't my rescue I needed Him to come to...it was Jonathan's.
Two weeks later, Shelly passed away.
It dawned on me in the midst of this lyrical, internal struggle that this life isn't all there is...that our souls were made for eternity and that death, in a way, is a healing. Pastor Brian later spoke on that very thing...about how when we say death is healing, it isn't a cop out or an excuse because God didn't do what we thought He should...it's truth. This is why Shelly didn't 'lose' her battle with cancer...she is victoriously healed right now.
I ended up singing the song and I believe it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had leading worship because I believed, wholeheartedly, after MUCH thought and consideration, every word that was coming out of my mouth and I was focused more on that than I was the tickle in my throat or the chilly temperatures in the sanctuary. It was a beautiful and raw moment between me and God and I am humbled that I was able to share it with a room full of people who needed to hear the message.
The fact that God uses me in spite of myself is always mind boggling for me. I just thought I'd share one way in which He did that this week.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
I will not....
...tell myself something is impossible, too expensive or too difficult to attain
...define myself by what others perceive to be true about me
...lose sleep over things I cannot control or lies I've told myself
...teach my children to be passive
...place money or objects above God and family
...waste time being ungrateful when I am overwhelmingly blessed
...lie
...allow life's annoyances to rob me of my joy
...make everything about 'me'
...scratch the neighbour's car even though he purposefully parks it in my spot ALL the time
...orchestrate a giant Christmas list with Caden, teaching him that Christmas is all about stuff
...cease to give even when the budget isn't working out
...say everything that pops into my head
...degrade, disrespect or talk down to another human being just to make myself feel superior
...drink a chick fil a milkshake everyday
...allow tiny things to make me really upset
...get my feelings hurt easily
...desperately seek attention where ever I can get it
...take my job lightly
...forget Who defines me
...define myself by what others perceive to be true about me
...lose sleep over things I cannot control or lies I've told myself
...teach my children to be passive
...place money or objects above God and family
...waste time being ungrateful when I am overwhelmingly blessed
...lie
...allow life's annoyances to rob me of my joy
...make everything about 'me'
...scratch the neighbour's car even though he purposefully parks it in my spot ALL the time
...orchestrate a giant Christmas list with Caden, teaching him that Christmas is all about stuff
...cease to give even when the budget isn't working out
...say everything that pops into my head
...degrade, disrespect or talk down to another human being just to make myself feel superior
...drink a chick fil a milkshake everyday
...allow tiny things to make me really upset
...get my feelings hurt easily
...desperately seek attention where ever I can get it
...take my job lightly
...forget Who defines me
Friday, December 04, 2009
It's A...
BOY! We are all super excited about welcoming another little man into the world.
Caden is SUPER psyched about having a baby brother.
I guess I will be out numbered by boys in our house...and that's alright by me ;)
Caden is SUPER psyched about having a baby brother.
I guess I will be out numbered by boys in our house...and that's alright by me ;)
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
In Rememberance of A Wonderful Woman
I will not say that Shelly lost her fight with cancer because I don't believe that's the case. She fought with a fervor and strength that I didn't know any human being could possess. Cancer didn't win and it didn't beat her. It simply overwhelmed her physical body. She is now far from the pain that may have claimed her body but didn't sabotage her soul. Her energy, the smile and laughter and kindness that made up the woman that she was, lives on eternally. Take that, Cancer.
I believe that life doesn't necessarily justify living...Heaven justifies living...and I look forward to seeing Shelly there. Anyone who could have handled their final years, months and days with the grace, hope, love and dignity that she did, obviously had strength that only God Himself can provide. And while she was here, she brought Heavenly things to earth by rising above personal circumstances and selflessly pouring into those around her.
You are an inspiration and you will be missed, everyday.
Please pray for Shelly's husband (my cousin, Jonathan) and six year old daughter whose lives are better for having known her but forever changed for having lost her. Peace be with them.
I believe that life doesn't necessarily justify living...Heaven justifies living...and I look forward to seeing Shelly there. Anyone who could have handled their final years, months and days with the grace, hope, love and dignity that she did, obviously had strength that only God Himself can provide. And while she was here, she brought Heavenly things to earth by rising above personal circumstances and selflessly pouring into those around her.
You are an inspiration and you will be missed, everyday.
Please pray for Shelly's husband (my cousin, Jonathan) and six year old daughter whose lives are better for having known her but forever changed for having lost her. Peace be with them.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
This year, Jay and I will be cooking and hosting our own Thanksgiving feast. For the past several years we have gone to other people's homes/churches to take part in their festivities but this year we will be conjuring up the holiday goodies all by ourselves. I bought everything I need tonight...but I forgot the turkey :) No worries, I went back out and seized the perfect bird. Pregnancy brain is ridiculous these days.
Our good friends from Newfoundland (who live in Charlotte, NC) will be joining us for several days of awesomeness. We're super excited about it. Even if we mess up the turkey and end up eating Chinese on Thursday, we'll give thanks with loved ones and have a blessed holiday. You be sure to do the same!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Our good friends from Newfoundland (who live in Charlotte, NC) will be joining us for several days of awesomeness. We're super excited about it. Even if we mess up the turkey and end up eating Chinese on Thursday, we'll give thanks with loved ones and have a blessed holiday. You be sure to do the same!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Untitled
I've started and deleted about 5 different blog posts today...I can't seem to articulate what it is I want to say, even though I feel the itch to write.
A lot has been happening lately. Being alone for an entire week gave Jay and I some much needed time to talk, dream, pray and figure out what it is that we want and what we believe God wants for us.
Here's what I'm learning in recent months/weeks/days/hours/minutes:
- God is bigger than my understanding and there are some things I will never know about Him...and that's OK. To act or walk about as if I have Him all figured out is to arrogantly miss out on the beauty of Him. A god that can be dissected and figured out is no god at all.
- I believe that there are moments when God calls us to do specific things and moments when He has equipped us to make choices on our own. Love your neighbour? Specific call from God. Move to another state? May or may not be a specific call. It may not matter as long as you plan on being His hands and feet once you get there.
- I trust Him and that is a choice. There have been a lot of things happening in my life this week that have required me to CHOSE to stop being afraid, nervous and cynical and to trust that He is good regardless. Some days I make that choice once and it sticks...other days I make that choice 100 times...but I will keep choosing it.
- I married a miracle. Seriously. My husband is living proof that God can infiltrate a human heart and radically change a man. I am so grateful that my children have him as a father. They will be better people for it. I can honestly say that I would follow that man anywhere and everywhere he leads me because I believe he is a Godly man. I trust God therefore I trust his son, Jay. It's a great chain reaction.
- Things are not as black and white as we have made them...I believe that we (you and I) can't determine who will be in Heaven based on whether or not they fit in the Christian mold that the Western church has created for the typical 'Christian' to look like. I believe that we spend too much time focusing and arguing about theology. A good friend of mine has recently challenged me to simply love God and love people and not to worry about all the other stuff. I think my friend might be onto something...
- I believe that God is good regardless of the fact that my cousin may die this week...I hate what her family is going through and that her 6 year old daughter will grow up without a mother...there is no beauty in this situation and it's hard to fathom any good coming from it...but perhaps because of this, that 6 year old will grow up with a passionate desire to find a cure for cancer or work with cancer patients and she will change the lives of hundreds, maybe thousands of people...I don't know...all I know is that God's heart is breaking right along with her husband's, parent's and loved one's.
- My trials are small in comparison to others. I grew up with a boy who is now in jail. He's a good man and I can't begin to understand how he must feel right now. All I know is that I would lose a house any day of the week over losing my marriage, my freedom, my children, my health....stuff is stuff...if you can put a price tag on it, it's not worth stressing about.
A lot has been happening lately. Being alone for an entire week gave Jay and I some much needed time to talk, dream, pray and figure out what it is that we want and what we believe God wants for us.
Here's what I'm learning in recent months/weeks/days/hours/minutes:
- God is bigger than my understanding and there are some things I will never know about Him...and that's OK. To act or walk about as if I have Him all figured out is to arrogantly miss out on the beauty of Him. A god that can be dissected and figured out is no god at all.
- I believe that there are moments when God calls us to do specific things and moments when He has equipped us to make choices on our own. Love your neighbour? Specific call from God. Move to another state? May or may not be a specific call. It may not matter as long as you plan on being His hands and feet once you get there.
- I trust Him and that is a choice. There have been a lot of things happening in my life this week that have required me to CHOSE to stop being afraid, nervous and cynical and to trust that He is good regardless. Some days I make that choice once and it sticks...other days I make that choice 100 times...but I will keep choosing it.
- I married a miracle. Seriously. My husband is living proof that God can infiltrate a human heart and radically change a man. I am so grateful that my children have him as a father. They will be better people for it. I can honestly say that I would follow that man anywhere and everywhere he leads me because I believe he is a Godly man. I trust God therefore I trust his son, Jay. It's a great chain reaction.
- Things are not as black and white as we have made them...I believe that we (you and I) can't determine who will be in Heaven based on whether or not they fit in the Christian mold that the Western church has created for the typical 'Christian' to look like. I believe that we spend too much time focusing and arguing about theology. A good friend of mine has recently challenged me to simply love God and love people and not to worry about all the other stuff. I think my friend might be onto something...
- I believe that God is good regardless of the fact that my cousin may die this week...I hate what her family is going through and that her 6 year old daughter will grow up without a mother...there is no beauty in this situation and it's hard to fathom any good coming from it...but perhaps because of this, that 6 year old will grow up with a passionate desire to find a cure for cancer or work with cancer patients and she will change the lives of hundreds, maybe thousands of people...I don't know...all I know is that God's heart is breaking right along with her husband's, parent's and loved one's.
- My trials are small in comparison to others. I grew up with a boy who is now in jail. He's a good man and I can't begin to understand how he must feel right now. All I know is that I would lose a house any day of the week over losing my marriage, my freedom, my children, my health....stuff is stuff...if you can put a price tag on it, it's not worth stressing about.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The Perfect Vacation
Jay and I just got back from the most amazing vacation ever. It's the first time since 2004 that we've vacationed alone...generally, we spend our vacation time to visit friends and family and although those trips are more than enjoyable, they are always exhausting.
This vacation was different. We left last Sunday and returned today, spending an entire week alone with one another, relaxing, sight seeing, star gazing and wave watching as we cruised along the southern Atlantic into the Bahamas.
Our room was lovely, the service was fantastic, the food was plentiful, the weather was lovely, there was plenty to do, I won a facial our very first day on board, Jay won two paintings from the art gallery by guessing the price of an expensive piece of artwork and coming closer than anyone on board the ship. I participated in an on board talent show and received a trophy shaped like a cruise ship and a bottle of french champagne...we soaked up some sun (but not too much...I remain quite pale from fear of burning and being uncomfortable), we took in the most gorgeous scenery...everything was perfect in every way...
But the greatest part of this experience was not the things we won, the places we visited, the people we met or even the luxurious scenery. It was getting to spend a full, uninterrupted week with my favourite human...and I appreciate/love/respect him more now than I ever have before.
Thanks to everyone who helped make this excursion possible. It was the most perfect week imaginable.
We are now planning a European Cruise for summer, 2014! :)
Saturday, November 07, 2009
The Power of Example
I believe that Jay and I have an exceptional marriage. We have been married for a little over 6 years and although we have changed slightly as individuals, we have grown closer as a couple. People change...the key is to make choices to change towards one another instead of apart.
I can honestly say that life with him gets better and better and better.
We aren't perfect. We pick at each other from time to time. We drop the ball with our attitudes when we're tired...after all, you tend to take your frustrations out on the people you love the most...but we have never purposefully hurt one another, we have never let the threat of divorce EVER come across either of our lips, we laugh daily, we not only love each other...we really, really like each other.
There is no one in this world I would rather spend time with than Jay. He fascinates me...he still gives me butterflies in my tummy. A few weeks ago I was singing in the worship team and I looked down and saw him in the congregation and I got all nervous and giddy, like I was seeing him for the first time. He is my favourite human.
Regardless of what challenges we face, we have two things that only grow stronger with time: Love and Respect.
I believe a big reason why my marriage is healthy and strong is because I got to watch my parents do marriage right. My mother was/is an exceptional wife....my father was/is an exceptional husband...they taught me what love and respect looks like. There was never a time when I covered my ears to shield the sound of my parents fighting...there was never a moment where I questioned whether or not they'd stay together....I never had to wonder whether or not they were happy together...they were ONE... I never viewed them as single units. They were so completely united on everything which at the time I thought was normal but now I realize takes work, compromise, mutual submission and a depth of respect. They never made petty digs at one another...my father never treated my mother like her position wasn't important because she stayed at home with her kids and my mother never made my father feel inferior when there wasn't enough money to pay the bills...they had their priorities straight... God came before everything...and they knew that each other worked really hard and did the best with what they had.
I say all of this because tomorrow my parents will be celebrating 41 years of marriage and I not only need to congratulate them for that...I need to thank them.
I wouldn't know how to do this life with Jay properly is it wasn't for your powerful and beautiful example of marriage...a true testament of how Christ must feel about His church.
The greatest gift that any parent can give their child is a healthy marriage and because you gave that gift to me, I can give it to my children...and a beautiful, powerful and holy cycle of God-centered marriage will continue and grow stronger from generation to generation because of your example.
I love you both very much. Happy Anniversary.
I can honestly say that life with him gets better and better and better.
We aren't perfect. We pick at each other from time to time. We drop the ball with our attitudes when we're tired...after all, you tend to take your frustrations out on the people you love the most...but we have never purposefully hurt one another, we have never let the threat of divorce EVER come across either of our lips, we laugh daily, we not only love each other...we really, really like each other.
There is no one in this world I would rather spend time with than Jay. He fascinates me...he still gives me butterflies in my tummy. A few weeks ago I was singing in the worship team and I looked down and saw him in the congregation and I got all nervous and giddy, like I was seeing him for the first time. He is my favourite human.
Regardless of what challenges we face, we have two things that only grow stronger with time: Love and Respect.
I believe a big reason why my marriage is healthy and strong is because I got to watch my parents do marriage right. My mother was/is an exceptional wife....my father was/is an exceptional husband...they taught me what love and respect looks like. There was never a time when I covered my ears to shield the sound of my parents fighting...there was never a moment where I questioned whether or not they'd stay together....I never had to wonder whether or not they were happy together...they were ONE... I never viewed them as single units. They were so completely united on everything which at the time I thought was normal but now I realize takes work, compromise, mutual submission and a depth of respect. They never made petty digs at one another...my father never treated my mother like her position wasn't important because she stayed at home with her kids and my mother never made my father feel inferior when there wasn't enough money to pay the bills...they had their priorities straight... God came before everything...and they knew that each other worked really hard and did the best with what they had.
I say all of this because tomorrow my parents will be celebrating 41 years of marriage and I not only need to congratulate them for that...I need to thank them.
I wouldn't know how to do this life with Jay properly is it wasn't for your powerful and beautiful example of marriage...a true testament of how Christ must feel about His church.
The greatest gift that any parent can give their child is a healthy marriage and because you gave that gift to me, I can give it to my children...and a beautiful, powerful and holy cycle of God-centered marriage will continue and grow stronger from generation to generation because of your example.
I love you both very much. Happy Anniversary.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Long Overdue
In 5 days, Jay and I will be going on vacation. We won't be visiting anyone. We won't have any obligations. We won't have a child to tend to (this part makes me a little nervous and sad, but I know it's important to take a break from the little guy). It'll just be us and the open seas...and I can't wait.
We've never done anything like this. When we got married, the ceremony was on a Friday night and we were back to work on Monday morning. The last time Jay and I went on a vacation together, that didn't include travelling to one of our home towns, was when we spent 4 days in Wilmington, NC in March, 2004.
Jay said last night, "I don't have many regrets about our marriage but not taking enough breaks together is definitely something I regret."
But thanks to a generous and early Christmas gift from my parents, we'll be going on a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas. We leave Sunday for Jacksonville, board the ship on Monday and sail the seas until Saturday morning. Every day we get more and more excited...I have not gone to any public places this week without hand santizer...yesterday, I applied purel to mine and Caden's hands about 13 times each...I refuse to get sick before this trip!
I am aware that Caden will be a tad bit angry when we return. Anytime I've ever left him, he makes me pay for it when I come back...but I've learned that's how he shows me how much he missed me...by torturing me for leaving him :)
But it's so important for Jay and I to take this time, just for us. These days, we don't get a lot of time alone and those quiet moments together are only going to become fewer and farther between once a new baby is thrown into the picture so although this vacation is long overdue, it's also right on time.
I have to give a special thanks to:
My parents for making this possible...I am truly blessed to have you as my parents....and not just because of the tangible things you do for me...the intangible is priceless.
Jay's parents, for fronting us some Christmas love early so we can have a stress-free time.
Amber, for holding down the fort (taking care of Caden, cleaning, cooking, animal maintaining) while we're gone. Knowing Caden is with you makes it less stressful to leave him. He is really looking forward to his special 'Ms. Ambo' time.
Dana, for taking care of Caden for a few days while we're gone. When I asked you to help, you didn't even hesitate.
Sonnie from Little Lambs, who is letting Caden go to school for a day while we're gone.
The dude who bought Jacksonville Jaguars tickets from us...Jay won tickets to a game and sold them on craigslist for lots o' cash. HUGE blessing...we'll be going on a stress-free vacation.
Last but certainly not least, God - for giving me the most amazing husband a woman could ever ask for.
Bring on vacation!!!
We've never done anything like this. When we got married, the ceremony was on a Friday night and we were back to work on Monday morning. The last time Jay and I went on a vacation together, that didn't include travelling to one of our home towns, was when we spent 4 days in Wilmington, NC in March, 2004.
Jay said last night, "I don't have many regrets about our marriage but not taking enough breaks together is definitely something I regret."
But thanks to a generous and early Christmas gift from my parents, we'll be going on a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas. We leave Sunday for Jacksonville, board the ship on Monday and sail the seas until Saturday morning. Every day we get more and more excited...I have not gone to any public places this week without hand santizer...yesterday, I applied purel to mine and Caden's hands about 13 times each...I refuse to get sick before this trip!
I am aware that Caden will be a tad bit angry when we return. Anytime I've ever left him, he makes me pay for it when I come back...but I've learned that's how he shows me how much he missed me...by torturing me for leaving him :)
But it's so important for Jay and I to take this time, just for us. These days, we don't get a lot of time alone and those quiet moments together are only going to become fewer and farther between once a new baby is thrown into the picture so although this vacation is long overdue, it's also right on time.
I have to give a special thanks to:
My parents for making this possible...I am truly blessed to have you as my parents....and not just because of the tangible things you do for me...the intangible is priceless.
Jay's parents, for fronting us some Christmas love early so we can have a stress-free time.
Amber, for holding down the fort (taking care of Caden, cleaning, cooking, animal maintaining) while we're gone. Knowing Caden is with you makes it less stressful to leave him. He is really looking forward to his special 'Ms. Ambo' time.
Dana, for taking care of Caden for a few days while we're gone. When I asked you to help, you didn't even hesitate.
Sonnie from Little Lambs, who is letting Caden go to school for a day while we're gone.
The dude who bought Jacksonville Jaguars tickets from us...Jay won tickets to a game and sold them on craigslist for lots o' cash. HUGE blessing...we'll be going on a stress-free vacation.
Last but certainly not least, God - for giving me the most amazing husband a woman could ever ask for.
Bring on vacation!!!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Prayer Needed:
We've gone through a lot this year...we've lost jobs, had our household income sliced in half, are on the brink of destroying our credit with a home-purchase gone wrong...
I will be the first to say, "Thank you God that these are my greatest struggles."
A few years ago, my cousin was travelling alone to visit family on the other side of Canada and had a seizure during a stop over in the Toronto Airport. She woke up in an Ontario hospital to be told she had an inoperable brain tumour. I'm sure she and her husband remember that date vividly. For them, it was the day the earth stood still.
Since then she has endured radiation, chemotherapy...countless procedures in an attempt to shrink, stunt or slow the growth of the tumour...at first it was slow moving but it has since picked up speed.
A few months ago the doctors suspected she could live for another few years. They have recently downgraded that to a month...maybe two.
Although I know to my core God is good, that He freely gives and rightfully takes away, that His will is perfect, I don't know how to justify any type of good in this...it's one thing to lose a house...it's another to lose a wife and a mother...it's heart wrenching to think about. Imagine how devastating it is to experience.
We have all marvelled at her strength and character during this entire battle. She's a wonderful woman. She's fun and sweet and down to earth...she's one of those people who is 100% genuine. What you see is what you get. She tells it like it is...and everyone loves her for it. She's beautiful inside and out...she's kind...she's a great mom...she's a great person...
I live 3000 miles away so I can't physically help her out, babysit for her, cook her meals, clean her place or just hang out with her...but what I can do is solicit prayer on her behalf which is my purpose in writing this.
I don't say the following to instill false hope...and I'm certainly not claiming that God has told me she will be healed....I think that kind of talk is dangerous and damaging when spewed recklessly...but I believe in miracles...in God's ability to shrink tumours, heal bodies, restore people...I've seen it happen. We're always so afraid to pursue God about matters such as healing or miracles for fear of Him not doing it...we've all prayed for someone or something at one point or another that didn't end the way we wanted it to. But here's the thing: God is good. He is good when things are great and he's good when all we see is Hell on earth. He is bigger than our comprehension and greater than our circumstance...and I can't sit back and do nothing, wondering what could have happened if the people of God had come together to petition His throne for radical healing of this woman.
So let's do it. I've withheld her name for her privacy...she doesn't know I'm writing this so I wanted to be respectful, but God knows her. He's her Father. He knows her better than she knows herself and He LOVES her...this is true regardless of the outcome. When you pray for her, you may know little to nothing about her...but God knows the beginning, end and middle of this courageous woman's story.
SO pray. Pray fervently and passionately. Pray for the first time if you've never prayed before...because this is the perfect scenario for a miracle to take place.
Now, recognize how blessed you are and go hug your family.
I will be the first to say, "Thank you God that these are my greatest struggles."
A few years ago, my cousin was travelling alone to visit family on the other side of Canada and had a seizure during a stop over in the Toronto Airport. She woke up in an Ontario hospital to be told she had an inoperable brain tumour. I'm sure she and her husband remember that date vividly. For them, it was the day the earth stood still.
Since then she has endured radiation, chemotherapy...countless procedures in an attempt to shrink, stunt or slow the growth of the tumour...at first it was slow moving but it has since picked up speed.
A few months ago the doctors suspected she could live for another few years. They have recently downgraded that to a month...maybe two.
Although I know to my core God is good, that He freely gives and rightfully takes away, that His will is perfect, I don't know how to justify any type of good in this...it's one thing to lose a house...it's another to lose a wife and a mother...it's heart wrenching to think about. Imagine how devastating it is to experience.
We have all marvelled at her strength and character during this entire battle. She's a wonderful woman. She's fun and sweet and down to earth...she's one of those people who is 100% genuine. What you see is what you get. She tells it like it is...and everyone loves her for it. She's beautiful inside and out...she's kind...she's a great mom...she's a great person...
I live 3000 miles away so I can't physically help her out, babysit for her, cook her meals, clean her place or just hang out with her...but what I can do is solicit prayer on her behalf which is my purpose in writing this.
I don't say the following to instill false hope...and I'm certainly not claiming that God has told me she will be healed....I think that kind of talk is dangerous and damaging when spewed recklessly...but I believe in miracles...in God's ability to shrink tumours, heal bodies, restore people...I've seen it happen. We're always so afraid to pursue God about matters such as healing or miracles for fear of Him not doing it...we've all prayed for someone or something at one point or another that didn't end the way we wanted it to. But here's the thing: God is good. He is good when things are great and he's good when all we see is Hell on earth. He is bigger than our comprehension and greater than our circumstance...and I can't sit back and do nothing, wondering what could have happened if the people of God had come together to petition His throne for radical healing of this woman.
So let's do it. I've withheld her name for her privacy...she doesn't know I'm writing this so I wanted to be respectful, but God knows her. He's her Father. He knows her better than she knows herself and He LOVES her...this is true regardless of the outcome. When you pray for her, you may know little to nothing about her...but God knows the beginning, end and middle of this courageous woman's story.
SO pray. Pray fervently and passionately. Pray for the first time if you've never prayed before...because this is the perfect scenario for a miracle to take place.
Now, recognize how blessed you are and go hug your family.
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