I'm very homesick right now...maybe it's because I realize how difficult it will be to travel home with two children...maybe it's because I know my annual trip next summer probably won't happen...maybe it's because I really miss cold weather...maybe it's because a part of me has never really left Newfoundland...
It's such a wonderful place. I wish everyone could have the chance to see it, breathe it in and experience it's wonder for themselves...I sometimes feel weird saying that I'm from Canada...Newfoundland is so different than the rest of the country.
I miss my parents. They are incredible grandparents...it feels wrong to have their grandbabies so far from them. I miss my friends there. I miss being able to speak in my dialect and not have people tell me I'm mumbling too quickly for them to understand me. I miss St. John's. I love that city. Such a unique blend of history and art, Irish/English/Newfoundland cultures converging, awesome music and downhome living. I miss scampers. I miss St. John's harbour, even when it smells. I miss hot tea being the norm after supper.
I miss the NTV evening news with Lynn Burry and Fred Hutton. I miss having the top story be, 'A moose was found wandering through a local cemetery in Mount Pearl this evening.'
I miss a simpler way of life...I miss it a lot today.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
It has begun...
I was hoping I would dodge the morning sickness (better referred to as the whenever-it-feels-like-flaring-up sickness) this time around but alas, I was sadly mistaken. Nauseousness has made it's way into my tummy, unpredictable and unforgiving. I am remembering in full detail what this was like the first time I went through it...brutally ill from week 7-12...vomiting daily...still having to function even though it feels like having the stomach flu for 1.5 months. Mother's truly are an amazing breed of person, if I do say so myself.
I am also remembering how viciously hungry a pregnant body becomes, completely out of the blue. I went to worship team practice this morning, forgetting to bring a snack/drink and had it not been for the crackers Tindl had in her purse, I think my body would have eaten itself. Thanks Tindl.
A weird combination of extreme hunger and extreme nausea with a heaping dose of exhaustion = the first trimester. I don't like to rush things, but I am excited for week 12 to come and go.
I am also remembering how viciously hungry a pregnant body becomes, completely out of the blue. I went to worship team practice this morning, forgetting to bring a snack/drink and had it not been for the crackers Tindl had in her purse, I think my body would have eaten itself. Thanks Tindl.
A weird combination of extreme hunger and extreme nausea with a heaping dose of exhaustion = the first trimester. I don't like to rush things, but I am excited for week 12 to come and go.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Story
If anyone has been around Jay and I long enough, they have probably heard that we were quite content with having an only child. Caden was a blessed surprise. On July 16, 2005, I found out I was pregnant. Although I was having symptoms, I didn't recognize them and it was a complete shock. I was one month shy of 22, had been married for just under two years and was absolutely terrified. I wasn't ready to be a mom and we had no way of predicting that Caden was everything we never knew we wanted.
Jay and I were both uneasy during my first pregnancy...we were anxious about having a baby and didn't really know what to expect. We panicked and moved from Tallahassee back to Charlotte, NC where Jay knew he'd be able to get his old job back to support me and the baby. I was in the process of getting a greencard so I couldn't work. We had a small group of close and amazing friends in Charlotte but things were from time to time quite lonely for me given that I couldn't work. When Caden finally came it was love at first sight. I took to babyhood much better than I thought I would. From time to time there were sleepless night and I was heckled a time or two by strangers in public for being a formula mom but all in all, baby days were precious and amazing.
Since having Caden, neither of us have expressed interest in having more kids. We love Caden and have been quite content with our little existence as a family of 3.
A little while ago, I started to experience some symptoms that I remembered from July, 2005. My mind started racing...I began to process what life would look like if there was another baby on the way. Could we afford it? Where would we live? It will be so hard to fly internationally with two children...Florida is SO far from Newfoundland...
As the days progressed, I told Jay what I was feeling. We both felt a bit anxious.
Monday morning we went to the gym and we were working out on side by side ellipticals. I just wasn't able to keep up...I felt so tired and worn out...I was sweating profusely after only 5 minutes and by the time 10 minutes were up, I just had to quit.
Jay asked, "Are you sick or are you SICK?" asking me if I thought I was just coming down with something or if this could be pregnancy related.
I said, "I don't know. All I know is I don't feel good."
Then Jay said something he has not said...ever. "I kind of hope you're pregnant."
Woah! What?! Where is this coming from.
He explained, "I think I can be a better husband than I was the first time you were pregnant and I think I can be a better father than I was when Caden was a baby...I'd love to have the opportunity to do it again."
Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am to be married to this man?
I told him that if I wasn't pregnant that maybe we should make a plan to have another baby and he agreed. It was the first time we had ever had a conversation about having more kids.
I went home, Caden took a nap and I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on with me. Was I or wasn't I. I had to know.
I took a test and it took longer to show results than it did back in July, 2005. Back then it worked in literally 3 seconds. This one took about 30 seconds and I figured it would say negative. I whispered a prayer about God knowing what's best and looked at it again. PREGNANT.
My heart started to beat out of my chest and suddenly I felt something I didn't think I'd feel in that moment: Excitement. I was excited! I was excited to tell Jay.
Caden woke up and we immediately went to the gym. I put Caden in the childcare room and paced in Jay's office while he finished up with a customer. It took six million years for him to finish but once he did, I gestured for him to come into his office, shut the door and looked at him with a goofy smile.
'What?' he said.
I just kept smiling. Suddenly he figured it out.
'Holy...' and with that he slapped his hand over his mouth. Bewildered, smiling, excited and shocked he exclaimed, "I gotta sell more memberships!"
We called all of our friends and family, got on facebook and publicly announced the news...many people who knew where we stood on having more kids preceded their celebration with, "Are you alright?" and when we said, 'Yes, we're excited' they immediately expressed their excitement too.
The age difference is perfect. The baby should be born mid-April (although Caden was two weeks early) and that puts them 4 years and one month apart. Caden is already so independent, he'll be an excellent helper. We haven't really told him because we want to make sure we get through the first trimester safe and sound before getting him pumped.
I went to A Women's Pregnancy Centre yesterday to get info on insurance and take another pregnancy test and I was a bit nervous...what if the first one was false? Should we have told everyone? But this time the lines were super clear. Two, bright, pink lines.
Thanks to everyone for the overwhelming support and congratulations. I love telling people and hearing how excited they are for us. It's such a blessing.
So here it goes...8 more months of growing a human...nauseousness may be just around the corner...weight gain is coming (of course, right when I'm only 7 pounds away from my goal weight!)...but we're so blessed to have this tiny miracle joining our already amazing family.
God protect us, keep us in the palm of your hand and prepare us for what's to come!
Jay and I were both uneasy during my first pregnancy...we were anxious about having a baby and didn't really know what to expect. We panicked and moved from Tallahassee back to Charlotte, NC where Jay knew he'd be able to get his old job back to support me and the baby. I was in the process of getting a greencard so I couldn't work. We had a small group of close and amazing friends in Charlotte but things were from time to time quite lonely for me given that I couldn't work. When Caden finally came it was love at first sight. I took to babyhood much better than I thought I would. From time to time there were sleepless night and I was heckled a time or two by strangers in public for being a formula mom but all in all, baby days were precious and amazing.
Since having Caden, neither of us have expressed interest in having more kids. We love Caden and have been quite content with our little existence as a family of 3.
A little while ago, I started to experience some symptoms that I remembered from July, 2005. My mind started racing...I began to process what life would look like if there was another baby on the way. Could we afford it? Where would we live? It will be so hard to fly internationally with two children...Florida is SO far from Newfoundland...
As the days progressed, I told Jay what I was feeling. We both felt a bit anxious.
Monday morning we went to the gym and we were working out on side by side ellipticals. I just wasn't able to keep up...I felt so tired and worn out...I was sweating profusely after only 5 minutes and by the time 10 minutes were up, I just had to quit.
Jay asked, "Are you sick or are you SICK?" asking me if I thought I was just coming down with something or if this could be pregnancy related.
I said, "I don't know. All I know is I don't feel good."
Then Jay said something he has not said...ever. "I kind of hope you're pregnant."
Woah! What?! Where is this coming from.
He explained, "I think I can be a better husband than I was the first time you were pregnant and I think I can be a better father than I was when Caden was a baby...I'd love to have the opportunity to do it again."
Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am to be married to this man?
I told him that if I wasn't pregnant that maybe we should make a plan to have another baby and he agreed. It was the first time we had ever had a conversation about having more kids.
I went home, Caden took a nap and I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on with me. Was I or wasn't I. I had to know.
I took a test and it took longer to show results than it did back in July, 2005. Back then it worked in literally 3 seconds. This one took about 30 seconds and I figured it would say negative. I whispered a prayer about God knowing what's best and looked at it again. PREGNANT.
My heart started to beat out of my chest and suddenly I felt something I didn't think I'd feel in that moment: Excitement. I was excited! I was excited to tell Jay.
Caden woke up and we immediately went to the gym. I put Caden in the childcare room and paced in Jay's office while he finished up with a customer. It took six million years for him to finish but once he did, I gestured for him to come into his office, shut the door and looked at him with a goofy smile.
'What?' he said.
I just kept smiling. Suddenly he figured it out.
'Holy...' and with that he slapped his hand over his mouth. Bewildered, smiling, excited and shocked he exclaimed, "I gotta sell more memberships!"
We called all of our friends and family, got on facebook and publicly announced the news...many people who knew where we stood on having more kids preceded their celebration with, "Are you alright?" and when we said, 'Yes, we're excited' they immediately expressed their excitement too.
The age difference is perfect. The baby should be born mid-April (although Caden was two weeks early) and that puts them 4 years and one month apart. Caden is already so independent, he'll be an excellent helper. We haven't really told him because we want to make sure we get through the first trimester safe and sound before getting him pumped.
I went to A Women's Pregnancy Centre yesterday to get info on insurance and take another pregnancy test and I was a bit nervous...what if the first one was false? Should we have told everyone? But this time the lines were super clear. Two, bright, pink lines.
Thanks to everyone for the overwhelming support and congratulations. I love telling people and hearing how excited they are for us. It's such a blessing.
So here it goes...8 more months of growing a human...nauseousness may be just around the corner...weight gain is coming (of course, right when I'm only 7 pounds away from my goal weight!)...but we're so blessed to have this tiny miracle joining our already amazing family.
God protect us, keep us in the palm of your hand and prepare us for what's to come!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Conversations with a Three Year Old
On the way home from church one morning when Caden was in trouble for pushing his friends:
Me: "Caden, we don't push people at church, we don't push people at the gym, we don't push people anywhere."
Caden: "Seriously?"
Me: "Yes, Seriously."
Caden: "Aw, man!"
One night I looked lovingly at my son and said...
Me: "Caden, I love you."
Caden: "Mama, I love Chuck E. Cheese."
While Caden was getting ready one morning last week:
Caden: "Mama, I want to wear a work out shirt, just like Daddy!"
Me: "Ok, buddy."
Caden: "I want to wear my back pack, just like Daddy."
Me: "You want to be just like Daddy?"
Caden: "Ya, I want to put my pants on standing up, just like Daddy!"
While I was driving, Caden was sitting in the back of the car:
Caden: "Mama, I don't feel good."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry buddy. Do you have a bad tummy?"
Caden: "Ya, I need some boy flowers to make me feel better."
Me: "Caden, we don't push people at church, we don't push people at the gym, we don't push people anywhere."
Caden: "Seriously?"
Me: "Yes, Seriously."
Caden: "Aw, man!"
One night I looked lovingly at my son and said...
Me: "Caden, I love you."
Caden: "Mama, I love Chuck E. Cheese."
While Caden was getting ready one morning last week:
Caden: "Mama, I want to wear a work out shirt, just like Daddy!"
Me: "Ok, buddy."
Caden: "I want to wear my back pack, just like Daddy."
Me: "You want to be just like Daddy?"
Caden: "Ya, I want to put my pants on standing up, just like Daddy!"
While I was driving, Caden was sitting in the back of the car:
Caden: "Mama, I don't feel good."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry buddy. Do you have a bad tummy?"
Caden: "Ya, I need some boy flowers to make me feel better."
Monday, August 10, 2009
Loving the Unlikeable
We've been having a bit of trouble with Caden being a bully. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he is taking out his 3.5 year old aggressions on any little person that looks at him the wrong way.
Sunday, he was a bit out of sorts because I had to lead worship and Jay had to work a booth at FSU fan day so Caden was at church bright and early at 7:15am and he was the last child picked up after the second service.
He had a rough morning, pushing and shoving, bullying several little ones in the church toddler room.
Wonderfully patient Ms. Jenn took him aside and said, "Caden, we don't push our friends," referring to those kids he had shoved around.
He looked at his victims angrily and replied, "They're not my friends."
All of Caden's life, we have referred to everyone around us (strangers or not) as 'friends'. It was an easier way of referring to someone when Caden hadn't yet grasped pro-nouns. As he's gotten older, I've become more apprehensive about using the word 'friend' as a vague label for every human being. After all, not everyone is his friend. In fact, few people on this planet will hold that title. He'll have many acquaintances, co-workers, colleagues...but few friends.
Obviously, just because Caden doesn't consider someone his friend, doesn't give him the right to shove them into a wall so he was disciplined big time for his antics. The rule: We only use our hands for hugs and high fives. That's what 'Yo Gabba Gabba' says anyway...but it got me thinking...
How do I teach a three and a half year old to biblically love people he just doesn't like?
Face it, we all have individuals in our lives that rub us the wrong way. In our church, our work place, our school, there may even be a family member that makes your skin crawl. How do we handle these situations? If our aim is to be Christ-like and follow God's greatest commandment to love Him and all of the people He has created, how do we do that practically when we just don't like some of them? Is it sinful to avoid eye contact with someone you don't have the energy to talk to? Is it wrong to cautiously keep people at arms length when your gut tells you they aren't to be trusted? Is it against God's will when you're super irritated by people? Did Jesus ever come across individuals that he didn't enjoy being around? I'm sure he LOVED them, but did he LIKE all of them?
What I'm learning (slowly but surely) is that God has not called us to be 'friends' with everyone. As a self-confessed people pleaser, I do not want to pass my fear of confrontation and easily-walked-on demeanor onto my child. I want him to embrace great relationships and to be brave enough to walk away from unhealthy ones even if drama occurs in the aftermath.
God's definition of love is this:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails..." - 1 Corintians 13:4-8
It is possible to love those we just don't like because 'love' and 'like' are two different thing. The world is filled with over 6 billion people with 6 billion personalities. We're not all going to be compatible. We all have different likes and dislikes, different views on politics, religion, current events, different senses of humour. We will all naturally gravitate towards some while we may not enjoy the company of others and I'm starting to realize that this is ok...in fact, it's healthy...as long as we are showing all people the 'love' that God describes in His word.
Nowhere in God's word does he call us to be everybody's friend...in a world where myspace has us ranking our 'TOP friends' and Facebook has us battling over 'who has the biggest 'friends' inventory', it's easy to forget what friendship really means.
When you encounter people you don't get a long with, I don't recommend shoving them into a wall...that's not loving in anyway, shape or form. ;) Since Caden is not required by God (or us) to be friends with everyone he meets, we are going to change the verbage to, "We don't push people because God wants us to be kind to everyone." Hopefully it'll take his little mind a while to find a rebuttal for that one.
I'm thankful for the friends that I have in my life. The people who know me and accept me regardless of my many flaws. The people I can laugh with and do life with...real people who are legit. Real friendship is worth it's weight in gold.
Sunday, he was a bit out of sorts because I had to lead worship and Jay had to work a booth at FSU fan day so Caden was at church bright and early at 7:15am and he was the last child picked up after the second service.
He had a rough morning, pushing and shoving, bullying several little ones in the church toddler room.
Wonderfully patient Ms. Jenn took him aside and said, "Caden, we don't push our friends," referring to those kids he had shoved around.
He looked at his victims angrily and replied, "They're not my friends."
All of Caden's life, we have referred to everyone around us (strangers or not) as 'friends'. It was an easier way of referring to someone when Caden hadn't yet grasped pro-nouns. As he's gotten older, I've become more apprehensive about using the word 'friend' as a vague label for every human being. After all, not everyone is his friend. In fact, few people on this planet will hold that title. He'll have many acquaintances, co-workers, colleagues...but few friends.
Obviously, just because Caden doesn't consider someone his friend, doesn't give him the right to shove them into a wall so he was disciplined big time for his antics. The rule: We only use our hands for hugs and high fives. That's what 'Yo Gabba Gabba' says anyway...but it got me thinking...
How do I teach a three and a half year old to biblically love people he just doesn't like?
Face it, we all have individuals in our lives that rub us the wrong way. In our church, our work place, our school, there may even be a family member that makes your skin crawl. How do we handle these situations? If our aim is to be Christ-like and follow God's greatest commandment to love Him and all of the people He has created, how do we do that practically when we just don't like some of them? Is it sinful to avoid eye contact with someone you don't have the energy to talk to? Is it wrong to cautiously keep people at arms length when your gut tells you they aren't to be trusted? Is it against God's will when you're super irritated by people? Did Jesus ever come across individuals that he didn't enjoy being around? I'm sure he LOVED them, but did he LIKE all of them?
What I'm learning (slowly but surely) is that God has not called us to be 'friends' with everyone. As a self-confessed people pleaser, I do not want to pass my fear of confrontation and easily-walked-on demeanor onto my child. I want him to embrace great relationships and to be brave enough to walk away from unhealthy ones even if drama occurs in the aftermath.
God's definition of love is this:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails..." - 1 Corintians 13:4-8
It is possible to love those we just don't like because 'love' and 'like' are two different thing. The world is filled with over 6 billion people with 6 billion personalities. We're not all going to be compatible. We all have different likes and dislikes, different views on politics, religion, current events, different senses of humour. We will all naturally gravitate towards some while we may not enjoy the company of others and I'm starting to realize that this is ok...in fact, it's healthy...as long as we are showing all people the 'love' that God describes in His word.
Nowhere in God's word does he call us to be everybody's friend...in a world where myspace has us ranking our 'TOP friends' and Facebook has us battling over 'who has the biggest 'friends' inventory', it's easy to forget what friendship really means.
When you encounter people you don't get a long with, I don't recommend shoving them into a wall...that's not loving in anyway, shape or form. ;) Since Caden is not required by God (or us) to be friends with everyone he meets, we are going to change the verbage to, "We don't push people because God wants us to be kind to everyone." Hopefully it'll take his little mind a while to find a rebuttal for that one.
I'm thankful for the friends that I have in my life. The people who know me and accept me regardless of my many flaws. The people I can laugh with and do life with...real people who are legit. Real friendship is worth it's weight in gold.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Happy Birthday Baby Evan!
Happy birthday to Evan who is one year old today!
Love, Uncle Jason, Aunt Kathy and Crazy Cousin Caden.
Love, Uncle Jason, Aunt Kathy and Crazy Cousin Caden.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
I AM HUMAN
Often times when I'm suppose to write about something, God will keep me up at night thinking about it. This is one of those nights. It's 2am and I couldn't rest until I got this down on paper...or screen...or whatever the new age term is for writing something. I wrote this as a testimony for the 'I Am Human' series at church but it ended up becoming quite lengthy so I decided to blog it instead. If they use it in church, great. If not, I hope it meets someone where they are. It was difficult to write about but I felt like I needed to put it out there. SO here it goes...
I was the fat kid in my class. I quickly grew into a fat teenager who was not only overweight but stood at about 5 feet and 8 inches tall in the 7th grade. On top of that, I had bad hair, thick, black glasses (not the trendy kind), a terrible complexion and about 50 excess pounds. I was not what one would consider 'cute'.
I was never the object of any boy's affection and I was always the last one picked in gym class. I wore over sized clothing to cover myself and used humour as a way of dealing with my insecurities. If people were going to laugh at me it was going to be because I was making the jokes, not because I was the butt of them.
After weighing myself one day, I decided that if I got contact lenses, fixed my hair and lost weight, all of my insecurities would disappear. So I did just that. I shed the ugly glasses, spent some extra time on my hair and makeup before school and began eating right and exercising everyday. Slowly but surely, the weight started to come off. People began commenting about how good I looked and although I knew I had lost weight, I didn't think I looked good at all. By the time I graduated high school, I looked like a different girl...the problem was, I didn't feel like a different girl. Outside, I was leaner and more attractive...inside, I was still the fat and awkward girl who forged notes to get out of gym class and had to be funny to be noticed.
As a poor college kid that played in a band, I ate out a lot so nutrition went out the window. My weight fluctuated up and down, but mostly up. The one thing that was consistent in my life was my insecurities. I thought that I was incredibly unattractive and I assumed that everyone around me felt the same way. I had a lot of guy friends who loved hanging out with me but would never in a million years consider dating me and honestly, I could blame them? Who would want me?
I began to think that maybe having a man in my life would make me feel better about myself. I dated a few guys that I didn't really have any interest in but those relationships didn't last longer than a few weeks. If anything, being with someone else made me feel less attractive and more insecure.
I began to pray every night for my husband. I was young but I had a deep seeded longing to share my life with someone. I prayed that God would prepare my heart for him and his heart for me...that God would somehow, miraculously, make me beautiful in his eyes when he saw me for the first time.
When I was 18, I came to North Carolina to work at a summer camp for inner city kids and I met a guy named Jason. To me, Jason was perfect. Handsome, mature, and talented. I immediately disqualified him as an option to date. Too perfect. About a week after we met, Jason asked me to go for a walk around the camp lake with him which in camp lingo means, "Do you want to go on a date with me?" I was immediately flooded with fear and confusion. Why would this incredibly attractive man want anything to do with me? Still, the more we talked, the more compatible we were and soon we were walking hand and hand around camp. I was so happy with him but I couldn't help but think that everyone was whispering, "What in the world is a guy like him doing with a girl like her?" In my head, we were physically an odd match and I feared that someday soon he would be interested in someone better.
Our relationship grew in spite of my fears and not too long after, Jason asked me to marry him. I knew that we were suppose to be together but I still couldn't understand his attraction to me. I remembered my prayers for a husband and believed in my heart that God had prepared him for me and me for him...I was just so scared that when he looked at me, he saw what I saw.
Marrying Jason was by far the best decision I have ever made. We've been married for almost six years and I love him more now than the day I married him but even marrying my best friend didn't change my horrible self image. If anything, it magnified it. I looked around me and saw beautiful, skinny, attractive women and I wondered if Jay would wake up one day and realize that I didn't look like them. My thoughts were flooded with horrible images of him falling for someone else, walking away from me. I allowed too many days to be overshadowed by an irrational fear of him leaving me for somebody else. Somebody prettier. Poor Jay. He has never been anything but uplifting and loving, constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how precious our marriage is to him but for some reason, I thought my inadequacies would ruin what we had.
There were times when these fears and thoughts became overwhelming. I remember one particular night when I was lying in bed, unable to sleep because I was thinking about all of the reasons why I am not good enough when I heard this voice in my head that said, "Where is this coming from?"
I thought about it for a while. My parents were always uplifting and encouraging. My friends were wonderful to me. My husband was constantly affirming my worth...it was then that I recognized the powerful grip that Satan had on my mentality. It was as though he was whispering in my ear all of the reasons why I am disgusting. He was planting seeds of doubt in my head because he wants my marriage to fail...he wants me to be obsessed with self-loathing so that I won't have time to fulfill God's calling on my life. He wants me to pass my insecurities down to my child. He was feeding the very thing that consumed my thoughts and robbed me so many times of my joy. In that moment, I anointed my room with prayer. I prayed over everything. The walls, the doors, the closet, the bed, the mirror...I prayed that God would cast out any hint of Satan's influence. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming sense of calmness and beautiful thoughts began flooding my mind. God created me exactly as I am. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He answered my prayers for a husband and blessed me with an incredible family that loves me for who I am, not who I could be if I lost a few pounds. I am a beautiful princess of the King. I had never felt more free than I did in that moment...
A few months ago, a friend of mine said jokingly, "Kathy doesn't even understand the word insecure."
I laughed nervously as to not be found out but the truth is, I know insecurity. I am the definition of it...but I am working through it with the power of the Holy Spirit. It's been a process but I am learning to thank God for who I am, every single part of me, whether it's flawed or not. I am defining myself through God's eyes, not comparing myself to everyone around me. No one and nothing on this earth can define who I am besides Christ alone and in Him I've never felt more beautiful.
I was the fat kid in my class. I quickly grew into a fat teenager who was not only overweight but stood at about 5 feet and 8 inches tall in the 7th grade. On top of that, I had bad hair, thick, black glasses (not the trendy kind), a terrible complexion and about 50 excess pounds. I was not what one would consider 'cute'.
I was never the object of any boy's affection and I was always the last one picked in gym class. I wore over sized clothing to cover myself and used humour as a way of dealing with my insecurities. If people were going to laugh at me it was going to be because I was making the jokes, not because I was the butt of them.
After weighing myself one day, I decided that if I got contact lenses, fixed my hair and lost weight, all of my insecurities would disappear. So I did just that. I shed the ugly glasses, spent some extra time on my hair and makeup before school and began eating right and exercising everyday. Slowly but surely, the weight started to come off. People began commenting about how good I looked and although I knew I had lost weight, I didn't think I looked good at all. By the time I graduated high school, I looked like a different girl...the problem was, I didn't feel like a different girl. Outside, I was leaner and more attractive...inside, I was still the fat and awkward girl who forged notes to get out of gym class and had to be funny to be noticed.
As a poor college kid that played in a band, I ate out a lot so nutrition went out the window. My weight fluctuated up and down, but mostly up. The one thing that was consistent in my life was my insecurities. I thought that I was incredibly unattractive and I assumed that everyone around me felt the same way. I had a lot of guy friends who loved hanging out with me but would never in a million years consider dating me and honestly, I could blame them? Who would want me?
I began to think that maybe having a man in my life would make me feel better about myself. I dated a few guys that I didn't really have any interest in but those relationships didn't last longer than a few weeks. If anything, being with someone else made me feel less attractive and more insecure.
I began to pray every night for my husband. I was young but I had a deep seeded longing to share my life with someone. I prayed that God would prepare my heart for him and his heart for me...that God would somehow, miraculously, make me beautiful in his eyes when he saw me for the first time.
When I was 18, I came to North Carolina to work at a summer camp for inner city kids and I met a guy named Jason. To me, Jason was perfect. Handsome, mature, and talented. I immediately disqualified him as an option to date. Too perfect. About a week after we met, Jason asked me to go for a walk around the camp lake with him which in camp lingo means, "Do you want to go on a date with me?" I was immediately flooded with fear and confusion. Why would this incredibly attractive man want anything to do with me? Still, the more we talked, the more compatible we were and soon we were walking hand and hand around camp. I was so happy with him but I couldn't help but think that everyone was whispering, "What in the world is a guy like him doing with a girl like her?" In my head, we were physically an odd match and I feared that someday soon he would be interested in someone better.
Our relationship grew in spite of my fears and not too long after, Jason asked me to marry him. I knew that we were suppose to be together but I still couldn't understand his attraction to me. I remembered my prayers for a husband and believed in my heart that God had prepared him for me and me for him...I was just so scared that when he looked at me, he saw what I saw.
Marrying Jason was by far the best decision I have ever made. We've been married for almost six years and I love him more now than the day I married him but even marrying my best friend didn't change my horrible self image. If anything, it magnified it. I looked around me and saw beautiful, skinny, attractive women and I wondered if Jay would wake up one day and realize that I didn't look like them. My thoughts were flooded with horrible images of him falling for someone else, walking away from me. I allowed too many days to be overshadowed by an irrational fear of him leaving me for somebody else. Somebody prettier. Poor Jay. He has never been anything but uplifting and loving, constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how precious our marriage is to him but for some reason, I thought my inadequacies would ruin what we had.
There were times when these fears and thoughts became overwhelming. I remember one particular night when I was lying in bed, unable to sleep because I was thinking about all of the reasons why I am not good enough when I heard this voice in my head that said, "Where is this coming from?"
I thought about it for a while. My parents were always uplifting and encouraging. My friends were wonderful to me. My husband was constantly affirming my worth...it was then that I recognized the powerful grip that Satan had on my mentality. It was as though he was whispering in my ear all of the reasons why I am disgusting. He was planting seeds of doubt in my head because he wants my marriage to fail...he wants me to be obsessed with self-loathing so that I won't have time to fulfill God's calling on my life. He wants me to pass my insecurities down to my child. He was feeding the very thing that consumed my thoughts and robbed me so many times of my joy. In that moment, I anointed my room with prayer. I prayed over everything. The walls, the doors, the closet, the bed, the mirror...I prayed that God would cast out any hint of Satan's influence. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming sense of calmness and beautiful thoughts began flooding my mind. God created me exactly as I am. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He answered my prayers for a husband and blessed me with an incredible family that loves me for who I am, not who I could be if I lost a few pounds. I am a beautiful princess of the King. I had never felt more free than I did in that moment...
A few months ago, a friend of mine said jokingly, "Kathy doesn't even understand the word insecure."
I laughed nervously as to not be found out but the truth is, I know insecurity. I am the definition of it...but I am working through it with the power of the Holy Spirit. It's been a process but I am learning to thank God for who I am, every single part of me, whether it's flawed or not. I am defining myself through God's eyes, not comparing myself to everyone around me. No one and nothing on this earth can define who I am besides Christ alone and in Him I've never felt more beautiful.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
L-O-V-E
I was listening to some Rob Bell literature on my Ipod while working out today and he was talking about the vulnerability of loving someone...of putting yourself out there to be loved back. He told a story about when he was in junior high. He was at a school dance and mustered up enough courage to cross the gymnasium floor from the boy's side to the girl's side. He said he approached a girl who's name he can still vividly recall and asked her to dance. Her reaction: She began crying and ran into the girl's bathroom.
In this awkward moment of not knowing quite what was going on, he had been rejected. He put himself out there and was shot down.
He then begins to explain how God, who is often portrayed as a judge and king is also a lover and that when he created human beings, He made the same decision to be vulnerable....to create beings with a mind of their own who could choose to love him...and time and time and time again, they choose not to.
Rejection. Not only can God comfort you when you are rejected...He can relate to a much higher degree.
God's word tells us (wives) to submit to our husbands and for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.
What did Christ do for the church? He died for it...God created human beings to be worth dying for. When a police officer takes a bullet for someone or a fire fighter dies in a smoke filled building after saving several lives from flames, our hearts are deeply touched and we honor their memory because we know, as the beings that God created us to be, that human beings are worth dying for...and when someone lays down their life for another (which the bible calls the ultimate gift), we are moved and effected, whether we know that person or not.
In this same way, God has called husbands to die to themselves, to lay down their lives so that they can truly and intensely love their wives....and yet the words, 'Wives submit to your husbands' is so often quoted, taken out of context, and even used in abusive situations to bully and gain control over women.
Real men love their wives to the point where they are completely submissive to them through self - sacrifice and real women reciprocate.
Marital love is not about sex or romance or butterflies in the stomach ... it's about two people becoming completely selfless, dying to self and uplifting the other in every way imaginable.
The woman in Song of Song's said, "I am my beloved's and he is mine."
Equality. Respect. Submission. Selflessness. Love.
Real love is worth risking heart break for. God does it every single moment of every single day. God is love but the majority of the people he has created choose to have nothing to do with him...Can you imagine how much that hurts the one who created them to be?
I once heard that having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body. It's painful and exhilarating all at once. That is love...and it's worth fighting for...it's worth pouring into...when Caden was an infant, he didn't have the capability of loving me back and yet I poured myself into him, nurturing him, taking care of him and loving him beyond explanation...I just loved him for being him and as he grew and developed, he began to love me too....my love for him made his love for me, natural.
That's the choice we need to make in marriage...to love our spouse for who they are, not for what they can do for us...otherwise we'll begin creating a list of rights and wrongs, whether we intend to or not. Real love is contagious and it always prevails...and in the event that you love someone with all of yourself and they do not return that love, know that your Father in Heaven can relate and believe that love is still worth searching for, praying for, waiting for, longing for, working for and even dying for.
In this awkward moment of not knowing quite what was going on, he had been rejected. He put himself out there and was shot down.
He then begins to explain how God, who is often portrayed as a judge and king is also a lover and that when he created human beings, He made the same decision to be vulnerable....to create beings with a mind of their own who could choose to love him...and time and time and time again, they choose not to.
Rejection. Not only can God comfort you when you are rejected...He can relate to a much higher degree.
God's word tells us (wives) to submit to our husbands and for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.
What did Christ do for the church? He died for it...God created human beings to be worth dying for. When a police officer takes a bullet for someone or a fire fighter dies in a smoke filled building after saving several lives from flames, our hearts are deeply touched and we honor their memory because we know, as the beings that God created us to be, that human beings are worth dying for...and when someone lays down their life for another (which the bible calls the ultimate gift), we are moved and effected, whether we know that person or not.
In this same way, God has called husbands to die to themselves, to lay down their lives so that they can truly and intensely love their wives....and yet the words, 'Wives submit to your husbands' is so often quoted, taken out of context, and even used in abusive situations to bully and gain control over women.
Real men love their wives to the point where they are completely submissive to them through self - sacrifice and real women reciprocate.
Marital love is not about sex or romance or butterflies in the stomach ... it's about two people becoming completely selfless, dying to self and uplifting the other in every way imaginable.
The woman in Song of Song's said, "I am my beloved's and he is mine."
Equality. Respect. Submission. Selflessness. Love.
Real love is worth risking heart break for. God does it every single moment of every single day. God is love but the majority of the people he has created choose to have nothing to do with him...Can you imagine how much that hurts the one who created them to be?
I once heard that having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body. It's painful and exhilarating all at once. That is love...and it's worth fighting for...it's worth pouring into...when Caden was an infant, he didn't have the capability of loving me back and yet I poured myself into him, nurturing him, taking care of him and loving him beyond explanation...I just loved him for being him and as he grew and developed, he began to love me too....my love for him made his love for me, natural.
That's the choice we need to make in marriage...to love our spouse for who they are, not for what they can do for us...otherwise we'll begin creating a list of rights and wrongs, whether we intend to or not. Real love is contagious and it always prevails...and in the event that you love someone with all of yourself and they do not return that love, know that your Father in Heaven can relate and believe that love is still worth searching for, praying for, waiting for, longing for, working for and even dying for.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
For Better, For Worse....
I feel very burdened tonight for the state of marriage in our world...I feel desperately and painfully empathetic for those who have had their trust abused, their world's completely rocked, their hearts broken and who's children have had to watch it all happen.
I am hurting for women who have given themselves completely to another person only to be told out of the blue, "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Or who have had to find out the hard way that someone else has stolen their man's affection.
What do you do with that? How is it fair? If you don't have Christ to sustain you, how do you make it through that kind of damage? How do you re-build?
I praise God for the health of my marriage and the love Jay and I have for one another but I am not foolish enough to think that we are immune...that we don't need to be on guard...that we don't need to affair proof our marriage, remove people from our lives who try to sabotage it and pray daily for it...After all, we live in a world where a wedding band is not just physically easy to remove but figuratively as well and it turns my stomach to think about it.
I watched a message by Beth Moore (who, as you can probably tell, I have come to LOVE!) and she was honest about a time not so long ago when she was plagued with irrational fear for her marriage...She began to think (and I'm paraphrasing here), 'What if he just doesn't find me attractive anymore? What if he finds someone else? If that happened, I would just die!'
Riddled with a paralyzing fear, she felt God call her out of it by saying, "Beth, what would your worst case scenario be?"
"Well," she thought to herself, "He would meet someone else. He would fall in love with her. He would divorce me and marry her. My children would like her!"
She then felt His voice say, "And what would happen to you?"
"Well Lord, I would kick and scream. I would be so angry. I would cry and throw a fit and be a mess. I would fall to the floor and I would be broken"
"And then?"
"Well, then....I'd get back up. Eventually, I'd get back up and I'd start to live life again."
Whatever fear you have, whatever nightmare Satan tries to taunt you with, whatever damage you've already suffered...as devastating as it seems in reality or in your imagination, God is bigger than it.
My prayer is that any woman (and I say woman because I am one...I know men have been hurt too) who has been hurt in this way will find her restoration in God's hands...that any children who have to witness a marriage fall apart will be spared from a similar fate in their marriages down the road...that husbands and wives would become diligent in their prayers for one another and their families, that they would do everything in their power to stay together and be healthy and stronger than they imagined possible. I pray that bitterness, hatred, disrespect and distrust will give birth to joy, love, respect and a relational depth that they didn't realize existed...that couples will begin to experience marriage the way God intended it to be.
Protect yourselves...I am a big believer in Heaven and a big believer in Hell...not just as distant places but on the earth right here, right now. One of the best things Satan has going for him in the world is the 50% divorce rate...Like Pastor Brian said a few Sunday's ago, "Schedule your pain and schedule it early."
If you need counselling, go get it...don't save it 'til the end just so you can say, "We did all we could do."
If you need to work long and hard on your marriage, roll up your sleeves and get to it.
And if you find yourself at the end of a loosing battle, at the finish of an exhausting, unhealthy marital journey that has ended in separation and you have no idea how you got here, know that God is eager and more than able to pick up the pieces and bring restoration to your broken heart.
I am praying for you tonight.
I am hurting for women who have given themselves completely to another person only to be told out of the blue, "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Or who have had to find out the hard way that someone else has stolen their man's affection.
What do you do with that? How is it fair? If you don't have Christ to sustain you, how do you make it through that kind of damage? How do you re-build?
I praise God for the health of my marriage and the love Jay and I have for one another but I am not foolish enough to think that we are immune...that we don't need to be on guard...that we don't need to affair proof our marriage, remove people from our lives who try to sabotage it and pray daily for it...After all, we live in a world where a wedding band is not just physically easy to remove but figuratively as well and it turns my stomach to think about it.
I watched a message by Beth Moore (who, as you can probably tell, I have come to LOVE!) and she was honest about a time not so long ago when she was plagued with irrational fear for her marriage...She began to think (and I'm paraphrasing here), 'What if he just doesn't find me attractive anymore? What if he finds someone else? If that happened, I would just die!'
Riddled with a paralyzing fear, she felt God call her out of it by saying, "Beth, what would your worst case scenario be?"
"Well," she thought to herself, "He would meet someone else. He would fall in love with her. He would divorce me and marry her. My children would like her!"
She then felt His voice say, "And what would happen to you?"
"Well Lord, I would kick and scream. I would be so angry. I would cry and throw a fit and be a mess. I would fall to the floor and I would be broken"
"And then?"
"Well, then....I'd get back up. Eventually, I'd get back up and I'd start to live life again."
Whatever fear you have, whatever nightmare Satan tries to taunt you with, whatever damage you've already suffered...as devastating as it seems in reality or in your imagination, God is bigger than it.
My prayer is that any woman (and I say woman because I am one...I know men have been hurt too) who has been hurt in this way will find her restoration in God's hands...that any children who have to witness a marriage fall apart will be spared from a similar fate in their marriages down the road...that husbands and wives would become diligent in their prayers for one another and their families, that they would do everything in their power to stay together and be healthy and stronger than they imagined possible. I pray that bitterness, hatred, disrespect and distrust will give birth to joy, love, respect and a relational depth that they didn't realize existed...that couples will begin to experience marriage the way God intended it to be.
Protect yourselves...I am a big believer in Heaven and a big believer in Hell...not just as distant places but on the earth right here, right now. One of the best things Satan has going for him in the world is the 50% divorce rate...Like Pastor Brian said a few Sunday's ago, "Schedule your pain and schedule it early."
If you need counselling, go get it...don't save it 'til the end just so you can say, "We did all we could do."
If you need to work long and hard on your marriage, roll up your sleeves and get to it.
And if you find yourself at the end of a loosing battle, at the finish of an exhausting, unhealthy marital journey that has ended in separation and you have no idea how you got here, know that God is eager and more than able to pick up the pieces and bring restoration to your broken heart.
I am praying for you tonight.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Tithing
As Christians, we are called to give. We are educated on the fact that what we have (although earned through our hard work) has graciously been given to us by God above. He supplies our health, our jobs and our wages and the least we can do is give 10% back to Him. The bible is littered with references to tithing. Some teachers take these passages literally and some say that they were relative only in the time which they were spoken. I have heard many televangelists speak on 'sowing seeds', donating above and beyond the 10% and watching God blow up your bank account. I feel very sorry for the innocent people who are swindled by that teaching...who give away their mortgage payment expecting God will miraculously pay off their house. This type of teaching is a lie and these types of 'preachers' are one of the many types of false teachers harming the name of Christ in today's world.
Here's how I personally feel about the issue of tithing. I am not a theologian nor can I translate the original scriptures from Hebrew or Greek but here's what I've learned and what I believe to be true based on solid teaching an good old fashion experience.
The tithe shows up many times throughout the Old Testament. It first appears in Genesis 14:20 then again in 28:22. In Numbers, God commands that the Israelite's tithe be brought together in support of the Levites and the Levite's tithe went to the Priests (NUM 18:21-26). There's also mention of gathering a tithe for celebrating in Deuteronomy 14:23-29.
When I worked for a church back in 2003, the below scripture was often quoted prior to the tithes and offering part of the Sunday morning program:
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Malachi 3:10
I'll be honest. I worked for the church and didn't tithe. I never remember making a choice not to, I just honestly never thought about it! I had just turned 20, Jay was a pretty new Christian and we didn't tithe. Aside from the Malachi scripture being quoted on Sunday mornings, the issue wasn't discussed. We were never approached about the subject...not putting the blame on anyone else but I wonder what my response would have been if I was made aware of my ignorance back then. In all fairness, we went to a church where 90% of the attendants were homeless, poverty stricken and members of drug addiction programs so tithing was never a message topic, understandably so. Jay and I went about 3 years without even thinking about tithing at all. We gave directly to people in need from time to time. We always gave of our time and opened our home to those who needed hospitality but for the most part, tithing was not part of our day to day existence.
It wasn't until we settled into genesischurch.tv that we started to realize how important the discipline of tithing was.
The New Testament talks a lot about giving but the tithe is not really mentioned or focused on outside of Matthew 23:23 & Luke 11:42, where it is referenced as not being as important as love, justice and mercy. It's true, there is no where in scripture where the tithe is declared as the necessary percentage to be given to the local church but even so, I believe in tithing and I'll tell you why.
It isn't because I believe you'll never have financial problems if you tithe. In fact, in those three years that Jay and I never tithed, we had WAY more money than we have now. I remember specific situations in which God miraculously blessed us both financially and in other areas. We ate out all the time, went to concerts, we even saved a considerable amount of money during our first year of marriage. There are plenty of stinking rich people who remain stinking rich their whole lives who never give a dime to anyone...I know, I play music for them every Friday and Saturday and they don't tip me...Giving the tithe does not mean you will reap earthly riches...in fact, what I have found is that when we tithe we are more often than not 10% poorer than we were before. Gotta be hoenst. In the last two years, we have hit more financial hardship than I care to discuss and we've been regular tithers...I don't believe our troubles are because of our tithing but I don't believe they will suddenly go away because of our tithing either. I'm not bitter about lacking money in the midst of financial faithfulness because I know that 'giving to get' is not what it's about. The Malachi verse isn't about reaping physical riches on earth.
It's about discipline. It's about honoring God and trusting Him and the reward that comes from a deeper relationship with Him and a planet that is better for your giving. It's about doing our part to abolish Hell on Earth. God has been revealing that to me a lot lately...that Heaven and Hell are not just far away distant lands...they exist here in the now. Just like Christ taught us to pray, "Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." The bible says, "The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." It's accessible and available for us to experience in the now, even in the midst of this fallen place. In the same way that Heaven exists, Hell does too. Terrorized nations where men, women and children and tortured, raped, abused, murdered...that's Hell and exists on the planet, today. There's Hell in our own city...and we believe our church is one of many that is working to abolish some of that, one soul at a time.
So Jay and I give ten percent of our lower middle class income...sometimes to the children's ministry at our local church, sometimes directly to people in need who have been hit from the right and the left and could really use a break...sometimes to organizations that are doing their part to abolish Hell on Earth like the Innocence Project (a program that frees innocently convicted people from prison and the death penalty) or the Magdalene Project (a program that is working to end the child sex trade overseas). Part of our tithe goes to support a little boy named Chrispine in Zambia who was born the same day as Caden but has much less than he does. We don't always give in a way that is trackable or tax deductible, and only God Himself can see it and know it's true but we do it because we should...and sometimes we can pay the bills and sometimes can't. That's life. We often have to choose between giving or saving so we give. Probably not what a financial advisor would suggest but even so, it's the right thing to do.
I am so tired of hearing the argument about tithing...about why we should do it and why the number should be 10% and yadda yadda yadda.
Why 10%? Why not!
The theme is pretty evident throughout scripture so I think it's a good starting point and if you can give more, give more! But don't expect a cheque in the mail. Do it because even when you have to pull from savings to pay the utility bill, at least you have a savings to pull from...at least you have utilities...at least you have breath in your lungs and the ability to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
So there it is. I never wrote this to toot my own horn. Lord knows we went long enough being ultra greedy and truthfully, if we worked our personal numbers a bit better we'd probably be able to do much more for the planet.
I know this probably is not a very intellectual collection of thoughts but I felt compelled to write them down. Thanks for reading.
Here's how I personally feel about the issue of tithing. I am not a theologian nor can I translate the original scriptures from Hebrew or Greek but here's what I've learned and what I believe to be true based on solid teaching an good old fashion experience.
The tithe shows up many times throughout the Old Testament. It first appears in Genesis 14:20 then again in 28:22. In Numbers, God commands that the Israelite's tithe be brought together in support of the Levites and the Levite's tithe went to the Priests (NUM 18:21-26). There's also mention of gathering a tithe for celebrating in Deuteronomy 14:23-29.
When I worked for a church back in 2003, the below scripture was often quoted prior to the tithes and offering part of the Sunday morning program:
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Malachi 3:10
I'll be honest. I worked for the church and didn't tithe. I never remember making a choice not to, I just honestly never thought about it! I had just turned 20, Jay was a pretty new Christian and we didn't tithe. Aside from the Malachi scripture being quoted on Sunday mornings, the issue wasn't discussed. We were never approached about the subject...not putting the blame on anyone else but I wonder what my response would have been if I was made aware of my ignorance back then. In all fairness, we went to a church where 90% of the attendants were homeless, poverty stricken and members of drug addiction programs so tithing was never a message topic, understandably so. Jay and I went about 3 years without even thinking about tithing at all. We gave directly to people in need from time to time. We always gave of our time and opened our home to those who needed hospitality but for the most part, tithing was not part of our day to day existence.
It wasn't until we settled into genesischurch.tv that we started to realize how important the discipline of tithing was.
The New Testament talks a lot about giving but the tithe is not really mentioned or focused on outside of Matthew 23:23 & Luke 11:42, where it is referenced as not being as important as love, justice and mercy. It's true, there is no where in scripture where the tithe is declared as the necessary percentage to be given to the local church but even so, I believe in tithing and I'll tell you why.
It isn't because I believe you'll never have financial problems if you tithe. In fact, in those three years that Jay and I never tithed, we had WAY more money than we have now. I remember specific situations in which God miraculously blessed us both financially and in other areas. We ate out all the time, went to concerts, we even saved a considerable amount of money during our first year of marriage. There are plenty of stinking rich people who remain stinking rich their whole lives who never give a dime to anyone...I know, I play music for them every Friday and Saturday and they don't tip me...Giving the tithe does not mean you will reap earthly riches...in fact, what I have found is that when we tithe we are more often than not 10% poorer than we were before. Gotta be hoenst. In the last two years, we have hit more financial hardship than I care to discuss and we've been regular tithers...I don't believe our troubles are because of our tithing but I don't believe they will suddenly go away because of our tithing either. I'm not bitter about lacking money in the midst of financial faithfulness because I know that 'giving to get' is not what it's about. The Malachi verse isn't about reaping physical riches on earth.
It's about discipline. It's about honoring God and trusting Him and the reward that comes from a deeper relationship with Him and a planet that is better for your giving. It's about doing our part to abolish Hell on Earth. God has been revealing that to me a lot lately...that Heaven and Hell are not just far away distant lands...they exist here in the now. Just like Christ taught us to pray, "Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." The bible says, "The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." It's accessible and available for us to experience in the now, even in the midst of this fallen place. In the same way that Heaven exists, Hell does too. Terrorized nations where men, women and children and tortured, raped, abused, murdered...that's Hell and exists on the planet, today. There's Hell in our own city...and we believe our church is one of many that is working to abolish some of that, one soul at a time.
So Jay and I give ten percent of our lower middle class income...sometimes to the children's ministry at our local church, sometimes directly to people in need who have been hit from the right and the left and could really use a break...sometimes to organizations that are doing their part to abolish Hell on Earth like the Innocence Project (a program that frees innocently convicted people from prison and the death penalty) or the Magdalene Project (a program that is working to end the child sex trade overseas). Part of our tithe goes to support a little boy named Chrispine in Zambia who was born the same day as Caden but has much less than he does. We don't always give in a way that is trackable or tax deductible, and only God Himself can see it and know it's true but we do it because we should...and sometimes we can pay the bills and sometimes can't. That's life. We often have to choose between giving or saving so we give. Probably not what a financial advisor would suggest but even so, it's the right thing to do.
I am so tired of hearing the argument about tithing...about why we should do it and why the number should be 10% and yadda yadda yadda.
Why 10%? Why not!
The theme is pretty evident throughout scripture so I think it's a good starting point and if you can give more, give more! But don't expect a cheque in the mail. Do it because even when you have to pull from savings to pay the utility bill, at least you have a savings to pull from...at least you have utilities...at least you have breath in your lungs and the ability to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
So there it is. I never wrote this to toot my own horn. Lord knows we went long enough being ultra greedy and truthfully, if we worked our personal numbers a bit better we'd probably be able to do much more for the planet.
I know this probably is not a very intellectual collection of thoughts but I felt compelled to write them down. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Videos
Caden and his hulk hands (courtesy of Nevin and Sarah)
Playing in the rain with Daddy
Waiting outside of American Idol auditions
Inside of the Amway Arena during Auditions. Keep in mind, our section was last out of all of these people...insanity.
This was about 5 hours into the auditioning process
Playing in the rain with Daddy
Waiting outside of American Idol auditions
Inside of the Amway Arena during Auditions. Keep in mind, our section was last out of all of these people...insanity.
This was about 5 hours into the auditioning process
Friday, July 10, 2009
American Idol: A Tale of Victorious Loss
First, let me tell you about a dream I had a week ago:
I dreamed that I was at the American Idol auditions and I found a wad of money on the ground. People told me to keep it, but I turned it in. I waited a long time to audition but then never got the chance to.
Now about the actual day: It all began at 3:30am when the alarm went off. After getting ready, Jay and I hit the road at 4:30am. We were stuck in American Idol traffic until about 5:45am. After finding a place to park and walking to the arena from the parking lot, we arrived at about 6:30am. The camera's were rolling, catching all of the craziness as it unfolded. Michael Jackson look-alikes, drag queens, Zorro, cat woman, a Caucasian man with full Indian head dress on...then there were the guitar players, strumming and singing loudly all around us...the wanna-be diva's, SCREAMING power ballads...the smell of hair spray, perfume and pot filled the air. We stood outside for about 2 more hours, watching Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell interview people for the TV guide channel. Once the doors opened, everyone flocked to their seats in the arena. It was packed. about 12,000 people, if not more.
Once seated we had to sing the song 'Heartbreaker' as a group. We did this about 10 times while they filmed us..then we had to do the wave and say in unison, "I'm going to Disney World. Woo." I felt like a performing monkey.
Then Nigel Lythgoe took the microphone and explained the process. On the floor of the arena they set up 12 tables, separated by curtains. We would be called by sections, seperated into groups of 4, and audition at one of the 12 tables. When it was time for us to approach the judge's table we were told (and I quote):
"Do not shake our hand. Do not introduce yourself, where you are from or what your name is. Just step forward and when the judge points to you, sing."
Alrighty then.
We were sitting in section 119. They announced that they would begin auditioning with section 120 and would be working clockwise around the arena. My jaw dropped. We were going to be dead last. Last, out of 12,000 people. Ugh.
The auditioning began around 9:30am. I practiced, we ate, we walked around, we walked around some more, we sat, we fell asleep sitting up, I updated my facebook status 100 times...It was a LONG day. We watched as hopefuls took their turn in front of the judges. It was mass chaos of singing and drama. If you were told 'yes' you were given a golden ticket and sent through the winners exit. If you were told 'no' you were stripped of your yellow, paper bracelet and sent through the losers exit. About one person every five minutes received a golden ticket but the majority were told, "Thanks, but no thanks."
I watched people with AMAZING voices walk through the dreaded losers exit. Some were lucky enough to earn the golden ticket. I watched a lot of crazy people with costumes walk through the winners exit. About an hour before I auditioned, a transvestite with a long, blond wig and a mini-dress made it through and Jay said, 'If he makes it and you don't, I'm going to be so ticked."
He made it. I didn't. Jay was so ticked.
As I sat there for extended periods of time, watching the craziness, listening to the hopefuls, one thought ran through my head over and over:
"I wonder what Caden is doing right now?"
I missed him. I've left him before...I've left him for many nights consecutively before..but this was different. I began to think about what life would be like if I made it all the way in this competition...how I would miss Caden's 4th birthday...how someone else would be watching my little boy, someone else would know his routine, someone else would be his protector, teacher and guardian. I remembered how much Jay and I have sacrificed for me to stay home and I began stressing about what my life would be like if I won. I looked around and saw people stressed about not making it and here I was stressed about getting through!
Auditions were taking forever until about 4 sections away from us. Then they seemed to speed up. It was about 5pm and it seemed as though they weren't letting anyone through at this point. Very few golden tickets.
I made my way to the bathroom one last time before my section was called and on my way there the girl in front of me accidentally dropped a wad of cash and kept on walking. A few people saw it happen but did nothing. I picked it up and called out to her, "Excuse me, you dropped some money."
She turned around and said, "Wow, thanks. I didn't even notice."
She seemed surprised at my honesty, thanked me again and walked away. I walked into the bathroom and suddenly froze. I remembered my dream. I ran back to the auditorium to tell Jay about it. His first response was, "Weird! How did your dream end?!?!"
I hesitated but said quietly, "I didn't get to audition."
Jay noted how angry he would be if they cut things off after having waited around all day but soon enough it was section 119's turn to audition and I headed towards the floor. Jay had to stay in the stands but based on my exit, he would know whether I lost or won.
I lined up with 3 other people. Benny was on my right. He was the strangest person I've ever met. He had no song prepared and asked me to teach him, 'Oh Happy Day' while walking towards the judge. I tried to sing it for him but told him he really needed to sing something he knew. He insisted 'Oh Happy Day' would be a good choice. I felt bad for him but wanted to slap him at the same time. How could you not have a song prepared, Benny!
Then there was a tall Asian guy named J.P next to me and a pretty blond girl on the end. They were really nice and came with a large group from their church in south Florida to audition. Their friends were scattered throughout the audition tables. One of their friends was a short, chubby guy with thick, black glasses. He auditioned at the table next to us and had one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard.
When we got to our table, the judge didn't look like a judge at all. He was a skinny, pale guy in his 30's who looked like a creep that sold cigarettes to kids or performed illegal tattoos. Not what I was expecting.
The girl on the end leaned over to me and said, "I hope he doesn't stab us if we're bad."
We laughed.
Benny went first and did the most horrible rendition of 'Oh Happy Day' I've ever heard. Poor guy. The judge started day dreaming and starring off into space while he sang. Benny actually got to sing for about 35 seconds because the judge was in la-la land for 30 seconds of it. When he remembered where he was, he stopped Benny and said, "Can you sing another song?"
Benny broke out with Mariah Carey and my heart hurt for him. He was dreadful and he had waited ALL day.
Then it was my turn. I knew he probably wasn't an easy-listening music fan but I stepped forward and began singing, "Moon Shadow" by Cat Stevens because I felt good about it. I was calm and I was doing (in my opinion) a great job. The judge did not make eye contact with me and stopped me two lines in, asking me to sing something else. I had prepared a couple of songs but I figured the one he might like the best was, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, so I started singing that one. He lost interest after the first note, eyes wandering all over the stadium just as they had with Benny. I sang for about 2 more lines and he waved me away. I knew in that moment it was over for me and Benny.
My new friends stepped forward one at a time to sing. They not only had AMAZING voices but amazing looks...and through our conversations I knew that they were there to use the talents God gave them for His glory. In that moment I thought, "If I really want to see God's will done, then I won't care whether He uses me to complete it or somebody else, as long as His will is accomplished."
I knew one of them was going to make it through...but they didn't. Our judge didn't watch any of us sing. He stopped both of them after 10 seconds and asked them to sing different songs. Then he gave them another 10 seconds before cutting them off completely, like he did to me. Benny got the most time out of all of us.
He called the four of us forward and told us, "You all have great voices but you're just not ready. Try singing in front of people, work on it and come back next year."
My dream from a week before was truly prophetic. I never really got a chance to audition.
I walked out with my new friends and Benny. Benny mumbled something like, "I know I'm good, I just got nervous." Poor Benny. He really thought he was.
When we got outside we were joined by literally everyone who had been auditioning for the last 45 minutes. The cameras were put away long before our time came to sing. The cleaning crew were picking up trash and shutting off lights. We stayed all day only to be passed over quickly so the judges could get the heck out of there.
Had I been determined to win, that would have made me CRAZY angry...but I wasn't at that point. I knew I didn't want it. I was a little irritated that the judge grouped my talent in with Benny's with his, 'You all have great voices' comment, but I was satisfied. My prayers were answered. I didn't make it through because it would have been bad for my family.
The losers exit took you straight outside, into the rain. With no bracelet and no ticket, I couldn't get back in so I waited on the losers stairs for 20 minutes for Jay to find me. That was the worst part of the day...wanting Jay and not knowing where he was. I watched everyone walk out of the losers exit, crying, cursing, screaming, bewildered and shocked about not making it. Some had legitimate reasons to be upset. The chubby guy with the glasses who's voice was flawless, joined us on the losers stairs. No one was making it through at this point. I told him his voice was so good it intimidated me and he smiled, gave me a hug and headed home. He should have made it.
Finally I heard a faint, "KATHY!" from across the parking lot. There was Jay. My favourite human. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of me. We left the Amway Arena at 7pm after having been on the go for 16 hours and we ate a big, dirty feed at Longhorn. We went back to the hotel where Nevin not only let us share his hotel room but he slept on the fold out couch so I could have the big comfy bed. He cursed American Idol and offered to burn down the Amway. I declined his offer but appreciated it. I took a hot bath, made some tea and began to read all of the facebook comments and messages I had received throughout the day. Overwhelmed by love and support I climbed into bed at 9:30, sleeping like a rock until 6:30 this morning.
On the drive home, Jay and talked about how hard life would have been if I had made it on the show. We talked about all of the things we would miss about the way our lives are now. I shuttered at the thought of being away from my family.
The song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds came on the Ipod while we were driving:
"...And in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize and I know that I am the luckiest."
That's how I felt when Jay finally found me outside of the arena. Overwhelmingly in love with my life, just the way it is.
I don't regret trying out...in fact, I think I was meant to. I never have to wonder what would have happened and the experience gave me a brand new appreciation for everything I already have and an excitement for the future God has for me.
In the end, I didn't win but I did live happily ever after. The End.
I dreamed that I was at the American Idol auditions and I found a wad of money on the ground. People told me to keep it, but I turned it in. I waited a long time to audition but then never got the chance to.
Now about the actual day: It all began at 3:30am when the alarm went off. After getting ready, Jay and I hit the road at 4:30am. We were stuck in American Idol traffic until about 5:45am. After finding a place to park and walking to the arena from the parking lot, we arrived at about 6:30am. The camera's were rolling, catching all of the craziness as it unfolded. Michael Jackson look-alikes, drag queens, Zorro, cat woman, a Caucasian man with full Indian head dress on...then there were the guitar players, strumming and singing loudly all around us...the wanna-be diva's, SCREAMING power ballads...the smell of hair spray, perfume and pot filled the air. We stood outside for about 2 more hours, watching Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell interview people for the TV guide channel. Once the doors opened, everyone flocked to their seats in the arena. It was packed. about 12,000 people, if not more.
Once seated we had to sing the song 'Heartbreaker' as a group. We did this about 10 times while they filmed us..then we had to do the wave and say in unison, "I'm going to Disney World. Woo." I felt like a performing monkey.
Then Nigel Lythgoe took the microphone and explained the process. On the floor of the arena they set up 12 tables, separated by curtains. We would be called by sections, seperated into groups of 4, and audition at one of the 12 tables. When it was time for us to approach the judge's table we were told (and I quote):
"Do not shake our hand. Do not introduce yourself, where you are from or what your name is. Just step forward and when the judge points to you, sing."
Alrighty then.
We were sitting in section 119. They announced that they would begin auditioning with section 120 and would be working clockwise around the arena. My jaw dropped. We were going to be dead last. Last, out of 12,000 people. Ugh.
The auditioning began around 9:30am. I practiced, we ate, we walked around, we walked around some more, we sat, we fell asleep sitting up, I updated my facebook status 100 times...It was a LONG day. We watched as hopefuls took their turn in front of the judges. It was mass chaos of singing and drama. If you were told 'yes' you were given a golden ticket and sent through the winners exit. If you were told 'no' you were stripped of your yellow, paper bracelet and sent through the losers exit. About one person every five minutes received a golden ticket but the majority were told, "Thanks, but no thanks."
I watched people with AMAZING voices walk through the dreaded losers exit. Some were lucky enough to earn the golden ticket. I watched a lot of crazy people with costumes walk through the winners exit. About an hour before I auditioned, a transvestite with a long, blond wig and a mini-dress made it through and Jay said, 'If he makes it and you don't, I'm going to be so ticked."
He made it. I didn't. Jay was so ticked.
As I sat there for extended periods of time, watching the craziness, listening to the hopefuls, one thought ran through my head over and over:
"I wonder what Caden is doing right now?"
I missed him. I've left him before...I've left him for many nights consecutively before..but this was different. I began to think about what life would be like if I made it all the way in this competition...how I would miss Caden's 4th birthday...how someone else would be watching my little boy, someone else would know his routine, someone else would be his protector, teacher and guardian. I remembered how much Jay and I have sacrificed for me to stay home and I began stressing about what my life would be like if I won. I looked around and saw people stressed about not making it and here I was stressed about getting through!
Auditions were taking forever until about 4 sections away from us. Then they seemed to speed up. It was about 5pm and it seemed as though they weren't letting anyone through at this point. Very few golden tickets.
I made my way to the bathroom one last time before my section was called and on my way there the girl in front of me accidentally dropped a wad of cash and kept on walking. A few people saw it happen but did nothing. I picked it up and called out to her, "Excuse me, you dropped some money."
She turned around and said, "Wow, thanks. I didn't even notice."
She seemed surprised at my honesty, thanked me again and walked away. I walked into the bathroom and suddenly froze. I remembered my dream. I ran back to the auditorium to tell Jay about it. His first response was, "Weird! How did your dream end?!?!"
I hesitated but said quietly, "I didn't get to audition."
Jay noted how angry he would be if they cut things off after having waited around all day but soon enough it was section 119's turn to audition and I headed towards the floor. Jay had to stay in the stands but based on my exit, he would know whether I lost or won.
I lined up with 3 other people. Benny was on my right. He was the strangest person I've ever met. He had no song prepared and asked me to teach him, 'Oh Happy Day' while walking towards the judge. I tried to sing it for him but told him he really needed to sing something he knew. He insisted 'Oh Happy Day' would be a good choice. I felt bad for him but wanted to slap him at the same time. How could you not have a song prepared, Benny!
Then there was a tall Asian guy named J.P next to me and a pretty blond girl on the end. They were really nice and came with a large group from their church in south Florida to audition. Their friends were scattered throughout the audition tables. One of their friends was a short, chubby guy with thick, black glasses. He auditioned at the table next to us and had one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard.
When we got to our table, the judge didn't look like a judge at all. He was a skinny, pale guy in his 30's who looked like a creep that sold cigarettes to kids or performed illegal tattoos. Not what I was expecting.
The girl on the end leaned over to me and said, "I hope he doesn't stab us if we're bad."
We laughed.
Benny went first and did the most horrible rendition of 'Oh Happy Day' I've ever heard. Poor guy. The judge started day dreaming and starring off into space while he sang. Benny actually got to sing for about 35 seconds because the judge was in la-la land for 30 seconds of it. When he remembered where he was, he stopped Benny and said, "Can you sing another song?"
Benny broke out with Mariah Carey and my heart hurt for him. He was dreadful and he had waited ALL day.
Then it was my turn. I knew he probably wasn't an easy-listening music fan but I stepped forward and began singing, "Moon Shadow" by Cat Stevens because I felt good about it. I was calm and I was doing (in my opinion) a great job. The judge did not make eye contact with me and stopped me two lines in, asking me to sing something else. I had prepared a couple of songs but I figured the one he might like the best was, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, so I started singing that one. He lost interest after the first note, eyes wandering all over the stadium just as they had with Benny. I sang for about 2 more lines and he waved me away. I knew in that moment it was over for me and Benny.
My new friends stepped forward one at a time to sing. They not only had AMAZING voices but amazing looks...and through our conversations I knew that they were there to use the talents God gave them for His glory. In that moment I thought, "If I really want to see God's will done, then I won't care whether He uses me to complete it or somebody else, as long as His will is accomplished."
I knew one of them was going to make it through...but they didn't. Our judge didn't watch any of us sing. He stopped both of them after 10 seconds and asked them to sing different songs. Then he gave them another 10 seconds before cutting them off completely, like he did to me. Benny got the most time out of all of us.
He called the four of us forward and told us, "You all have great voices but you're just not ready. Try singing in front of people, work on it and come back next year."
My dream from a week before was truly prophetic. I never really got a chance to audition.
I walked out with my new friends and Benny. Benny mumbled something like, "I know I'm good, I just got nervous." Poor Benny. He really thought he was.
When we got outside we were joined by literally everyone who had been auditioning for the last 45 minutes. The cameras were put away long before our time came to sing. The cleaning crew were picking up trash and shutting off lights. We stayed all day only to be passed over quickly so the judges could get the heck out of there.
Had I been determined to win, that would have made me CRAZY angry...but I wasn't at that point. I knew I didn't want it. I was a little irritated that the judge grouped my talent in with Benny's with his, 'You all have great voices' comment, but I was satisfied. My prayers were answered. I didn't make it through because it would have been bad for my family.
The losers exit took you straight outside, into the rain. With no bracelet and no ticket, I couldn't get back in so I waited on the losers stairs for 20 minutes for Jay to find me. That was the worst part of the day...wanting Jay and not knowing where he was. I watched everyone walk out of the losers exit, crying, cursing, screaming, bewildered and shocked about not making it. Some had legitimate reasons to be upset. The chubby guy with the glasses who's voice was flawless, joined us on the losers stairs. No one was making it through at this point. I told him his voice was so good it intimidated me and he smiled, gave me a hug and headed home. He should have made it.
Finally I heard a faint, "KATHY!" from across the parking lot. There was Jay. My favourite human. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of me. We left the Amway Arena at 7pm after having been on the go for 16 hours and we ate a big, dirty feed at Longhorn. We went back to the hotel where Nevin not only let us share his hotel room but he slept on the fold out couch so I could have the big comfy bed. He cursed American Idol and offered to burn down the Amway. I declined his offer but appreciated it. I took a hot bath, made some tea and began to read all of the facebook comments and messages I had received throughout the day. Overwhelmed by love and support I climbed into bed at 9:30, sleeping like a rock until 6:30 this morning.
On the drive home, Jay and talked about how hard life would have been if I had made it on the show. We talked about all of the things we would miss about the way our lives are now. I shuttered at the thought of being away from my family.
The song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds came on the Ipod while we were driving:
"...And in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize and I know that I am the luckiest."
That's how I felt when Jay finally found me outside of the arena. Overwhelmingly in love with my life, just the way it is.
I don't regret trying out...in fact, I think I was meant to. I never have to wonder what would have happened and the experience gave me a brand new appreciation for everything I already have and an excitement for the future God has for me.
In the end, I didn't win but I did live happily ever after. The End.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
American Idol
So, I debated going public with this...but I go public with everything else, so I might as well!
Tomorrow morning, Jay and I will be getting up super-dooper early and heading to Orlando for the American Idol auditions.
I am still questioning whether I should do this...Jay said this morning, "Here's how I know you should do it. Because it couldn't be a worse time."
He wasn't being sarcastic.
We're broke, we shouldn't be leaving work after just getting back from vacation and my throat/ears/lungs are filled with the nastiness from the Tallahassee air (every time I go up north and come back, it wreaks havoc on my lungs) but we're going for it anyway!
We register tomorrow and then audition on Thursday. Should be an insane 48 hours but we'll see what happens!
At first I didn't think I could go, because I didn't have anywhere to stay and we couldn't afford a hotel...then, out of nowhere, my good friend Nevin says, "Hey, I'll be in Orlando for a conference in July. I get in on the 8th."
The same day I needed to be there! He has graciously offered for Jay and I to bunk in his hotel room....rub-a-dub-dub, I might be sleeping in the tub, but that's ok! It's a place to stay and I am so thankful for it. Thanks Nevin!
Then I thought about Caden and how we can't leave him for a few days right now...he's not in school for the summer and Amber has to work...there's nowhere for him to go. Then Kelley graciously offered to watch him for us...and Caden LOVES Kelley...so that was one less thing to worry about.
So then I began thinking, "Could that be a coincidence? That my friend from Atlantic Canada is going to be in central Florida the same day I need to be there? That Kelley is available and willing to watch Caden while we're gone?"
Maybe...but maybe not.
On top of that, I've been studying Esther and the process she had to go through in order to be chosen by the King was quite similar to this type of contest (minus sleeping with a King)...the scriptures talk about how she found favor with everyone...even the women she was competing against! There was no reason for Esther to have stuck out like that, except for God's blessing on her, oozing through her pores. God made her appealing to everyone she cam in contact with...she was pleasant to look at but also pleasant to be with...God made her stick out, in a good way.
So that is my prayer. If this is the road God has for me, he will make me stick out in a good way...there will just be something about me that people will like and remember and I'll know it's Him. If this is not what God has for me, I want to blend in like wallpaper. I want to be one of the other girl's in the Esther story...who eventually went back to her family and pursued a different path.
I can't in good faith do this thing without thinking, 'What if I make it all the way? What will that mean for my family? How could this help us? How could this hurt us?'
To be able to make a good living for my family while doing something I love is the main reason I'm doing this...I really have no desire to be a 'star' even though I do love music and really want to make money by doing something I love so much. My drive is for Jay and Caden...and if this lifestyle won't be good for us...if it will keep me away too much...if it will drive a wedge in my family, then I don't want it. I pray to not be good enough and be sent home on Thursday if this path is bad for me and my family. I will honestly be contented either way because I'll know...God has this whole thing in His hands.
But if this is God's road for me, I pray that he would refine the gift He has given me...that His voice will burst through my mouth...that I won't be looked over because I'm wearing a 9 dollar dress...that I'll stick out, in a good way...and that my voice will be a pleasing sound to the judges, the producers and most importantly, to Him.
So pray for me. Pray for confidence, pray against fear. Pray that I'll be in the right place and the right time...and that God's will is done...whether that means a 'golden ticket' or a scenic drive back to Tallahassee.
Thanks friends! I'm off to see Ryan Seacrest!
Tomorrow morning, Jay and I will be getting up super-dooper early and heading to Orlando for the American Idol auditions.
I am still questioning whether I should do this...Jay said this morning, "Here's how I know you should do it. Because it couldn't be a worse time."
He wasn't being sarcastic.
We're broke, we shouldn't be leaving work after just getting back from vacation and my throat/ears/lungs are filled with the nastiness from the Tallahassee air (every time I go up north and come back, it wreaks havoc on my lungs) but we're going for it anyway!
We register tomorrow and then audition on Thursday. Should be an insane 48 hours but we'll see what happens!
At first I didn't think I could go, because I didn't have anywhere to stay and we couldn't afford a hotel...then, out of nowhere, my good friend Nevin says, "Hey, I'll be in Orlando for a conference in July. I get in on the 8th."
The same day I needed to be there! He has graciously offered for Jay and I to bunk in his hotel room....rub-a-dub-dub, I might be sleeping in the tub, but that's ok! It's a place to stay and I am so thankful for it. Thanks Nevin!
Then I thought about Caden and how we can't leave him for a few days right now...he's not in school for the summer and Amber has to work...there's nowhere for him to go. Then Kelley graciously offered to watch him for us...and Caden LOVES Kelley...so that was one less thing to worry about.
So then I began thinking, "Could that be a coincidence? That my friend from Atlantic Canada is going to be in central Florida the same day I need to be there? That Kelley is available and willing to watch Caden while we're gone?"
Maybe...but maybe not.
On top of that, I've been studying Esther and the process she had to go through in order to be chosen by the King was quite similar to this type of contest (minus sleeping with a King)...the scriptures talk about how she found favor with everyone...even the women she was competing against! There was no reason for Esther to have stuck out like that, except for God's blessing on her, oozing through her pores. God made her appealing to everyone she cam in contact with...she was pleasant to look at but also pleasant to be with...God made her stick out, in a good way.
So that is my prayer. If this is the road God has for me, he will make me stick out in a good way...there will just be something about me that people will like and remember and I'll know it's Him. If this is not what God has for me, I want to blend in like wallpaper. I want to be one of the other girl's in the Esther story...who eventually went back to her family and pursued a different path.
I can't in good faith do this thing without thinking, 'What if I make it all the way? What will that mean for my family? How could this help us? How could this hurt us?'
To be able to make a good living for my family while doing something I love is the main reason I'm doing this...I really have no desire to be a 'star' even though I do love music and really want to make money by doing something I love so much. My drive is for Jay and Caden...and if this lifestyle won't be good for us...if it will keep me away too much...if it will drive a wedge in my family, then I don't want it. I pray to not be good enough and be sent home on Thursday if this path is bad for me and my family. I will honestly be contented either way because I'll know...God has this whole thing in His hands.
But if this is God's road for me, I pray that he would refine the gift He has given me...that His voice will burst through my mouth...that I won't be looked over because I'm wearing a 9 dollar dress...that I'll stick out, in a good way...and that my voice will be a pleasing sound to the judges, the producers and most importantly, to Him.
So pray for me. Pray for confidence, pray against fear. Pray that I'll be in the right place and the right time...and that God's will is done...whether that means a 'golden ticket' or a scenic drive back to Tallahassee.
Thanks friends! I'm off to see Ryan Seacrest!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Happy Canerica Week!
July 1 - Canada Day. Celebrated by defending my right to be a citizen of a country other than America, was told several times to 'go back to Canada', drank Tim Horton's hot chocolate, wore my annual red and white bandanna and ate way too many fudgeeo's. All in all, a typical Canada Day celebration for me. Good times.
July 4 - America Day. We are about to head to Sopchoppy for our annual 4th of July celebration with the Vandegrift's. I will swim in my first Florida lake, go to the parade, enjoy the festivities in the park and the fireworks after the sun goes down. It's bound to be a super fun day!
Happy Canerica Week Everyone!
Friday, July 03, 2009
Mean Girls
I've been wanting to write on this topic for a long time...years really...but it's a touchy one. It's a touchy one, because it involves me and it involves relationships I had/have and the last thing I wanted was for someone to read this and wonder, "Is she talking about me?"
But then I got to thinking...The answer is 'yes'. At least if you're a girl...because every single one of us has a mean streak. You know what I'm talking about. It's the reason why relationships with other women are SO hard. I know they are for me, I assume they can be for you too.
Women can be TERRIBLE to other women.
Although we can all have a mean streak, not all of us are 'mean girls'. Beth Moore laid out four facts about meanness in her Esther study guide.
1) Meanness always has a history.
-It doesn't just spring up out of nowhere. Hurt people, hurt people and often times the mean girl (although inexcusable) has been a victim of meanness herself.
2) Meanness perceives a threat.
-That's why girls are mean to other girls. They are threatened by them. Insecurity is at the heart of every rivalry. Anger is power to those who don't think they have any other source of it.
3)Meanness catches like a virus.
-Ever notice how nothing makes you meaner than a mean girl? Think about it.
4) Meanness is curable.
-Thank God! (Romans 12:17-21) Don't repay evil with evil. Nothing combats meanness like love and sometimes you just need to walk away from relationships that are toxic with anger and meanness.
Beth also listed three of the qualities (not an exhaustive list) she thinks best describes a mean girl and I couldn't agree more. I wanted to share them because I think they are accurate and brilliant.
1) A mean girl will let you hang out with her as long as you remember it is all about her.
2) A mean girl will dig at other girl's but never admit to it or apologize for it.
3) A mean girl dresses provocatively around other women's men, men that they have no actual interest in. They just want the satisfaction of diverting his eyes from his wife, to her.(To which Beth added: Ladies, keep your breasts to yourself!)
As a married woman and a stay-at-home mom, I struggle constantly with fitting in with groups of mother's and other women. I need the company, opinions and understanding of other mom's but I fear the pain and 'meanness' that can lie within groups of women. Like grade 12 all over again, where I took refuge in the few non-mean girls I could find and had many guy friends. I cherish my male friendships. At least with guys you know where you stand.
The polite 'digs', the obsession with weight and perfection, the gossip, the judgement. It's tough being a woman amongst other women.
So my challenge (or my plea) is to rid yourself of the meanness. Whether it's within you or within someone you have a relationship with. Confront it with love and walk away from it...even if that means walking away from an individual who may not understand why you're doing what you're doing.
But then I got to thinking...The answer is 'yes'. At least if you're a girl...because every single one of us has a mean streak. You know what I'm talking about. It's the reason why relationships with other women are SO hard. I know they are for me, I assume they can be for you too.
Women can be TERRIBLE to other women.
Although we can all have a mean streak, not all of us are 'mean girls'. Beth Moore laid out four facts about meanness in her Esther study guide.
1) Meanness always has a history.
-It doesn't just spring up out of nowhere. Hurt people, hurt people and often times the mean girl (although inexcusable) has been a victim of meanness herself.
2) Meanness perceives a threat.
-That's why girls are mean to other girls. They are threatened by them. Insecurity is at the heart of every rivalry. Anger is power to those who don't think they have any other source of it.
3)Meanness catches like a virus.
-Ever notice how nothing makes you meaner than a mean girl? Think about it.
4) Meanness is curable.
-Thank God! (Romans 12:17-21) Don't repay evil with evil. Nothing combats meanness like love and sometimes you just need to walk away from relationships that are toxic with anger and meanness.
Beth also listed three of the qualities (not an exhaustive list) she thinks best describes a mean girl and I couldn't agree more. I wanted to share them because I think they are accurate and brilliant.
1) A mean girl will let you hang out with her as long as you remember it is all about her.
2) A mean girl will dig at other girl's but never admit to it or apologize for it.
3) A mean girl dresses provocatively around other women's men, men that they have no actual interest in. They just want the satisfaction of diverting his eyes from his wife, to her.(To which Beth added: Ladies, keep your breasts to yourself!)
As a married woman and a stay-at-home mom, I struggle constantly with fitting in with groups of mother's and other women. I need the company, opinions and understanding of other mom's but I fear the pain and 'meanness' that can lie within groups of women. Like grade 12 all over again, where I took refuge in the few non-mean girls I could find and had many guy friends. I cherish my male friendships. At least with guys you know where you stand.
The polite 'digs', the obsession with weight and perfection, the gossip, the judgement. It's tough being a woman amongst other women.
So my challenge (or my plea) is to rid yourself of the meanness. Whether it's within you or within someone you have a relationship with. Confront it with love and walk away from it...even if that means walking away from an individual who may not understand why you're doing what you're doing.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Caden's Favourite Videos on Youtube (in his words)
"Watch da Gomilla pway da dwums pwease?"
"Sandwiches need to say"
"Elmo going to Bed"
"Sandwiches need to say"
"Elmo going to Bed"
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Inching Towards Freedom
I'll be honest about some things I've been dealing with over the last few months.
A few weeks before Easter I began feeling very disconnected from God and I began to feel out-of-place at church. I can't explain the feeling...an internal chaos that led to shut down is as close as I can come to describing it accurately. Easter was a difficult day for me. I left church feeling...weird. It didn't feel like Easter. It didn't feel right. I know 'feelings' are not what it is all about but it just didn't 'feel' right to me...I began a journey to a strange emotional and spiritual place. A place I've never really been before.
As weeks have turned into months, I find myself more and more chaotic in my spirit and less and less connected...I literally feel my brain churning when I try to research and learn the things of God...like they are too big for me to understand, like I've had it wrong for a long time. I've become frustrated with the lack of black and white's when it comes to who God is and what He's about....instead, I find myself wallowing in a sea of grey and I've honestly been wondering if the God I thought I knew is really the way He is at all.
I haven't questioned His existence or my need for Him. If anything, my spiritual situation has affirmed both to me, but I've felt that with each passing day, a new layer of spiritual chains have been wrapped around my heart and I find myself unable to move. Unable to move closer, unable to move away. Just stuck.
I don't know if this makes any sense, or if anyone can relate, but I (for the first time I can remember) am sensing a very real spiritual attack on my life. It is as though I can feel the breath of evil, negativity, fear. My self image has been completely construed and a once confident woman is becoming pathetically insecure. I realize this is very transparent...but writing my thoughts are the only way they make sense to me and I believe I can't be the only one who has experienced this type of spiritual turmoil.
The constraints on my spirit have left me with an inability to pray like I use to...a spiritual laziness I guess...and in place of the peace I've always clung to has descended a spirit of anger, insecurity and despair.
It's not as desperate as it sounds I suppose...I haven't had to medicate myself or hide in the dark due to an inability to function, but I have felt somewhat disabled...all the while ,the chaos of trying to figure out who God is and what He's all about (after YEARS of having a relationship with Him) has caused me extreme mental fatigue. In all honesty, it's easier to sleep or distract myself with other things than to face this thing head on...and that's what I've been doing until now. I've begun to wrestle like Jacob.
A few weeks ago my friend Abby asked me if I wanted to attend a Beth Moore bible study with her on 'Esther'. I was excited. Just what I needed. A structured, fail-proof bible study with an accountability partner. I jumped on board.
I love Beth Moore and this study has been great. When I went to Canada, I brought the workbook with the intention of doing my 'homework' but I didn't crack the cover. I also missed two of the video weeks. The distraction of family and friends was a welcome one and I honestly didn't have time to think about anything else but those who were around me.
Coming back to Florida was hard because I a) missed my family and my home and b) had to face myself during periods of silence again...a self I haven't been a huge fan of lately.
I've been feeling much better this week about coming back to FL. Not as sad or desperate for home like I was 48 hours post-landing but the thickness of my spiritual crisis is still very evident.
Tonight, I went to my first Esther bible study in three weeks. Abby couldn't come and I debated going myself but I knew it would be for my benefit so I went alone.
I sat in a room with a bunch of women I don't know and began watching a message that must have been custom spoken for me. I'm not that arrogant, but I can't imagine it being a coincidence.
AMAZING! She spoke about being brave, about facing our fears about how we are never one mistake away from God leaving us. He's waiting for us to figure it out and get our act together and that although he is readily available and loving, sometimes our complacency and poor decisions can cause us to miss His calling. I don't ever want to miss His calling.
Then she spoke about herself...her battles over the last 14 months and amazingly, they matched mine! This amazing woman of God was dealing with junk I was dealing with! Working through issues I've been ashamed to admit. She challenged us to walk through our worst case scenarios and as I did, I felt the chains breaking...like the links on my spiritual hand cuffs were starting to bend and snap...not all the way, but enough to gain movement...enough to make a difference, a start.
My eyes welled with tears (those of you who know me, know I'm not a cryer) and I quickly dried them to avoid awkward looks from a room full of strangers but I felt something! SOMETHING! Something other than fatigue and frustration. SOMETHING...and I'm clinging to it, desperately.
As she closed her lesson she prayed, "God, we will be tested on this very thing in 24 hours...remind us of this moment."
I need that...I need those moments to carry me through the 'real life' ones. I need the reminder...and I am realizing that my problem boils down to two very specific things: A lack of peace due to a lack of unconditional trust.
Trusting that God is good regardless...trusting that when I am in Him, He is in me. Trusting in the greater good...trusting that even if my worst fears come to pass, He'll pick me up and we'll start over, together. Trusting that I'm worthy of Him.
I have no idea if this makes sense and honestly, it may be TMI. Who knows.
I don't like to talk about things, I like to write about them. I'm not a talker...I'm a writer...so I write these things for my benefit and the benefit of anyone who needs to hear them.
I am still at a stand still as to how I feel about organized church, living in the bible belt and man made doctrine, but I am beginning to think that's OK...perhaps I am moving closer to Him because of these questions and 'feelings'.
I'm excited about popping out of these cuffs...and raising my hands passionately towards Heaven when I do. I may be limping, but I'll be better for it.
A few weeks before Easter I began feeling very disconnected from God and I began to feel out-of-place at church. I can't explain the feeling...an internal chaos that led to shut down is as close as I can come to describing it accurately. Easter was a difficult day for me. I left church feeling...weird. It didn't feel like Easter. It didn't feel right. I know 'feelings' are not what it is all about but it just didn't 'feel' right to me...I began a journey to a strange emotional and spiritual place. A place I've never really been before.
As weeks have turned into months, I find myself more and more chaotic in my spirit and less and less connected...I literally feel my brain churning when I try to research and learn the things of God...like they are too big for me to understand, like I've had it wrong for a long time. I've become frustrated with the lack of black and white's when it comes to who God is and what He's about....instead, I find myself wallowing in a sea of grey and I've honestly been wondering if the God I thought I knew is really the way He is at all.
I haven't questioned His existence or my need for Him. If anything, my spiritual situation has affirmed both to me, but I've felt that with each passing day, a new layer of spiritual chains have been wrapped around my heart and I find myself unable to move. Unable to move closer, unable to move away. Just stuck.
I don't know if this makes any sense, or if anyone can relate, but I (for the first time I can remember) am sensing a very real spiritual attack on my life. It is as though I can feel the breath of evil, negativity, fear. My self image has been completely construed and a once confident woman is becoming pathetically insecure. I realize this is very transparent...but writing my thoughts are the only way they make sense to me and I believe I can't be the only one who has experienced this type of spiritual turmoil.
The constraints on my spirit have left me with an inability to pray like I use to...a spiritual laziness I guess...and in place of the peace I've always clung to has descended a spirit of anger, insecurity and despair.
It's not as desperate as it sounds I suppose...I haven't had to medicate myself or hide in the dark due to an inability to function, but I have felt somewhat disabled...all the while ,the chaos of trying to figure out who God is and what He's all about (after YEARS of having a relationship with Him) has caused me extreme mental fatigue. In all honesty, it's easier to sleep or distract myself with other things than to face this thing head on...and that's what I've been doing until now. I've begun to wrestle like Jacob.
A few weeks ago my friend Abby asked me if I wanted to attend a Beth Moore bible study with her on 'Esther'. I was excited. Just what I needed. A structured, fail-proof bible study with an accountability partner. I jumped on board.
I love Beth Moore and this study has been great. When I went to Canada, I brought the workbook with the intention of doing my 'homework' but I didn't crack the cover. I also missed two of the video weeks. The distraction of family and friends was a welcome one and I honestly didn't have time to think about anything else but those who were around me.
Coming back to Florida was hard because I a) missed my family and my home and b) had to face myself during periods of silence again...a self I haven't been a huge fan of lately.
I've been feeling much better this week about coming back to FL. Not as sad or desperate for home like I was 48 hours post-landing but the thickness of my spiritual crisis is still very evident.
Tonight, I went to my first Esther bible study in three weeks. Abby couldn't come and I debated going myself but I knew it would be for my benefit so I went alone.
I sat in a room with a bunch of women I don't know and began watching a message that must have been custom spoken for me. I'm not that arrogant, but I can't imagine it being a coincidence.
AMAZING! She spoke about being brave, about facing our fears about how we are never one mistake away from God leaving us. He's waiting for us to figure it out and get our act together and that although he is readily available and loving, sometimes our complacency and poor decisions can cause us to miss His calling. I don't ever want to miss His calling.
Then she spoke about herself...her battles over the last 14 months and amazingly, they matched mine! This amazing woman of God was dealing with junk I was dealing with! Working through issues I've been ashamed to admit. She challenged us to walk through our worst case scenarios and as I did, I felt the chains breaking...like the links on my spiritual hand cuffs were starting to bend and snap...not all the way, but enough to gain movement...enough to make a difference, a start.
My eyes welled with tears (those of you who know me, know I'm not a cryer) and I quickly dried them to avoid awkward looks from a room full of strangers but I felt something! SOMETHING! Something other than fatigue and frustration. SOMETHING...and I'm clinging to it, desperately.
As she closed her lesson she prayed, "God, we will be tested on this very thing in 24 hours...remind us of this moment."
I need that...I need those moments to carry me through the 'real life' ones. I need the reminder...and I am realizing that my problem boils down to two very specific things: A lack of peace due to a lack of unconditional trust.
Trusting that God is good regardless...trusting that when I am in Him, He is in me. Trusting in the greater good...trusting that even if my worst fears come to pass, He'll pick me up and we'll start over, together. Trusting that I'm worthy of Him.
I have no idea if this makes sense and honestly, it may be TMI. Who knows.
I don't like to talk about things, I like to write about them. I'm not a talker...I'm a writer...so I write these things for my benefit and the benefit of anyone who needs to hear them.
I am still at a stand still as to how I feel about organized church, living in the bible belt and man made doctrine, but I am beginning to think that's OK...perhaps I am moving closer to Him because of these questions and 'feelings'.
I'm excited about popping out of these cuffs...and raising my hands passionately towards Heaven when I do. I may be limping, but I'll be better for it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Prayers
My friend Amy who just got married last week was on her honeymoon with her husband Jon and received the news that Jon's father passed away. He had been suffering from a long battle with pancreatic cancer. Jon and Amy were on a cruise but are about to board a plane in the Cayman Islands to head back to Newfoundland today. Please pray for the Hilliard Family. It was a blessing that Jon's father was able to be present at Amy and Jon's wedding. The family has known this day would be coming soon but it is still a terrible tragedy that leaves behind hurting loved ones. Pray for peace, comfort and safety for Jon and Amy as they travel back home to Newfoundland today.
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