So much it hurts

This is a spin off of Stephanie's comment on my last blog. I was thinking of writing about this the other day but never got around to it. Stephanie's comment reminded me that maybe I should share my thoughts on this subject. Thanks Stephanie.
I love my family so much that it literally hurts my tummy sometimes when I think about it. Almost like nervous pangs in the pit of my gut when I think about how lucky I am and how wonderful they are. When I try to actually fathom the love I have for them, I either physically hurt or want to cry because I don't think my body can handle focusing in on all of that love.
I put my baby boy to bed early tonight because we have to get up really early for church and about 2 hours after he went to sleep I wanted to wake him up again because I missed him so much. I think I'm addicted to him. He is amazing. So sweet and pure and innocent and calming. When I put my face next to his he smiles and touches my hair and face gently and softly says, "Whooooooo, Awwwww." Which translates into: "I love you mommy." Everyday with him is more fun, beautiful, memorable, cherished and treasured then the one before. Every beautiful moment has a tinge of sadness to it, knowing that everyday he gets older and more independent...everyday brings him closer to saying, "Gross, don't kiss me in front of my friends mom!" But it's the same in reverse. Every moment of stress and fatigue is overshadowed by the joy of being his mother. Everyday brings me closer to hearing him call me 'Mom' and to hearing him say 'I love you'.
Everyday Jason and Caden grow closer and develop a deep bond that is strictly thiers. They look at eachother with an understanding. You can see in Caden's face that he knows Jason is like him. He watches him intently all of the time as though he is studying how to be a man. It makes me happy to know my son has a wonderful role model of how a Christian, husband and father should be. It also warms my heart to see my great big husband pick out baby toys at Target.
When I think about how amazing my marriage is and how much love and respect we have for eachother I can't contain it. I praise God with every fiber of my being for it. Some people are not as fortunate as me to be married to their best friend. Others are not as fortunate to have healthy, happy children.
We may live in an apartment for a long time, we may always be a one car family, we may never have the things that other people have but we have something much, much greater.
Thinking about it overwhelms me.

Melissa Mae

I've decided to write a blog about my sister. I only have one sister. Her name is Melissa. She is 3 years older than me. Melissa and I shared a bedroom for the first 10 years of my life. These were fun and excruciating years. We played hard, we fought hard. There was plenty of hair braiding and hair pulling. We would act silly, and beat eachother silly. Brothers had nothing on us. We were rough.
I wouldn't characterize Melissa and I as 'friends' growing up...and I don't know that she would either. I was the annoying little sister who hated doing chores and was content to live in a dirty, clutter filled room....Melissa was slightly more anal when it came to our living quarters. She purged her things every Spring and had a yard sale. I could never understand why I never got any of the money...not recognizing that I refused to sell any of my stuff and did none of the work.
Whenever we played "Jobs" (a game in which we picked whatever profession we wanted and acted it out) Melissa would always pick a secretary. The girl lived for organization. Funny that she ended up getting a diploma in Business Administration. Melissa and I were polar opposites. Night and day.
It wasn't until Melissa moved out that we became friends...I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. Melissa moved to the big city and suddenly I found myself really wanting to visit her. I'd go in on the bus and stay at her house. We'd watch movies and eat and hang out and have an awesome time with eachother. We changed from being sisters, squatters in eachothers territories, to being friends. When I moved away from home, Melissa moved back in...so the opposite happened. Melissa would come into town to stay with me and I always looked forward to it. Eventually we ended up renting together for a couple of months and it was a really great time. We'd be the best of friends...but funny enough when we'd go home to our parents house for visits we would fight like cats and dogs again...i guess for old times sake.
As we get older, we get closer...physically we couldn't be further away, but we appreciate eachother more with each passing year. Melissa treats me better then I deserve after pestering her within an inch of her life as a child.
Melissa is hysterically funny. She makes me laugh, usually without realizing what she's saying. She always remembers every birthday and anniversary. She loves my Son more than I could ever ask her to. She is always faithful in calling me and checking on me. When Melissa came to visit me after I had Caden, she worked her tail off for me the entire week she was here. She washed and made every bottle, she stayed up with him at night, she changed him, bathed him, dressed him up...all out of love for me. She re-organized all of his drawers, his closet, she cleaned everything twice over...her love language is helping and working to make life easier for the people she cares for.
Why am I writing this? Because I don't like saying this stuff in person...and my life has become so busy that I rarely get a chance to talk to my dear siser. I want Melissa to know that I think about her everyday, I pray for her, I appreciate her and I thank God for her.
I miss you and can't wait to see you. Don't ever think my absence is a lack of caring...it's more like a lack of quiet time to actually make a phone call. When life slows down, we'll chat more. I promise.
Thanks for being you.

Football smells bad

Football season is back. Ugh. I am now a football widow.
I have decided to wear black nail polish. No, I'm not turning goth....I promise you it's the new look in Hollywood. I'm not usually one to buy into the latest trends, or even know what they are, but this one caught my attention and I really like it. I sported my new nails for the first time yesterday at church and they were a hit....mostly with pre-teen girls who aren't allowed to wear nail polish but hey, I'll take whatever compliments I can get!
I got to lead a song in worship yesterday morning. There's nothing quite like the sound of people's voices being raised towards heaven. God showed up as usual and the services were amazing. I'm so thankful for my church. So purpose driven. I can't say enough about how thankful I am to be able to raise my child in this type of environment.
Caden is fabulous. He turned 6 months today. He'll be crawling anyday now. Right now he frog leaps from place to place. He's the funniest, happiest, smartest baby I've ever seen...but of course I'm slightly biased. He has discovered green beans and carrots...we will be doing peas soon...oh the excitement. Now when he throws up it's not so easy to conceal. Such is life.
Steve Erwin, the Crocodile Hunter, died today in a freak sting-ray accident. Made me sad. He has three small kids. Pray for them.
I was watching 'Tyra' today...Tyra Banks' new talk show...made me ashamed of being female. Then I changed the channel.
The pretty camera that our friend Dean Dugger gave us about a year ago has died. Makes me sad. This camera was beautiful...but now it must go to it's techno-grave. We're getting a new one this weekend. It will be a Nikon like the other one, but much smaller with less bells and whistles. It's a pretty one though. So teeny, tiny yet packed with features. I'm excited.
Ok, this is getting very long and random so I will close with this. Everyone who reads this needs to pray this prayer right now on behalf of my friends John and Julie Osteig.
"Dear Jesus. Please let John and Julie's baby girl arrive very soon, safe and sound and perfect....tonight or tomorrow preferably. Your will be done. Amen."

Folding Laundry

Folding laundry made me smile today. Not only does my hamper consist of men and women's clothing belonging to two people who love eachother dearly, but now in the mix there are hooded towels, blue onesies and socks the size of finger puppets. It's funny how something as simple as folding your laundry can make you so thankful for your life.

Don't be nasty

This message is for people, like myself, who call themselves 'christians' and are desperatly trying to live a holy life....I have a plea, something that God has laid on my heart lately....Don't be nasty.
What do I mean by this?
Don't be the one who makes the store clerk feel bad because they don't have what you need in stock. Don't be the one who talks down to the waiter because your food (which they themselves did not actually prepare) is too cold, too spicey, too whatever. Don't stick up your middle finger in traffic and then raise your hands on Sunday morning, because the person you gestured to on Saturday afternoon might be sitting behind you on Sunday morning thinking, "If she's what a Christian should be, then I don't want any part of it."
Don't use xanga, blogger, myspace, HI5 or whatever website/online journal you have to publically humiliate or hurt people's feelings. Gossip is damaging enough, but public slander is just crossing the line, no matter how annonymous you think you're being.
Do whatever you can to get closure in your life, even when people have done nothing but kick you in the face, even when they lie about you, even when the entire world is against you, find peace and acceptence in the arms of Christ because if you don't, you'll always be miserable, angry and in the midst of your own pity party. Hurt people, hurt people.
Don't be nasty because when you are, it makes Christ look bad and you have no right to do that. Don't talk about how much you love Christ and hate anyone who's ever hurt you in the same breath. The whole, "You'll know them by their fruits" thing is absolutly true.
Don't be nasty. Forgive people. Quit blowing up the poor me balloons and look at your blessings. If you have a problem with someone, talk to them. Don't email them about it. Too much is lost in translation.
Don't be nasty. No matter how entitled you feel you are...being a Christ follower means denying yourself the right to be rude even when you have the perfect opportunity. Don't be known as that person that no one should cross.
Don't be nasty. I know that's not a commandment, but it's a request from a fellow Christian because every word you say and everything you do is being watch by a world that wants every opportunity to say, "Christians are all hypocrits!"
Don't let them be right...

Like Mother, Like Son....a wanna-be diet pepsi addict

"Just sitting here minding my own business....Mmmmm is that diept Pepsi I see?"

"Maybe I can reach it..."

"Almost there...."

"Oh no! I've been caught!"

"Come on Mom, how can you be mad at face like this?!?!"

The 'Thing'

Tonight the freakiest thing that has ever happened to me, happened to me.
I leave worship band practice, it's about 9:45, and I head down the highway to the nearest gas station to fill up. The song, "Bringing Sexy Back" is on the radio, which my friend Leksie and I love to make fun of, so I call her and we laugh about the stupid song. I keep talking to her as I fill up the car with gas, get in it, and pull out of the gas station, onto the highway, heading home.
All of a sudden I feel the sensation of something crawling up my leg on the outside of my jeans....almost like a huge crab...and then it pinches/bites me. I freak out and scream into the phone, smacking the 'thing' off of my pants and pulling off the street. Praise God there was no one behind me because I slammed on the brakes in panic. I jump out of the car and stand there completely stunned, having hung up on Leksie who must think I have wrecked or something, I try and regain my composure to look for the 'thing' when suddenly I feel it crawling on my back. It really bites me this time (i have the scars to prove it!) I freak out again, this time in full view of anyone driving by, and I slap it off of my back and onto the ground. I could barely see it because it landed behind the car and it was dark, but I could see that it was upside down with all of its feet in the air and it was the size of my fist. By this time I am standing in the middle of the road, trying to be as far away from it as possible, but then realize that it's probably safer to stand next to the 'thing' then to be hit by a car so I hold my breath and step on the 'thing'. It doesn't even crunch under my foot! So then I panicked and kick it off into the grass.
Now I have a wild imagination, and could not for the life of me bring myself to get back in my car without having it thoroughly checked. I mean, initially I felt this 'thing' on my leg....then in the middle of my back..so in my mind, there had to be two of them. There was no way I was getting back in there. I call Jerad, the music pastor at our church, to see if he is still close by and if he can come check my car, but he doesn't pick up his phone. I call Dave, the british bass player, because even though he left early, I knew he would have a phone number for someone who could help me. I explain to him in broken sentences what happened,
"Dave...this thing...crawled up my leg...i think it bit..there might be two...I need someone to come look....it was gross...."
Confused, he told me to hang tight, and he calls Lance, the electric guitar player. Lance then calls me. I repeat my broken, non-sensical statements to him and luckily, he is close by and he comes to search for 'thing' #2. He shows up, then Mike the other electric guitar player shows up and they very kindly search my very messy car all over in search of thing #2. Much to their dissapointment and my delight, no thing #2 was found. Thing #1 must have made the journey from my leg to my back in record time. Thanks Lance for coming to the rescue!
I drove with the dome light on the entire way home, slapping myself repeadily whenever I thought I felt something on me... I still feel like there are bugs all over me. Man, I am the worst person for that to happen to, and the worst thing is that I'll never know what it was, except that it was huge and it left a large welt on my back, either with it's pinchers or it's fangs. Darn that 'thing'! Darn it to heck!

Did I forget to mention this....

I forgot to tell you all about the amazing suprise party my husband planned and threw for me on my birthday! It was awesome....no pics cause I didn't know to bring my camera and my friends slacked off! Just kidding, they were all awesome and in on it. I kind of knew it was going to happen but played dumb. After it was all over Jay and I laughed about how poorly he keeps secrets but it was still an amazing night.
We were suppose to go to Carabba's but Jay said he had arranged a babysitter who was meeting us at the Olive Garden...(that's kind of when everything fell apart, because that was his hilarious excuse to get us to the restaraunt) so we go in and there are like 30 of our friends there...they missed their 'suprise' cue which was also hysterical and we had an awesome night. It was overwhelming to be surrounded by such awesome people on the big 23. My husband is amazing. I don't deserve him but I'm not going to question it, I'm just going to be thankful. He comes home tomorrow...We're pathedic, it's been less then 48 hours and we're missing eachother so much. I can't imagine how military women do it. Especially those with children. To go for months upon months without their soul mate by their side...to raise their children alone and have no soft place to fall when things get crazy. For some reason that's been on my mind the last couple of days. We should all pray for them. I know that is incredibly random but I think it's important...sometimes God lays random things on your heart and you just gotta pray.
Something else incredibly random. I did some baking tonight...banana bread and a new kind of cookie with milk chocolate and pecans in them...amazing! Even though I didn't have brown sugar, I subsititued with regular and it turned out just fine. Ok, it's getting late and I'm getting boring. Chao!

Kathy - Jason = Sadness

Jay is at a trade show in Chicago until Wednesday. I brought him to the airport this morning. Boo hiss. It's only two nights, but I still hate being separated from him. Must come from those long months of long distance dating. Airports always take me back there....ick.
Sunday was our first official service at genesischurch.tv
Lifechurch is now genesischurch.tv and it's location is at a local highschool. It's amazing how this movement is taking over the city. I'm so excited to see what the presence of God is going to do in that highschool. It's going to be awesome.
You can check it out at none other then www.genesischurch.tv. The church has the same name as the website so that everything is easily remembered and accessible to the whole world.
I don't have much to write. Caden is having a rough day. This is the first day ever that I've been paged at the gym to come pick him up from the childcare room because he was yelling his lungs out. He's got a bad rash and a cold so he's just miserable today. He is however gaining weight and that is a huge blessing. He's back on the chart in the 3rd percentile so that's great news.
Pray for his itchy little butt cheeks.

Poopy Feeling

So I have a poopy feeling. I always have a poopy feeling after I do what I did this morning. I was at Publix, buying some groceries and made a mental note to lock the car doors (which I usually don't do) because I had some cash and back deposits in the car. So I get the baby, go in the store, do my thing and return to my car. When I get to my car (excuse the judgment that is about to happen) there was a shady looking character hanging out by my vehicle. She stopped me and said, "Ma'am, I just wanted to let you know that you left your car door wide open when you went in the store and I made sure I got a store manager out here to close the door. I just wanted to let you know that I took care of that for you."
immediately I panicked, "Thank you" I said as I peered in the window of the car to make sure everything was still there. Everything was, so my heart calmed back down. Thinking back, it would have been impossible for me to have made such an error. Then it happened.
"Ma'am my house just recently burned down and I have four kids and I am taking up donations to get back on my feet. Can you spare some money?"
Usually my response to this is, "I'm sorry I don't have any cash" and this is normally true cause I NEVER have cash but I knew three things for sure.
A) She was lying through her teeth. As terrible as that sounds I have been in enough situations like this to know she was not legit.
B) She knew I had cash because she had seen it in my car.
C) If I did not give her money, there was going to be a confrontation. Nothing physical or dangerous, just her trying to make me feel like a monster.
She made reference again to the fact that she had taken care of my car door issue, and to the fact that I must understand her situation since I am a mother (then she asked me if my baby was bi-racial which I'm still trying to figure out...Pale, blonde hair, blue eyed bi-racial baby??) I knew that if I didn't end the situation with some cash, she was going to attempt to make me feel like a bad person and she would have succeeded. So wanting to avoid a confrontation, I hand over 5 bucks, she says, "God Bless you," I watch her pretend to go in the grocery store and then cleverly sneak off down the street....While I'm left to wonder what addiction that money is going to feed.
I know I am coming across as being EXTREMELY judgmental, but certain situations are transparent, even for someone as naive as me. So here I sit feeling poopy. God tells us to give to the poor, he commands us to love. Should I give of my money because it's the right thing to do, regardless of where the funds might end up? In hindsight I should have offered to purchase a publix gift card for her but I've offered this before in similar situations and it's always angrily refused. The truth is I gave because I desperately wanted to avoid an altercation and left the situation feeling, well, poopy.
In the end I prayed that God would allow her to take the money to McDonald's and put it to some good use. I guess when you get to that point, that's all you can do. Sigh.

My Testimony

I've been thinking alot about my life lately...well specifically about my Christian testimony. I was raised in the church where I heard countless testimonies about people who have been plucked from the depths of sin and into the eternal grace of Jesus. As much as these stories are beautiful and worthy of praising God for, I was always left to feel like I had no testimony. This feeling was confirmed by people (mostly Christian friends) who would jestfully mock me for being a 'goody two shoes' who has never done 'anything.' If I had a quarter for everytime someone shook their head at me for not having done 'anything' I would have at least 7 dollars. On many occasions I have left bible studies, church services and various other places where background and salvation experiences are discussed, feeling ashamed for having no regrets. Strange? but it's true. I've either been made to feel niave, immature, out-to-lunch or arrogant for professing God's saving and keeping power over my life from the time I was literally a toddler till now. Here's the truth about me...brutally and honestly....
I have never smoked or even touched a cigarette to my lips. I have tasted alcohol but have never come close to becoming intoxicated. I have only ever been in one serious relationship and I am married to him. I was able to honestly wear white on my wedding day (if you know what I mean). The only thing that I can recall doing behind my parent's backs was sneaking out to a teen dance at a local bar when I was 14 when I spent the night at a friend's house (and for that mom and dad I deeply apologize :)
I have said bad words, I have had a rotten attitude on many, MANY occasions. I have harbored feelings of anger, unforgiveness, selfishness, guilt, jealousy...especially when someone skinny walks by. I pick up litter when no one is looking, I always put my grocery cart in the appropriate place because I fear the wrath of God from my Baptist upbringing (just kidding Dad). I hate doing anything that might get me in trouble. I like to have fun but I find nothing fun in disregarding authority. I am not in any way shape or form an exibitionist and tend to lean more to the side of over-modest in my dress. I like food WAY too much and don't exercise, floss, pray or read my bible as much as I should but I'm getting better at scheduling Jesus time. I love people. I hate confrontation and will do ANYTHING to avoid it, including lying about how I really feel. I am VERY good at masking my emotions. I hate crying infront of people, even though I am a very deep and emotional person I don't like coming across that way. I only like attention when I am trying to be funny. I have some issues with my self-esteem when it comes to my physical appearence however I am proud of the person that I am and the heart that God has given me.
Why do I say all of this? Because I am no longer going to be ashamed for what I haven't done because in doing so, I am being ashamed of God's work in me. Am I a sinner? ABSOLUTLY. Do I think I'm better then anyone else? ABSOLUTLY NOT! Have I hit rock bottom? No, but God has recently revealed to me that I don't have to in order to relate to people from all walks of life. I always thought that my empathy was not enough for me understand people who are involved with things I have never been involved with but I have learned something very important....I DO NOT NEED TO EXPERIENCE IT TO UNDERSTAND IT. Jesus never did, and he talked about everything. I am just sick of people learning about the person that I am and thinking that I don't have any understanding of what life is and what grace means.
So there you go. I just really feel as though God is saying, "Kathy, share what I've done in your life. Celebrate the fact that in my power alone I have kept you from life altering regret. Give me all of the glory and all of the praise. Thank me for giving humanity guidelines to live by that work. Be honest about your sin and your mess as well as your success. Honor me by sharing your story."
That's my testimony...and yes, I do have one.

More Pics???......OK!

My Handsome Boy

We have the worst luck

So we're moving again! don't worry....we're not moving out of Tallahassee...we're not even moving out of our apartment complex....but we are moving into a different apartment...one with no ants....unfortunatly this one has a bit of an infestation that no one saw coming. So here I am....packing again when I swore I was going to retire in this apartment. Anyone who has my address, the apt # has changed from 206 to 3324. It is nicer with a fireplace and vaulted ceilings and a nice master bathroom and it's close to my new friend Leksie who lived two buildings over so I guess all is not lost....I just wish someone would hurry up and invent teleportation.

I'm back for good

So I've been slacking off on the whole blog thing and I've decided to get back on board....i've said goodbye to xanga so that I could focus my attention over here where anyone can comment regardless of their internet status.
I promise I will post more pics of the handsomest child on earth as soon as I get my camera back from a friend that I lent it to. He is AMAZING! Cuter and funnier and smarter everyday. He likes to make sounds like a dinosaur, he flirts with every woman he sees, he loves music and his stuffed bug collection, he is always smiling and laughing ...the most contented and happy baby I've ever known. It's ridiculous how much I love him. Like right now he is laughing so hard I think his face might split open. It's hard to believe that I had anything to do with something so wonderful. He is the perfect blend of Jason and I.
I'm needing to solicite some prayer. Caden is fine and healthy but he is having some digestion issues that are hindering him from gaining weight the way he should so he's a little skinny....he doesn't really look as much skinny as he does ripped up. He has a crazy baby physique! We're not too concerned yet...it may just be reflux or a milk aversion so we have some things to try before they need to look for blockages....just keep him in your prayers...but he's doing just fine...he's advanced when it comes to his mobility and social skills so he's doing just fine.
I've also received some bad news about my immigration stuff....everything's fine it's just that our move slowed things down a bit so I may not be able to go home in August....and maybe not even until Novemeber which I am really dissapointed about. There is however a slim possibility that I could receive what I need anyday so I am praying hard and would love it if others could do that same. I just believe God saw this before I did and that he is able to totally make a way where there seems to be no way. Now's the time for ultimate trust.
I'm going to begin watching a little boy named Brock in September....He's Caden's age so it'll be like having twins from 8:30-5:30 everyday. I'm hoping it works out. He's so cute and seems to be a pretty calm baby so I'm sure it'll be fine. I just hope I don't feel trapped all the time....it'll probably be overwhelming going out on the town with two little babies the same age but mothers do it all the time. It works out great because I want desperatly to help my family financially while being there for my Son 24/7 so this way I get the best of both worlds. It's funny....I've traded in my priorities, my options, my schedule, my wants, my ideas of what I thought my life would be and look like for the greatest, hardest, thankless, most rewarding job on earth. Who would have thought it?

"I'm cute. Gimme some money!"

My Joy

you can see more cuteness at my xanga

My Xanga

www.xanga.com/kathyuplugged

Back to God

We had Caden's Baptism today at 'The Well'
It was really great. There was this overwhelming beauty in church this morning. Many people felt it too. Thank you Holy Spirit.
Today we gave our Son back to God. I am excited to see how God uses his life for the Kingdom. I pray each day that God will set him apart and make him a true Man of God. I believe this will happen. It already has.
It was great to be surrounded by family and friends today for such a special event. My mom and sister are here and Jason's parents and brother are here too. They have all met for the first time on this trip. It's been great to have everyone together. It only took three years of marriage and a baby to get them all here.
After the service about 20 of us went to the Japanese Steakhouse for lunch. It was like the wedding reception we never had. Good times.
In less then two weeks we will be in Florida. I haven't started packing yet. I won't start until two days before. We move so much that I now have a fool-proof system. I dread the packing, but I should be able to knock it out in no time.
I'm excited about getting back into 'Lifechurch.' The pastor called on Friday to let us know that the piano will be sitting there ready and waiting for me. I'm pumped to be apart of that band. It's going to be awesome.
I love my God. I love my family. I love my life.

Back to Florida...

We're moving again. Back to Florida. Good times. An awesome answer to prayer.
Sandy beaches, purpose-driven church, warm air, quaint town, better life...here we come. Thank you Jesus.