We've gone through a lot this year...we've lost jobs, had our household income sliced in half, are on the brink of destroying our credit with a home-purchase gone wrong...
I will be the first to say, "Thank you God that these are my greatest struggles."
A few years ago, my cousin was travelling alone to visit family on the other side of Canada and had a seizure during a stop over in the Toronto Airport. She woke up in an Ontario hospital to be told she had an inoperable brain tumour. I'm sure she and her husband remember that date vividly. For them, it was the day the earth stood still.
Since then she has endured radiation, chemotherapy...countless procedures in an attempt to shrink, stunt or slow the growth of the tumour...at first it was slow moving but it has since picked up speed.
A few months ago the doctors suspected she could live for another few years. They have recently downgraded that to a month...maybe two.
Although I know to my core God is good, that He freely gives and rightfully takes away, that His will is perfect, I don't know how to justify any type of good in this...it's one thing to lose a house...it's another to lose a wife and a mother...it's heart wrenching to think about. Imagine how devastating it is to experience.
We have all marvelled at her strength and character during this entire battle. She's a wonderful woman. She's fun and sweet and down to earth...she's one of those people who is 100% genuine. What you see is what you get. She tells it like it is...and everyone loves her for it. She's beautiful inside and out...she's kind...she's a great mom...she's a great person...
I live 3000 miles away so I can't physically help her out, babysit for her, cook her meals, clean her place or just hang out with her...but what I can do is solicit prayer on her behalf which is my purpose in writing this.
I don't say the following to instill false hope...and I'm certainly not claiming that God has told me she will be healed....I think that kind of talk is dangerous and damaging when spewed recklessly...but I believe in miracles...in God's ability to shrink tumours, heal bodies, restore people...I've seen it happen. We're always so afraid to pursue God about matters such as healing or miracles for fear of Him not doing it...we've all prayed for someone or something at one point or another that didn't end the way we wanted it to. But here's the thing: God is good. He is good when things are great and he's good when all we see is Hell on earth. He is bigger than our comprehension and greater than our circumstance...and I can't sit back and do nothing, wondering what could have happened if the people of God had come together to petition His throne for radical healing of this woman.
So let's do it. I've withheld her name for her privacy...she doesn't know I'm writing this so I wanted to be respectful, but God knows her. He's her Father. He knows her better than she knows herself and He LOVES her...this is true regardless of the outcome. When you pray for her, you may know little to nothing about her...but God knows the beginning, end and middle of this courageous woman's story.
SO pray. Pray fervently and passionately. Pray for the first time if you've never prayed before...because this is the perfect scenario for a miracle to take place.
Now, recognize how blessed you are and go hug your family.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Practice Run
Caden and I had a 13 month old little friend come over to play today. I was interested to see how Caden would react to a baby in his room, touching his toys and toddling towards him...he's not usually a big fan of walking babies...I think they freak him out because he can't figure out if they are a baby or a kid...
Anyway, Baby Friend arrived at 9am and we went into Caden's room where he was playing the keyboard. Immediately, he started pulling musical toys out of his toy box, asking, "Is this OK for babies?"
One at a time he brought them to her, building her a drum set then sitting at his own drum set to 'teach' her how to play. It was quite cute.
Then we got ready and went to the park to meet Dana and her boys for a little duck feeding time. Baby Friend sneezed in the car...Caden said, "O, bless you."
When we got to the park, I unbuckled Caden and he climbed out of the car himself...making me thank my lucky stars that he's already so independent before baby #2 arrives. I got Baby Friend into her stroller and we all had a lovely time at the park. I tried to get everyone back in the car as efficiently as possible. Caden climbed in first and got seated. Then I buckled in the baby and threw her diaper bag in on the car floor. Then I popped the trunk and put the stroller in there. Then I got in the car...as I was about to pull away Caden said while laughing hysterically, "Mama, I'm not safe!"
I forgot to buckle him in. Thank God for a child with a good vocabulary!
We both laughed as I buckled him in. I thanked him for reminding me and he said, "That's ok."
At lunch he ate really well and Baby Friend gnawed on bananas, bread and baby-sized cheez-its. Caden made sure she had everything she needed.
On the way home he looked over at her and said, "I love her."
When we got home, I was holding Baby Friend while trying to manipulate her pac-n-play...Caden followed behind with all the blankets she would need for her nap. He picked up everything I dropped (don't worry, I didn't drop the baby!), asked to help make the bed and 'shushed' me every 5 minutes after she fell asleep.
"Mama, Shhh! The baby is sleeping!"
All of this to say, Caden is going to make an excellent big brother. He is loving and kind, caring and thoughtful, helpful and polite...I'm really excited for him to meet his baby brother or sister and I feel much better about how he'll react to being a sibling...I'm also more confident in my own abilities to handle more than one kid. I was a bit nervous, but I actually think I'll enjoy the challenge...not to mention the cuteness :)
Anyway, Baby Friend arrived at 9am and we went into Caden's room where he was playing the keyboard. Immediately, he started pulling musical toys out of his toy box, asking, "Is this OK for babies?"
One at a time he brought them to her, building her a drum set then sitting at his own drum set to 'teach' her how to play. It was quite cute.
Then we got ready and went to the park to meet Dana and her boys for a little duck feeding time. Baby Friend sneezed in the car...Caden said, "O, bless you."
When we got to the park, I unbuckled Caden and he climbed out of the car himself...making me thank my lucky stars that he's already so independent before baby #2 arrives. I got Baby Friend into her stroller and we all had a lovely time at the park. I tried to get everyone back in the car as efficiently as possible. Caden climbed in first and got seated. Then I buckled in the baby and threw her diaper bag in on the car floor. Then I popped the trunk and put the stroller in there. Then I got in the car...as I was about to pull away Caden said while laughing hysterically, "Mama, I'm not safe!"
I forgot to buckle him in. Thank God for a child with a good vocabulary!
We both laughed as I buckled him in. I thanked him for reminding me and he said, "That's ok."
At lunch he ate really well and Baby Friend gnawed on bananas, bread and baby-sized cheez-its. Caden made sure she had everything she needed.
On the way home he looked over at her and said, "I love her."
When we got home, I was holding Baby Friend while trying to manipulate her pac-n-play...Caden followed behind with all the blankets she would need for her nap. He picked up everything I dropped (don't worry, I didn't drop the baby!), asked to help make the bed and 'shushed' me every 5 minutes after she fell asleep.
"Mama, Shhh! The baby is sleeping!"
All of this to say, Caden is going to make an excellent big brother. He is loving and kind, caring and thoughtful, helpful and polite...I'm really excited for him to meet his baby brother or sister and I feel much better about how he'll react to being a sibling...I'm also more confident in my own abilities to handle more than one kid. I was a bit nervous, but I actually think I'll enjoy the challenge...not to mention the cuteness :)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Injection Rejection
There's been a lot of talk about the H1N1 virus and the flu vaccine this season. Some, like mainstream doctors and nurses, are hardcore advocates for the vaccine and have received it themselves...others, like chiropractors and those who practice more natural forms or medicine, are strongly against it.
A nurse at my primary doctors office told me that I HAD to get the swine and regular flu vaccine because I'm pregnant. My chiropractor passionately begged me, "Don't you dare put that poison in your body."
I've done hours of reading and research on the subject...I'm not a health care professional and I'm not a flu vaccine expert....nor am I a passionate 'anti-vaccine' hippie...but here's where I stand:
The Swine Flu: It is not the black plague and it is not polio. It's the flu...a nasty one. I have had several friends who have already had it, nursed it and pulled through it in the same way they would a regular bout of the seasonal flu. The seasonal flu has actually killed 5 times the amount of people since January than the swine flu has...and since it's first appearance, the swine flu has weakened significantly and many doctors are advising people that the regular flu is much more dangerous at this point. If you get the flu, rest, drink plenty of liquids and don't hesitate to go to the ER for fluids, if needed. That's what I'll be doing should I come down with one of the dozen strains of flu going around...swine flu being one of them.
My experience: I have never had a flu vaccine. Caden has had two. Both times, he became seriously ill within 24 hours. High fever, vomiting and a respiratory infection that lasted for 2 weeks, BOTH times. My pediatrician claims there's no possible way the flu vaccine caused that to happen and it must have just been 'coincidence'. No one took a second to even considering that maybe he has an allergy to something in the vaccine cocktail. Their lack of concern for his history with flu shots caused me to second guess the information they were giving me. He has not had a flu shot in 2 years and he has done really well. He's gotten sick from time to time, but never as sick as he was after the flu shots. He's a good eater and eats a pretty balanced diet, causing him to bounce back quickly from bugs when they get into his system. He reacted perfectly fine to other vaccinations but I will never inject him with another flu vaccine of any kind again. The benefits don't out weight the risks in his particular case. Some kids do great with it, he does not. There is something in that shot that makes him brutally ill...and I'm not going to infect my baby with a dangerous illness for a THIRD time. He's been thriving and doing wonderfully since we stopped the flu shot regimen and we'll continue to eat well, wash our hands and be smart about our health and safety.
What I've learned: I respect and have benefited greatly from chiropractics and unconventional forms of medicine. I am slow to medicate myself, pregnant or not. I just don't like using medication to solve pain or problems. Six months after having Caden, my back had reached a point where it was completely twisted, a disc was out of place and I was in constant, chronic pain. I'm talking pain. P-A-I-N. I couldn't sneeze without bracing myself, I couldn't lower my baby into his crib, I was miserable and knew there was something wrong. I went to my primary physician who told me, "I'll give you something for pain." I asked if we were going to do xrays or tests to see what was wrong and he assured me the pills would take care of everything. I was so irritated and asked for a referral for a chiropractor. He gave me one and said, "If that doesn't work for you, come back and I'll prescribe you something."
Long story short, I went to the chiropractor and through natural manipulation and ARP therapy, my pain level has gone from a 9 out of 10 to a 1. Completely changed the quality of my life, literally REPAIRED my injury, all without surgery, injections or drugs that would have completely damaged my liver and organs if taken from the age of 22 til who knows when...
All that to say, I believe that doctors are amazing people but they can be wrong...I also believe that (especially in America) they are quick to offer medication and surgeries as the ultimate solution to problems in order to profit) when nutrition and proper body care are safer and more effective.
Every person I have questioned in the chiropractic community have urged me to say 'no' to the flu vaccine and I greatly respect their opinions and knowledge. I'll be talking to my OBGYN next week about my concerns but having learned a lot already on my own, I doubt my convictions will subside.
The H1N1 vaccine has no evidence of safety in pregnancy. In America, the mercury and preservative free versions are too expensive for me to obtain. I've never had a flu shot so I have no idea how it would effect me...I am very sensitive to medication and I fear the vaccine making me more sick than the flu itself (which was the case with Caden). Also, the H1N1 vaccine has polysorbate 80 which is linked with infertility and countless other dangerous preservatives like the regular flu shot...if I want to be preserved to that degree, I'll just go drink formaldehyde :)
As far as the regular flu shot goes, Jay has already received his. He received a shot with a combination of 3 vaccines however there are more than 10 flu strains going around. Receiving the flu shot has lowered his risk of contracting the flu by only 33%. Being pregnant, I'm VERY conscious of the medications I put into my body (I have a headache right now and still won't take a Tylenol because it's better to be safe than sorry) so the benefits of the flu vaccine aren't worth the risks for me and the unborn baby.
I am boosting my immune system by receiving regular chiropractic adjustments, taking my vitamins, eating properly, avoiding germ infested public places, receiving prompt and proper pre-natal care and washing my hands like a crazy. Now, my husband works in a health club and my roommate works in a day care so between the two of them, I'm sure many germs will make their way into our house...but if I contract the flu in spite of my efforts, I still won't regret not getting the flu vaccine. I have done a lot of research, I've prayed, I've talked with the medical personnel who have been proven to make my life better with their knowledge and services, I've read for hours about what's in the shot and how effective it is and I have to do what I believe is right for my body and my kids.
In closing: Although I greatly respect and support the chiropractic community (they seem to know more about the connectivity and function of the human body than any GP I've ever gone to) I don't jump on the band wagon with everything my chiropractor says...most chiro's believe that routine vaccinations are linked with autism and recommend against any and all vaccines for babies...I don't believe there is enough evidence supporting that...(however in the H1N1 vaccine, there is an additive that is directly linked with autism). I'm not anti-vaccination...but when it comes to my kids and my experience, I'm 100% anti-flu shot.
Still, Jay got one and I'm happy to say, he's fine...I don't think he's anymore safe from the flu than I am at this point (considering he just called and said he thinks he's coming down with something...great...) but he had no (immediate) adverse effects.
24 hours after BOTH of Caden's flu shots, his lungs filled with fluid to the point of him vomiting from trying so hard to breathe. Frankly, I'd be a complete idiot to do that to him again.
If I contract the flu, I will take optimal care of myself and not hesitate to go to the ER for fluids and treatment...and I won't be embarrassed or regretful of my decision not to vaccinate...I know I could get it...I just believe, at this point, after much research and conviction, that the vaccine is just as unsafe (or more so) than the flu itself...so why chose one when I could possible avoid the other altogether? People need to remember the importance of diet, proper nutrition, exercise and general smart and safe practices like hand washing...these are your safest defenses against any contractible illnesses.
My Advice: You need to find a medically minded individual you've had positive history with, whom you trust, who is informed and unbiased and seek their advice. There's too much propaganda from both sides out there and I don't trust anything I see on TV anymore..particular television shows like 'The Dr's' or others that stand to greatly profit from the mass sale of vaccinations.
At the end of the day, you need to weigh the pros and cons for your family. Based on my personal experience with Caden and the flu vaccine, I would be knowingly harming him by giving it to him again. Someone elses experience might be different.
Unfortunately, there isn't enough testing being done to determine that risk beforehand...and personally, Russian roulette isn't a game I'd recommend with children.
I hope everyone does their research and feels at peace with whatever decision they reach for themselves and their families.
A nurse at my primary doctors office told me that I HAD to get the swine and regular flu vaccine because I'm pregnant. My chiropractor passionately begged me, "Don't you dare put that poison in your body."
I've done hours of reading and research on the subject...I'm not a health care professional and I'm not a flu vaccine expert....nor am I a passionate 'anti-vaccine' hippie...but here's where I stand:
The Swine Flu: It is not the black plague and it is not polio. It's the flu...a nasty one. I have had several friends who have already had it, nursed it and pulled through it in the same way they would a regular bout of the seasonal flu. The seasonal flu has actually killed 5 times the amount of people since January than the swine flu has...and since it's first appearance, the swine flu has weakened significantly and many doctors are advising people that the regular flu is much more dangerous at this point. If you get the flu, rest, drink plenty of liquids and don't hesitate to go to the ER for fluids, if needed. That's what I'll be doing should I come down with one of the dozen strains of flu going around...swine flu being one of them.
My experience: I have never had a flu vaccine. Caden has had two. Both times, he became seriously ill within 24 hours. High fever, vomiting and a respiratory infection that lasted for 2 weeks, BOTH times. My pediatrician claims there's no possible way the flu vaccine caused that to happen and it must have just been 'coincidence'. No one took a second to even considering that maybe he has an allergy to something in the vaccine cocktail. Their lack of concern for his history with flu shots caused me to second guess the information they were giving me. He has not had a flu shot in 2 years and he has done really well. He's gotten sick from time to time, but never as sick as he was after the flu shots. He's a good eater and eats a pretty balanced diet, causing him to bounce back quickly from bugs when they get into his system. He reacted perfectly fine to other vaccinations but I will never inject him with another flu vaccine of any kind again. The benefits don't out weight the risks in his particular case. Some kids do great with it, he does not. There is something in that shot that makes him brutally ill...and I'm not going to infect my baby with a dangerous illness for a THIRD time. He's been thriving and doing wonderfully since we stopped the flu shot regimen and we'll continue to eat well, wash our hands and be smart about our health and safety.
What I've learned: I respect and have benefited greatly from chiropractics and unconventional forms of medicine. I am slow to medicate myself, pregnant or not. I just don't like using medication to solve pain or problems. Six months after having Caden, my back had reached a point where it was completely twisted, a disc was out of place and I was in constant, chronic pain. I'm talking pain. P-A-I-N. I couldn't sneeze without bracing myself, I couldn't lower my baby into his crib, I was miserable and knew there was something wrong. I went to my primary physician who told me, "I'll give you something for pain." I asked if we were going to do xrays or tests to see what was wrong and he assured me the pills would take care of everything. I was so irritated and asked for a referral for a chiropractor. He gave me one and said, "If that doesn't work for you, come back and I'll prescribe you something."
Long story short, I went to the chiropractor and through natural manipulation and ARP therapy, my pain level has gone from a 9 out of 10 to a 1. Completely changed the quality of my life, literally REPAIRED my injury, all without surgery, injections or drugs that would have completely damaged my liver and organs if taken from the age of 22 til who knows when...
All that to say, I believe that doctors are amazing people but they can be wrong...I also believe that (especially in America) they are quick to offer medication and surgeries as the ultimate solution to problems in order to profit) when nutrition and proper body care are safer and more effective.
Every person I have questioned in the chiropractic community have urged me to say 'no' to the flu vaccine and I greatly respect their opinions and knowledge. I'll be talking to my OBGYN next week about my concerns but having learned a lot already on my own, I doubt my convictions will subside.
The H1N1 vaccine has no evidence of safety in pregnancy. In America, the mercury and preservative free versions are too expensive for me to obtain. I've never had a flu shot so I have no idea how it would effect me...I am very sensitive to medication and I fear the vaccine making me more sick than the flu itself (which was the case with Caden). Also, the H1N1 vaccine has polysorbate 80 which is linked with infertility and countless other dangerous preservatives like the regular flu shot...if I want to be preserved to that degree, I'll just go drink formaldehyde :)
As far as the regular flu shot goes, Jay has already received his. He received a shot with a combination of 3 vaccines however there are more than 10 flu strains going around. Receiving the flu shot has lowered his risk of contracting the flu by only 33%. Being pregnant, I'm VERY conscious of the medications I put into my body (I have a headache right now and still won't take a Tylenol because it's better to be safe than sorry) so the benefits of the flu vaccine aren't worth the risks for me and the unborn baby.
I am boosting my immune system by receiving regular chiropractic adjustments, taking my vitamins, eating properly, avoiding germ infested public places, receiving prompt and proper pre-natal care and washing my hands like a crazy. Now, my husband works in a health club and my roommate works in a day care so between the two of them, I'm sure many germs will make their way into our house...but if I contract the flu in spite of my efforts, I still won't regret not getting the flu vaccine. I have done a lot of research, I've prayed, I've talked with the medical personnel who have been proven to make my life better with their knowledge and services, I've read for hours about what's in the shot and how effective it is and I have to do what I believe is right for my body and my kids.
In closing: Although I greatly respect and support the chiropractic community (they seem to know more about the connectivity and function of the human body than any GP I've ever gone to) I don't jump on the band wagon with everything my chiropractor says...most chiro's believe that routine vaccinations are linked with autism and recommend against any and all vaccines for babies...I don't believe there is enough evidence supporting that...(however in the H1N1 vaccine, there is an additive that is directly linked with autism). I'm not anti-vaccination...but when it comes to my kids and my experience, I'm 100% anti-flu shot.
Still, Jay got one and I'm happy to say, he's fine...I don't think he's anymore safe from the flu than I am at this point (considering he just called and said he thinks he's coming down with something...great...) but he had no (immediate) adverse effects.
24 hours after BOTH of Caden's flu shots, his lungs filled with fluid to the point of him vomiting from trying so hard to breathe. Frankly, I'd be a complete idiot to do that to him again.
If I contract the flu, I will take optimal care of myself and not hesitate to go to the ER for fluids and treatment...and I won't be embarrassed or regretful of my decision not to vaccinate...I know I could get it...I just believe, at this point, after much research and conviction, that the vaccine is just as unsafe (or more so) than the flu itself...so why chose one when I could possible avoid the other altogether? People need to remember the importance of diet, proper nutrition, exercise and general smart and safe practices like hand washing...these are your safest defenses against any contractible illnesses.
My Advice: You need to find a medically minded individual you've had positive history with, whom you trust, who is informed and unbiased and seek their advice. There's too much propaganda from both sides out there and I don't trust anything I see on TV anymore..particular television shows like 'The Dr's' or others that stand to greatly profit from the mass sale of vaccinations.
At the end of the day, you need to weigh the pros and cons for your family. Based on my personal experience with Caden and the flu vaccine, I would be knowingly harming him by giving it to him again. Someone elses experience might be different.
Unfortunately, there isn't enough testing being done to determine that risk beforehand...and personally, Russian roulette isn't a game I'd recommend with children.
I hope everyone does their research and feels at peace with whatever decision they reach for themselves and their families.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Brink of a Miracle
Growing up in a traditional, Newfoundland, Salvation Army church, we use to sing a chorus during the Sunday night, 4 hour testimony time called, "Don't give up, you're on the brink of a miracle."
Melodically, this song is the equivalent of a cat in a blender but the lyrics are lovely. I didn't recognize that when I was teenager because I was too distracted, trying to play piano in the midst of dueling accordions but lately, the lyrics (not the tune) of that song have been running through my head.
I've shared in some detail the situation Jason and I have faced with a property we own in Wakulla County, Florida. Long story short, we bought our first house in 2007, went through one devastating financial blow after another (for which we were not prepared) and after a year of trying to sell the house before losing it, we moved out this past February, knowing that we wouldn't be able to afford the payment in March. We didn't believe it was right to stay in a house we weren't paying for so we moved out in an attempt for it to show better and sell quickly.
Housing prices in our area have greatly declined in the past two years so the same property is worth about $40,000.00 less than what we bought it for. Having no money for lawn equipment or services, we haven't been able to maintain the property very well. Due to no one living in the house, the fence surrounding it has received a bit of vandalism. We have to pay utilities out there because the house needs electricity and A/C for the realtor to show it effectively. Paying utilities in both places has been annoying and draining but we're doing everything we can to rectify this issue and resolve our debt. At the end of the day, that's how we sleep well at night.
We enlisted the help of a real estate company that explained to us that a short sale was our only option short of foreclosure and knowing full well what we were getting into, we went ahead and listed the house for less than we owe in hopes of getting a decent offer.
We got that decent offer, much better than expected, in June while we were home in Newfoundland. We were overwhelmingly grateful, sure that this was our deliverance. The buyer held on throughout the long, short sale process but at the beginning of this month we received the news: The buyer backed out. We didn't blame them. We would have too.
The house was placed back on the market, now looking much shabbier than ever before. Because the offer we had received was so good, it was unlikely that the bank would accept anything less than that and we were convinced no one would come close to offering that amount again. We received a letter informing us that the house will cease to be insured in January unless we pay an astronomical policy out of pocket, which won't be able to happen.
I also got a phone call yesterday, confirming our address because 'important papers' needed to be delivered to myself and Jason. Here we go. It's happening...
Jay and I have been talking, praying and working through this situation for a long time and I can honestly say that I really like the people we've become throughout it. I know that's weird, because I don't like the process...but if we had to go through this to grow the way we've grown...I'd do it again.
Last night we talked for hours about everything...about how confident we are in the decisions we've made for our family (after the stupid ones we made :) coupled with blows we couldn't have predicted. Our priorities are in check.
We were sitting outside of Starbucks, talking about the house when I got a lump in my throat...that only happens when I picture Caden's room...I just want someone else to own the house and re-paint it, change the locks and make it theirs...I don't want it to be mine anymore. Jay took my hand and said what I've known all along but needed to hear again, "Kathy, it's just a house."
At the same time 'His eye is on the sparrow' was playing on the Starbucks radio...
This morning I woke up and began to pray about life...I prayed for my friends, I prayed for my family, I prayed that my parents would live a really long time, that my hurting friends would find comfort, that my unsaved friends and family would find Christ...I prayed that the sick would be healed, that my children would love God and be set apart for Him. Then I said, "If I need to go through bankruptcy to become the woman You want me to be, bring it on...but if it is Your will, I pray for a miracle."
Jay came home this evening asking if our 'special papers' had arrived today...they hadn't...but then the phone rang.
Jay spoke with someone for a few moments, thanked them, assured them that we'd 'get it to them right away' and hung up the phone. It was our realtor...
We got another offer on the house TODAY.
"How much?" I asked...knowing that it couldn't be as good as the first but worried the bank wouldn't accept anything lower.
"It's the same as the first." Jay answered, bewildered.
Don't give up, you're on the brink of a miracle.
Now, I'm not naive enough to think this is a done deal...I know the bottom could fall out, I know they could walk away, I know the bank may move too slowly again...but at least it's possible...more possible today than it was yesterday...more possible this evening than it was this morning. That reminder is enough. God is good.
These buyers have specified that they want to close by November 30th, which if this happens then Happy Thanksgiving to Us...but if this bubble bursts and we end up getting those 'special papers' after all, it doesn't change that my Father is a God of miracles and that He is good...and I will praise Him for the woman I will become and the lessons I've learned throughout this entire thing.
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me
Melodically, this song is the equivalent of a cat in a blender but the lyrics are lovely. I didn't recognize that when I was teenager because I was too distracted, trying to play piano in the midst of dueling accordions but lately, the lyrics (not the tune) of that song have been running through my head.
I've shared in some detail the situation Jason and I have faced with a property we own in Wakulla County, Florida. Long story short, we bought our first house in 2007, went through one devastating financial blow after another (for which we were not prepared) and after a year of trying to sell the house before losing it, we moved out this past February, knowing that we wouldn't be able to afford the payment in March. We didn't believe it was right to stay in a house we weren't paying for so we moved out in an attempt for it to show better and sell quickly.
Housing prices in our area have greatly declined in the past two years so the same property is worth about $40,000.00 less than what we bought it for. Having no money for lawn equipment or services, we haven't been able to maintain the property very well. Due to no one living in the house, the fence surrounding it has received a bit of vandalism. We have to pay utilities out there because the house needs electricity and A/C for the realtor to show it effectively. Paying utilities in both places has been annoying and draining but we're doing everything we can to rectify this issue and resolve our debt. At the end of the day, that's how we sleep well at night.
We enlisted the help of a real estate company that explained to us that a short sale was our only option short of foreclosure and knowing full well what we were getting into, we went ahead and listed the house for less than we owe in hopes of getting a decent offer.
We got that decent offer, much better than expected, in June while we were home in Newfoundland. We were overwhelmingly grateful, sure that this was our deliverance. The buyer held on throughout the long, short sale process but at the beginning of this month we received the news: The buyer backed out. We didn't blame them. We would have too.
The house was placed back on the market, now looking much shabbier than ever before. Because the offer we had received was so good, it was unlikely that the bank would accept anything less than that and we were convinced no one would come close to offering that amount again. We received a letter informing us that the house will cease to be insured in January unless we pay an astronomical policy out of pocket, which won't be able to happen.
I also got a phone call yesterday, confirming our address because 'important papers' needed to be delivered to myself and Jason. Here we go. It's happening...
Jay and I have been talking, praying and working through this situation for a long time and I can honestly say that I really like the people we've become throughout it. I know that's weird, because I don't like the process...but if we had to go through this to grow the way we've grown...I'd do it again.
Last night we talked for hours about everything...about how confident we are in the decisions we've made for our family (after the stupid ones we made :) coupled with blows we couldn't have predicted. Our priorities are in check.
We were sitting outside of Starbucks, talking about the house when I got a lump in my throat...that only happens when I picture Caden's room...I just want someone else to own the house and re-paint it, change the locks and make it theirs...I don't want it to be mine anymore. Jay took my hand and said what I've known all along but needed to hear again, "Kathy, it's just a house."
At the same time 'His eye is on the sparrow' was playing on the Starbucks radio...
This morning I woke up and began to pray about life...I prayed for my friends, I prayed for my family, I prayed that my parents would live a really long time, that my hurting friends would find comfort, that my unsaved friends and family would find Christ...I prayed that the sick would be healed, that my children would love God and be set apart for Him. Then I said, "If I need to go through bankruptcy to become the woman You want me to be, bring it on...but if it is Your will, I pray for a miracle."
Jay came home this evening asking if our 'special papers' had arrived today...they hadn't...but then the phone rang.
Jay spoke with someone for a few moments, thanked them, assured them that we'd 'get it to them right away' and hung up the phone. It was our realtor...
We got another offer on the house TODAY.
"How much?" I asked...knowing that it couldn't be as good as the first but worried the bank wouldn't accept anything lower.
"It's the same as the first." Jay answered, bewildered.
Don't give up, you're on the brink of a miracle.
Now, I'm not naive enough to think this is a done deal...I know the bottom could fall out, I know they could walk away, I know the bank may move too slowly again...but at least it's possible...more possible today than it was yesterday...more possible this evening than it was this morning. That reminder is enough. God is good.
These buyers have specified that they want to close by November 30th, which if this happens then Happy Thanksgiving to Us...but if this bubble bursts and we end up getting those 'special papers' after all, it doesn't change that my Father is a God of miracles and that He is good...and I will praise Him for the woman I will become and the lessons I've learned throughout this entire thing.
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Conversations With a Three (and a half) Year Old
- Caden was eating cereal one morning and his bowl was too far from him, causing him to spill the majority of his food on the table before it made it to his mouth.
Daddy: "Caden, your bowl is too far away, what should you do?"
Caden: "Um....eat my food?"
Daddy: "No, what should you do if your bowl is too far away?"
Caden: "Um...say my memory verse?"
Daddy: "....what?"
- Caden and Ms. Amber were sitting on a bench at Lake Ella, watching the ducks in the water. They were sitting quietly, enjoying some icecream when suddenly Caden looks out at a duck and screams:
"NO, I CANNOT SWIM WITH YOU WITH MY CLOTHES ON!!!"
Ms. Amber: "Caden, did that duck just talk to you?"
Caden: "Yes" (pointing to a specific duck) "That one."
- We sat Caden down and told him that he was going to be a big brother. He was very excited and asked if he could see the baby. We told him the baby was too little to come out of Mommy's tummy but he could see a picture. I held out the ultrasound picture and he looked it up and down.
Caden: "That is a SCARY baby"
Mama: "You're right. It does look a little scary now."
Caden: "Ya, it needs to grow some more."
Daddy: "Caden, your bowl is too far away, what should you do?"
Caden: "Um....eat my food?"
Daddy: "No, what should you do if your bowl is too far away?"
Caden: "Um...say my memory verse?"
Daddy: "....what?"
- Caden and Ms. Amber were sitting on a bench at Lake Ella, watching the ducks in the water. They were sitting quietly, enjoying some icecream when suddenly Caden looks out at a duck and screams:
"NO, I CANNOT SWIM WITH YOU WITH MY CLOTHES ON!!!"
Ms. Amber: "Caden, did that duck just talk to you?"
Caden: "Yes" (pointing to a specific duck) "That one."
- We sat Caden down and told him that he was going to be a big brother. He was very excited and asked if he could see the baby. We told him the baby was too little to come out of Mommy's tummy but he could see a picture. I held out the ultrasound picture and he looked it up and down.
Caden: "That is a SCARY baby"
Mama: "You're right. It does look a little scary now."
Caden: "Ya, it needs to grow some more."
Friday, October 16, 2009
Beyond What You Can Bear
This week has been a difficult one for many people I love. I feel like I've been hearing one piece of bad news after another and I've spent many nights this week, lying awake, thinking about the hurting lives and precious faces of my friends. Illness, brokenness, sadness, dreams being shattered and lives forever changing...It's crazy how life's ability to change drastically from one day to the next can be both exciting and terrifying...motivating and paralyzing.
A lot of people misquote the bible and say, "I know God won't put me through anything I can't handle" when that's not what the bible says...
The bible says that God will not tempt you beyond what you can bear...but be assured, life will give you plenty more than you can bear on your own...Enter: God's strength.
God's strength is perfect in those moments when it's all just too much.
I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" and there is a contestant on this show who's husband, pre-school aged daughter and six day old son were killed in a car accident a few years ago. Every time I see that woman on my TV screen my throat swells with emotion. How do you live through that? Certainly that isn't beyond what one can bear without super natural strength?
I'm reading a book about a man and woman who's child was born and lived only for a few brief seconds. 6 months later, their 5 year old daughter died unexpectedly in her sleep from a rare heart deformity that they didn't know she had. How can a human muster up the strength to deal with that kind of trauma? We can't, not without the hand of God.
How does a wife pick herself up off of the floor after the man who vowed to love her forever, wakes up one morning and says, "I'm sorry, I don't love you and I don't know if I ever did."? By the strength and grace of God. How does a small child continue on after being abandoned by his parents? By believing that God is his father who loves him unconditionally. How does a person in chronic or terminal pain, accept that God is a God of love and healing? By remembering the pain that Jesus endured for them.
In the book, "Things Unseen", Mark Buchanan explains that life doesn't justify living...how can it for those who seem to suffer from start to finish? Heaven, God's promise and His hope of life eternal with Him is what justifies living.
In the midst of death, illness, unfaithfulness, broken hearts and crushed dreams, God is ready and waiting to mend the pieces and make them stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
A lot of people misquote the bible and say, "I know God won't put me through anything I can't handle" when that's not what the bible says...
The bible says that God will not tempt you beyond what you can bear...but be assured, life will give you plenty more than you can bear on your own...Enter: God's strength.
God's strength is perfect in those moments when it's all just too much.
I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" and there is a contestant on this show who's husband, pre-school aged daughter and six day old son were killed in a car accident a few years ago. Every time I see that woman on my TV screen my throat swells with emotion. How do you live through that? Certainly that isn't beyond what one can bear without super natural strength?
I'm reading a book about a man and woman who's child was born and lived only for a few brief seconds. 6 months later, their 5 year old daughter died unexpectedly in her sleep from a rare heart deformity that they didn't know she had. How can a human muster up the strength to deal with that kind of trauma? We can't, not without the hand of God.
How does a wife pick herself up off of the floor after the man who vowed to love her forever, wakes up one morning and says, "I'm sorry, I don't love you and I don't know if I ever did."? By the strength and grace of God. How does a small child continue on after being abandoned by his parents? By believing that God is his father who loves him unconditionally. How does a person in chronic or terminal pain, accept that God is a God of love and healing? By remembering the pain that Jesus endured for them.
In the book, "Things Unseen", Mark Buchanan explains that life doesn't justify living...how can it for those who seem to suffer from start to finish? Heaven, God's promise and His hope of life eternal with Him is what justifies living.
In the midst of death, illness, unfaithfulness, broken hearts and crushed dreams, God is ready and waiting to mend the pieces and make them stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Surrender
I have been debating as to whether I should write about this...I don't want to offend but I also don't want to speak cryptically. I'm going to attempt to write this in as few words as possible, a difficult feat for me considering when it comes to typing, I'm rather long winded. But here it goes.
I have felt moved recently to write about the area of surrender. In Christian churches, we sing a lot of songs with lyrics like, "I surrender all" and "I'm laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life." We talk about pursuing Christ with a child like faith. We ask God to 'open the eyes of our hearts' so that we can see Him...so that we can know Him and in turn, make Him known.
I think we often use this dialogue in referring to surrendering our right to sin, or our right to walk away from God. We run full speed into the open arms of our Father and we declare, "Take all of me."
But I wonder how many of us are willing to surrender our religion to God? How many of us are willing to surrender our doctrines? How many of us have been taught a 'christian' way of living that isn't very Christ-like at all but cling to it with white knuckles? How many of us would be willing to surrender everything we thought we knew about God so that we could really know Him? How many of us are willing to embrace a faith that is real and both public and personal, that isn't the rules, laws or soap boxes of our parent's, our political affiliation's or our grand pappy so and so's?...How many of us are brave enough to admit, we don't have it all figured out and we're works in progress? How many of us are willing to surrender our spiritual arrogance?
Rob Bell uses the term 'Brickology' to describe the way some people believe. He describes their beliefs and doctrines as 'bricks' that are carefully layered to create a wall of overall belief...and he describes what happens when someone questions one of their bricks...when someone challenges the believer about a part of their religion...and he describes that people with brickology-type faith respond angrily and often stereotypically like that of their brickology friends...how they aren't able to open their minds and further explore their belief system because if one brick needs to come out, the whole wall will fall down and they'll have nothing left. Such a person spends the majority of their time, defensively fighting off differing opinions instead of allowing themselves to go deeper...learning why it is they believe what they believe instead of just knowing they believe it...and they mistake their personal discomfort for spiritual discernment.
After hearing this section of his book on tape (Velvet Elvis), it completely changed my way of thinking. I had to repent of my spiritual arrogance...the part of me that thought I had it all figured out...when I haven't even scratched the surface...the part of me that assumed MY interpretation of the bible was the only right way. Sure, there are blacks and whites in scripture. The ten commandments for example are pretty straight forward. But the truth is, I've met many people, Christians, born again believers, who stand on the opposing side of myself on many issues, biblical issues, yet we're both of the mindset that we have it right according to scripture.
For example, (and please, don't allow this example to lead to a barrage of argumentative comments...it's just an example) I believe that capital punishment is sinful. I believe that no human being has the right to take a life. I believe that mercy and grace can cover the worst of us and that no man or woman, regardless of how long they went to school or how many letters are behind their name, has the right to determine who is 'good' enough to live and die. Now, if someone murdered or sexually assaulted Caden, would I want to kill them with my bare hands? Heck, yes! And guess what? I would be justified in doing so...I would be justified in my anger. But I surrender my right to do that...I surrender my right to act on emotion, I surrender my right to take justice in my own hands, I surrender my right to be destroyed by anger and bitterness and vengeance. Vengeance is the Lord's and I believe God's Word points to that. But, plenty of Christian people, deep, moral, beautiful Christian people (particularly in this part of the world) feel the opposite and they too believe that scripture points in their direction.
So who's right? Who's wrong? Who's misinterpreting? Who's brick needs to come out? Who's wall is going to fall down?
No one's should...because our beliefs about the things of God shouldn't become our god. If Jesus Himself appeared before me and said, "Kathy, you've got the capital punishment thing wrong." Would I be in a place of surrender, where I would deny myself to follow His teachings? Or would my entire faith fall down around me because I had misunderstood one thing about Jesus?
Sometimes, surrender means surrendering our personal view of who God is or who we think He 'should' be so that we can really know who He is. I've met a lot of non-Christians who want nothing to do with the faith because of none other than us...and that terrifies me...to know that arrogant and uneducated Christians keep people from wanting to know God.
I pray, fervently, that I will not be one of those people. I surrender my right to be one of those people.
Sometimes, it is our religion, our doctrine, our 'truths', not necessarily our sin, that keeps us from fully knowing Him and making Him known.
Hope this makes sense...
I have felt moved recently to write about the area of surrender. In Christian churches, we sing a lot of songs with lyrics like, "I surrender all" and "I'm laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life." We talk about pursuing Christ with a child like faith. We ask God to 'open the eyes of our hearts' so that we can see Him...so that we can know Him and in turn, make Him known.
I think we often use this dialogue in referring to surrendering our right to sin, or our right to walk away from God. We run full speed into the open arms of our Father and we declare, "Take all of me."
But I wonder how many of us are willing to surrender our religion to God? How many of us are willing to surrender our doctrines? How many of us have been taught a 'christian' way of living that isn't very Christ-like at all but cling to it with white knuckles? How many of us would be willing to surrender everything we thought we knew about God so that we could really know Him? How many of us are willing to embrace a faith that is real and both public and personal, that isn't the rules, laws or soap boxes of our parent's, our political affiliation's or our grand pappy so and so's?...How many of us are brave enough to admit, we don't have it all figured out and we're works in progress? How many of us are willing to surrender our spiritual arrogance?
Rob Bell uses the term 'Brickology' to describe the way some people believe. He describes their beliefs and doctrines as 'bricks' that are carefully layered to create a wall of overall belief...and he describes what happens when someone questions one of their bricks...when someone challenges the believer about a part of their religion...and he describes that people with brickology-type faith respond angrily and often stereotypically like that of their brickology friends...how they aren't able to open their minds and further explore their belief system because if one brick needs to come out, the whole wall will fall down and they'll have nothing left. Such a person spends the majority of their time, defensively fighting off differing opinions instead of allowing themselves to go deeper...learning why it is they believe what they believe instead of just knowing they believe it...and they mistake their personal discomfort for spiritual discernment.
After hearing this section of his book on tape (Velvet Elvis), it completely changed my way of thinking. I had to repent of my spiritual arrogance...the part of me that thought I had it all figured out...when I haven't even scratched the surface...the part of me that assumed MY interpretation of the bible was the only right way. Sure, there are blacks and whites in scripture. The ten commandments for example are pretty straight forward. But the truth is, I've met many people, Christians, born again believers, who stand on the opposing side of myself on many issues, biblical issues, yet we're both of the mindset that we have it right according to scripture.
For example, (and please, don't allow this example to lead to a barrage of argumentative comments...it's just an example) I believe that capital punishment is sinful. I believe that no human being has the right to take a life. I believe that mercy and grace can cover the worst of us and that no man or woman, regardless of how long they went to school or how many letters are behind their name, has the right to determine who is 'good' enough to live and die. Now, if someone murdered or sexually assaulted Caden, would I want to kill them with my bare hands? Heck, yes! And guess what? I would be justified in doing so...I would be justified in my anger. But I surrender my right to do that...I surrender my right to act on emotion, I surrender my right to take justice in my own hands, I surrender my right to be destroyed by anger and bitterness and vengeance. Vengeance is the Lord's and I believe God's Word points to that. But, plenty of Christian people, deep, moral, beautiful Christian people (particularly in this part of the world) feel the opposite and they too believe that scripture points in their direction.
So who's right? Who's wrong? Who's misinterpreting? Who's brick needs to come out? Who's wall is going to fall down?
No one's should...because our beliefs about the things of God shouldn't become our god. If Jesus Himself appeared before me and said, "Kathy, you've got the capital punishment thing wrong." Would I be in a place of surrender, where I would deny myself to follow His teachings? Or would my entire faith fall down around me because I had misunderstood one thing about Jesus?
Sometimes, surrender means surrendering our personal view of who God is or who we think He 'should' be so that we can really know who He is. I've met a lot of non-Christians who want nothing to do with the faith because of none other than us...and that terrifies me...to know that arrogant and uneducated Christians keep people from wanting to know God.
I pray, fervently, that I will not be one of those people. I surrender my right to be one of those people.
Sometimes, it is our religion, our doctrine, our 'truths', not necessarily our sin, that keeps us from fully knowing Him and making Him known.
Hope this makes sense...
Friday, October 09, 2009
I Deserve a Nobel Peace Prize
Well, I do...
This post actually has nothing to do with Obama receiving a Nobel Peace Prize (although I believe he WILL do great things, he hasn't yet so in my opinion it was a bit much, a bit soon but like I said, that's not what this is about). It's actually a post about being in week 13 of my pregnancy!
Good riddens, first trimester! I am thankful for Baby X, but every mama knows that the first trimester is less than fun. Disabling fatigue, 24/7 nausea, insomnia and a growing stomach that isn't cute at all, just chubby. As with my first pregnancy, my nausea literally ceased to exist when week 12 ended, as did the insomnia unique to this pregnancy. I'm still super tired but now that I'm feeling good and staying hydrated, I am officially done with the first trimester blues!
Which leads me to my deserving a Nobel Peace Prize. In the midst of feeling like garbage for weeks and weeks, I kept the peace and didn't scream at or punch anyone! Yay me!
Overcoming the trials of the first trimester is something no current or past President will ever be able to do ;)
I'm just sayin...
This post actually has nothing to do with Obama receiving a Nobel Peace Prize (although I believe he WILL do great things, he hasn't yet so in my opinion it was a bit much, a bit soon but like I said, that's not what this is about). It's actually a post about being in week 13 of my pregnancy!
Good riddens, first trimester! I am thankful for Baby X, but every mama knows that the first trimester is less than fun. Disabling fatigue, 24/7 nausea, insomnia and a growing stomach that isn't cute at all, just chubby. As with my first pregnancy, my nausea literally ceased to exist when week 12 ended, as did the insomnia unique to this pregnancy. I'm still super tired but now that I'm feeling good and staying hydrated, I am officially done with the first trimester blues!
Which leads me to my deserving a Nobel Peace Prize. In the midst of feeling like garbage for weeks and weeks, I kept the peace and didn't scream at or punch anyone! Yay me!
Overcoming the trials of the first trimester is something no current or past President will ever be able to do ;)
I'm just sayin...
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
The Freedom of Not Knowing
I am always boggled by how to move forward in life...do you pray specifically or in terms of God's will alone? Do you make plans and take action or sit in the quiet, seeking His face and waiting for direction? How complacent and how proactive should you be?
We've made many moves in our lives...some I recall as being perfect, wonderful stepping stones. The move to camp where I met Jay. The move to marry him. The move back to Tallahassee in 2006. Others were blatant and obvious mistakes...our trip to the Mitsubishi dealership and our house hunt in Crawfordville come to mind...I would love to grab past Jason and Kathy by the shoulder and shake them violently...
Still, in the midst of mistakes and errors I've grown and learned a lot. It's weird that maturity and growth rise from the ashes of our most tragic mistakes and our darkest moments...if we allow ourselves to mature and grow, that is.
Lately, Jay and I have felt ourselves on the verge of 'something'. Sorry for the vagueness, but that's about as clear as it is to even us at this point. We feel a stirring of change, a healthy dissatisfaction with the way things are, a freeing realization that we are not stuck but a terrifying inability to see how it's all going to work out.
It's hard to know whether your desires are of God or not. Whether what you sense is something you should surrender and dismiss or embrace as God's moving. I don't know that I'll ever figure it out...
This morning, I had some quiet time while Jay took Caden to the gym. I sat in the quiet, unplugged the lap top, put the phone on silent and prayed for an extended period of time. I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've had a moment like that. I've been praying but not uninterrupted and not in depth. More popcorn-esque. I prayed about everything and everyone that popped into my head. I prayed for my children, that they would love God. I honestly care very little about what they chose as a career, whether they are strikingly handsome or talented...I just want them to love God. In praying this way, I began to think about how many children God has that don't love Him. I began to picture Him as a broken hearted Father, watching His children hoard their wealth, hate their neighbour, chose other god's because He is, for some reason, not enough for them. I pictured how many of his children he has witnessed be murdered, raped and abused...how many of them suffer and die due to hunger, inaccessible health care and preventable disease, while His other children sit back and watch it happen. I kept apologizing to Him and I think for a brief moment, He allowed me to feel a small percentage of the pain He feels as Father God...and how in spite of it all, loving us and creating us and dying for us is still worth all of it. Amazing.
With a renewed sense of God's love for me, I prayed about our future. Jay and I have been talking a lot about moving up north and although we hope to do that someday, we have no idea how it's going to happen. We don't have the money to move first and then find work but it's really hard to look for work in one state when you live in another. I've been overwhelmed by it all...knowing what we want but having no idea how to attain it. We've made a tentative plan as to when we'd like to move and where we want to be but it all feels empty and uncertain without knowing what God's going to do in the meantime...or where He'll have us end up.
Then I opened James. I figured it was a good place to start reading since Pastor Brian spoke from it yesterday. In the bible I was using, there was a headline over James 4:13-15 that said, "Our Will or God's Will."
Woah.
It said, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
This is what I like to call a scriptural punch in the face. It taught me that it's ok to plan but plan knowing that God may (and more than likely will) shake things up...that He will make things happen that we never dreamed possible, in His time. That He will ground us when we need grounding and reign us in when we need reigning in. That He will make a way where there seems to be no way or He will slam a door that by all rights should be open.
Who am I to say what I was created to be and where I was created to live? Only the Creator knows what the creation was intended for and although it's still unnerving to be in the dark, it's comforting to know that He's got it. It's inspiring to hear other people's testimonies of miraculous faithfulness...how God swooped in, just in time, and blew their minds with problem solving skills they weren't capable of possessing.
I believe the stirring inside of me is in anticipation of great things to come...it's unsettling yet exciting...nerve racking but exhilarating. I am excited about the future even though I have no, sweet clue how it's going to work and I am basking in the freedom of not knowing.
We've made many moves in our lives...some I recall as being perfect, wonderful stepping stones. The move to camp where I met Jay. The move to marry him. The move back to Tallahassee in 2006. Others were blatant and obvious mistakes...our trip to the Mitsubishi dealership and our house hunt in Crawfordville come to mind...I would love to grab past Jason and Kathy by the shoulder and shake them violently...
Still, in the midst of mistakes and errors I've grown and learned a lot. It's weird that maturity and growth rise from the ashes of our most tragic mistakes and our darkest moments...if we allow ourselves to mature and grow, that is.
Lately, Jay and I have felt ourselves on the verge of 'something'. Sorry for the vagueness, but that's about as clear as it is to even us at this point. We feel a stirring of change, a healthy dissatisfaction with the way things are, a freeing realization that we are not stuck but a terrifying inability to see how it's all going to work out.
It's hard to know whether your desires are of God or not. Whether what you sense is something you should surrender and dismiss or embrace as God's moving. I don't know that I'll ever figure it out...
This morning, I had some quiet time while Jay took Caden to the gym. I sat in the quiet, unplugged the lap top, put the phone on silent and prayed for an extended period of time. I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've had a moment like that. I've been praying but not uninterrupted and not in depth. More popcorn-esque. I prayed about everything and everyone that popped into my head. I prayed for my children, that they would love God. I honestly care very little about what they chose as a career, whether they are strikingly handsome or talented...I just want them to love God. In praying this way, I began to think about how many children God has that don't love Him. I began to picture Him as a broken hearted Father, watching His children hoard their wealth, hate their neighbour, chose other god's because He is, for some reason, not enough for them. I pictured how many of his children he has witnessed be murdered, raped and abused...how many of them suffer and die due to hunger, inaccessible health care and preventable disease, while His other children sit back and watch it happen. I kept apologizing to Him and I think for a brief moment, He allowed me to feel a small percentage of the pain He feels as Father God...and how in spite of it all, loving us and creating us and dying for us is still worth all of it. Amazing.
With a renewed sense of God's love for me, I prayed about our future. Jay and I have been talking a lot about moving up north and although we hope to do that someday, we have no idea how it's going to happen. We don't have the money to move first and then find work but it's really hard to look for work in one state when you live in another. I've been overwhelmed by it all...knowing what we want but having no idea how to attain it. We've made a tentative plan as to when we'd like to move and where we want to be but it all feels empty and uncertain without knowing what God's going to do in the meantime...or where He'll have us end up.
Then I opened James. I figured it was a good place to start reading since Pastor Brian spoke from it yesterday. In the bible I was using, there was a headline over James 4:13-15 that said, "Our Will or God's Will."
Woah.
It said, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
This is what I like to call a scriptural punch in the face. It taught me that it's ok to plan but plan knowing that God may (and more than likely will) shake things up...that He will make things happen that we never dreamed possible, in His time. That He will ground us when we need grounding and reign us in when we need reigning in. That He will make a way where there seems to be no way or He will slam a door that by all rights should be open.
Who am I to say what I was created to be and where I was created to live? Only the Creator knows what the creation was intended for and although it's still unnerving to be in the dark, it's comforting to know that He's got it. It's inspiring to hear other people's testimonies of miraculous faithfulness...how God swooped in, just in time, and blew their minds with problem solving skills they weren't capable of possessing.
I believe the stirring inside of me is in anticipation of great things to come...it's unsettling yet exciting...nerve racking but exhilarating. I am excited about the future even though I have no, sweet clue how it's going to work and I am basking in the freedom of not knowing.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Water Is Important
I have learned this the hard way at many points in my life because I hate water. I think it tastes like metal and I don't find it refreshing. It turns my stomach. Since becoming pregnant, I have given up the one drink I like. Diet Pepsi. I want to eliminate this beverage, less due to the caffeine and more due to the artificial sweeteners...not good for baby...but finding something that I actually like to drink (that doesn't have 80 pounds of sugar in it) has been very difficult. I think that due to the lack of yummy, liquid choices, I significantly but unintentionally lowered my liquid intake.
For the last week, I have felt weak, faint, winded and overall horrible. Once I realized it was probably a dehydration thing, I was passed the point of no return. No amount of water/Gatorade drinking was making it better.
I went to the ER yesterday, after almost passing out while making a sandwich, and received some IV fluids. Now, I FEEL AMAZING! It's like I had my batteries changed! Yesterday, I had to try three times to get out of bed. This morning, I popped up, made the bed and started folding laundry. I feel energized and healthy...better than I have in a long time.
Long story short, water is important. Lesson learned.
For the last week, I have felt weak, faint, winded and overall horrible. Once I realized it was probably a dehydration thing, I was passed the point of no return. No amount of water/Gatorade drinking was making it better.
I went to the ER yesterday, after almost passing out while making a sandwich, and received some IV fluids. Now, I FEEL AMAZING! It's like I had my batteries changed! Yesterday, I had to try three times to get out of bed. This morning, I popped up, made the bed and started folding laundry. I feel energized and healthy...better than I have in a long time.
Long story short, water is important. Lesson learned.
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